First foray to consider staying;Green Mango sent me here. Am I fool to want to?

[gary seven]

Hi L5 group.

I posted a story on L3 about a fiasco with my BPD spouse when we tried to have a nice lunch at Costco food court.  It quickly blew up when her agenda about everything wrong in our situation, and then it got louder, and continued out in the parking lot. 

I got some insight from Green Mango, which you can read below


Quote from: GreenMango on February 21, 2014, 02:04:14 PM

It sounds like you have to willfully detach and practice the staying boards to keep the extreme conflict down.

If i can ask how when you joined here did you know you were leaving or did you start on the staying board and working with some of those techniques?


GM:

Sorry for the long delay in response, but the weekends get sucked up in her needing me beyond what I can control.

I will peer at the staying boards to gather more insight; hadn't looked at that, thanks.

to answer your question, when she was first institutionalized last summer (the first place she was thrown out after two weeks of q 4 week program; the second place she didn't last 4 days of a 4 weeks program), I went to a local NAMI meeting for families.  I never have done anything like that before.  They were nice people and tried to help, but the most of them were dealing with their children with issues; I was the only one dealing with  a spouse and trying to protect my children.  I was panicked.

When my wife landed in our hometown I made her move to a hotel as she did an intensive outpatient dbt class.  She wanted me to go to the family part, but I was so angry I thought it would be useless and I resented her and her illness for what I feel is ruining my kids: to heck with me, I don't care about myself but I think my kids deserve a chance at normalcy.

I eventually enrolled in the family section at her place, and lasted about 6 weeks.  She became restive and gained weight" because of those doctors and those pills," so we had to quit. 

I don't get very much free time to myself other than work and sleep, and I try to look at articles here on the website.    I just signed up for family connections by teleconference from the NEABPD website , and will await their invitation.

I get some of the stuff, and I try to use some techniques, but she is faster and craftier and meaner than me.  It's so darn exhausting either way I look at it.

---------------------------

SO:

As of today, 2/25, things are still tentative.  She has a meeting with her P today because meds N+1 are making her fat and cry.

I have the kids in therapy, I am broke due to her two instituionalizations last summer that she bugged out of, I got a salary cut at work, and will be relocated

to another office shortly due to "Stewardship."

We tried marriage counseling, the "best" in town, and all it did was break me financially.  I now have  had us meet with our spiritual leader (a Rabbi) on a monthly basis because I have always found the clergy to be family-centric.  I have three small school aged kids I worry to death about because of her illness.

Any Thoughts

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

It sounds like you have to willfully detach and practice the staying boards to keep the extreme conflict down.

Welcome! 

First of all, no you are not a fool for wanting to stay. We all have our reasons here on this board and they are all valid. I do so for the children. She is much more stable with me around and we make a pretty good parental team.

What GreenMango said above is crucial and a lifesaver. I used to be in a state of constant anxiety and panic about what was going to happen to the relationship and when the next rage would come. I just could not take the stress anymore and I have made great strides improving my situation. For me detachment has been about letting go of the anxiety by distancing myself emotionally from my gf. I still care for her, but I no longer worry about every little detail. It's about letting go of what you can't control (her) and taking control of what you can (you). It's also about accepting reality and what may never be. I have also accepted that I may lose her and the children if she crosses a major boundary or replaces me. I use the tools to reduce conflict and setting boundaries has helped a lot. I still need to work on taking better care of myself. The road out of codependency and enmeshment is a long one, but I feel good about the progress I have made.

Stick around here for awhile and start working on detaching and taking better care of yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of financial and life stress right now. What can you do for you today to make yourself feel better?

[gary seven]

What can you do for you today to make yourself feel better?[/quote]
Dear LINE:

That's my problem.  I feel so overwhelmed that making myself feel better would be a nice thing to do for myself without being caught up in the drama the BPD.

All I can think of, is right now I am going to have a cup of coffee and a half a chocolate chip cookie in the office breakroom.

Is this what it's about?

I mentioned a book called the high conflict couple, but I think that was a mistake to tell her about it.  I don't have a lot of money, and our local library does not carry it.

Most of the time I cry about the mess and the situation.  I don't think that is any kind of a feel better mode.  I read article I and saw video I for this board.

So I'm off for the coffee and cookie.  Thanks. 

[Grey Kitty]

Coffee and a cookie sounds like a good start Think I'll do it myself.

Since you are new to the "Staying" board, here's a bit of background--posting here doesn't mean you are committed to stay together forever... . or for any length of time.

The commitment is to try to make our r/s work better by doing what we can. Many found a great deal of help here, even though they did decide to end their r/s.

As LINE said, we end up working on ourselves more than our partner here.

How can you take care of yourself?

Do you have friends or family you can spend time with? (and not dealing with a BPD r/s)

Activities or exercise that you like?

In any case, welcome to Staying!

 GK

[gary seven]

As LINE said, we end up working on ourselves more than our partner here.

How can you take care of yourself?

Do you have friends or family you can spend time with? (and not dealing with a BPD r/s)

Activities or exercise that you like?

In any case, welcome to Staying!

 GK

Thx GK.

It's hard when I have to be Dad, Mom and Grandparents to three elementary aged kids.  Dealing with her is a full time job.  She said she didn't sleep at all last night, so her I go getting the kids up and ready for school while she is face down in the bed complaining about how medication N+ 1 and psychiatrist n+1 aren't helping here even though she just saw the P yesterday.

I acknowledged her upsettedness, tried to keep the bedroom dark and keep the cats out of it and told her to sleep a few hours then get up.  I got the kids fed and dressed and was about 15 min late to work.  That is a usual day in my house.

My time is at work, and then a little time here. on the boards.

I will try and read article II today in L5.


I may try and book a dinner with one of my friends for next week. 

I try and do yoga once a week, but her demands and hours and hours of guilting me about not being around are often too much for me to handle.

It's a slow road for me.

[Love Is Not Enough]

All I can think of, is right now I am going to have a cup of coffee and a half a chocolate chip cookie in the office breakroom.

Is this what it's about?

I mentioned a book called the high conflict couple, but I think that was a mistake to tell her about it.  I don't have a lot of money, and our local library does not carry it.

That sounds like a great idea! Anything you can do to make yourself feel better is great. Just try your best to keep it healthy. I like to drink too much sometimes when I do have a chance to be social. Dinner with friend is also good.

It sounds like your wife is low functioning and that has to be really difficult to deal with while taking care of three kids. I only have two so I feel for ya!

The book you mentioned is about couples, and from your experience with MC you can probably gather that it may not be very helpful right now. You might try reading Stop Walking on Eggshells (I bet the library has that one) or Loving a Borderline. You might also look at some books on codependency. Most importantly, keep coming here! Focus on yourself first and do your best to improve your current situation so that you are not so stressed out all the time.

Focusing on detaching and setting a firm boundary about abuse helped me the most from the get go. Use the tools and if she is being "crafty" then disengage and take a time out. Do not take her abuse. It will be hard at first, but you should see improvement once she realizes you won't "play" and she no longer is getting anything out of it. I took back control of my relationship this way and it is so much better.

It's a long road, but start small and hold your ground. It can get better. Do NOT lose hope. We are here for you 

[Grey Kitty]

You sure do have a lot on your plate. My heart goes out to you. 

I try and do yoga once a week, but her demands and hours and hours of guilting me about not being around are often too much for me to handle.

My favorite phrase is one from the airplane safety lecture. Always put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.

She won't understand... . but if you are worn down, you cannot effectively support her. This is something you have to do on your own, and she can be expected to fight you on it. Sigh.

It's a slow road for me.

As it was for all of us here.