Multiple affairs - how did you find out?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Did your pwBPD have ongoing affairs throughout your r/s?  I am reading about a lot of people who discovered after their r/s ended that their pwBPD had many affairs during the r/s that they were not aware of at the time.  I am wondering how you guys discovered such information - did they tell you in a rage, did you learn from family/friends, etc?

I lived what I now understand to be common BPD behavior of being constantly accused of cheating, despite the fact that I never cheated.  My stbxBPDh has cheated on me twice - one I forgave and we reestablished our r/s and one ended our r/s.  Still post-separation he is telling me he knows the truth will come out after our divorce is final about all my cheating. And he told me he knows that I am a dishonest and deceitful person because I lived such a lie all these years while cheating on him.  

I know that this is how he justifies his current cheating r/s, but I am afraid that he also used this nonsense to justify past cheating that I might not even know about. I am trying to figure out how this information came to light in everyone else's r/s.

[16YearBetrayal]

Did your pwBPD have ongoing affairs throughout your r/s?  I am reading about a lot of people who discovered after their r/s ended that their pwBPD had many affairs during the r/s that they were not aware of at the time.  I am wondering how you guys discovered such information - did they tell you in a rage, did you learn from family/friends, etc?

I lived what I now understand to be common BPD behavior of being constantly accused of cheating, despite the fact that I never cheated.  My stbxBPDh has cheated on me twice - one I forgave and we reestablished our r/s and one ended our r/s.  Still post-separation he is telling me he knows the truth will come out after our divorce is final about all my cheating. And he told me he knows that I am a dishonest and deceitful person because I lived such a lie all these years while cheating on him.  

I know that this is how he justifies his current cheating r/s, but I am afraid that he also used this nonsense to justify past cheating that I might not even know about. I am trying to figure out how this information came to light in everyone else's r/s.

[Dolly rocker]

I'm not entirely sure about mine, but since we broke up he seems to be online on whatsapp 24/7.

:-S

[Waifed]

I went on her email account because I suspected something was up. Jackpot. Don't know if it was a one time deal or if she dropped her pants for anyone who paid attention to her. Puke... .

[questioncentral]

Hi 16yearbetrayal

My ux(BPD?)H had an ongoing affair when we were first together, then several more that I suspected. throughout the marriage. I was told I was crazy and insecure for "accusing" him. Lots of fights, always me ending up crying and devastated.

After I left him, 4 yrs ago, his ex gf came to me, told me yes they'd had an affair early on while he was with me. He kept calling her, asking her to come see him and spend the weekend; only to create drama with her once she got there, in my name.

Also after I left him, out of the blue, I was contacted by a woman he'd been having an ongoing affair with for 12 yrs, while we were married. I had no clue about that one, I just knew he was always at his one friend's house and I was never allowed there. Anyway, when she contacted me, she said he'd been telling her for yrs that he wanted to leave me but I'd make his life hell if he tried to. (Lies really). But then as soon as I left him he broke it off with her saying he was too devastated by me leaving to be with anyone. So she came to me wanting the truth.

A few of his other flings also told me after I left him.

We're all friends now - he does not know this and we will not tell him because he will play games with us. Women all burned by the same guy, who all dealt with the same litany of lies, deception and bs.

He's had one gf in 4 yrs. The girl is one of my oldest friends, and I was happy for them. She's a wonderful girl and I hoped he'd find happiness. I stayed away from their town and didn't call to talk to the kids or go see the kids, to give him and her space to get it together. She broke it off after 8 wks because he kept using me to create drama and she knew he was lying. He was telling her I was stalking him (telepathically apparently) and still trying to get him back etc. I wasn't - I purposely stayed away so he couldn't say that. I only go to town to see the 2 kids that live with him - not him. he's been blocked from my fb for over 3 yrs now - I only knew they'd hooked up because my sd (who is n/c unless she wants to cause drama) texted me the information, to which I did not even respond. Point is - he was laying the same crap on this girl that he layed on me when we first hooked up.

I'm happily divorced from him and even more happily moved on with my bf for 3 yrs now.

I don't know how you'll find out for certain about your exH. I didn't go looking for the information - it came to me when I wasn't looking for it and I didn't care anymore. His cheating was never mentioned in the divorce, even though by then I knew about it I just didn't think it was important enough to bring up; however, he has wasted a lot of $ trying to prove his theory that I cheated throughout our whole r/ship, which I did not.

Best of luck to you.

[love4meNOTu]

It's so very painful when they accuse you of cheating. To me, it is one of the greatest hurts imaginable, and nothing that I would ever do to my husband.

Regardless, I too, was accused of infidelity. I can tell you that from the day I met my husband I never even glanced at another man. I was completely in love with him.

I don't think my ex husband ever understood that when he accused me of such things, it was the ultimate insult to me and my character. At the end he was calling our friends and telling them that "she's up to something, I don't know what it is, but she's up to something". All I can do at this point is shrug my shoulders. I can't argue with crazy / paranoia.

