Trust

[icecream]

Today i read somewhere on this board something what kept me thinking about "trust" all day.

And it got me... .

Its true its so true.

My pwBPDex always claims i'm her safe harbor, her calming sea... things like that what somehow kept me within reach as being a caretaker of her chaos. So that created the feeling of her trusting me, like i'm the only one who understands her and her biggest support. While i took- god knows how many- lies which she never admitted or cleared out. Thats breaking trust, which was like imagined trust in the first place...

Anyway, someone mentioned here the fact "can you as a partner, friend, ex,... . honestly say YOU trust them", and then it got me... NO i cant, i really cant, infact i only could during our early stages when things were mindblowing. But when the reality showed up and all what happend eversince: I cant trust her anymore.

So i asked myself these questions today:

-do I want to spend more time with someone who I cant trust?

-do i want to put energy as a listener in someone who doesnt listen to me?

The answer is clearly: NO, i dont want that anymore!

She isnt and will never be my safe harbor because i simply cant trust her and that was another big eyeopener today. Just wanted to share this as it got me and it made me smile  I'm on a good healing road, at a slow speed but getting there. I hope people who struggle and keep thinking how to make things better for them, remind yourself we deserve someone to trust too, and most likely not going to find that in a pwBPD.

Take good care of yourself

[crazied_on]

Perfectly said! 

[Tausk]

It's one of the difficult facts.  I had to radically accept that she suffered from a Disorder.  And the Disorder meant that I had to accept her for who she was which included:  gaslighting, anger, abuse, lying, silent treatments, the ability to leave me on a whim, and CHEATING.

I had to radically accept that I would never be able to trust that she would respect my boundaries in any of the above areas.  And finally, I had to either accept that lack of trust was always going to be part of the relationship... . or I had to leave. 

The only thing to trust was that I would never be able to trust her to ever be responsible for her behavior.

Freeing for me, Sadness for my ex.

[bpdspell]

Trust is the number one reason why I couldn't go back to my ex even when I wanted to. No trust, no relationship cause your insecurities will be triggered constantly and you won't be able to build with them in a healthy way.

In my case I found a woman in my BPD ex's bed. That's when all the trust was destroyed.

Spell

[Madison66]

Yeah, my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years used to tell me that she only wanted to share all her struggles and chaos with me. At the same time, deep down I could see that she didn't trust me or herself based on the fear of abandonment she had inside of her. I gave her no reasons not to trust me, but I triggered that feeling in her. At the same time, I stopped trusting her due to the continual emotional abuse. It was a horrible dynamic and I see now there was absolutely nothing I could to help things except to eventually leave. There could never be a real r/s without trust and with all the abuse. Sad but true... .

[GreenMango]

Great questions!

[Popcorn71]

Trust is the number one reason why I couldn't go back to my ex even when I wanted to. No trust, no relationship cause your insecurities will be triggered constantly and you won't be able to build with them in a healthy way.

Same here. I trusted my ex more than anyone in my life, even my family. He totally betrayed that. He got angry when I told him I could not trust him or believe him now. This may have been because he was trying to hide the replacement but I called him out on his lies.

[whatathing]

So i asked myself these questions today:

-do I want to spend more time with someone who I cant trust?

-do i want to put energy as a listener in someone who doesnt listen to me?

The answer is clearly: NO, i dont want that anymore!

She isnt and will never be my safe harbor because i simply cant trust her and that was another big eyeopener today.

That´s about it, icecream. You said it all here. We shouldn´t go ruminating beyond that simple and true fact. Thanks

[icecream]

Thank you all for your replies,

Indeed, a simple and true fact is WE cannot trust them eventhou we might be a trust-object for them. Where do we have to go to with our needs, insecurities, doubts, wonders,... . ? We'll cope right, i did that for a long time but eventually its a basic value/rule for any relationship who we invest in and to build on. I had enough of the fact my needs dont and never did matter and again, trully ask yourself if you are comfortable enough around her to put YOUR deepest sides on the table and put your trust in her... . No, i dont and infact i'm glad i realized that.

People its time to enjoy life. Let your flower bloom, seek the sun, smile to a stranger, listen to the birds, put comfort and trust in your own heart...

[ShadowDancer]

WOW Icecream! Nice posting in every single way. That really gave me sense of standing upon terra firma. Simple basic truths. That one thought will stop the rumination rhino dead in it's tracks. I'm smiling. Thanks!

[icecream]

Thanks ShadowDancer!

Its a great feeling to make someone smile, i'm happy you feel it too... . it can be so simple 

Keep up your smile! 

[Allmessedup]

I asked myself similar questions the other day.  The realization that my answers were indeed no lead to some huge change in grief on my part... . hopefully toward acceptance. 

Both yesterday and today I have felt lighter somehow by remembering my answer.  It took it off her and put it on to me. 

Yes she did horrible things.  Yes she hurt me.  But it helped me hugely in knowing that I had the power not to subject myself to that hurt anymore!

Way to go!

[icecream]

Hey Allmessedup, i just read on your posts... i found out it was by your post yesterday which kept me thinking about this 'trust'. Indeed you asked yourself these questions and thats what hit me. I want to thank you for sharing them because they made me realize the dysfunction me and my pwBPDex were actually in especially when it comes to give/take and trust.

No one knows what a different mindset will do in time and surely its a bumpy ride but at least we can try to see it differently, thats our freedom... one day its easier to be strong and possitive then another day but its worth trying to change the pattern of thinking. What options are there right... .

Thanks again for writing here, its a winwin for all of us! 

[Allmessedup]

Glad to be able to help!

I have found by reading and posting here I have gained so much insight and understanding not only of the disorder but of myself as well.  Right now that's a hugely valuable thing for me.

I had a horrible night on Wednesday.  But the last two days have been really good so that keeps giving me hope.

I am hoping that as time passes and I keep working on me I will find my bad days appear less and less often.  We will get there eventually if we keep focused on what we can change rather than what we can't.

[icecream]

Glad to be able to help!

I have found by reading and posting here I have gained so much insight and understanding not only of the disorder but of myself as well.  Right now that's a hugely valuable thing for me.

I had a horrible night on Wednesday.  But the last two days have been really good so that keeps giving me hope.

I am hoping that as time passes and I keep working on me I will find my bad days appear less and less often.  We will get there eventually if we keep focused on what we can change rather than what we can't.

Thats so true Allmessedup! Allow yourself sadness and keep having hope. Focus is yourself