"Low"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT6iCiul3D4

Sums up my feelings yesterday/today.  Triggered by dreams of her.  32 days NC and suddenly all the exercising, all the attempts to disassociate, all the attempts to move forward are failing to help me cope.  I feel withdrawn.  No social media, no texting, no phone calls.  I don't want to be bothered.  Thank GOD for this website and sadly, for all of you that are the only ones that can understand and comprehend with firsthand knowledge of *exactly* what a day in the life of a non-BPD that is going through PTSD from a BPD r/s breakup is like.  

Anywho... . listening to Coldplay makes me wonder what associations Chris Martin has with a pwBPD as so many of his lyrics could certainly "fit".  And yes, I shouldn't be tormenting myself with this because it was her that introduced me to Coldplay and listening to them together was so prominent during our honeymoon phase.  I've grown an addiction to the pain and sorrow.  I enjoy crying now.  Yes, my T will tell you, for the first time in my life I'm able to cry like an actor on a set and on cue.  Grieving the loss of my mother at all too young of an age (the same age that I am now) and how my dBPDxgf triggers the release of the mourning for the loss of my mother that I didn't allow myself to fully release back then because I was too "strong" to show those emotions.  My ex never met my mother; she had passed many, many years before but we would often go to her grave site at her insistence.  I know now, all a part of the mirroring but it doesn't make knowing that any easier.

Chris Martin's lyrics:

"Low"

You see the world in black and white

No colour or light

You think you'll never get it right

But you're wrong. You might.

The sky could fall, could fall on me

The parting of the sea

But you mean more, mean more to me

Than any colour I can see

All you ever wanted was love,

But you never looked hard enough,

It's never gonna give itself up

All you ever wanted to be

Living in perfect symmetry,

Nothing is as down or as up as us

You see the world in black and white

Not painted right

You see no meaning to your life

You should try

You should try

All you ever wanted was love,

But you never looked hard enough,

It's never gonna give itself up

All you ever wanted to be,

Living in perfect symmetry,

Nothing is as down or as up

Don't you want to see it come soon,

Floating in a big white balloon

Come give her your own silver spoon

Don't you want to see it come down?

There for throwing your arms around

And say "You're not a moment too soon."

Cause I feel low, cause I feel low

ooh... .

Yeah I feel low

oh no... . ooh

Cause I feel low, cause I feel low

oh... .

Yet I feel low

oh no... . ooh

[In_n_Out]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT6iCiul3D4

Sums up my feelings yesterday/today.  Triggered by dreams of her.  32 days NC and suddenly all the exercising, all the attempts to disassociate, all the attempts to move forward are failing to help me cope.  I feel withdrawn.  No social media, no texting, no phone calls.  I don't want to be bothered.  Thank GOD for this website and sadly, for all of you that are the only ones that can understand and comprehend with firsthand knowledge of *exactly* what a day in the life of a non-BPD that is going through PTSD from a BPD r/s breakup is like.  

Anywho... . listening to Coldplay makes me wonder what associations Chris Martin has with a pwBPD as so many of his lyrics could certainly "fit".  And yes, I shouldn't be tormenting myself with this because it was her that introduced me to Coldplay and listening to them together was so prominent during our honeymoon phase.  I've grown an addiction to the pain and sorrow.  I enjoy crying now.  Yes, my T will tell you, for the first time in my life I'm able to cry like an actor on a set and on cue.  Grieving the loss of my mother at all too young of an age (the same age that I am now) and how my dBPDxgf triggers the release of the mourning for the loss of my mother that I didn't allow myself to fully release back then because I was too "strong" to show those emotions.  My ex never met my mother; she had passed many, many years before but we would often go to her grave site at her insistence.  I know now, all a part of the mirroring but it doesn't make knowing that any easier.

Chris Martin's lyrics:

"Low"

You see the world in black and white

No colour or light

You think you'll never get it right

But you're wrong. You might.

