How Do You Deal With The Anger?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a year and eight months. Every time I see that someone who's a mutual friend has interacted positively with her, especially when my ex is doing her fake peace, light and love thing - which is an act, I know the cold, horrible monster inside her far too well - I get so angry that I feel like my blood is on fire. I've done the best I can, no contact, blocked her form everything online, hidden profiles so that when she talks to my friends online I only see them responding to her. But she still pops up and it's sometimes clear from the content she is trying to seduce new friends with some sort of fake wise-woman thing. It just happened and I'm so angry I'm burning. I utterly, thoroughly hate her for what she did to my life. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't know how to make it stop. No amount of self talk seems to help. I don't want to become an angry, hateful person and I feel like I have. Has anyone here gotten through this?

[FindPeace]

It's been a year and eight months. Every time I see that someone who's a mutual friend has interacted positively with her, especially when my ex is doing her fake peace, light and love thing - which is an act, I know the cold, horrible monster inside her far too well - I get so angry that I feel like my blood is on fire. I've done the best I can, no contact, blocked her form everything online, hidden profiles so that when she talks to my friends online I only see them responding to her. But she still pops up and it's sometimes clear from the content she is trying to seduce new friends with some sort of fake wise-woman thing. It just happened and I'm so angry I'm burning. I utterly, thoroughly hate her for what she did to my life. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't know how to make it stop. No amount of self talk seems to help. I don't want to become an angry, hateful person and I feel like I have. Has anyone here gotten through this?

[DiamondSW]

You're NOT alone.

I just tear my hair out when my BPDexgf makes her religious quotes and oozes love and compassion to others via her charity work with homeless people.  She always says 'you touch my heart' and 'coming from a place of love' indeed a whole host of very sweet statements, but behind closed doors, I saw 4 rages in 10mths which were just off the richter scale.  Unlike an earthquake which lasts 30 seconds tops, this would just not stop and it would be public like on the street, at an airport, urgh. 

How did I deal with it?  I didn't.  I crumbled.  Somehow on each occasion I made it back to my home and a family member, and about a week later i'd get an apology of sorts... . once I was told she acted like she did but "it was coming from a place of love"... .   that was the apology.

Honestly, i've dealt with cranky teenagers for years as per my job.  But I couldn't deal with her viciousness. 

BPD is evil.  It's a cruel illness that can emotionally devastate people who truly love them.  I wished i didn't but i did love her -so I got wrecked. 

My only way to deal with the anger was to try to join her in church and soothe her anguish as a couple.  FAILED.  MISERABLY.  Hospital for me.  So BIG fail.

[FindPeace]

i'd get an apology of sorts... . once I was told she acted like she did but "it was coming from a place of love"... .   that was the apology.

THANK you so much. I felt alone, because I don't even miss her any more, I can't, because all I can feel is so much rage when faced with her fake wisdom crap, or repairing the damage she did. This is so familiar to me, what you said, all of it. And the "coming from a place of love" thing, yeah, she used that to literally destroy me. I'm rebuilding myself, but I feel like Frankenstein's monster sometimes now, all stitched together and patched up from old parts that are broken.

I'm sorry you went through this too. It sucks. You're not alone, either.

[dragonsfire]

I too have felt the anger and I don't want to!  My ex would preach things like 'I wish you love and light' before telling me goodbye a hundred times over texts and breaking up with me.  And yet she would throw F bombs 5 minutes before that.  I felt like she was always trying to teach me something.  As if she were wiser and trying to fix how I loved.  I couldn't prove anything to her and it was soo frustrating!  I literally felt like I was starting to turn into her ways.  She would point the finger at me and never take any kind of responsibility.  I was always apologizing and it made me so pissed.  But I held it in always. 

[DiamondSW]

I don't even feel anger any more, just raw pain, and a LOT of it.

The religious quotes to justify/explain her behaviour just ended me.

There's a pastor in the states called Joel Osteen (or something close).  The man talks sense and his morals are 1st class, so I had 'time' to listen to him.  My ex loved him.  But she took his words and twisted them... .   after putting the fear of God into me she'd say "Let go and Let God"  (let go of me and let God in... . )... . that was hell because I didn't see other people loving her or looking after her, I saw a girl who locked herself in a room for days on end with depression. 

Oh and if I got told one more time "God loves you" after she blatantly screamed at me or belittled me or my friends, urgh... . it was horrid.

The hours she spent reading the bible, going to bible study, taking notes, wearing white jumpers in church... . but would she be there for me?

