Just wondering...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was wondering if anyone has ever approached their ex with some of the insights your psychologist has given you and have they listened? I have learned a lot from mine, he prob needs to go more than me and it frustrates me knowing how much he would see things more clearer if he did. For his sake and for his next future partners sake!

[loz1982]

I was wondering if anyone has ever approached their ex with some of the insights your psychologist has given you and have they listened? I have learned a lot from mine, he prob needs to go more than me and it frustrates me knowing how much he would see things more clearer if he did. For his sake and for his next future partners sake!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, and it didn't end well.  I called her on a bunch of her bullsht, not aggressively, just straightforward, I was right, she knew it, and it sent her into a shame spiral, then of course I was the ashole, which was her flailing against her emotions and trying to cope.

Apart from trying to save and rescue him, what are you motivations for wanting him to hear you and/or benefit from therapy?

[Perfidy]

It will be the shtstorm from hell. You will be forced to look at your self. I can tell you how hard that is. First, it's not necessary because its not really any of your business. Second, you can't fix no one but you. Third, it's wasted energy you could spend on better things, like your own happiness. Your own happiness. Always pick that.

[Waifed]

Resulted in a phone call from the police... . But I never heard from her again:)

[loz1982]

Im not sure fromheeltoheal I guess I'm not handling being painted black when I know there was nothing more I could do, he has to make the improvements and he doesn't see that. I mean I'm not perfect hence why I'm going to see someone, it is certainly helping, I just thought some of the stuff I have learnt might resonate with him at some level so I'm not looked as the evil one. He just thinks I'm stubborn for not going back to him with no actions from him and I haven't got a stubborn bone in my body. He doesn't understand what is at stake for me and if I went back with nothing that I have asked of him done, we will end up in this same spot. I guess I just want him to show he has a heart, stupid hey!

[janey62]

Hi Loz,

If your relationship is over then its better to focus your energy on yourself.  Maybe look at why you want to try to fix him?

And actually you can't fix him, as the others have rightly said.  Your wanting him to see you in a good light is, though understandable, pretty hopeless/pointless.  You can't control how he sees you.  PwBPD don't see things the way we do

I approached my ex with my thoughts about BPD and he now thinks I am an interfering wh**e, among other things.  Let it go... . try not to think about him and what he thinks or feels about you, it will drive you crazy... .     and you will only have more questions.

Janey xx

[loz1982]

Hi Janey thank you yeah I think I know what you are saying it's all just still so hard to get my head around how clear it is to us and not to them so frustrating. The hardest part isn't losing them, it's the reasons for it that I struggle most with! I guess it's Sat night and I know he has a bday to go too and I just do my head in not knowing what he is doing who he is with etc

[janey62]

For me Loz it's so hard to walk away from someone I truly love because he is too ill to have a relationship.  He wants me and I want him but this thing is in between us, so yeah the reason for it is pitiful and frustrating.  I tear myself up over it, so I know what you mean. 

I think it's hard to accept that they have an illness, when there is nothing to see and sometimes they behave as if they were perfectly ok.  I was sorting out photos last night so that I don't come across them randomly, putting them in a folder called ':)o Not Open', and there were pictures of our glorious camping holidays... . I felt so sad, so so sad, because at the time I was the happiest I've ever been in my sorry life and I thought I'd come home... .

But I have to just accept or go mad.  Detaching is the key. 

Hang in there Loz.

Janey xxx

[Allmessedup]

I had a very hard time accepting being painted black too honestly.  I had done so much and she accepted no accountability for it whatsoever.

It helped to realize that no ones else's opinion of me was any of my buisness. 

It helped to realize I had been care taking her.

It helped to remember that the only one I can change or truly help is myself.

Put your focus on you.

I read a post here one day that said when someone was thinking about their ex just to say to yourself... . not now.

That works a lot of the time for me.  I do still think about her, I miss her... . but at least that way I have some control over when I think about her instead of leaving me blindsided and ruining my whole day.  I needed desperately to take back that control.

