Seriously?

[NyGirl8]

It has only been three weeks since he left for the fourth and last time.  We had plans to go to an event this coming weekend as a family.  He is now going with my kids and my replacement and her kids.  He asked me to pack them warm and extra clothes.  I texted back "yes".  Then he said "Thank you!  I will be taking A LOT of pictures, would you like me to send you some?" 

Come on?  Is he serious?

I texted back "no".

He answered "ok... . I understand why"

Wow, just wow.  And I had been feeling so good from an appt. with my T.  Trying to regain composure.

[LettingGo14]

NYGirl,

Our xBPD partners are sick.  We are healing.  I am very glad you are here and posting because we can all heal together.    Be kind to yourself.  Don't internalize his illness. 

You are taking the right steps.  I am sending you white light.

We can do this. 

[NyGirl8]

Ugh, thank you LettingGo!  It is very appreciated.  I am just having a tough time.  But, on a positive note, my T suggested something I never thought of before.  I am on anti-depressants, but, there seems to be anxiety, racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts... . that no matter what I try... . cannot seem to get a hold of.  Ummm, yes, PTSD is probably a part of it as well.  He referred me to a P for a complete eval. to try and get the right meds.  Gives me hope that some of this pain is truly beyond anything I can control... . and possibly get some relief from it with a more thorough look into what I need... .

So, thanks for the white light, sending some back to you:-)

[winston72]

Hey NYGirl... . it is all pretty unimaginable, isn't it?

Having followed your posts and now reading this one, my thoughts are that there is emerging clarity about who each of you are.  You have a sense of boundaries, order and emotional coherence.  He lacks each of these things.  He is oddly open about it now.  The tone of his texts and just the ability to ask that question displays a lack of empathy and perspective.

At three weeks from his most recent departure, this type of communication and behavior would rattle anyone who had a sense of attachment to their ex.  It is reasonable to need to regain some composure.  It is an "ambush" to discover this new reality about your ex.  

I trust this is one more step in helping to define the reality of your situation... . hey, you don't really need that!  It just hurts.  Hopefully more clarity about moving on and why.

[winston72]

My post passed yours in the ether... .

The intermittent shocks to our sense of self, such as him taking this other woman and her kids on a previously scheduled family trip are very disorienting and painful.  It is traumatic.  And then when he acts like it is a celebration, well that makes it worse and weird and all the more distressing.  It is as though the earth beneath you shifts and he acts like it means nothing.  It is disorienting... . the reality of what is happening with your family and how you relate to yourself.  It is as thought your prior inner moorings have moved.  It does generate anxiety... .

[winston72]

... . and continuing a bit... . this is one of those instances where it might not be best to ignore it or think that you should just let it go.  It is an outrage!  It is disrespectful, injurious... . wrong!  Sometime it is best to call it what it is and react accordingly.  You don't need to engage him, but I think the alignment of our feelings and thoughts with actual events is a key to emotional progress and health.  It is, I think, fundamental to what it means to "face the facts."  Sometimes the anxiety and disorientation arises when we do not feel entitled or able to react in a way that is consistent with what is happening.  That lack of entitlement can arise because his reactions are odd; because we are initially in shock and injured needing to reserve energy for our own protection; and because we want to move on and sometimes we think that means to not react, and to act like it does not hurt us.

He is wrong to take the trip that was planned to include you; really wrong to include this other woman; really, really wrong to include her kids; and just a colossal jerk to send that message to you and reference photos.  Wrong.  Awful, rude behavior.

[NyGirl8]

Hi Winston,

Because I know this man better than I know myself (trying hard to rectify that one:-), I know he is beginning to "come down" from his dysregulation.  He is beginning to look back on his behavior with a tiny bit of clarity, maybe some shame, and if he is truly coming down... . some regret.  I have been his "rock" for ten + years.  He has made me pay for being that rock for him, but, nonetheless, always comes back to me.  Well, I have always caved in the past, forgiven him, and engaged.  My boundaries are up and he can feel it.  I am not engaging, I am not soothing him, I am not forgiving... . I have only communicated with him through text and not said one word since our last blow out phone conversation.  This is killing him.  But, I am not doing this to hurt him, I am truly doing this to save myself.  There is real danger for me in engaging him.  I am determined to not only heal, but, to thrive.  Sadly, I am scared for what this will do to him.  I am really not sure, and to be honest, frightened of what he will do when he really accepts that we are done.  But, I can no longer put his well being above mine... . so, on I go... . one foot in front of the other :-)

[charred]

NyGirl8...

Look around on the board for resources on stopping rumination.

Mindfulness worked about 10x better for me than meds... a lot of the ruminating about the past and worrying about the future can be nipped in the bud by learning to stay in the present. Most the BPD drama is egoic in nature... it eminates from the "false self"... from fears/dreams/thought... rather than from reality. When you learn to stay anchored in the present... you are able to keep your sensibility about you and question utter BS from the pwBPD... and it eventually changes everything... makes it where you can get off their drama roller coaster.

Good luck.

[NyGirl8]

Thanks mindfulness, I have been reading, and reading, and practicing and practicing:-)  I will keep trying.

And Winston, I really like what you are saying about being outraged and hurt when it is called for.  I have been "taught" to keep quiet about any anger for years because that would end up in rage from him.

Also, yes it is amazingly inappropriate.  But, he is also taking our children.  It is his weekend with them.  Doesn't make it any better, but, a tiny bit knowing I think he was asking if I wanted pics of our children.  Although, I wouldn't put it passed him to slip in pics of my replacement with my kids... .

[seeking balance]

PTSD is probably a part of it as well.  He referred me to a P for a complete eval. to try and get the right meds.  Gives me hope that some of this pain is truly beyond anything I can control... . and possibly get some relief from it with a more thorough look into what I need... .

EMDR is a therapy for pstd that my T was trained in and it really did help with my ruminations early on.

Exercise does wonders too; hot yoga was a staple for me when I was in your shoes.

Hang in there, it will get better - honestly.

Peace,

SB

[NyGirl8]

Thanks SB!  I will look into it!  I do think though that because of my family history, plus my own history with depression and anxiety (even before I met the ex)... . I do think there is some type of chemical imbalance that deserves some attention.  But, I do plan on adding exercise to my routine.  I have been working hard on eating correctly and getting to a healthy weight and feeling lighter has helped a lot!  Once the weight loss slows down I will be adding in exercise:-)  There is actually a hot yoga studio in town, I may have to check it out!

[seeking balance]

I do think there is some type of chemical imbalance that deserves some attention. 

sounds like you have a plan

But, I do plan on adding exercise to my routine.  I have been working hard on eating correctly and getting to a healthy weight and feeling lighter has helped a lot!  Once the weight loss slows down I will be adding in exercise:-)  There is actually a hot yoga studio in town, I may have to check it out!

good job on the healthy diet 

exercise is a natural anti-depressant - chemically speaking, the endorphins really do help with mood.  Even if you start by walking 20 minutes a day, it can have a HUGE impact on your overall mental health.

Keep up the good work - you really are taking control of your own life