I fell in love with a dream... an idea

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I did it.  I filed the paperwork for our divorce today and am waiting for my attorney to prepare the papers so I can sign them.  (Sigh)  That's right.  I'm cutting my losses now because my BPD husband is still completely unaccountable for his abusive actions and showing no signs of change.  I would continue to wait and try and help him, but I believe he has actually gotten worse with time and I can no longer tolerate the way he treats me.  My husband actually wants the divorce now because he believes he can never change and doesn't want to keep getting put back in jail for his repeated assaults (against me) and breaking of his probation. Next week he will be served the divorce papers... .  He actually told me that there are plenty of women out there that won't call the police on him.  

When we started dating I should have noticed that he gave up very easily on things in his life; college, hobbies, even his last marriage and child.  I chose to believe him when he said forever, because I WANTED it to be so--not because he exuded forever-staying qualities.

Anyhow, I fell in love with an idea more than an actual man.  

I am no longer so depressed about it, because I now know it was more or less a kind of dream and nothing real.  I wasn't in love with him; I was in love with MY version of him--which doesn't exist!  My version of him is stronger, more tenacious, chivalric, self-sacrificing, selfless, and ever-enduring.  My husband is not these things.

I am nowhere ready to begin dating yet, but I do hope I someday meet the man I THOUGHT I fell in love with.  THAT person would be a really great catch for me, and I bet you he is out there somewhere, live in the flesh, racing a gyspy horse through dessert hills, making love to a Les Paul Guitar, or rebuilding a vintage gangster car.  He'll show up sometime and I will know it by the quality of his life, his friendships, his relationship with his children, his reverence and humility to God, his efforts in his work, and his continuous respect for me and my boundaries.  

[beachtalks]

I did it.  I filed the paperwork for our divorce today and am waiting for my attorney to prepare the papers so I can sign them.  (Sigh)  That's right.  I'm cutting my losses now because my BPD husband is still completely unaccountable for his abusive actions and showing no signs of change.  I would continue to wait and try and help him, but I believe he has actually gotten worse with time and I can no longer tolerate the way he treats me.  My husband actually wants the divorce now because he believes he can never change and doesn't want to keep getting put back in jail for his repeated assaults (against me) and breaking of his probation. Next week he will be served the divorce papers... .  He actually told me that there are plenty of women out there that won't call the police on him.  

When we started dating I should have noticed that he gave up very easily on things in his life; college, hobbies, even his last marriage and child.  I chose to believe him when he said forever, because I WANTED it to be so--not because he exuded forever-staying qualities.

Anyhow, I fell in love with an idea more than an actual man.  

I am no longer so depressed about it, because I now know it was more or less a kind of dream and nothing real.  I wasn't in love with him; I was in love with MY version of him--which doesn't exist!  My version of him is stronger, more tenacious, chivalric, self-sacrificing, selfless, and ever-enduring.  My husband is not these things.

I am nowhere ready to begin dating yet, but I do hope I someday meet the man I THOUGHT I fell in love with.  THAT person would be a really great catch for me, and I bet you he is out there somewhere, live in the flesh, racing a gyspy horse through dessert hills, making love to a Les Paul Guitar, or rebuilding a vintage gangster car.  He'll show up sometime and I will know it by the quality of his life, his friendships, his relationship with his children, his reverence and humility to God, his efforts in his work, and his continuous respect for me and my boundaries.  

[Stjarna]

Wow, thank you for sharing those thoughts.  That is a very mature and powerful way to look at things.  I had thought all along that I was grieving the illusion, really, and not what our real relationship was, but you put it into words so succinctly, just wow. 

How wonderful that you are moving on, to be free to pursue that really great catch!

[almosthadme]

Beachtalk,thank you for sharing.I feel like I turned the corner when I not only realized she never loved me but I was in love with a woman that did not exist.It's very powerful stuff if you take the TIME to let it soak in.I wish you the best of luck.

[designgrl]

Thank you for your post!  I am in the process of working out a divorce agreement with my H.

