I wasnt as good or as stable as i thought i was for her...

[growing_wings]

HI L6,

I have been thinking a lot about my own neediness and how this impacted the relationship.

I thought i was the "healthy" one in the r/s, and although i would be the healthiER from the two of us, i was not the stable person i have brought myself to believe i was... .

we were very good friends ( i considered her my best friend!) before the r/s... . we were good to each other at the friendhsip stage, i was very supportive to her and she was to me. Then we started the r/s, and we could not have enough of each other... . she was needy and started to control everything on me, my friendships, my hobbies, my clothes, my free time, you name it, but i WAS needy too, and i kind of enjoyed someone else take control of my life... .  then the raging began, the blaming, the crazy making... .  

i am thinking, my own neediness might have triggered her too... . at the beginning of the friendship i was a very independent woman, at the end of r/s, i was the most needy person, i couldnt think for myself, i couldnt imagine my life wihtout her, doing so gave me so much anxiety... she became my world.  Maybe this attitude from me triggered her more?  she felt more responsible for me?

then, when my integrity became to be more and more compromised by doing what she asked me to do, is when i stopped. I didnt stop the r/s because i couldnt take it more of her crap and abuse, i stopped it because i was losing my integrity... .

in the post b/u stage, i still feel my neediness creep up ... . and at times i am close to text her or email her. But i need to remember this neediness is what took me down (and perhaps didnt help her either). I need to fight that neediness with inner power, and the ability to control myself. Is about me taking the control back...

then , i wasnt as good as i thought i was... . or as stable.

Stepping away from the r/s, was the only way to help her and help me... .  now i am starting to understand this more clearly.

[seeking balance]

but i WAS needy too, and i kind of enjoyed someone else take control of my life... .  

GW - I could have written this too; and this aspect has been a big part of my own recovery. 

Reality:  My mother was controlling, very - and this was how I equated love.  When my ex wanted to take control and I was so tired of "holding it together" - I thought it was love.

In my FOO, my needs were considered weak and when I got really honest, I seem to attract people who either: use my needs against me, abandon me if I need anything or take over and control.

We all have needs - learning to self soothe versus have healthy outlets of support has been part of my new balance.  Vulnerability in a healthy way and from a healthy place.

This is a really deep, good topic - I probably have not done it justice - I do hope others jump in.

Peace,

SB

[myself]

It's natural to have needs, we all do. It's do they take over our lives or not.

The r/s I was in had me thinking, at least at first, that my needs were being met. When it became a game of control, those same needs were being denied. This lead to the classic pattern of jumping through hoops hoping a recycle would get them met. The need to be loved was shared by her, but the closer we got the more she was triggered. Which triggered me. This kept us both unbalanced.

Growing Wings, do you think feeling needy has to do with how you were being controlled/manipulated? That your needs were exaggerated by the situation, not because that is who you always are? I think we get so used to taking on too much in these r/s, we even fault ourselves for being ourselves. For having needs. Being honest with yourself, do you really think your needs were what broke up the r/s? Was the person you were with able to be there for you when you really needed her? When you're there for yourself, how does it feel?

Integrity and self respect are important in any r/s, including the one we have with ourselves.

It makes sense that when you saw you were struggling with that, you did something positive about it.

That's taking care of your own needs. That's being good and stable. Living your own life again.

[Allmessedup]

This topic resonates hugely with me.  Like growing wings we started off as friends and I *thought* I was so strong.  Later I became the neediest person ever.

Like sb I had a very controlling mother and I was taught not to meet my own needs.

I am sure I triggered the hell out of her with my neediness.  And I recreated the roles of my past with my mother.  I always had to be the one to support my mom.  It didn't matter if I wanted to see my dad. I couldn't because that would be betraying my mother.  I was there to take on her responsibilities for my younger sisters, the cooking, the cleaning etc.  all her roles as a parent because she was too stressed, weak, tired whatever to do so.

I recreated that role in my relationship with my ex especially.  I did everything for her.  I assumed that would make her happy and was what she wanted.  I suppose I thought I had to earn her love not for who I was but because of what I could do for her.

My mother often would withhold love if I didn't please her.

As did my ex.

In return for all of this I was left silently raging for my own needs not getting met.

And she was left feeling controlled and belittled.

But yet I was the one who would not allow myself to be vulnerable... .

This post probably makes little sense but I am grateful that u started this thread growing wings... . it has given me a lot to think about

[seeking balance]

I recreated that role in my relationship with my ex especially.  I did everything for her.  I assumed that would make her happy and was what she wanted.  I suppose I thought I had to earn her love not for who I was but because of what I could do for her.

My mother often would withhold love if I didn't please her.

I could have written this too - one of my "aha" moments was in my separation (MC suggested), I went to visit my parents across country - to say that I was emotionally exhausted was an understatement.  My mother was just pushy, needy and I lost it - I totally left and called my T and literally said, "OMG, I married my mother".  I did... . as long as I didn't have needs, it was ok - but when I needed to take care of me, neither of them could handle it and acted out.

