Why can't I let go

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We stop our relationship in July last year. He moved away to another country and the whole thing ended up really badly as I found out he returned to his ex. So I started to see things more clearly after that, so I returned to my ex too. And things were good between me and my ex. Then ExBpd got back home and started contacting me. At first I didn't reply then I started replying. And we started talking again. He seemed to be a lot more mature and different from that little immature boy that I dated.

So we met up again just after new year for a couple of days. He seemed to be really into me but I wasn't on the same level or so I thought at the time.

Then I travelled on my own for a short period of time to clear my head and think straight. That's when he started his strange behaviour once again. One day I went out without my mobile for about 3 hours. When I got back he went ballistic. Said I wasn't allowed to stay out if touch with him. I got freaked out and told him I needed time on my own to think about things. He got really nasty and started to call me names.

Then I got back from my trip and he started trying to get in touch again. I never replied to either his calls or emails.

That was on the 6th of feb.

He's been very quiet ever since. Which is very unusual. I it's actually puzzling me why he's been so quiet. I know he's in whatsapp 24/7 tho. So he's either being very freaky and looking at our chat logs and pics or he's got someone else. Truth is... . I can't forget him. Even tho I know the relationship was toxic and very bad for me ( I nearly had a breakdown last summer). I just feel there hasn't been any closure. And the fact he might be dating again really hurts me!  

[Dolly rocker]

We stop our relationship in July last year. He moved away to another country and the whole thing ended up really badly as I found out he returned to his ex. So I started to see things more clearly after that, so I returned to my ex too. And things were good between me and my ex. Then ExBpd got back home and started contacting me. At first I didn't reply then I started replying. And we started talking again. He seemed to be a lot more mature and different from that little immature boy that I dated.

So we met up again just after new year for a couple of days. He seemed to be really into me but I wasn't on the same level or so I thought at the time.

Then I travelled on my own for a short period of time to clear my head and think straight. That's when he started his strange behaviour once again. One day I went out without my mobile for about 3 hours. When I got back he went ballistic. Said I wasn't allowed to stay out if touch with him. I got freaked out and told him I needed time on my own to think about things. He got really nasty and started to call me names.

Then I got back from my trip and he started trying to get in touch again. I never replied to either his calls or emails.

That was on the 6th of feb.

He's been very quiet ever since. Which is very unusual. I it's actually puzzling me why he's been so quiet. I know he's in whatsapp 24/7 tho. So he's either being very freaky and looking at our chat logs and pics or he's got someone else. Truth is... . I can't forget him. Even tho I know the relationship was toxic and very bad for me ( I nearly had a breakdown last summer). I just feel there hasn't been any closure. And the fact he might be dating again really hurts me!  

[Allmessedup]

I am sorry you are hurting so much!

It is so very hard sometimes!

I will say that from someone who has gone thru like 20+ recycles the "good" change will last for shorter and shorter periods of time.

Most if us seek the same closure you do.  Unfortunately the disorder doesn't allow it.

Keep learning, keep posting... . it really does help a lot in healing!

[Dolly rocker]

Thank u so much!

Yes, you're right most of us want this closure that will most probably never happen.

The whole thing is so messed up, I mean, for someone who was on my case 24/7 watching my every move, threatening me if I didn't reply to his texts, threatening me to come down to my place and "cause chaos" if I didn't answer his calls... . It's just so weird that he hadn't been in touch at all.

Not sure if I feel sad or scared!

Really not sure.

Oh well I guess I have to keep strong ( I was never the one to call him even when I was at my lowest). So I have to move on not matter what. And this place is great for detaching.

I read everybody's post and the stories are so similar to mine. All the drama, the inconsistency, the crazy jealousy and accusation, the blaming... .

It's madness! I've always considered myself intelligent enough to never fall for a man who's not on the same level as me. And here I am... . sulking for a childish controlling rude little boy.

:-(

[Allmessedup]

Your not sulking... . Ur hurting and that is ok.  One thing I have found is that I needed to forgive myself.

I was way angry with her... . but I was also angry with me.  For being so stupid. Before not seeing it, for not leaving sooner... . the list is endless.

But for me I had to forgive myself before I could even begin to move on.

We have the capacity to love.  We care (too much sometimes). We needed the idealization for some reason.  I needed to look at what brought me to that place, to that relationship.  And forgive myself.

You will see on these boards a thousand people saying be kind to yourself.  It's true.  We all make mistakes. We all have errors in judgement.  We are human. 

 

[love2give]

I feel your pain.  I went to see my T last night and I left there feeling determined to move forward and spend less time thinking about her.

Today I can barely function.  I constantly think of all the good times, the conversations we had.  I mean she really was my best friend and I was hers.  I explained to my T that as much as I could spend an hour talking about the negative things she's done I could spend days talking about the special moments we had and I always go back to that in my mind.

My T asked me if a "best friend" would avoid every single text I sent them no matter how loving it was.  I guess that's a good point.

I just feel so alone and don't see myself ever getting over her.  Hurts bad.

[Dolly rocker]

Thank you so much guys!

It's nice to know I'm not alone!

It's beyond my understanding why he's got such a strong hold on me. I guess we must be some kind of masochists!

:-S

But in my case it's even harder to understand why I'm still hooked on him after everything he's done to me.

If I outweigh the Good and the bad, the bad predominates.

I was a nervous wreck all the time. I wasn't myself anymore. I had no freedom. Even at work is feel uncomfortable if I talked to a male colleague. How bad is that?

He even said he wanted me to carry a second phone around my neck so he could reach me at anytime.

Mental! Absolutely mental. And guess what folks, I still MISS HIM!

Although I'm coming to realise it's not him that I miss. I think it's the attention he was constantly giving me.

I liked to feel special and wanted. And maybe that's what I'm missing.

But then again, do I really need to be stalked, shouted at, watched, controlled 24/7?

Do I want to be proving myself and worrying about not upsetting him 24/7?

Do I need to be made feel small, compared to his ex, and abused 24/7?

Hell NO!

I'm better than that.

I'm young, well travelled, attractive ( people say so) and relatively intelligent. I come from a loving family and have my dream job.

I don't need this man to rule my life!

C'mon guys, let's lift ourselves from out of these blues!

We are worth it and we know it!

[Clearmind]

Sometimes we need to find our own closure and sometimes closure is right there - we just don't want to accept it.

Calling you names and his repeated demands on you does not provide you with some sort of closure?

[Dolly rocker]

Absolutely, Clearmind!

It right there in front of me! I still hold onto his nasty emails and text messages as a wake up call.

And on days like this when I feel low or start missing him I read them nasty messages and get stronger!

[growing_wings]

But then again, do I really need to be stalked, shouted at, watched, controlled 24/7?

Do I want to be proving myself and worrying about not upsetting him 24/7?

Do I need to be made feel small, compared to his ex, and abused 24/7?

Hell NO!

I'm better than that.

I'm young, well travelled, attractive ( people say so) and relatively intelligent. I come from a loving family and have my dream job.

I don't need this man to rule my life!

C'mon guys, let's lift ourselves from out of these blues!

We are worth it and we know it!

Amen to this!

great words Dolly Rocker!

FOr me, letting go is a challenge that i take each day. It does not happen overnight, some days i am ok, some days i miss my ex a lot. But those words you type above are the ones that made me wanting to move on...

I dont want to life her life, i need to live mine!

one step at the time.

At hte beginning i wanted closure like crazy, the more time passes, the more i realize that it wont happen, not the way i want it. So i need to find closure myself.

stay strong and let go