I too, fell in love with an illusion of a life he told me we were going to live together.  Letting go of that dream is what I've been working through these last few months.  He was not who he said he was, his promises were lies.  I have faith that I too will move on to something better in my life.

I look forward to being were you are in your healing journey.

[questioncentral]

I look forward to being were you are in your healing journey.

designgrl - you will get to that place 

There was a time when I didn't think I'd get there, but I did. It was the day I woke up in my own bed, in my own place, with my own thoughts about what I'd do that day and every day of the future without him in it (or at least minimally). It wasn't perfect, it was a struggle; but it was imperfection without him there to criticise it and it was a struggle worth going through.

I mourned the loss of the dream and I saw through the illusion long before I left. I spent the last yr with him watching for the changes and the empty promises and the illusions of who he thought he was. So by the time I left I already knew there was no hope of it ever being real.

It's when you know you're making your own choices without factoring in his opinions, thoughts, feelings, judgments or how it will impact him. It's when you look in the mirror and know you're a person in and of yourself, and not merely an extension of his accomplishments, delusions, demands and insecure accusations. It's when you can look forward to your life and see the results of what you've accomplished and feel glad you accomplished them.

You'll get there because time does heal and every day you get stronger in your belief of who you are, more confident in yourself. The longer you are away from the person who takes away your self-belief and self-confidence, your self period - the more the fog clears - the better it will get.

[Tausk]

I'm sorry for your divorce in that it represent grieving the loss of a dream.   I'm not sorry that you, I'm hoping, will stop getting beat up anymore.

I was not physically beat up, but I allowed so much abusive behavior into my life, such as cheating, because I was lost in the FOG and didn't know that I deserved better.  But today, I'm so much more than I could have believed before the split.

But it was a dream, a fantasy.  It never had a chance.  It was just the temporary interaction between the mirror of a selfless Disordered abandoned child and the false self of a confused lonely child.   It never had a chance.  It never had any real substance.  It was like trying to hug the image in the mirror.

But grieving takes time.  And there's self work involved.  But it has been worth it for me.  I hope you find it worth it for you.  Are you seeing a Therapist.  One helped me a great deal.

In support,

keep us up to date and posting.

And Congrats as well.  IMHO, You made the right choice. 

[GreenMango]

Beach talks

I am sorry to hear it's come to this.  I'm also a little relieved for you because of this statement

He actually told me that there are plenty of women out there that won't call the police on him.

Wow.  Unfortunately this is true ... . There are women who will allow him to abuse them.  It's just not you and that's a good thing.

If you find yourself in those sad moments and wonder if you made the right decision please remember his words and actions.  Let the alignment of his words and actions dispell the fantasy and guide you safely away to better path.

Best Wishes to you.

[love4meNOTu]

He actually told me that there are plenty of women out there that won't call the police on him.

I had to sit down for a moment and think about what you said here. I know that there are women who will not call their partners out on their abuse... but my gosh... he actually admitted that is what he wants. Someone to abuse.

What kind of man can admit that about themselves, to themselves and not see that is wrong. ISMH.

My ex-husband was the same. There are times when I wish I could have changed things, but he refused to look at his part in the abuse. Not once did he say to me that he was sorry for scaring me and abusing me. Not once.

Now he accuses me of abusing him.

It's so very twisted. And the worst part is, I think he actually believes what he is telling himself. That is the ultimate in twisted thinking.

I'm glad you are out of the fantasy land now. I too, had to accept that this man I knew for two years, and had been married to for a year and a half was disordered. And that yes, part of it was my fault, because I just could not understand his behavior. I never understood it.

To me it was just illogical. Too many times where I had to justify and defend myself... . "No, I am not flirting with the waiter. No, I'm not flirting with my male coworkers. No, there aren't any men at the Mary Kary pary... no no no no... "

Everything he did came from a place of fear, even the angry outbursts.

It's too bad, because he was wonderful at times. But you can't ignore the anger. It's not how I want to live.

I'm happy for you that you have accepted that you cannot change your husband, God knows I tried, and it nearly killed me.

blessings,

L

[designgrl]

Thank you for that response questioncentral