How to deal with a manipulative ex?

[Jonie]

-

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

I have had exactly this experience.

My boyfriend has an ex wife and two kids. His ex is extremely manipulative and knows all of his weaknesses and buttons to push. Additionally her family is glad to join in on applying pressure. So we had loads of conflict, she had never given up on trying to manipulate him back, and is extremely controlling.

It worked for a long time, and he was torn back and forth, eventually started up an affair with her and left me for a while. His explanation was feeling horrible guilt, a failure as father and former husband. There is loads more.

So while he and I trying to get over the affair, recover our relationship, he continues to be subjected to a variety of manipulations where his ex uses the children to bully, threaten, intimidate, guilt him. He claims to have gotton past the point of feeling guilted to go back, but she has custody 100% and he is completely subjected at this time to her whims about when he can see the kids. So she is still able to manipulate a load of things out of him, particularly when he is visiting the children and he has to go THERE to see them.

Not to write a book, but I totally "get" where you are coming from.

The thing that began to make a difference in my situation is when my boyfriend began to accept that he is not actually so powerless. At some point he will take her and her family on for visitation, but he is resigned that even if he has some custody, he will be in for massive drama every time he tries to take the kids anywhere but her place. I am pretty sure he will, too. So he keeps backing down.

What is the custody situation in your case? Does your guy have any legal custody? If not, is he figuring out how to get some?

[Jonie]

Hi Zencat, sorry to hear you are in this mess. Having an ex controlling you by means of the children you have together is hard to deal with for anyone, so almost impossible for people with BPD - as I expect your boyfriend has, since you're on these boards?

It must have been so painful for you that he started a relationship with her again!

In my case, he doesn't have custody as they were never married. He is entitled to it, and it may even be settled by filling in a form, but he is afraid even to ask her to co-sign it. After this year, he will not try to ask anything at all from her. It's also related to his sense of 'I deserve to be miserable'.