The sky could fall, could fall on me

The parting of the sea

But you mean more, mean more to me

Than any colour I can see

All you ever wanted was love,

But you never looked hard enough,

It's never gonna give itself up

All you ever wanted to be

Living in perfect symmetry,

Nothing is as down or as up as us

You see the world in black and white

Not painted right

You see no meaning to your life

You should try

You should try

All you ever wanted was love,

But you never looked hard enough,

It's never gonna give itself up

All you ever wanted to be,

Living in perfect symmetry,

Nothing is as down or as up

Don't you want to see it come soon,

Floating in a big white balloon

Come give her your own silver spoon

Don't you want to see it come down?

There for throwing your arms around

And say "You're not a moment too soon."

Cause I feel low, cause I feel low

ooh... .

Yeah I feel low

oh no... . ooh

Cause I feel low, cause I feel low

oh... .

Yet I feel low

oh no... . ooh

[In_n_Out]

Well this is just too strange.  So I mentioned in another thread here that last night and today this morning, the emotions really hit me.  I have/had been doing so good with this.  The exercising has really helped me and I'm staying healthy and confident but something changed last night.  I was somehow triggered and have been in tears since.  I went to my first service call this morning and felt myself getting emotional and called my service coordinator and told her to clear my schedule that I need to go home "sick".

I hadn't noticed that my next service call would of been to her office.  I swear, I hadn't even looked ahead on my schedule.  I would of canceled myself on that call anyways.  So keeping that in mind, a coworker buddy of mine that knows the situation called me urgently.  He said that was good that I didn't go, that he ran in to my ex.  He did the service needed and said goodbye and was leaving and then my ex ran out in to the parking lot after him.  He said that she asked how I was doing and that she had tears in her eyes.  She then gave him a note and said to give it to me.  He's going to bring it by later today. 

I know the slippery path that this will lead to (or could).  Perhaps it's a note saying "I love you but goodbye for good... . please this time" (part of me thinks that it will be that).  Likely too it will be a note that says how she misses x, y and z that we did together but then I did a, b and c that hurt her (that was a common theme with her and I know that's common to the disorder).  She is diagnosed BPD.  What if it says that she is or has been in DBT again and is working to get better and wants to see where we are at?  I doubt that will be the case.  Do I just not read the note?  The curiosity is already killing me, I'll have to read it. 

So coincidence that I have gotten all shaken up as of last night and now after more than a month NC, this?  Yes, of course it is.  Not some cosmic-soul-bonding thing going on as much as my pipe-dream heart may think that it is.  I'm trembling thinking of what the note says.

What is interesting to me as well is the video and resources that I had *just* finished watching before my buddy called with this news:

www.youtube.com/watch/?v=KGXdxtZZisE

And the thoughts that I have that I can understand this and sympathize with her.  I'm in the FOG big time, aren't I?

[NyGirl8]

Oh dear, hello in and out!  It sure sounds like you have a lot on your plate today.  I can empathize with the crash you are experiencing.  My relationship with my undiagnosed exBPD/NPD husband recycled 4 times and I am currently about 3 1/2 weeks into it being over.  I still have to communicate because of our young children... . but I so understand the crash that happens!  For me I think I have figured it out.  The initial split is such a relief... . I mean it is like wow, I can breathe a little bit and relax with the psychoticness gone!  But, that doesn't last... . then it is on to the crash, the sorrow, the healing, the looking at oneself, and the working through the reality vs the smoke and mirrors of what our exes presented to us.  I really, really thought I would breeze through it this time.  But, this time actually seems harder.  I think it is because I know in my heart and soul it is truly done this time.  I know, after 4 recycles, there is nothing he can say to make this relationship start up again.  The scary thing is, I know he will try.  I know I have to some how gain strength to say "no" when the time comes.  It scares the crap out of me.  I do not envy you being in the position to receive a note from her.  Honestly I would look.  I wouldn't be able to help it.  But, if I were you... . I really would take some time to prepare.  Really think about her actions over the course of your relationship.  Did her actions ever match her words?  Because you will be getting words in the note, not actions.

