is staying calm seen as a strength or a weakness

[itsnotme567]

First I would like to thank everyone here for the time and effort that keeps a site like this available.

Most people know me as someone that seldom gets mad. Early in r/s with my uBPDw many people commented on the calming effect I had on her and how much she had changed. So now 2 years later I've been painted black she says she hates and can't wait to get away from me but   seems to be making no move towards finding a new place.

My question is does my just sitting while she rages at me and leaving when she's done usually without me saying a word to her Make me seem weak? if I feel there is some truth to what she says I do try agree with her.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

First I would like to thank everyone here for the time and effort that keeps a site like this available.

Most people know me as someone that seldom gets mad. Early in r/s with my uBPDw many people commented on the calming effect I had on her and how much she had changed. So now 2 years later I've been painted black she says she hates and can't wait to get away from me but   seems to be making no move towards finding a new place.

My question is does my just sitting while she rages at me and leaving when she's done usually without me saying a word to her Make me seem weak? if I feel there is some truth to what she says I do try agree with her.

Seem weak to who? This is not a trivial question

She can take it as passive aggressive challenging

What effect does staying put have on you?

[itsnotme567]

Do I'm seem weak to her and yes since you mentioned it I see how she could take it as passive aggressive Challenging. As far as how it effects me I used to feel guilty and rack my brain trying to find where I went wrong, now that I understand that little of what she says is based on reality I listen for anything that makes sense to me and try to address the issues if I can.

[elemental]

Why the lack of response on your part?

It doesn't make you seem weak. It makes it look passive agressive and verbally abusive through the silent treatment.

I have been the recipient of silent treatment many times. It is incredibly painful to endure, makes me feel non existent, hopeless and incredibly enraged at the person doing it. I have learned detachment to some degree and that is helpful.

Why the silence? Why not set a boundry instead and tell her that you are willing to discuss and try and help, but if she becomes abusive, you will end the conversation until she is able to speak to you calmly.

Then you enforce it. After a few times, she will take you seriously and attempt a calm discussion. However, you will actually need to try and have that discussion.

I am venturing to guess that her escalating rage at you has a lot to do with your silent treatment when she is trying to talk to you.

[toasty]

Why the silence? Why not set a boundry instead and tell her that you are willing to discuss and try and help, but if she becomes abusive, you will end the conversation until she is able to speak to you calmly.

I tried that for one of our problems 18 years ago, I'm still waiting. Sorry for the thread-jack.

[musicfan42]

itsnotme567, I think that your response is a passive communication style so yes, it will be perceived as weak by your borderline wife.

Have you taken a look at the workshop threads on assertiveness? There's threads on DEARMAN and DEARMAN scripts that I would recommend.

There's also a book on assertiveness that I like called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Assertiveness is all about standing up for yourself in a respectful manner... not being aggressive but not being passive either... just having a nice balance.

[Love Is Not Enough]

My gf has told me before that I should show more "feeling" when we are fighting. Basically invalidating how I handle myself and trying to self validate her atrocious behavior. I got the feeling that it made her not feel "loved" because I did not fight with her. I guess in her distorted world she sees verbal abuse as being passionate. I think this is a dynamic she got into with her NPDex and wanted to repeat that drama with me. Luckily, now I have gotten smart enough to step out of it.

It does appear weak to her and that is why she will keep doing it until you stop it. Try to use the tools as already recommended to have a civil conversation. If that does not work, then disengage and take a time out. Do not subject yourself to the abuse. You deserve better than that.

[joshbjoshb]

It really makes no difference what it appears to her, unless you are very busy with thinking "what she thinks about me" type of thing. And if this is the case, you should learn how to stop seeking validation from her... .

Instead, the question is - does it help or make the situation worse? You know the answer. While I do it many times, I know it makes it worse.

However, it's perfectly fine IMHO to say "I am not in the mood of this conversation right now, sorry" and insist on not discussing this. I told my wife once "you can talk to me about anything loveable and happy, but not about my flaws."

She said I am never open to that conversation. I say it's because they are always coming in an attacking way. But the main point is don't just sit there. Either get up and leave, and explain to her why.

[waverider]

If you make it clear why you are not engaging, it will remove her justification to put whatever interpretation she feels like on it.

You can choose to do whatever you like, that is your right, but a choice is more empowering when it is crystal clear that it is a choice for a specific reason, rather than a default do nothing action.

As far as whats wright/wrong/fair/reasonable, as joshbjoshb states does it make things better or worse for you, thats all that really matters.

[itsnotme567]

I'll be working on setting some boundaries and learning to use the tools on this site.

I do know I've learned so much living with her, I've seen the world from a new perspective. learned much about my self and have improved myself in some areas. Thank you all for your comments.