Keep posting.  Keep reading.  That helps enormously

[designgrl]

People don't change unless they think they have a problem and want to change.  Someone could go to t everyday for a whole year and if they don't want to be honest and open to discovering themselves, well, it won't help them see anything more clear. 

As I see it, why continue to put time, energy, emotion, etc,  into a failed relationship?  If it was meant to work out, wouldn't it have worked out the first time?  If he wanted to change and be better, wouldn't he have done that when you were with him? 

I think I would much rather heal myself and then invest my energy into a person who is willing to have and is able to give what is needed to be in a healthy relationship. 

[DiamondSW]

I just can't be bothered.

She sees a psychiatrist every week.  Sure he's told her she's BPD, manic depressive etc etc. 

She was in so much shame/denial/splitting herself, that she never bothered to tell me despite seeing this T man for 1.5yrs and before she met me. 

If she verbally attacks me, yes, I may well 'go for it' verbally, but only to get rid of her and only to stop her continually painting me black to everyone else.  I'll defend myself, but just can't be fussed to do any more. 

I think protecting and defending myself would actually shock her.  At the moment she's 4-0 in the public humiliation stakes.  But if she tries one more crack, I'm not going to sit idly by and feel sorry for her another second.  She has 2 degrees and isn't stupid -and she does know right from wrong, even if she doesn't act like it.

It's her choice -but if she makes the 1st move, then I will churn out the BPD words my T has told me -at least she wont be left looking so smug and educated/terminology clued up as per our breakup.   

[loz1982]

No he isn't asking me to go back and just asking months back didn't make me go back so he knows I require actions before I would even consider it, those actions would never happen! Funny thing is I'm friends with his friends and his mate had a bday last night doctors and nurses theme and I saw a photo of him in a nurses outfit I had bought online to have fun with him with. I thought he would've chucked it by now, what on earth does he still have that for, is he going to give it to the next girl to wear for him? Weird!

[janey62]

Maybe looking at his friends on FB isn't such a good idea Loz?

Asking yourself why they do or say anything is pretty pointless because you are kind of expecting rational behaviour from a person who is incapable of it.  Try making what he does something you show no more interest in.  I know that's hard but detaching requires that we stop asking ourselves about them and start to question how we are instead, putting the focus back onto ourselves.

Being with a pwBPD can become a full time job and an obsession.  We think about them every waking moment when we're in it and it's kind of like quitting an addiction when we detach, giving up an obsession.  It's hard.  Have you read the stuff about Detachment on here?  It's usually on the right of the page... .   It really helped me when I first was separated.  I found myself thinking about him all the time and unable to stop.  It was exhausting.  I still do actually some of the time but it's getting better.

Janey xx

[loz1982]

Thank you janey62 your advice is very helpful and I shouldn't torture myself with friends pictures! Funny though when seeing him I didn't find him attractive was just surprised he still had the outfit. I just felt sad for him as I don't think he means to be like he is. You would've been proud of me wanted to comment on it and didn't! Was afraid of getting a response to be quite honest!

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you janey62 your advice is very helpful and I shouldn't torture myself with friends pictures! Funny though when seeing him I didn't find him attractive was just surprised he still had the outfit. I just felt sad for him as I don't think he means to be like he is. You would've been proud of me wanted to comment on it and didn't! Was afraid of getting a response to be quite honest!

That's valuable feedback loz.  Maybe the worst it can get is we cyberstalk our exes, land on something that looks happy in the skewed reality that is Facebook, and spend the evening crying into our keyboard.  To find him unattractive and feel sad for him could be a step up from that, and an opportunity to be honest with yourself about why you looked in the first place.  The old NC thing is overblown around here, sometimes our exes got under our skin so deeply that there isn't any other option to retain our sanity, that was true for me in the beginning, but some sort of contact or information after the fact can actually help us detach.  I got some emails from my ex about 8 months after I left her, by then I'd gotten my feet on the ground and learned about the disorder, and her manipulation attempts, entitlement and game playing were transparent and pathetic, which actually helped me detach and confirmed my decision to leave her.

So now, how has that experience helped you and how can you use it?