At the end, I received an anonymous email at work accusing my husband of cheating, and flirting with women at his place of work. To this day, I do not know who sent that email or if it was true. Because my ex husband was with another woman as soon as he moved out, I would assume that yes, he was having an affair. It doesn't matter now if it was true or not. He has hurt me in so many ways, that this is just another way to twist the knife in my back.

It was always such drama. Honestly, if he did cheat, he probably did me a favor. She did as well. I wouldn't want to be married to a man who could do such a thing, she can have him.

I don't have to have negative feelings towards a person who is so disordered. It's not necessary. I am glad that I got out in one piece, I have two wonderful boys and I have a lot to look forward to in this life. As a poster here says, this relationship is not the period at the end of my life sentence.

blessings,

L

[winston72]

Hey 16,

At the risk of playing junior psychiatrist, it sounds like your husband might be projecting his own guilt and fear onto you.

Still post-separation he is telling me he knows the truth will come out after our divorce is final about all my cheating. And he told me he knows that I am a dishonest and deceitful person because I lived such a lie all these years while cheating on him.

Doesn't this describe his own behavior and his risk from future disclosure?  It certainly does not describe you nor does he have any evidence it might.

I heard many accusations and fears from my ex over the course of our relationship.  I took them to heart as though they were about me.  I wondered what I had done to engender such negative responses from her.  A year after the break up I leaned that she was doing many/most/all of those things.  It made more sense, particularly after reading about projection from the literature on BPD.

In my case, certain facts crept out over time; my gut told me there was more; when I was not able to resolve my questions and they became an impediment to my moving on, I asked her.  It was awkward at first, but then it was fine.  It took place via a polite and direct email exchange.  She had some fear that I would ask others for an explanation if she did not answer me.  The fear of disclosure was enough of a motive for her to come clean.  It was worse than I had expected... . but I am very glad that I found out.  As I have said before, in order to face the facts, one has to have the facts!

[16YearBetrayal]

Winston72,

Yes, I am afraid he is projecting now and has been projecting for a long time.  I am also afraid he is going around telling people that I have done these terrible things that are just not true.  I don't know why, but this really makes me sad.

[Tausk]

Winston72,

Yes, I am afraid he is projecting now and has been projecting for a long time.  I am also afraid he is going around telling people that I have done these terrible things that are just not true.  I don't know why, but this really makes me sad.

'

It is very sad and confusing.  My ex projected her jealousy and cheating on to me, but in the end it was her.  But she justifies it.  Believing to the very end that it was me who forced her to do what she did.  And in her mind she is telling the truth.  

Just because it's a total lie, doesn't mean that she doesn't believe it.  I witnessed my ex in the end remembering incidents totally incorrectly and simply not having the capacity to turn them around in her head.  It's been said that memories of childhood rape can be induced and subsequently become factual in a person as a vividly recalled experience.   In the end, I wasn't sure what parts of her stories were real or lies.  And I never was able to get to the truth.  I've learned since that it simply was survival techniques.

It's the Disorder.  They don't have the ability to take responsibility.  They don't have guilt, only shame.  They don't have a sense of self.  The Disorder is both abandonment and engulfment fears simultaneously.

So the only resolution is confabulation, projection, delusion, and run of the mill general insanity.

So, try not to obsess too much about what actually happened. It's very likely that you'll never know.  It's like trying to figure out if a tree that fell in the deep dark woods of their minds actually made a sound.



hehehehe... . I just made that up and kinda like it 

And as far as the smear campaign, welcome to the club.  It's pretty standard practice.  It seems malicious, and it is to an extent, but it's because they have to justify in their actions in their minds, and they have to paint you deep black.  Remember, a pwBPD can't think in mixtures... . only evil or good.  And now you are evil.  You have to be evil.  Why else would he have left you.  

It's a Disorder.  

So the general rule is ride out the smear campaign in silence.  You're not running for public office.  Your real friends will figure it out.  

Hang in there.  If it helps, nothing you've written here is different or surprising.  

[letmeout]

My ex projected every affair he had onto me. In the end he accused me of having an affair with his best friend, and ruined his (now ex-best-friend's) reputation. His friend and I never had any interest in each other, but my ex managed to convince everyone that we did with his continuous accusations. I swear he always managed to believe  his own lies. 

During our divorce he told the lawyers, mediator and the judge that I was a whore and had countless lovers, thank goodness I don't look that part at all, so no one believed him.  He also claimed that I physically abusive and never worked a day in my life. Everything he said was false, and to be accused by his lunacy was crazy! I am so glad he is out of my life. Now, how to learn to trust men again... .

[MrFox]

Found out about one when she moved in with a guy a week after breaking up with me and I refused a recycle.  They married 3 1/2 months later.  Found out about one when one of her "friends" sold her out in a pathetic attempt to get in the pants of the female member of the band I play in.  My female friend despises my ex and this guy told my friend a bunch of dirt on my ex.  One of those things being that they slept together several times while my ex and I were together.  Usually when I was out of town and she needed soothing.  Third one I found out when a guy who lives in the same building as she did told me he had seen her going at it with another man in the hall about 2 weeks before we broke up.  Right around the time another "friend" was in town for the weekend.

Found out all of this after the relationship ended.

