12 Steps

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I admit it.  I have an addiction to my ex.  A trauma bond that is so strong I can't do it on my own.  My therapist is telling me to go to CoDa.  A friend of mine has suggested maybe a Sex and Love Addicts group.  Okay I do know I have codependent traits big time, but with my ex-BPD-bf, I believe that it's a powerful addiction more than a codependency issue.  Has anyone else felt this?

Part of the difficulty in breaking away is that I work with him.  I am absolutely positive that I'd never have stayed involved with this ex for so long if we didn't see each other every day.  But the constantly seeing him and constant contact has just allowed it to go on and on as the trauma bond or addiction or whatever has continued to get stronger.  To the point that I feel like I have simply lost control.

I am reading two books simultaneously which are helping me tremendously - one is Betrayal Bonds and the other is a book about abuse - called Why Does He Do That - which focuses on abuses men.  Both are tremendously helpful for me to realize what has been going on with me and to me for so long.  But I need to face my part in all of it - and stop the madness.  I need it to stop.  So I need to make it stop. 

My ex has moved on.  So fast that I think that my replacement has already told him that she wants to marry him.  Two months after meeting him...   Oy... . she has no idea what she's in for.  So, yes, the ex has moved on and yet continues to tell me that he loves me and wants to be me with.

So what I want to ask is what steps of experiences that others have had with different 12 step programs and how well have they worked?  I am struggling to push myself forward to heal.  I need to heal.  I hope this is the right spot to be asking this type of question.  Thanks.

[Take2]

I admit it.  I have an addiction to my ex.  A trauma bond that is so strong I can't do it on my own.  My therapist is telling me to go to CoDa.  A friend of mine has suggested maybe a Sex and Love Addicts group.  Okay I do know I have codependent traits big time, but with my ex-BPD-bf, I believe that it's a powerful addiction more than a codependency issue.  Has anyone else felt this?

Part of the difficulty in breaking away is that I work with him.  I am absolutely positive that I'd never have stayed involved with this ex for so long if we didn't see each other every day.  But the constantly seeing him and constant contact has just allowed it to go on and on as the trauma bond or addiction or whatever has continued to get stronger.  To the point that I feel like I have simply lost control.

I am reading two books simultaneously which are helping me tremendously - one is Betrayal Bonds and the other is a book about abuse - called Why Does He Do That - which focuses on abuses men.  Both are tremendously helpful for me to realize what has been going on with me and to me for so long.  But I need to face my part in all of it - and stop the madness.  I need it to stop.  So I need to make it stop. 

My ex has moved on.  So fast that I think that my replacement has already told him that she wants to marry him.  Two months after meeting him...   Oy... . she has no idea what she's in for.  So, yes, the ex has moved on and yet continues to tell me that he loves me and wants to be me with.

So what I want to ask is what steps of experiences that others have had with different 12 step programs and how well have they worked?  I am struggling to push myself forward to heal.  I need to heal.  I hope this is the right spot to be asking this type of question.  Thanks.

[seeking balance]

My therapist is telling me to go to CoDa.

Has your T told you the skills you may learn from this experience?

So what I want to ask is what steps of experiences that others have had with different 12 step programs and how well have they worked?  I am struggling to push myself forward to heal.  I need to heal.  I hope this is the right spot to be asking this type of question.  Thanks.

I have gone to CODA before and I think the message of all 12 step meetings is fantastic.  It also gives you a place to be accountable to your actions when they are codependent in nature.

That said, like all healing - change takes time to work and several things need to change which includes the willingness to change.

What do you mean by "struggling to push yourself forward to heal"?

[Take2]

I mean that I'm not NC with my ex.  I work with him and see him almost every day.  Even though we are broken up, even though he has a new GF, he still rages at me, I find myself falling back into the same patterns with him.  He continues to have a need to control and I fall back into playing my role of trying to appease him. 

I will give Coda a try I guess.  I thought maybe there'd be others with experiences to share but apparently not.

Honestly, I get the feeling every therapist thinks everyone in therapy is codependent.  I am not saying I'm not, I am.  But right now, I feel like the PTSD of this r/s and the ongoing addiction I have is different than codependency.  I could be wrong - I guess I really don't know.  I know they go hand and hand.  But I'm not dependent on this guy, I'm addicted to him.    Actually, is it the same thing?

I'm tired as I write this... .    

