I seem to be right back where I started

[Depression = 72% of members]

Told H 4 weeks ago that I wanted a divorce.  He became an emotional mess, made (and is still making) all kinds of promises about changing, getting counseling, blah blah blah.

His emotional out-pouring seemed very sincere and was very intense.  He has been constantly telling me he loves me and will do anything to keep me in his life.  I have been trying really hard to stay strong and hold my ground.  But, about two weeks ago I told him that I would consider holding off on divorce papers if he moves out of the house and we would try a "healing separation".  This was first brought up by my about 3 weeks ago.  He is "struggling" with the idea of it, however, every 2-3 days he starts acting like he is moving ahead with it, shows me that he is looking for an apartment and acts like he is on board with the whole thing.  Then, a couple of days later I realize that he is not moving forward after all despite the fact he told me he was.  So basically the last 3 weeks have been a constant push and pull.  Rents are too high, this will cost us a lot of money, maybe he can just move to the basement instead... . all of these things said by him. 

Friday night he brought up an "idea" that he had, which was that he would move out and live in the apartment for two weeks and then I would move to the apartment for two weeks and we would alternate like that for the duration of the separation.  I told him absolutely not, I will not move away from my kids.  He kept pushing and I basically had a hysterical emotional breakdown.  This is my point of no-compromise and I told him that. 

Last night he came home with a flyer for a condo that is for sale in a neighboring town for a very reasonable price which we could afford.  I actually thought that was a good idea and was (again) feeling a little optimistic that maybe he will come around.

This morning he woke up around 5:00 and I heard him leave the house, assuming he was going to get a paper.  I woke up again around 6:30 and realized he was still gone.  I checked my coat pocket and my office keys were gone.  I couldn't remember if they had been in there but they weren't at that time.  I went back to bed and he came home a few minutes later.  When I got up later, I checked my coat pocket and my office keys were there.  That means he came to my office, used my keys to get in, and possibly saw everything I have been keeping in relation to this divorce.  I was beyond angry.  I confronted him about it and he immediately broke down... . apologizing, apologizing, apologizing.

I told him he crossed a line, big-time.  We have security cameras at work... . what if someone saw him coming in?  Does he realize I could get in trouble for that?  Does he care?  He said he woke up at 2:30 this morning and his mind started racing and he became paranoid.  I asked him what there was to be paranoid about?  I already told him I wanted a divorce so why would he be paranoid that I might be considering divorce?  He sat there in front of me for 10 minutes staring at me and apologizing... . I told him to get away from me that I was mad and that him sitting there looking pitiful was just controlling behavior and that I was not going to stop being mad at him because he was being pathetic.

He came back to me about 30 minutes later and said he wanted to come to my office with me, so I could show him what was in my office.  I yelled at him are you kidding me?  Why would I take him to my office?  Then he told me that he was concerned that maybe he didn't lock the door behind him.  WOW... . my blood pressure went up.  I work in a building that has college students living in it and my office has confidential information in it.  He then told me he would ride in to my office with me so he could "show me which door" it was that he "forgot" to lock.  I refused and told him he was not going with me.  He tried to get in the car with me and I started screaming at him that he was not going and that there was one door through which you enter my office suite so I can figure out which door he forgot to lock.  He told me he sat on the floor inside that door and started bawling and never made it to my office.

I am sitting in my office now.  The door was, in fact, NOT locked.  The pile of papers that I have been keeping regarding the divorce has been knocked over and were laying on my desk so I know he was in here. 

He clearly has some serious issues.  I am done dealing with them.  I am so upset about all of this.  He needs help and his new counselor isn't available until April 6 - he has seen her twice and now she is out of town or booked for the next 6 weeks.  He is acting irrationally and I can't deal with it anymore.

Not really looking for advice... . just needed a place to vent.  He has been holding on to the idea that a separation would work and that we could eventually be together again.  I was trying to keep an open mind but then this happened and I realize that there is no way I can deal with his intensity anymore.

I am done with all of this... .

[nevaeh]

Told H 4 weeks ago that I wanted a divorce.  He became an emotional mess, made (and is still making) all kinds of promises about changing, getting counseling, blah blah blah.

His emotional out-pouring seemed very sincere and was very intense.  He has been constantly telling me he loves me and will do anything to keep me in his life.  I have been trying really hard to stay strong and hold my ground.  But, about two weeks ago I told him that I would consider holding off on divorce papers if he moves out of the house and we would try a "healing separation".  This was first brought up by my about 3 weeks ago.  He is "struggling" with the idea of it, however, every 2-3 days he starts acting like he is moving ahead with it, shows me that he is looking for an apartment and acts like he is on board with the whole thing.  Then, a couple of days later I realize that he is not moving forward after all despite the fact he told me he was.  So basically the last 3 weeks have been a constant push and pull.  Rents are too high, this will cost us a lot of money, maybe he can just move to the basement instead... . all of these things said by him. 

