Struggling

[Depression = 72% of members]

My girls are on school vacation this week.  I took today off to spend the day with them.  We had a great day and I took them to open ice skating so they could try it for the first time.  They were both excited.  I am still beaming from watching them do this for the very first time!  Such a proud and happy parent moment.  Pictures were taken, videos were made, I smiled like a fool for the entire hour we were there.  Lots of "I am soo proud of you"s and "wow, you are doing so great"s... . These moments just kill me and in them I know these girls are my heart. 

Now I am home, the pics have been uploaded to FB and even the videos.  Friends have made comments and we have laughed again watching the videos.  Now I am crying.  Struggling so hard not to text him ( the exBPD/NPD husband) the videos and share with him how both girls went for it, but, the youngest went with no fear.  Struggling not to share the story of how the youngest went right over the and got some nice ice burn on her cheek, cried, and was then off again.  I am so MAD I do can't share this with their father, my husband, because if I do... . it will start the cycle again.  So MAD and sad!

:'(

[NyGirl8]

My girls are on school vacation this week.  I took today off to spend the day with them.  We had a great day and I took them to open ice skating so they could try it for the first time.  They were both excited.  I am still beaming from watching them do this for the very first time!  Such a proud and happy parent moment.  Pictures were taken, videos were made, I smiled like a fool for the entire hour we were there.  Lots of "I am soo proud of you"s and "wow, you are doing so great"s... . These moments just kill me and in them I know these girls are my heart. 

Now I am home, the pics have been uploaded to FB and even the videos.  Friends have made comments and we have laughed again watching the videos.  Now I am crying.  Struggling so hard not to text him ( the exBPD/NPD husband) the videos and share with him how both girls went for it, but, the youngest went with no fear.  Struggling not to share the story of how the youngest went right over the and got some nice ice burn on her cheek, cried, and was then off again.  I am so MAD I do can't share this with their father, my husband, because if I do... . it will start the cycle again.  So MAD and sad!

:'(

[heartandwhole]

NYGirl8,

Oh wow, I can really understand your madness and sadness.  I'm sorry, I know it hurts, and it's so unfair.   

I'm so glad that you had that time with your girls, that is so important for them, they will remember that all their lives.  They have a strong mama, who is working hard to give them a safe and healthy environment.  Let yourself feel the anger and sadness, it's good to let it out.

Be gentle with yourself about wanting to reach out to your husband – that is so normal, we've all been there.  You know in your heart what is right for you and your daughters.

You can do this, NYGirl8.  We're here for you.  Keep posting. 

[NyGirl8]

Thank you heartandwhole.  The support and the information here is keeping me going.  Times like this are so very difficult.  But, thank you so much for the kind words, support, and the reminder of why all this struggle and personal pain is so important.  They deserve a "safe and healthy environment", oh yes they do.  I would move mountains for them, I am strong... . thanks again for the reminder.

Deep breath, a good cry (tonight when they are at their fathers), and on to tomorrow

[clairedair]

Hi nygirl,

I find this the most difficult aspect if our separate lives now.  I am mostly NC with my childrens' father (they are older, have their own phones and we don't need frequent contact), however, we've had to have some contact this week about two of the kids and I have been very sad since - like you, I want to share more with him but it's too emotionally dangerous.

Last time we talked about them, we starting laughing and remembering things they did when they were wee - times when we were a family.  I don't want to live with him any more - it's better for us all (plus he quickly remarried so not really an option!) but sometimes I just hate the 'broken' feeling.  I hate that my amazing kids who did nothing to deserve this have two parents who have such little contact. 

Your children do deserve a 'safe and healthy environment' and it sounds as if you are doing everything in your power to provide that.

Hope the ice burn has healed and we'll see them in the next Winter Olympics!

take care,

Claire

[NyGirl8]

Thanks so much Claire.  I would agree, as time goes on... . THIS is what gets me.  I can't be more than low contact with my ex.  It is much too dangerous.  I can't even picture a time when it would not be dangerous.  I hate that my memory just disappears and I forget how terrible it all turns when he splits and I go from being respected. valued, and loved to something lower than the dirt under his boots.  I somehow need to keep those memories in my mind and remember how damaging that is for my girls to see.  How unsafe, how scary that must be for them... . I truly think the little time he has them, he is able to be a good father.  He tends to fail at the 24/7 pretty quickly.  He also has a replacement that helps him with his amazing insecurity in being a parent... . so, I do think the little time spent with him is safe.  I do have a court order that also states he is not to drink when they are with them.  I have done all I can to keep them safe.  I just need to somehow grieve this marriage and the fact that my vision of a family is gone forever.  I am truly a single parent and these amazing parent moments are mine and mine alone now.  If I am being truly honest, these moments didn't mean anything to him either... . he just has done an excellent job of mirroring me... . which he only started doing when we split.  He NEVER took the time to even bond with these amazing kids when he was here... . it all began when I made him move out... .