She got baptised without telling me and wanted to show me the video of her and her church family none of whom i'd known.  I didn't want to see it as I wasn't invited and felt upset -that went down baaadly

Anger, no, PAIN yes.  I remember crying that 'I just want some hope' in this relationship.  Something 'tangible... . '  perhaps a home together, her getting a job, both of us having fun and enjoying our lives, but no... .   always time for reading the bible.  No time for me. 

I'm ranting now.  I feel pathetic. 

[LettingGo14]

I'm ranting now.  I feel pathetic. 

You are not pathetic, at all.   You are not alone.   We have all felt humiliated and  discarded.  My xBPDgf would parrot self-help, religion,  my own words, others -- anything at all , because she had zero sense of who she was.    She lives outside of herself, because she has no connection to her inner self (or at least she doesn't want to go there because of deep interior pain).   

The more I read here, the easier it becomes to let go of her.  The patterns are clear.  My ex has had four jobs in four years and two marriages by age 40.  She runs from intimacy and when she feels "out of control." 

We are with you.  You are not pathetic.

[seeking balance]

all I can feel is so much rage when faced with her fake wisdom crap, or repairing the damage she did. This is so familiar to me, what you said, all of it. And the "coming from a place of love" thing, yeah, she used that to literally destroy me. I'm rebuilding myself, but I feel like Frankenstein's monster sometimes now, all stitched together and patched up from old parts that are broken.

So, be angry - there is nothing wrong with being angry... . channeling that energy to process it is important.

Kickboxing, training for a marathon or hot yoga your thing?  Now is a great time to put that energy there.

Anger is a mask for pain; the way to get through it is to lean into the pain... . anger also serves as a way to keep us tied to them.

I utterly, thoroughly hate her for what she did to my life. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't know how to make it stop. No amount of self talk seems to help. I don't want to become an angry, hateful person and I feel like I have. Has anyone here gotten through this?

Look - I was as pissed as you and I finally got to the point that I couldn't even stand me - then the big wall of tears finally came.  I thought I had cried before, but nothing like the deep, deep hurt.

You want through this - lean into this - what did she do to your life?  Name it - process it.

Try this exercise:

I am mad at ex for "lying to me".  It makes me feel "used".

Make your list tie the feeling to it - very powerful exercise.

Peace,

SB

[DiamondSW]

I am mad at my ex for:

Telling ME about her sexual abuse in graphic detail and no-one else. 

Blaming ME for everything

Making ME feel isolated and lonely when before I met her I had lots of friends. (thankfully still there)

Calling me her abuser.

Doing nothing to right her wrongs.  Happily letting me suffer with the line 'it's not my responsibility to make you happy'... . No, fair point, its not... .   oh by the way, it's ALSO not your responsibility to make me so miserable and unhappy that I ended up in hospital. 

Good people don't treat others like that.

You as a 'Christian' shouldn't treat others like that.

Oh and the final bit to get off my chest... .   her last words to me were "You're precious" and "special"... .   yeah I really felt it, your actions really made me feel it. 

Urgh -there is anger there, not just pain!   

Back to London tomorrow for work... .   I HATE MY LIFE

BT Tower shining away... .   like a beacon from hell

[Tausk]

This is a tough one.  A very tough one.  And especially in my case there was long term betrayal involved.

One thing that helped, was to learn to feel the emotions and know that they are neutral.  Neither good nor bad, but just how the nature of response that determined how I was going to process or not process.

Another factor with the anger, was to really learn to figure out if the base emotion was anger.  Because for me, pain, shame, loneliness, fear, guilt, betrayal... .   and many more all transform into anger. 

So if I'm scared, and it converts to anger... . feeling angry doesn't really even get to the root emotion of fear.  So next time the fear comes up, it's anger again, and again, and... .

Depersonalizing the actions and behaviors of my ex.  IT'S a DISORDER.  IT's Bat Sht Crazy.   It wasn't me any more than the previous guy or the next guy... . I just happen to volunteer for the Disorder to give me a good butt kicking. And I mean good in both ways, intense and productive, because it brought me to the point where I'm willing to find recovery.

And in reality, I don't have the right to be angry.  I knew it was f'ed up.  I knew she was no complete.  And the truth is for me, really the only items that I might reasonably be angry about is the damage that was done to me and my exwBPD as children.  We both had f'ed up childhoods and that was as wrong.  It was unjustifiable.   

But everything in our r/s wasn't personal, it just was what it was.  Radical acceptance, self honesty, compassion and forgiveness.

