I Want to Break NC

[coastalfog1]

I'm angry and I'm not sure why. I want to break nc. I want to hear her voice. Her final words to me "breaking up with me is the biggest mistake of my life" are playing in my head like a loop tonight and I can't them stop. I've gone for a walk,taken the dog for a swim, done some packing so I 'm going to break nc here. To my ex: the biggest mistake of my life was never leaving, it was meeting you. I was a real person with hopes and dreams I busted my ass to attain.My past may be gone but YOU can't affect my future. That's mine and mine alone to determine. You lost a great person, worthwhile in ever way. I hope you find the one thing you advertised for, your emotional equal. I'd love nothing more than sitting back and watching you self-destruct.

Cheers- Coastal

[buddy1226]

I'm soo glad you broke NC her coastal. I broke NC for the past two weeks and it has been hell. It reawakens the beast and I've set myself back. They know how to hurt us and if we've been NC for sometime the things they say hurts like hell. Mine was casually talking about dating. It ate me up.

I felt just like you. I needed to vent and I did. It felt good in the moment but afterwards I realized that she won again. The best way to win with these evil witches is stay NC. Mine even broke NC to come give me another dose. I would love to have a do over and hang up the phone as soon as I heard her voice.

Nine work here coastal. Way to use the board. You'll be glad you did.

She knows everything you said and it hurts more coming to that realization herself. I blasted mine to hell and back in several emails because throughout I took her crap and it just gave her validation that I'm the crazy one... and I am for going on a second dated. I saw all I needed on the first.

[myself]

You want to hear her voice and you want her to hear yours.

You don't believe what she said. Would she believe you?

Being left with doubt is a two way street. It's a difficult road to travel.

How much do we carry with us, and how much do we leave behind?

It's still NC to post here. You'll feel better having done so.

Those last words can be make or break. Here's one: Detach.

[LettingGo14]

Coastal,

Thanks for posting here.  I heard almost the exact same words, almost verbatim on Valentine's Day.   I am ashamed to admit that in a 4-year relationship with my xBPDgf I had probably 500 nights when I was ruminating and exorcised by the memory of her.

I found this board 3 days ago.  I have 3 days of sanity after 4 years.  I hear her say, "i'll probably regret losing you forever" followed by the snap of "don't contact me again" in less than 24 hours.   

Keep posting here, and detach.  That's my strategy.  3 days of sanity after 4 years of destruction.

JT

[coastalfog1]

You want to hear her voice and you want her to hear yours.

You don't believe what she said. Would she believe you?

Being left with doubt is a two way street. It's a difficult road to travel.

How much do we carry with us, and how much do we leave behind?

It's still NC to post here. You'll feel better having done so.

Those last words can be make or break. Here's one: Detach.

Your right I want to be heard. My heart is screaming to be heard. No, she wouldn't believe me let alone care. But I do. I'm struggling to let go. In the end I just want to find me again. Thanks for the feedback!

[Tausk]

You want to hear her voice and you want her to hear yours.

You don't believe what she said. Would she believe you?

Being left with doubt is a two way street. It's a difficult road to travel.

How much do we carry with us, and how much do we leave behind?

It's still NC to post here. You'll feel better having done so.

Those last words can be make or break. Here's one: Detach.

Your right I want to be heard. My heart is screaming to be heard. No, she wouldn't believe me let alone care. But I do. I'm struggling to let go. In the end I just want to find me again. Thanks for the feedback!

Keep breaking NC here.  Keep venting here.  We understand.  

I agree with everything you said, except you are much kinder than I could be to my ex.  It's clear you are a good man.  I see that even in your anger, you are concerned for her welfare, because you know that you would have treated her well if she could accept being treated well.

Sadly, the Disorder does not strive for happiness.  

I still struggle, but at times am able to surrender to the honest fact that it's a DISORDER, and there's nothing I do can about it.   And the Disorder doesn't care about my feelings.  The Disorder won't respond to anything I say or do in any other manner other than to have the Disorder survive.  The Disorder needs participants.  The Disorder always wins.  The only way to not lose to the Disorder (and win at life) is not to participate through interaction.

But it doesn't make it hurt any less at the moment.  It just eases the suffering in the long run.  But the pain in the moment can be so intense.  The anger indescribable.  The emptiness and loneliness of a glimpse of a future without my ex wBPD can be pure icy terror.