So, I suppose I am grieving also the vision of family that I never actually had... . only one that he promised me, but, couldn't quite deliver... .

Just so sad... .

Thank you Claire, good luck with the NC.  I am glad you are away from the demeaning... . you clearly are not any of those things he says... . and a strong woman as well!

[Turkish]

My girls are on school vacation this week.  I took today off to spend the day with them.  We had a great day and I took them to open ice skating so they could try it for the first time.  They were both excited.  I am still beaming from watching them do this for the very first time!  Such a proud and happy parent moment.  Pictures were taken, videos were made, I smiled like a fool for the entire hour we were there.  Lots of "I am soo proud of you"s and "wow, you are doing so great"s... . These moments just kill me and in them I know these girls are my heart.  

Now I am home, the pics have been uploaded to FB and even the videos.  Friends have made comments and we have laughed again watching the videos.  Now I am crying.  Struggling so hard not to text him ( the exBPD/NPD husband) the videos and share with him how both girls went for it, but, the youngest went with no fear.  Struggling not to share the story of how the youngest went right over the and got some nice ice burn on her cheek, cried, and was then off again.  I am so MAD I do can't share this with their father, my husband, because if I do... . it will start the cycle again.  So MAD and sad!

:'(

I understand this, NyGirl8, it is sad, and I get mad. I even had the urge to send her some pics of my time with them (Tuesday night through this morning) since I block her on FB. But then I thought, "my time with them is MY time! It's the three of us, our little wolf pack" (hence my avatar). She stopped sending me pics of them with her as well, though she was for a while. I'm leading by example. NC unless necessary. I still find the whole thing so unnecessary, sad and pathetic. Tragic for sure. But you know what? Our Exes are free agents who made their unwise choices. They need to live with them. To lie in the messes of their own making. We need to live with us!

[NyGirl8]

I hear you Turkish, but, the funny thing is... . I doubt our exes will ever really see the mess they made.  Part of the disorder... . it shields them from actually seeing it all and letting the pain of regret in. 

Big sigh... .

I like your avatar and the reason for it... . You are a strong parent for your pack   I am glad you had a good time with them!

[Turkish]

I hear you Turkish, but, the funny thing is... . I doubt our exes will ever really see the mess they made.  Part of the disorder... . it shields them from actually seeing it all and letting the pain of regret in.  

Big sigh... .

I like your avatar and the reason for it... . You are a strong parent for your pack  I am glad you had a good time with them!

Yes, you are probably right... . *sigh*.

Thanks. I put it as my FB avatar the day after she moved out. No comment was necessary (I'm still connected with all of her family and a few of her friends). Who knows what lovey-dovey stuff she posts in between posting pics of her and the kids. The truth speaks for itself. And she's always posting pics of her with the kids. Hardly any pictures without her in them. I hardly ever do "Selfies" with mine. I didn't see anything wrong with it until a friend (who long ago unfriended her) pointed out that almost every single pic was with her and her kids. The attachment thing, I guess. Making it about her. I'm not quite so judgmental, though I see what my friend was saying. If the kids see her as being an involved mom, then that's good for them. I'll worry about how her behaviors affect them later when those times come. With the new schedule, I won't have to see her for quite some time! She's probably thinking the same thing :^)

[NyGirl8]

I have blocked my ex, most of his friends, and my replacement on FB.  The ease to search these profiles out got to me.  I am proud and I have had him blocked since the day he left... . I lose track... . maybe three weeks.  I am truly attempting this time to not spend time stuck in rumination(sp?).  It nearly did me in last time.  I do it, but, try very hard to catch myself.  Thought blocking techniques are on my list to ask my T about.

Not sure what your ex is thinking... . but if she is BPD it certainly isn't anything based in reality and really is never about you... . even if she says it is... .

I am slowly coming to this in my own thinking about my ex.  I had an interesting conversation with my T last time.  I wan tot continue it.  It was the question and the belief as to whether Evil existed.  I have to get the title of book he was reading.  But it was about the Evil one and it's prey.  You and I are prey, our exes are the Evil.  I look at my ex and do not see Evil, but, I think I actually need to get there.  I think I need to allow myself to actually see the evil in him, so that my detachment can continue... .

[Turkish]

I have blocked my ex, most of his friends, and my replacement on FB.  The ease to search these profiles out got to me.  I am proud and I have had him blocked since the day he left... . I lose track... . maybe three weeks.  I am truly attempting this time to not spend time stuck in rumination(sp?).  It nearly did me in last time.  I do it, but, try very hard to catch myself.  Thought blocking techniques are on my list to ask my T about.

