Delayed reaction

[KE151]

I met her a few times around Xmas about 10 months after the break up (very low LC) because I finally felt strong enough to meet her and maybe get closure. I actually felt good and calm in her presence, talking about the break up and the past. She told me I still make her heart beat faster and that she still cares about me and misses me. I thought I let her words in one ear and out the other, and thought that was finally it, I'm done and dusted with her, and on good terms. I felt like a real winner. In the first weeks that followed I was a happy camper.

But a couple of weeks ago my ruminating re-appeared with a vengeance, and the what ifs are as bad as ever. I'm rewinding her words back and forth. Wanting to contact her again, hear from her again. Even my T tells me to talk to her again to be sure about my feelings, so I'm very confused right now. I've been in this god awful place before, so I'm disappointed with myself.

As the old bpdfamily.com saying goes, attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom. I'm back in and it's my fault.

[Dolly rocker]

Im going through the exact same thing as you are.

Last year I felt so strong, and considered my pwBPD "history". Ever since I met him just after Xmas, I've became attached to him again. Then the whole cycle repeated itself, blissful couple of days, then the awful reality struck. He controlled, manipulated me, verbaly abused me, etc... .

So I had to leave for good. He tried contacting me a couple of times before he went on a business trip, but I've mantained NC. Now hes back in the country and hasnt contacted me since, which Im finding really bizarre. He was always stalking me and trying to get me to tal to him no matter what! 

But what we need to realise is that (unless they go to Therapy and treat themselves) they will never change, and they will never make us happy. Their words are beautiful, but their actions are so ugly. We are better than that. We are wise people with a good head on our shoulders.

These relationships were toxic and unhealthy.

True love doesn't offend you, doesn't abuse you and doesn't make you shed so many tears.

Let's not waste anymore of our precious time with those who don't deserve us.

[GreenMango]

Obviously you still have feelings for her.  That's okay.

Maybe your therapist is right.  When I got myself into this situation i figured it was a good idea to ask the hard questions when we did talk again.   Relying on the miss yous or let's try again really left me feeling uneasy.

If you do decide to talk talk to her again it may be helpful to ask hard things like:

How will things be different?

What have you learned since our breakup?

have you seen a therapist?  Are you seeing one now? 

Considering what was going on between us would you be willing to see a therapist together?

How do you feel about how you handled yourself with me?

Are you seeing anyone?  How long were you single?

Are you doing x, y, z (drugs, booze, unemployed)?

Serious questions because miss yous are easy.  My guess is if you ask these hard questions there's a real possibility you might get something to help defuse the runimations.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey KE151, Agree with Green Mango about the hard questions.  Suggest you also remind yourself of the negative experiences and events that led to the b/u, rather than idealizing your Ex and recalling only the positive aspects.  Any r/s is a mixed bag, so make sure you are looking at the whole picture, not just the pleasant stuff.  Go easy on yourself.  It's not your "fault" that you still have feelings, but maybe you need to sit with those feelings and just observe.  Lucky Jim