She broke n/c

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, it was going to happen sooner or later living on the same street.  I was walking my dog on the street away from her house and she walked across the street to talk to me.  She asked me if I'd give her back a painting she had done for me last year of my house.  I said fine, it is in a closet.  She wanted to follow me to my house and I said I had to run and would find a way to drop it off.  I absolutely didn't want any extended discussions with her or have her in my house. She asked me how I was and I just kept it really short and walked away.  I just don't like or need any interaction with her and I don't trust opening the door even a tiny crack.

Gonna hit the gym and think about something else... .

[Madison66]

Well, it was going to happen sooner or later living on the same street.  I was walking my dog on the street away from her house and she walked across the street to talk to me.  She asked me if I'd give her back a painting she had done for me last year of my house.  I said fine, it is in a closet.  She wanted to follow me to my house and I said I had to run and would find a way to drop it off.  I absolutely didn't want any extended discussions with her or have her in my house. She asked me how I was and I just kept it really short and walked away.  I just don't like or need any interaction with her and I don't trust opening the door even a tiny crack.

Gonna hit the gym and think about something else... .

[Tausk]

You're on the same street. Bound to happen as you said.  

But it doesn't make it easy.  Process in the doses that you can.  It's going to be a trigger.  In fact, if you weren't triggered, than I'd be worried about you.   The contact can be a blessing in that you will process and move forward.   

Watch the emotions.  Watch the temper.  Feel them as best as you can, so that you don't necessarily have to shove all the feelings down inside.

Watch the booze.  In fact, no booze is best here.  Vent on the board.

Get angry at the gym and burn off the steam.

Have compassion for her.  She's very scared.  In fact, you may not be able to see it, but she's terrified.  She's living the ground hog day of a nightmare that started with the abuse when she was a toddler.  And there's no way out for her.

So what ever you feel is just that feelings. Be careful of the response to the triggers.  Be safe. Do no harm.  Try and process in a productive manner.

Maybe think about delivering the painting and any other stuff in one trip so that you don't have to go through this over every oven mitt, lint brush, frying pan... . that she's left at your place.  I still find stuff of my ex in various parts of the house   

It hurts.  The first time I saw my ex after the break up, still send shivers down my body.  But it will get better.  

[love4meNOTu]

ugh Madison... I'm sorry.

I don't have to worry about running into my ex, I don't think he lives anywhere near me. I haven't exactly tried to fnd out either.

But you live on the same street, so I assume you knew it would happen eventually. I don't know how I would handle it, except to know that all is as it should be. If you were meant to be with this woman, you would be. And you're not.

So it is what it is. Two people who used to be in a relationship who aren't any longer, who happen to live on the same street. One with a mental disorder, and one without.

Somehow I think I know who is going to learn, heal and move on.

It's you.

[LettingGo14]

Madison,

Give yourself lots of credit for handling it like you did.   I'm very impressed, and appreciate your sharing here.

[Madison66]

Well, I cashed in some karma points tonight.  I handled the run-in well, but then enacted a little emotional payback on the painting.  I'll clarify, the painting is fine but on the way to my car I dropped it several times and even tripped on it.  Wow!  How could I be so clumsy?  The frame and the glass are pretty well f'd, but again I spared the painting.  I left a note saying "sorry for the scratches!"  Yeah, I still have a little anger in me over how she f'd with me at the end and damaged my property ($300 damage to my security door).  I had a quick call with my T and she had to put the phone down laughing and said CONGRATULATIONS and it's good you have that out of your system now.

The story behind the painting is really weird.  I bought my house with the intention of the two families coming together, but her behavior got so bad during the last six months there was no way that was going to happen.  So, she painted a picture of my house and titled it "our home".  Now her painting class is having a little cafe art showing and she wanted to show it.  We've been broken up for about 75 days.  It just shows that all the dots are not connected for her emotionally.  It's just weird!

[Tausk]

hehehehehe... . oops.

Someday, you might feel bad about being "clumsy" with the painting... . nah.

But maybe leave it to that?

Congrats on delivering it, and even more so on calling your T.  You are definitely walkin the talk!

[Madison66]

Thanks for the kind words!  I feel ok right now... .

[Madison66]

My T cautioned me that this may just be the beginning of a long line of stupid sh!t that my ex will pull to keep me in the picture.  She also said her attachment and detachment issues are pretty scary and I need to go back to giving the "big black hole" no contact and no response.

[Tausk]

My T cautioned me that this may just be the beginning of a long line of stupid sh!t that my ex will pull to keep me in the picture.  She also said her attachment and detachment issues are pretty scary and I need to go back to giving the "big black hole" no contact and no response.

Yes, this is going to be the case.  Are you sure you're done with her?  (In rehab programs, it's a standard question, are you done shooting heroin? smoking meth? drinking?... . )  Are you done with the insanity?  

If you're done, figure out ways to keep your boundaries, and anticipate violations.  PwBPD are like water flowing down hill.  They will breach any fissure in your defenses.  So put up your boundaries as solid as possible, but also detach and depersonalize.  No emotional responses directly to her when she inevitably engages.   Just insufferable blase.  

[Madison66]

Yes, I'm so done with her and all the insanity.  No question!  I hear you on the "no emotional response" and figuring ways to keep up my boundaries.  I did my thing today and will not give a response in the future.  I'm hoping she moves at the end of her lease in late April.  That would help make my life on this block a little easier... .

[babyducks]

Madison,

Good job.

I see my EX fairly frequently.  She has made a point to turn up in public places where I am sure to be.   Its borderline (no pun intended) stalking behavior.

Some days I do better than others with seeing her.   If I have a large stress load going on than I struggle with seeing her.   I haven't always acted as indifferent as I hoped to come across.   

Its a process.   And it has gotten better for me.   I have a surprising depth of feeling when it comes to her.   I can make a very special effort to only share those feelings in appropriate places, here and in my T's office.  When I see her I try for Civil but Disinterested.

babyducks

[Aussie0zborn]

Congratulations, you handled it well. I'm not sure about your clumsiness but you have your reasons. I would have scratched out the part that says "Our House" to read "Bob's House" (assuming your name is Bob, ofcourse).

Keep it up.

[Madison66]

Congratulations, you handled it well. I'm not sure about your clumsiness but you have your reasons. I would have scratched out the part that says "Our House" to read "Bob's House" (assuming your name is Bob, ofcourse).

Keep it up.

Damn!  Didn't think of that one!