Not sure what your ex is thinking... . but if she is BPD it certainly isn't anything based in reality and really is never about you... . even if she says it is... .

I am slowly coming to this in my own thinking about my ex.  I had an interesting conversation with my T last time.  I wan tot continue it.  It was the question and the belief as to whether Evil existed.  I have to get the title of book he was reading.  But it was about the Evil one and it's prey.

Interesting... . I didn't think a T was supposed to be so judgmental.

You and I are prey, our exes are the Evil.  I look at my ex and do not see Evil, but, I think I actually need to get there.  I think I need to allow myself to actually see the evil in him, so that my detachment can continue... .

Do you?

I think the kids are the real innocents in this whole sick disorder game. For that, I think I despise her more than for her cheating. They deserved none of this. Her continued cheating living in my house pretty much expense free for 5 months (how did I last?) I found disgusting, and helped me detach in a weird way. Yet her periodic abandonment and neglect of the kids for 4/5 of those months I find despicable. The kids deserve to not have their grandparents' dysfunctional marriage mirrored out in front of them, which is why I ended our r/s ultimately (though it was of course done already) with a short phrase, "Then it's done!" That was the second week in October. She'd probably stay here for as long as I could stand it if I hadn't forced the issue.

Only two weeks before she left, S4 said, as they headed out the door to go to the store, "You forgot to kiss mommy goodbye!" I gave her a long look and said, "No, that's long over son." And then they left.

No, I don't see her as evil (though I think an evil attached itself to her and she brought it back for a time... . two burglaries, all of this stuff breaking down around the house, it was weird), I just see her as disgusting, despite her waifishly pretty good looks. That is enough for me. I never, ever want her to even touch me in any way again. Even when we accidentally brushed fingers, or passed in the hallway made me recoil. But that's enough for me.

What is enough for you?

[NyGirl8]

It was actually just a conversation we were having (my T and I).  I think the opposite actually.  I think a T needs to judge.  I think it is their job.  BUT, they then need to follow the clients lead... . it is their job to work with us where we are and possibly challenge us to go the next step.

I also very much like the fact that my T is rather nonconventional.  He has amazing amounts of knowledge and researches constantly... . he mixes this with common sense and personal experience.  But, he actually wasn't judging, he was reading a passage from a book he was reading... . the book's author clearly placed PD in the category of evil... .

Anyway... . enough for me... . when he came back to me, Tue girls saw he was back... . as in he was spending the night in my bed... . then when the intimacy became too much, he had to blow it all up and left.  But, it was the immediate reconnection with my replacement and my girls seeing that.  Teaching them that is how women are treated... . that was my enough... .

[Turkish]

It was actually just a conversation we were having (my T and I).  I think the opposite actually.  I think a T needs to judge.  I think it is their job.  BUT, they then need to follow the clients lead... . it is their job to work with us where we are and possibly challenge us to go the next step.

I also very much like the fact that my T is rather nonconventional.  He has amazing amounts of knowledge and researches constantly... . he mixes this with common sense and personal experience.  But, he actually wasn't judging, he was reading a passage from a book he was reading... . the book's author clearly placed PD in the category of evil... .

That makes sense then. Could you share the title when you find out?

Anyway... . enough for me... . when he came back to me, Tue girls saw he was back... . as in he was spending the night in my bed... . then when the intimacy became too much, he had to blow it all up and left.  But, it was the immediate reconnection with my replacement and my girls seeing that.  Teaching them that is how women are treated... . that was my enough... .

I hear you, and you did the right thing. I fear for both my kids in different ways, though for S4 more (afraid he'll grow up like me, a Rescuer, I think he's past the critical PD forming attachment stage). We can only do the best we can to raise our children with health senses of who they are (not in a narc way), to feel comfortable with themselves instead of defining themselves by their attachments.

[BorisAcusio]

I have to get the title of book he was reading.  But it was about the Evil one and it's prey.  You and I

Please let us know if you found out the book's title.

[NyGirl8]

I will try to remember to ask for the title this week!

And Turkish:  I do agree that the children are the truly innocent ones in this mess of a so-called relationship.  As we, as children, were once innocents once also.  We deserve so much better, and I am coming to terms with the reality of this.  If I want better and deserve better, I need to process what happened and my part in it.  I truly think, had I married a healthy individual... . the marriage very possibly wouldn't have survived anyway.  My codependency and my abandonment issues would have teamed up to sabotage it.

I know I stayed so long because it was "comfortable".  Due to my parent's relationship and the environment I was raised in... . this marriage was familiar and comfortable.  I now need to work like hell to step away from comfortable and into strange and somewhat anxiety provoking... . funny how "healthy" is soo uncomfortable!

Ah well... .