[seeking balance]

I mean that I'm not NC with my ex.  I work with him and see him almost every day.  Even though we are broken up, even though he has a new GF, he still rages at me, I find myself falling back into the same patterns with him.  He continues to have a need to control and I fall back into playing my role of trying to appease him. 

To be direct - it sounds like you have major boundary issues then?  Would you agree?

Honestly, I get the feeling every therapist thinks everyone in therapy is codependent.  I am not saying I'm not, I am.  But right now, I feel like the PTSD of this r/s and the ongoing addiction I have is different than codependency.  I could be wrong - I guess I really don't know.  I know they go hand and hand.  But I'm not dependent on this guy, I'm addicted to him.    Actually, is it the same thing?

I'm tired as I write this... .    

You likely have a bunch of things going on - ptsd, depression, codependency - take your pick right now.

Does it matter what label you put on it, honestly?

You need some tools to learn how to have boundaries - one way codependency shows itself in lack of boundaries.  If a 12 step program gives you some tools in your toolbelt to help, that is a good thing, right?

I think 12 step tools are great - truly.  Going into a meeting like that is scary the first time... . I get it.  The one thing for certain in all this is that for things to change, you are going to have to be the one to do it - why not give Coda a try?   

[Take2]

Yes absolutely agree - major boundary issues.  I'm ready to get better.

I am have therapy this week and have found a Coda meeting this week as well.

Here's the taking one huge step forward... .  

[maxen]

hi Take2. i have some experience now with a 12-step program. i've been in Alanon about 4 months. my stbxw was/is an alcohol abuser, if not an alcoholic, though she did use that word of herself once. that's the ticket to get in, so to speak - that you have lived with someone else's alcoholism and you realized your life was out of control because of it. there was a time in my marriage when that was exactly true: my life felt out of control b/c of my wife's drinking (and other things which i learned only after she bolted were all attempts to deal with (what she still doesn't know is) BPD). however, and let me emphasize this, you can go in without that ticket. Alanon and CoDA (and AA) employ the same 12 steps. i was at a sort of all-city Alanon meeting this afternoon that's held once a month. the greeting contained the line "we welcome you even if you don't think you belong here or you don't know why you're here." just go, sit, listen. if you're self-conscious, pick a chair in the corner or near the door. you don't have to call any attention to yourself.

one of Alanon's slogans is "keep coming back". some people have been in the program for decades, long after the person with alcoholism is out of their lives. it seems to have long lasting benefits. it is not designed though to get you over any one relationship.

look to see if there is more than one meeting in your area, and visit as many as you can get to. in fact Alanon explicitly suggests that you attend six different meetings to get the idea. there is quite a roster of Alanon meetings around me, but only 2 CoDA meetings, and i'm guessing that's not unusual, Alanon is a much bigger program.

really, you should go a few times. besides, the people tend to be friendly!

[Take2]

Thank you so much Maxen - I was really hoping for that sort of input!  There really aren't as many Coda meetings here as I expected there would be - and I live in a major city.  I have been strongly encouraged to go into a 12 step program so that I can have someone (sponsor) there to guide me - because as my doc has pointed out, I'm intelligent, I know what I've been involved with is hurting me, is flat out dangerous to me and yet I keep making poor decisions to still interact with this guy.  I'm an addict.  It's just that I'm an addict to a person/a drama/a trauma bond - whatever you want to call it.  I recognize it now.  And I recognize that if I don't stop it, it could potentially truly destroy my life (he's rather scary when he loses control, to put it mildly). 

I will give both groups a try and whatever else I can find/fit in... .  

[seeking balance]

Here's the taking one huge step forward... .  

Pat yourself on the back for showing courage!

Keep us posted on how you like it. Remember, it tends to take a few meetings to get your balance to where you can settle in and feel a part rather than watching.  Getting a sponsor is a great idea.  I did work the steps with a sponsor - as I mentioned earlier

I find the program itself to be very healing and they are wonderful tools for your recovery toolbelt.

Good job Take2

[maxen]

I have been strongly encouraged to go into a 12 step program so that I can have someone (sponsor) there to guide me

the sponsorship idea is a marvellous thing. i look forward to asking a sponsor but i'd say, don't rush into it. listen in meetings for a while because people's stories and personalities come out in bits.

[Grey Kitty]

I've read 12-step stuff and have family who have gone to meetings, even though I haven't done them myself. But I travel a lot, so I've had indirect exposure to a lot of Al-Anon & CoDA meetings.

You will find larger and smaller meetings, and each one has a bit of its own personality. Most people find that some fit them better than others... . so keep going, and also check out a few different meetings.