Friday night he brought up an "idea" that he had, which was that he would move out and live in the apartment for two weeks and then I would move to the apartment for two weeks and we would alternate like that for the duration of the separation.  I told him absolutely not, I will not move away from my kids.  He kept pushing and I basically had a hysterical emotional breakdown.  This is my point of no-compromise and I told him that. 

Last night he came home with a flyer for a condo that is for sale in a neighboring town for a very reasonable price which we could afford.  I actually thought that was a good idea and was (again) feeling a little optimistic that maybe he will come around.

This morning he woke up around 5:00 and I heard him leave the house, assuming he was going to get a paper.  I woke up again around 6:30 and realized he was still gone.  I checked my coat pocket and my office keys were gone.  I couldn't remember if they had been in there but they weren't at that time.  I went back to bed and he came home a few minutes later.  When I got up later, I checked my coat pocket and my office keys were there.  That means he came to my office, used my keys to get in, and possibly saw everything I have been keeping in relation to this divorce.  I was beyond angry.  I confronted him about it and he immediately broke down... . apologizing, apologizing, apologizing.

I told him he crossed a line, big-time.  We have security cameras at work... . what if someone saw him coming in?  Does he realize I could get in trouble for that?  Does he care?  He said he woke up at 2:30 this morning and his mind started racing and he became paranoid.  I asked him what there was to be paranoid about?  I already told him I wanted a divorce so why would he be paranoid that I might be considering divorce?  He sat there in front of me for 10 minutes staring at me and apologizing... . I told him to get away from me that I was mad and that him sitting there looking pitiful was just controlling behavior and that I was not going to stop being mad at him because he was being pathetic.

He came back to me about 30 minutes later and said he wanted to come to my office with me, so I could show him what was in my office.  I yelled at him are you kidding me?  Why would I take him to my office?  Then he told me that he was concerned that maybe he didn't lock the door behind him.  WOW... . my blood pressure went up.  I work in a building that has college students living in it and my office has confidential information in it.  He then told me he would ride in to my office with me so he could "show me which door" it was that he "forgot" to lock.  I refused and told him he was not going with me.  He tried to get in the car with me and I started screaming at him that he was not going and that there was one door through which you enter my office suite so I can figure out which door he forgot to lock.  He told me he sat on the floor inside that door and started bawling and never made it to my office.

I am sitting in my office now.  The door was, in fact, NOT locked.  The pile of papers that I have been keeping regarding the divorce has been knocked over and were laying on my desk so I know he was in here. 

He clearly has some serious issues.  I am done dealing with them.  I am so upset about all of this.  He needs help and his new counselor isn't available until April 6 - he has seen her twice and now she is out of town or booked for the next 6 weeks.  He is acting irrationally and I can't deal with it anymore.

Not really looking for advice... . just needed a place to vent.  He has been holding on to the idea that a separation would work and that we could eventually be together again.  I was trying to keep an open mind but then this happened and I realize that there is no way I can deal with his intensity anymore.

I am done with all of this... .

[Surnia]

Wow, nevaeh, what a story! I would be upset too. This is really beyond boundaries.

Well done that you insisted not going together to the office again. 

Give yourself sometime to come down from all this first. 

And than its probably time to think about the next steps... . 

[heartandwhole]

nevaeh,

Your feelings are so understandable in this situation, this has been such a rocky road. I'm sorry this is breaking down again...

[losingconfidence]

Wow, that is terrible. I would have been very upset if someone snuck into my workplace to get information about me. I feel for you.

[CdnSunrise]

Yikes. Can you still move with your kids to your sister's house? I really don't think he's going to leave your home. Leaving with the kids was the only thing that worked in my situation. It helped so much to just be away and gather my thoughts -- and to realize that a house is just a house, that my sanity and safety was much more valuable than any building.

It's still hard for me to comprehend that our BPDh's are so alike. Mine did (or would have done) very similar things - very smart, and very manipulative. You're doing really, really well -- in my experience, the leaving and establishing NC where the most hellish parts of the whole ordeal. Hang in there nevaeh!

[pallavirajsinghani]

nevaeh:  I am concerned at the extent of his disregulation.  He could have made a duplicate key to your office.  Before you think that it is not a possibility, please reflect that you would have never thought that he would enter your office illegally.  As there are young college students and sensitive data involved, my strong opinion is that you should tell your supervisor/boss of this event and ask for a change of locks at the very least.  Inform the security company at the building as well.  Let them decide whether or not to get a restraining order or charge him for tresspass/illegal entry.

This is a potential volatile situation where the safety of others may be in question as well.

Yes, this means that your job may be threatened too... .  however, most companies are very protective of employees in situation such as yours... .  I do not expect you to be penalized for coming forward.  And if you are, there are legal protections against that.

Just something to think about... .  and who knows, this may be the wake up call he needs to begin thinking seriously about getting help.

I am praying for you.  God Bless.

[whirlpoollife]

nevaeh, wow, I feel for what you are going through so sorry.