The mirroring early in the BPD relationship falsely made me thought I had someone who could meet my needs, it was really a means to an end.

The thing is, we can heal on this - honestly.  Grieving all of it - learning boundaries, positive self talk - creating new, positive habits for self soothing. 

Looking this stuff in the mirror and feeling it is indeed the first step to healing.

[growing_wings]

but i WAS needy too, and i kind of enjoyed someone else take control of my life... .  

GW - I could have written this too; and this aspect has been a big part of my own recovery. 

Reality:  My mother was controlling, very - and this was how I equated love.  When my ex wanted to take control and I was so tired of "holding it together" - I thought it was love.

In my FOO, my needs were considered weak and when I got really honest, I seem to attract people who either: use my needs against me, abandon me if I need anything or take over and control.

We all have needs - learning to self soothe versus have healthy outlets of support has been part of my new balance.  Vulnerability in a healthy way and from a healthy place.

This is a really deep, good topic - I probably have not done it justice - I do hope others jump in.

Peace,

SB

hi SB, thanks for the post. i relate a lot, and i agree, self soothing is something i need to learn, and has been one of my weak points for a while, i also thought it was "love"... .

My T has also suggested to show "vulnerability" in a healthy and mature way... . i am trying to learn that balance. seems like is in the right direction, so thanks for hsaring !

[growing_wings]

The r/s I was in had me thinking, at least at first, that my needs were being met. When it became a game of control, those same needs were being denied. This lead to the classic pattern of jumping through hoops hoping a recycle would get them met. The need to be loved was shared by her, but the closer we got the more she was triggered. Which triggered me. This kept us both unbalanced.

Growing Wings, do you think feeling needy has to do with how you were being controlled/manipulated? That your needs were exaggerated by the situation, not because that is who you always are? I think we get so used to taking on too much in these r/s, we even fault ourselves for being ourselves. For having needs. Being honest with yourself, do you really think your needs were what broke up the r/s? Was the person you were with able to be there for you when you really needed her? When you're there for yourself, how does it feel?

myself, you wrote it very well in the first paragraph, the game for control and having those needs denied... soo true for me in the r/s too.

That your needs were exaggerated by the situation, not because that is who you always are?

You highlight a very good point. Yes, i think my needs were being exaggerated, at the beginning of the friendship i recall i found some of her statements soo out of place, like she saying i was very inmature and needed protection (when i knew i had a very good job and a decent independence), more and more comments from here were being exaggerated, at the beginning i realized of those but didnt care, i just knew they were not real, then more into the r/s i believed all those comments and assumptions to be true...

Was the person you were with able to be there for you when you really needed her?

NO, never. when i really needed her, she was far and away. that hurt like hell at the beginning.

When you're there for yourself, how does it feel?

feels lonely and weird to begin with ... . even anxious... but i am learning to be for myself. Is like re-learning. I was able to do it before the r/s (sort of) so, is returning to th at. I am starting to feel better... . i read a lot of spiritual type books, have a dog and play with her... etc.etc...

good questions! thanks!

[growing_wings]

This topic resonates hugely with me.  Like growing wings we started off as friends and I *thought* I was so strong.  Later I became the neediest person ever.

Like sb I had a very controlling mother and I was taught not to meet my own needs.

I am sure I triggered the hell out of her with my neediness.  And I recreated the roles of my past with my mother.  I always had to be the one to support my mom.  It didn't matter if I wanted to see my dad. I couldn't because that would be betraying my mother.  I was there to take on her responsibilities for my younger sisters, the cooking, the cleaning etc.  all her roles as a parent because she was too stressed, weak, tired whatever to do so.

I recreated that role in my relationship with my ex especially.  I did everything for her.  I assumed that would make her happy and was what she wanted.  I suppose I thought I had to earn her love not for who I was but because of what I could do for her.

My mother often would withhold love if I didn't please her.

As did my ex.

In return for all of this I was left silently raging for my own needs not getting met.

And she was left feeling controlled and belittled.

But yet I was the one who would not allow myself to be vulnerable... .

This post probably makes little sense but I am grateful that u started this thread growing wings... . it has given me a lot to think about

thanks allmessedup for sharing your story. Reading each other stories is powerful   lets keep sharing them!

[nolisan]

It takes guts to realize and admit that we were not the "good" half of the r/s equation. We may not have had BPD but we have traits that pulled us in and kept us in.

I know we triggered each other - my need for closeness triggered her feeling of engulfment. When she pulled away that triggered my feeling of abandonment. A classic push pull. I saw this early on and googled it - what I found was that these p/p r/s's rarely worked but I thought naively our would.

The sad thing is that we both desired to love and be loved - it just wasn't a workable fit.