Is this an unreasonable request?

[Southern_Belle]

I've been thinking about this issue between my BPDbf and I, though, I haven't done anything about it - just in the thinking about it stage right now.

The issues of friends/having friends is something many of us have dealt with on a regular basis with our BPD loved ones. I have posted a few times about how E hates with a passion my two friends Susan and Jay (sometimes it seems obsessive!). E has even given me a list of about 40-sum people (all from our mutual hobby) he would like me to unfriend and block on Facebook. He has often said one of his big problems with me is that I'm "friends with some of the most evil and disgusting people on the planet!" He does bring this up often when he dysregulates and rages.

A few weeks ago I posted about his demands for me to give up Susan and other friends. I did not give into his demand and kept my friends. So, this leads up to what's happened recently that I'm thinking of addressing…

He has a friend, A, who I asked him to give up back in 2011 due to their bad behavior together (which I had witnessed and a lot of it directly was affecting me and our relationship). To describe it - A is your typical "mean girl" who can be hurtful and gossipy. I've seen her act that way towards other people. Btw, please note, none of his interaction with A is flirty, romantic or sexual.

So, since I refused to give up the friends he wanted me to, in the beginning of the new year he and A have rekindled their friendship. I know, fair is fair. They don't live in the same state, however, they do spend hours and hours on the phone together. In one week it's not unusual for them to have 3 to 4 phone calls that last over and hour each, sometimes over 2 hours!

I actually knew A through Facebook before meeting E. The three of us are involved in the same hobby and she has a lot of friends, though, there are those that do dislike her and her family. That's why this is an important issue for me. From '09 to mid '11 we were FB friends and I had no quarrel or problem with her. Yeah, I'd see her Fb posts and many of them seemed to be kind of "attention wh*ring" but that happens often on Fb with numerous people. I never gave it much thought. We've all prob seen people do that there, am I right?

A is one of two people that E never splits or paints black. To E, she is the one he talks about me to and the majority of it has been splitting/painting me black. He does tell her of my real and perceived faults (some are lies and others can be exaggerations) and also, a lot of my personal business - finances, health issues, family, etc…

As you can imagine, she has a very negative viewpoint of me and it's because of E.

From what I know, A is aware that E has mental issues though she might be unaware that it is BPD and what BPD is exactly (symptoms, how it manifests, etc…).

E knows that I know of their rekindled friendship. A prob knows, too.

So, here is what I thought of doing… Talking to E about calling a "truce" between A and I. I would talk to the both of them and say I acknowledge their friendship and tell them I'm ok with it (I seriously am at this point). I would also present a teaching opportunity to A and let her know BPD is a serious mental illness and how it has affected E and our relationship. And that mental illness isn't cute, funny or glamourous!

I have done this before in the past with a few other people (some of mine and E's mutual friends, my friends, and some of E's former friends). I've gotten great responses and many have read the links I've provided and learned about mental illness. His best buddy, who comes over often, has learned how to validate E and has provided a good influence on E.

Also note - E does admit and acknowledge his BPD and is open about his therapy and DBT group/lessons.

Why I'm discussing this here is that, unlike with the other friends, A and I have a prickly connection and she has not really had the opportunity to get to know me on her own.

So, anyone have an idea how I should approach A if I get the possibility? I can write something out and let you all read it to get some feedback? 

[Southern_Belle]

One more thing… I'm not expecting A and I to be great pals from all this. I'm looking more for understanding and respect for each other. And leaving it at that.

[Kifazes]

If I were you, I'm not telling you what you should do but want to give you my perspective, I would not approach A. It's likely E will set her up against you when he rages (that's what my BPDbf would have done), and if I were you, I would be scared that A wouldn't believe what you tell.

If she misinterpreted your conversation, she may talk badly about you to E.

I don't know if that is what would happen, but in case with my BPDbf, I surely would keep in mind that this was a possibility.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can find understanding and respect with A.