I Now Know Why Contact with her Hurts So Much

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I finally realized something a few days ago. I broke up with my uBPDgf in october after a 2 year relationship that saw 18 recycles. Each breakup lasted from a few days to a few weeks and then it was game on again. It was easy to start up because we work together. After that final breakup in October, she said some really insulting things to me about me always coming back to her etc. This time I promised myself to never go back. And I did not go back. She even contacted me a week after the final break saying she made a mistake and wanted me in her life. I refused and she raged. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 months.

This was the best thing that could have happened to me. I got my interests back. I got my friends back and I was able to see the relationship for what it was. It was the all too familiar relationship that u read about on the boards, splitting, gas lighting, playing victim, no logic whatsoever during fights, lying and cheating.

She did contact me to let me know that she needed that time apart to grow and she didn't want to drag me down with her. Keep in mind I broke up with her. I was still strong and I didn't give in. Over the past month she has contacted me several times. She says she still loves me and always will and that she misses me. I felt my strong resolve slowly wearing away. I did not go back to her but I would respond to her and I told her I love her. I don't want to ever go back to her but I didn't know why I was starting to feel depressed again. Then I figured it out.

I think I have been conditioned to believe that the relationship is never over. That we will recycle again. I had closure. I was finished with it and I was even content with thinking that she couldn't stand me. That would at least be normal. Someone breaks up with you and you are going to be angry with them. I was very happy last fall even though I did think of her.

I have to convince myself that this is just residual thinking from all the recyles. I need to believe that it is over. It's just this knee jerk reaction to think, oh I've been here before and this is what we do. Let's talk and then makeup. I can't be friends with her. She was a selfish and bad friend when we were together. Problem is , she is in full sedition mode again and showing me her very sweet waif side. I need to remember that it is over and I will never recycle. I basically have to deprogram my brain. Can anyone here relate to this?

[nyfit1]

I finally realized something a few days ago. I broke up with my uBPDgf in october after a 2 year relationship that saw 18 recycles. Each breakup lasted from a few days to a few weeks and then it was game on again. It was easy to start up because we work together. After that final breakup in October, she said some really insulting things to me about me always coming back to her etc. This time I promised myself to never go back. And I did not go back. She even contacted me a week after the final break saying she made a mistake and wanted me in her life. I refused and she raged. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 months.

This was the best thing that could have happened to me. I got my interests back. I got my friends back and I was able to see the relationship for what it was. It was the all too familiar relationship that u read about on the boards, splitting, gas lighting, playing victim, no logic whatsoever during fights, lying and cheating.

She did contact me to let me know that she needed that time apart to grow and she didn't want to drag me down with her. Keep in mind I broke up with her. I was still strong and I didn't give in. Over the past month she has contacted me several times. She says she still loves me and always will and that she misses me. I felt my strong resolve slowly wearing away. I did not go back to her but I would respond to her and I told her I love her. I don't want to ever go back to her but I didn't know why I was starting to feel depressed again. Then I figured it out.

I think I have been conditioned to believe that the relationship is never over. That we will recycle again. I had closure. I was finished with it and I was even content with thinking that she couldn't stand me. That would at least be normal. Someone breaks up with you and you are going to be angry with them. I was very happy last fall even though I did think of her.

I have to convince myself that this is just residual thinking from all the recyles. I need to believe that it is over. It's just this knee jerk reaction to think, oh I've been here before and this is what we do. Let's talk and then makeup. I can't be friends with her. She was a selfish and bad friend when we were together. Problem is , she is in full sedition mode again and showing me her very sweet waif side. I need to remember that it is over and I will never recycle. I basically have to deprogram my brain. Can anyone here relate to this?

[myself]

Yes, I relate. That is how I knew I was detaching, because I let myself let go. I knew I meant it this time. I couldn't continue doing it the way we were doing it. I always left the door open before, knowing we would eventually talk again. The cycle kept going. I thought that by breaking the pattern, it would wake us both up. We would see what was most important and act on on it. I was hoping we would do it together, but it had to begin with each of us on our own. I feel to contact her, but keep myself from doing so. I already know what happens if I do. The eggshells come back out. I see less of them ahead of me if I stay NC, so that's what I'm doing. Less pain is better. It's hard to stay away, because I'm still in love with her, but she didn't treat me or the r/s well. That lead to the trust between us being broken, and without that, it's not somewhere I should be. It's a process I'm still going through. Resetting/getting rid of my negative patterns, taking care of my own needs. Good for you to see and act on that, too.

[crazied_on]

You are so right. That is definitely an element of what makes detaching hard. As i have always said - the breakups seem to final and then before I know it I'm seduced back into her magical world. She is trying really hard with me right now. It's so hard because I do miss and love her when she has her mask on. But when it comes off its just too painful. That's for that perspective.

[DiamondSW]

crazied on's last few lines are spot on.

I still love my exBPDgf hugely, but I 'love' her with the mask on.  When it's off, I don't love or miss anythng about her... . and with me, after 10mths of push-pull blah blah blah, it was very much off... . painted black, au revoir.

She didn't even value me as a friend, even a human being.  I was pure crap to her  (and still am) 

[Tincup]

I can relate to all of this.  I think the door was always psychologically left open by me.  I would talk the talk, but not walk the walk.  I said I wanted no contact, but craved the contact.  I too dearly love the woman with the mask on, but the mask cannot stay on.  I just never truly get the feeling that it is over, and that HAS to stop.  Withdrawal hurts no doubt about it, but it is better than the addiction.  Never in a million years did my introverted self think I would become addicted to someone.  There needs to be a 12 step program... hello my name is tincup... .