[Landslide2014]

I appreciate this post. It is the first time I heard of this behavior. Preaching love and (apparent) healing passages to the non immediately following abuse?  My uBPDH does this all the time and it is not uncommon after ridiculing me... . Like today when he told me go get the f#%* out (among other obscenities) after not liking a boundary I stood by and then texting me a passage from a book about "growth can be messy.  Once we call on God... . ".  They are thoughts I would probably relate to if it wasn't born out of confusion usually after an altercation. Instead, I find it creepy, scary, unreliable.  I kind of though it was some sort of projection.  Today it made me sick knowing that he could be so mean in one moment and cite peace quotes the next.  For the moment, I just feel relief knowing I am not the only one experiencing this.   

[Changingman]

Great thread

'Lean into the pain'

[node4]

"Radical acceptance, self honesty, compassion and forgiveness." Rinse wash repeat... . After reading this, I googled Radical acceptance... . again and found this amazing article, I wanted to share it with all of you.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201201/radical-acceptance

[FindPeace]

Today it made me sick knowing that he could be so mean in one moment and cite peace quotes the next.  For the moment, I just feel relief knowing I am not the only one experiencing this.   

You are not alone. This thread did the same for me- I thought I was alone too in this exact thing until now.

[FindPeace]

"Radical acceptance, self honesty, compassion and forgiveness." Rinse wash repeat... . After reading this, I googled Radical acceptance... . again and found this amazing article, I wanted to share it with all of you.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201201/radical-acceptance

Wow. I'm bookmarking this article. Thank you.

[FindPeace]

So, be angry - there is nothing wrong with being angry... . channeling that energy to process it is important.

Kickboxing, training for a marathon or hot yoga your thing?  Now is a great time to put that energy there.

Anger is a mask for pain; the way to get through it is to lean into the pain... . anger also serves as a way to keep us tied to them.

Oh man, did you ever hit on something that I need to quit avoiding here.

I won't lie, I thought that I needed to magically get over being angry, I've been told anger is bad for some reason, and it was a frustrating mystery. It really helped to hear you say that it is ok to be angry, and what you said here was a relief to me. It makes sense. It helps to hear that it is ok to be angry. I can see it being channeled into a place of strength and healing, the more I think about it.

Before my ex's abuse, I was a gym rat. I took out all of my life stress in the gym. I enjoyed learning about anatomy and nutrition and building muscles. I was proud of my work in that regard and the positive emotional effects. She said things to me, did things and now I'm ashamed to admit that just a few short years later I am overweight, very out of shape, I smoke heavily and I drink a lot to cope. I've been in and out of the hospital as a result. It sounds pathetic, I know. It's embarrassing. I've also grown a lot emotionally and mentally and in some ways I'm better off. But I take out my rage at loud clubs with a bottle, out drinking everyone I can - and with a sick pride in it - instead in the gym. I used to go home/wake up extra early early (in my early 20's no less!) in favor of being able to get in a good weight lifting workout before work or a road trip or anything, even when my friends pressured me to do otherwise. Lifting always, always came first. After my mental breakdown, something seriously snapped and broke. It sucks.

You want through this - lean into this - what did she do to your life?  Name it - process it.

Try this exercise:

I am mad at ex for "lying to me".  It makes me feel "used".

Make your list tie the feeling to it - very powerful exercise.

Peace,

SB

Okay, you nailed it. Thank you so much for your reply. What I need to do is get back to lifting, and while I'm there, name it and process it like you said. And try that exercise you mentioned.

If I make lifting my number one priority again, the bars and noise will be less of a priority. So will booze. I love that rowdy life now, no lie, but it's going to kill me if I keep it up, and it'll impede my emotional healing process for sure.

[blur]

Wow. Soo much of what you guys write COULD have been written by me. I see the same themes, arguments and cycles in a lot of these posts.

Speaking for myself, I don't deal with the anger in the best of ways. I let it slumber deep down inside until some random thought I have brings it back up and makes my blood boil. It's like in a cartoon a light bulb goes off and I connect the dots to yet ANOTHER LIE or manipulation.

Man after all this crazy making a normal relationships drama would be welcomed.

[seeking balance]

I've been told anger is bad for some reason, and it was a frustrating mystery. It really helped to hear you say that it is ok to be angry, and what you said here was a relief to me. It makes sense. It helps to hear that it is ok to be angry. I can see it being channeled into a place of strength and healing, the more I think about it.

Anger is a natural part of life - learning how to feel it and channel it is a good thing.

I was on the opposite side from you... . growing up anger was ok, tears and sadness not so much... . thus I was really good at being angry!

But I take out my rage at loud clubs with a bottle, out drinking everyone I can - and with a sick pride in it - instead in the gym.

Well, there is no right or wrong... . honestly.  At the end of the day, there are patterns of behavior that take us down a path that makes us feel better and some take us down a path that lets us mask the pain - either way, to totally heal, we do have to feel the pain.

Be kind to yourself - we do the best we can with what we know. 

Peace,

SB