On another note, I am sorry you have been crying, but, glad you are able to finally grieve.  I didn't cry for 15 years, I was shut down even before I met my ex.  I am happy to say, I know feel all my feelings, even my sadness... . it makes me feel more whole.  I do look forward to not feeling so much saddness   But, I have hope it is coming.

Good luck with whatever you decide!  Sending you strength!

[In_n_Out]

Thank you NyGirl8,

So the lettered was delivered by my friend.  She indicates that she jotted it out while he was there.  It said that her heart dropped when she heard that I was coming out for the service call and then dropped again to learn that I had gone home "sick".

She indicates that she has found a therapist who "has a background" in CBT/DBT and that it is going to be hard work - but that she is dedicated to it now.

She said that she's visited my moms grave a few times (interestingly given what I wrote about connecting her and my moms passing together) and that she wept at her grave as if she knew her, prayed for me and left flowers and that she "so wishes she was here".

She wants me to be happy and healthy.  That our cat is her best friend now (I guess my replacement ranks below the cat at this point), and that "if hating me helps you heal... . then hate me.  If apathy is what it takes for you to heal and find all you hope for and deserve, then feel nothing".

She concludes by saying "just find all you dream of. I tak you with me - inside. I am better, stronger, grateful for knowing you and whether you (I) chose to believe or not or don't care - I will love you always".

So... .

I have to take much of that with a grain of salt knowing her past actions.  Can I believe that she is going to a therapist?  Probably a little truth in that - she may of looked up a therapist.  I pray that she is getting help.  Maybe she is.  She obviously felt compelled to write a note for me but that could be a "feeler" for a possible recycle attempt. 

UPDATE: I wrote a letter in reply.  I actually wrote it before I read hers.  I said that I have been trying to understand what it is that she deals with constantly.  That I hope that she returns to therapy to stop the cycle.  That I know she will go from r/s to r/s seeking to fill that "love" void but that if she needs to talk about therapy or help finding a therapist, I will do that for her.  That I still care very much for her.  That I know some of my words hurt her but that her actions were painful as well.  I wished her the best.  I dropped it off at her house, nervously.  I didn't know if she still lived there or not (figured she'd of moved in with my replacement by now).  Her car was there but I had already pulled in.  I rang the doorbell, twice.  No answer and I didn't hear any stirring inside (wooden floors so it's easy to hear footsteps).  So maybe replacement bought her a new car (hers barely runs) or she found another way to work.  She was obviously at work at some point today and their office doesn't close for another two hours at that point.  But see, here I am already making excuses or guessing her actions and that's just not really healthy for me.

I don't know what she will do or say in reply to my letter.  She is blocked on everything so it may be a surprise visit (my guess) in a recycle attempt.  She may do nothing.  What will I do if she does come over here would be my worry.  Our last recycle was over Christmas. She was involved with my replacement and all of the crying and the "I love you's, but... . " that went on.  I can't go through that again only to be let down.  Boundaries.  I have to set strong boundaries and enforce them.

I appreciate any further thoughts!

[NyGirl8]

Have you checked out the information and posts on the "staying" board?  I think there, there may be info and stories related to your current thinking?  It sounds as if you may be undecided in this moment?

I can certainly relate to the staying as I did it for 4 recycles... . but I don't think I am in a place to give you advice on this.  I actually think only you can gather information, and only you know your unique situation the best, and only you can make this decision for yourself.

My situation is my ex went very much undiagnosed.  He only admitted to having a rage issue in the final recycle... . that is what got me back in.  He even went on meds and everything.  His other promises to seek out individual counseling and couples counseling never transpired... . I finally had to go with actions, not words... .

Good luck!