And it doesn't help that I'm OCD, ADHD, codependent, have abandonment and grief issues (add your own neurosis here)  

But what does help, is that I have a self and inner child that I can look to find strength and to grow and learn.  My ex doesn't have those at all, so there's no hope for her.  And there's nothing I can do for her but let go.

Congrats on posting here.  Keep on doing that.  Remember, you can always send it later.  So just keep NC for today.

Thanks for sharing.

[winston72]

Want to feel validated, want to be heard, want to have the pain and the suffering acknowledged, want to feel like it all mattered, want to feel like I mattered, want to feel like I am connected to that energetic desire and love and not face the emptiness ahead of me... .

All these posts are so helpful and insightful.  Thank you.  It stirs up all of these feelings in me.

I had a reasonable email exchange with my ex on these topics during January.  Many of these points were discussed and she offered a lot of the acknowledgements and perspectives I hoped for, with some disagreement.  And you know what?  It was a bad idea.  It hurt. It was not a disaster or a chaotic episode, but it aggravated the wounds and added to my count of nights of ruminating (nice image with the count, LettingGo14!  And welcome to the board, by the way.  Nice to have you, with all consideration for the grief that brings you here.).

Fundamentally I want to bring order to her disorder.  I want to bring calmness and balance to our relationship, or even its memory.  I want to feel at ease with her even as we are broken up.  Ha!  If those things could happen, we would be together! 

Whatever it was that drew me to her, still draws me to find resolution, even if via a "final" statement or conversation or email.  I want to resolve it with her, not on my own.  I want to have some shared experience even in the end.  It is an expression of my difficulty in seeing things the way they really are. 

I am learning, ever so slowly, that the things I expressed at the beginning of this post, the desire for validation, for acknowledgment of the pain, for meaning need to be realized within me, by me.  It is happening!

[cm2012]

After a year of separation I still find myself wanting to break NC. After I go through all the fantasies of imagining an interaction that vindicates me, miraculously heals him, and undoes all the wounds of our 15 year relationship I still come to the same sad and gut-wrenching place: there is no good that will come from breaking NC.

[janey62]

Absolutely cm2012, no good will come of it, though knowing it still hurts.

I am not exactly NC, just 2 weeks into separation, I left him, and some days he doesn't contact me.  On the days when he does, and pleads with me not to give up on him, I get a sore throat and the glands in my neck come up.  I usually just stop responding and he goes away.   :'(

I've taken to leaving my mobile off in the evenings; I don't have it at work because I'm not allowed, and it's nice and quiet.  He won't call me on my land line because that would involve actual talking instead of cryptic texting.  Peace!

A year is a short time after a 15 year relationship cm2012, I expect to still miss him after a year and we were only together for 18 months.  I do the same, keep imagining him whole and well, and though I know it's not gonna happen I still can't quite banish the thoughts.

And Coastal, it's hard but you just have to let go now.      She was awful to you (and your dog) and my heart hurts for you, but you're not her victim any more.  You are getting yourself together and it's hard work, don't put that at risk by even thinking about contacting her.  It can only be a mistake... .

Be strong.

Janey xx

[Clearmind]

Nothing wrong with breaking NC. NC does not help you detach.

Start to focus on why you stayed in a toxic relationship - this is where the healing begins and only then will the rumination stop.

[janey62]

I see where you're coming from Clearmind, but surely if you're having trouble detaching and contact would likely mean that you'd let that person back into your life with all that entails then it's a good idea to have NC for a while, at least until you're stronger?

I think it's possible to detach either with or without NC, it just depends on individual situations.  If you're not ready to end the relationship or have it ended then NC is fairly pointless, and at best it will be temporary, but for some NC may just give you the time and space you need to decide what to do. 

Each situation is different and I don't think you can generalise, though I agree NC on its own without detaching is going to end in tears... .

Maybe you could explain what you're thinking is around this?  I'd certainly be interested to hear your thoughts about why NC doesn't work.

Janey

[Perfidy]

Clearmind, I can affirm what you said about no contact not being the same as detaching. I've been no contact for months and remain attached. It would also seem that she is in the same boat. What a shame. Trying to detach while in another relationship must be pure hell.