After I had filed for divorce, x2bh stayed in the house. I had moved some important things to another location. He was so sad, so heartbroken, couldn't understand why I was leaving him etc. I had to leave out of town for a week.  When I came back, the house was picked through entirely and most  other left papers were gone.  So very two faced.

Going back, on the day he received the divorce complaint, he was texting me that he was so sad and crying, it was a total surprise to him.  Later, I found out that he was in his L's office that day going over all the money issues.     He was prepared with the best divorce/custody L in the county.  if it was a total surprise how did he get an appointment with a L that same day.

In our first years of marriage was when I first  wanted to leave h. I fell for the blame and obviously  stayed and I remember him saying that if I left him then it shows that he is a failure. I now realize that it was not in the sense that he failed at keeping the marriage civil  or showing his love for me but a blow to his insecure narcissist ego.

[nevaeh]

nevaeh:  I am concerned at the extent of his disregulation.  He could have made a duplicate key to your office.  Before you think that it is not a possibility, please reflect that you would have never thought that he would enter your office illegally.  As there are young college students and sensitive data involved, my strong opinion is that you should tell your supervisor/boss of this event and ask for a change of locks at the very least.  Inform the security company at the building as well.  Let them decide whether or not to get a restraining order or charge him for tresspass/illegal entry.

This is a potential volatile situation where the safety of others may be in question as well.

Yes, this means that your job may be threatened too... . however, most companies are very protective of employees in situation such as yours... . I do not expect you to be penalized for coming forward.  And if you are, there are legal protections against that.

Just something to think about... . and who knows, this may be the wake up call he needs to begin thinking seriously about getting help.

I am praying for you.  God Bless.

I am concerned as well.

He started counseling about 3 weeks ago and has seen his counselor twice.  However, she is either out of the office or booked solid with appointments until April 6, I believe, which means he is going without help for too long of a time period.  He is a complete mess.  He has lost 15 pounds in 4 weeks (wasn't that big to start out with), he cried constantly and is in a constant state of sadness.  He is in the Air Force part time and he talked to one of the medical doctors about medication but if he ever wants to get a command (he is currently a Lt Colonel, working on being promoted to colonel) he can't have any time periods of being on depression or anxiety medication on his record.  They wouldn't kick him out for it but he wouldn't be able to take command of a group.  He told me he is contacting his employer EAP program today to see if he can find someone to help him for the next few weeks.  I have told him repeatedly that I CANNOT be the person to help him through this.  

Regarding the keys, there is no way he could have made copies of the keys - they are government-issued keys and it would have been illegal for anyone to make a copy - besides the fact that he had them between 5-6am and there is no place he could have gone to even try to get them duplicated.  That being said, I realize the seriousness of what he did and am extremely troubled about it.  I need to talk to my supervisor today to see what, if anything, needs to be done.  I am in a senior management position so this will look really bad for me.  The only good thing is that my boss knows everything I've been going through so hopefully he will be understanding.

We, again, were discussing him moving out last night.  Now we are looking at purchasing an inexpensive condo about 15 miles from where we live now.  The mortgage payment would be significantly less than the rents that we are finding and it is something that could be eventually sold or rented out.  

My dilemma is this... . I have talked extensively with him about the concept of a "healing separation", in which we would have a period of no contact (at least 1-2 months) and then see where we are at then... . he would continue to work with his counselor and I with mine... . at some point we would start couples counseling.  For a while I thought maybe this would be a good option that would get him out of the house so I could think straight and then, on the off-chance that he is able to make huge progress on his issues, then perhaps we could try re-creating our relationship.  However, especially after the incident this weekend, I am doubtful that I am ever going to be able to get back together with him.  If I decide to go ahead and file paperwork now, I know he is literally going to completely fall apart.  He is so low right now... . lower than I would have imagined.  On the other hand, if he even thinks there is a chance for us, then I will have to go through all of this again... . except it would be easier because he won't be in the house.  So, the question I am trying to answer for myself is whether I pull the trigger on the divorce or do I continue with the concept of the healing separation.  H is in a very, very dark place right now and I'm afraid one little push will put him over the edge - he is already very close.  I think he is finally understanding that time apart is really what we need right now.  

My sister's house is still available and I could move there with the kids in a few weeks.  If H leaves the house now then we could ride this out without having the turmoil of moving.  

I have asked myself... . what is my gut instinct telling me?  It is telling me that I need to move on with my life without him.  :)o I take the path of least resistance and focus on separation or do I just move ahead with the divorce paperwork, knowing that if I do that, the pressure will just get worse and since we are still in the same house, the situation will only get more emotional and more stressful.

I told him last night that while he may not believe it, my presence in the house with him is NOT good for him right now.  He is terrified of being without me with him, but I told him that he needs to get away from me to start being able to cope with all of this.  As long as I am near him, he is spending all of his energy trying to "convince" me that he will change and that he will be the husband I "deserve".  

We shall see what the rest of the day holds... .