Can I have a drama free wedding day?

[pink_heart44]

So I'm getting married in a little over 3 months. Obviously I invited my uBPD mother... . This makes me very anxious. I have no idea how she's going to act. I can assume it wont be well though. The attention wont be on her but I know she'll try to change that. Both her ex husbands will be there who she doesn't get along with. It just seems like a recipe for disaster.

I want so much for her to be on good behavior this day... .

So how where your moms when yall got married? Where they able to keep it together?

[Up In the Air]

Hi pink_heart44!

Congratulations on getting married! 

My husband's mother is uBPD. She actually behaved better than I thought she would on our wedding day. She (and my FIL) didn't sign the guest book, barged in on me getting ready so she could see me (though I smoothed it over pretty well at the time), and was rude to other wedding guests. I didn't hear every detail about how she treated them, but I was told that she gave several guests the stink-eye and made them feel uncomfortable. I don't think they stayed the entire time either, but I didn't notice at the time... . I was too happy being a newlywed.

And that's the focus that I suggest you take - it's about YOU! Not her. We all know too well how much BPD's can love attention. I had people set up in place (without her knowing) that if she was going to cause a scene to remove her from the ceremony/celebration. I wanted to make sure that our day would be about us and it made me feel better knowing that at the most, she could only cause problems for a moment. Even the wedding planner knew that she might have to step in to smooth things over if something happened. I was happy I took the precaution and thankful none of it really went into play.

After answering another member's post a few weeks ago about her wedding worries, I've been thinking about it. My MIL is high-functioning. She always wants to appear perfect, not nuts. So I don't think she would have caused a scene as my family would have made those judgements about her and she couldn't handle being thought of in any other way than perfect.

[CollectedChaos]

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!   

There was a lot of drama leading up to my wedding (of course),  but luckily on the day of, things were much better than I expected.  I was very nervous, like you are, but overall things went fine.  I limited my interaction with her on the day of, which I believe helped, I made sure she wasn't seated near anyone that I thought could stir up any sort of emotion in her (my father, who she divorced, along with my aunts/uncles who she was not speaking to at the time were all there, so I made sure not to seat them near each other), and we also enlisted my bridesmaids and groomsmen to keep an eye on her for the night - if they saw her doing anything out of the ordinary they were going to go see what was going on and ask her to leave if need be.  She left relatively early (probably because she wasn't getting any attention), so that wasn't needed, but it was good to have those things in place just in case.  Put us at ease that we were ready for whatever she may throw at us. 

My uBPDmom tends to be on okay behavior during the actual event and blow up before/after though (which she did, the next day, but at that point I didn't care), so my experience may be a bit different than others.

Remember this day is about YOU and your soon to be husband - don't let anyone else get in the way of that, no matter what drama unfolds!

[mlle24]

I went through this not that long ago actually. My wedding was small, we got married on a Friday at the courthouse. But I wanted my best friend, her husband, my uBPD mom, and my "aunt" (my uBPD mom's best friend of 25 years who she no longer speaks to).  I told my mom I was THINKING about inviting my aunt.  She told me if I did, she wouldn't be coming.  Well... . of course that was a "change back" statement, because she wanted to be in control and if she wasn't she was going to find a way to make it about her and get control.  I told her if she chose not to come to my wedding, that would very likely impact our relationship in the future, and since I'm pregnant with her first and only grandchild on the way I didn't think that was what she really wanted to do.  Of course I felt guilty and eventually decided to leave it to just my best friend her husband and my mom.  I spent the day with my best friend getting ready, and she met us all there. She had a relatively small role. Show up, watch, stand for some pictures, and go to dinner.  She continued to try to make it about her in the days before (wanted to invite her ex boyfriend whom she knows I dislike - he would have been drunk and disorderly and I haven't spoken to him since they broke up; she wanted to invite her friend - also an alcoholic, also a bad influence, also not my favorite person; so on and so forth).  I told her no on her ex, but she could invite her friend to dinner but not the ceremony. She came by herself, watched, stood for pictures, went to dinner and even picked up the check.

But the next day, all the problems and drama and complaints came rolling in.  But I was excited to be a newly wed.  I would tell you to plan for chaos before and after and PRAY to not have it on the day of.  That, or just plan to have your really good friends/family members prepared to put her in check/kick her out/take away that microphone or drink.  Enjoy your day. Because ultimately it is YOUR day. With YOUR husband. She is not your spouse. She is not you. It is not about her, not in the slightest.  It's hard to accept that we can have a day about us, when BPD parents are SOO good at getting attention and stealing attention that isn't theirs.

Good luck. I hope it goes smoothly.

[AnnieSurvivor]

I used to be a volunteer wedding director at my church, and I came to expect that family issues of some sort would be a part of most every wedding, and I would usually (delicately) ask about it during my first meeting with the couple.  I'd say at least half would admit to something right away - usually along the lines of divorced parents.

I took it as my job to make sure the wedding day was about the couple and to minimize any tricky family members.  Even if you don't have an official person helping, find a friend who could possibly serve in this role (one preferably not connected to your family - one they will likely never see again.)  I will say my experience is that most family members do tend to behave better in these settings.  I only remember one time when I had to have a "conversation" with an insecure second wife who was complaining nonstop - I just looked at her and said "this day is about the bride and groom, so please try and remember that and sit where they want you to."  Sometimes a stranger calling them out is enough to shut them up for a while!