[toomanytears]

Hi 16yearbetrayal, winston, questioncentral et al.

Thanks so much for your posts. This is why I love this board. There is always a post - usually followed by many responses - that resonates perfectly with how one is feeling or the particular nightmare one is going through with one's borderline partner.

Now your posts have come along just as the penny is beginning to drop that the reason my BPDh left was that he's has been having an affair.

Since he walked out in August he insisted that I 'threw him out of the house'. Angry accusing texts, emails, meetings, phone calls. All along the lines that it was all my fault. The shopping list of my misdemenours was so long I was overwhelmed and knew I'd never be able to defend myself or repair the damage. I've been racked with guilt about how it all ended.

Over our 31 years I've had to defend myself many times against his accusations that I'd had an affair. Some were downright preposterous: on one occasion I supposedly had a fling a week before we got married; another time, when I was six months pregnant.

Fast forward after many rocky years and accusations to last August. After a failed attempt to make love, he blurted out that he no longer loved me, that it was all my fault that the relationship had gone wrong and that he wanted a new start.

I reluctantly agreed that we should go our separate ways because I realised that he had no feelings left for me. He then began waxing lyrical about buying a little cottage in the country. We had a blazing row lasting several days and I asked him to leave. Off he went with alot of noise and protestations that I threw him out 'onto the street'.

Talk about gaslighting! It left me so confused and bemused. Perhaps I had been a bit hasty? Had we moved on too fast? I asked him to come home so we could work things out - he point blank refused 'to be put in that humiliating position ever again'.

He agreed we should go though couples therapy - only once we'd sold out house! He wanted me to put it on the market as soon as possible so he can take his share of the money and run off into the sunset in his little cottage. All this without going through the tedious process of divorce. Apparently lawyers are too expensive. Surprise, surprise.

Finally, this weekend, sixth months down the line, the realisation - he was the one having the affairs! How on earth did I not see it? I've supported him through thick and thin, invested alot of my time in our family unit, taken a full time job because he insisted on it, brought up our two wonderful children while he flitted around the world... . no doubt with the occasional fling en route.

At least it all makes sense now and I don't have to feel responsible for how he's feeling. I know I shouldn't anyway - but hey that's how we caretakers are.

If it wasn't so patheic it would be hilarious. I think I should change my name to 'too many laughs'.

This site is the best tonic. Thank you for your patience fellow boarders.

[mywifecrazy]

Was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs. Found her in bed my my neighbor family friend on Fathers Day 2013. My FOG was FINALLY lifted. Found out during and after divorce that she was never faithful. Cheated on me before we were married, before we had kids and all the way through our marriage. She even made a pass at my brother. She would screw guys at her work office, at home while I was at work, when I was coaching my kids at Youth sports (she always had excuses for not going). At first finding out all of these betrayals I was very hurt. Not that I've been through some healing I see her as a very PATHETIC and sick person. Why in Gods name was I upset and hurt. THANK YOU LORD FOR REVEALING THE TRUTH ABOUT HER AND SETTING ME FREE TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN PERSUIT OF TRUE HAPPINESS!

[Turkish]

I lived what I now understand to be common BPD behavior of being constantly accused of cheating, despite the fact that I never cheated.  

Yes it seems to be. And a major  to me for any future r/s.

One of my friends suspected this last summer when she was constantly posting selfies of herself, talking about working out. Still, it hit me out of left field, especially since her family was devasted about a year ago when they found out their father had (another) kept woman. It was a huge deal, with talk of moving her mom and smallest brother in with us.

I suspected something. Picked up her phone, saw a mugshot of the guy (oh, these empty people and their lack of object constancy, always with the selfies), and I read, "I miss kissing your face... . " I didn't need to read more. A few weeks later, tried to work it out. She was still in constant contact with the guy, even if she physically stopped seeing him. At that point, when I caught her pathologically lying to me, I "technically" said, "then it's done!" But it was already done. It was done when it started. In her words, "everybody cheats, everybody leaves." No honey, that's YOU!

[mywifecrazy]

One of my friends suspected this last summer when she was constantly posting selfies of herself, talking about working out. Still, it hit me out of left field,  A few weeks later, tried to work it out. She was still in constant contact with the guy, even if she physically stopped seeing him. At that point, when I caught her pathologically lying to me, I "technically" said, "then it's done!" But it was already done. It was done when it started.

Wow is this eerily familiar. My uBPDxw started crash dieting, all FB pictures were of herself PRIMPING like she was advertising herself. Oh yeah she all of the sudden joined a gym. Found out some Fat Cop she was chasing supposedly went there.  Tried to forgive and work it out but she was lying in counseling. Yes mine was pathologically lying during so called reconciliation as well. You a so correct when you say: "the relationship was done when it started".

On a bright note my divorce decree was just signed by the judge today.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, IM FREE AT LAST!

I'm going to have to change my name to: myXwifecrazy :-)

[letmeout]

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, IM FREE AT LAST!

I love that quote!

[monkeyman]

I don't know if mine did.  It's pretty hard to tell.

I think trying to figure it out would drive me crazy.

I'm getting an STD check in a week.  I hope NC continues indefinitely.