5 weeks NC has not been easy

[giirl87]

It's been a little over 5 weeks since I broke up with my BPDbf and it has not been easy. I know he has painted me black and it bothers me that he sees me as the bad person. I want to defend myself to him but I know it will fall on deaf ears as everything else I have ever said to him has.

I have written so many letters to him for me, not to ever send to him and the heartache and devastation is still hard to deal with. I am not sure if he has replaced me, he had been responding to personal ads on Craigslist which is what caused the bu. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to fall in love with him. Is it possible to be a Narcissistic, waif, highly productive, bi polar BPD? So many traits from all of those fit him.

I want him to miss me and to realize how good I was to him but I know that will not happen.  I just don't understand how he can go about life as if I never existed in his. I apologize for rambling, I am just down today and I so badly want closure that I know I will never get.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are having a tough day 

It is still early on and it is normal you are questioning everything, trying to label it so you can process - be gentle with yourself.

I want him to miss me and to realize how good I was to him but I know that will not happen.  I just don't understand how he can go about life as if I never existed in his. I apologize for rambling, I am just down today and I so badly want closure that I know I will never get.

Please do not base your worth on his actions - you are here because this is a support group learning how to deal with mentally ill people - don't take this lightly. 

Closure... . this word is used here often and after watching the patterns here - what I think people may actually be looking for is validation that they mattered.  Could this be what you are looking for?

[In_n_Out]

I have no advice to offer but can offer you my sympathy and understanding as I'm going through exactly the same thoughts myself right now.  I'm at about 5 weeks NC and had been getting along ok.  Sure, there were some down times; but I'd usually bounce back within a few hours and working out seemed to be a great reliever of the symptoms but starting yesterday I got so "blue" over it all.  I sent my ex texts (no replies of course).  No "I miss you's" or "I hate you's", just that I was thinking of some things we shared in the past.  I came home from work and tried to perk myself up for a workout at the gym.  I stumbled through a pretty weak workout and while doing cardio I felt like I needed to just release.  I left the gym with some urgency, found a secluded place in the parking lot and just let it all out.

I dreamt of her (again) last night.  Woke up really down.  Went to work and did my first service call and felt like I was going to lose it again.  Called my service coordinator and cleared my schedule and came home "sick".  I bawled the entire drive home.  I'm bawling now.  I don't know if my "T" levels are low or what the hell has hit me but it's almost like back to day one sadness.

The question or thought that you proposed is one that is just chewing me up alive; how could she paint me black and move on as if though 4 years together never existed.  And I know the answer; I was only an "object" in the room to her.  She didn't "love" me as I did her.  I filled her need based wants and then was discarded after being used up.  I went from being an object that she needed to engulfment and she pushed me away and out of her life.  I hear/read all of that but I guess I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with how that works in somebody's mind.  And SB, I hear you; don't base by worth on her actions.  I'm trying.  Really trying.

 to you giirl87, I feel ya.

[ScathednConfused]

Hi girl87, part of the BPD base is irrational thinking, so trying to wrap your head around, and apply rational logic to, irrational thinking if a futile effort that you should not waste your precious resources on.

My ex walked away from a 28 year rs like it was nothing and I spent several months trying to rationalize and understand this behavior. My final conclusion was to accept two fundamental facts, 1) BPDs are incapable of forming the same deep emotional bond that nons do, 2) rationalizing irrational behavior is itself irrational and nothing can come of it.

Do not beat yourself up for falling in love, that is a state that humans naturally gravitate towards, and when presented with the ideation stage and mirroring associated with a BPD the effect can be intoxicating.

Detaching four nons is a difficult and painful process, be kind to yourself because you cannot blame yourself for wanting love, nor can you change the past. You can only realize that this new path is a healthier one for you and deserve to be loved--by someone who truly loves you.

You cannot dictate or control how he is going to react, paint the rs, or even if he tries to recycle you. What you can control is how you react and how you feel about you. A person can only tell so many lies or embellishments before people stop listening, you do not want that kind of drama in your life.

It is hard now and at 5 months nc, as I am, I can say it is STILL hard, but it gets better. :-)

Believe in yourself. You are worth it.

SC

[giirl87]

Validation would be a good start. I think an apology would be enough validation to me but, I definitely know I will never get one of those, not a meaningful one anyway. I have been trying to figure out his thinking and I will never get it. I am tired of people telling me to get over it and move on, if it were that simple I would have replaced him already and I can't even fathom getting into another relationship right now. It probably would be easier also if we had been fighting when I broke up with him. I say broke up, he would say we were never anything so there was no break up. Yet, if we were never anything, why paint me black and talk crap about me? That's one thing I don't understand, if they feel really nothing for us why get pissed off when they no longer have us?

To in_n_out, hang in there, it's all about reprogramming yourself! The abuse took years to wear you down, it is gonna take time to recover.

[ScathednConfused]

I would argue that, it isn't that they don't feel anything more that they feel it at a much more immature level. The reason they get pissed off is because they start to feel the anxiety and fear within themselves and it is far more palatable to think "you" are the problem than to accept that "they" are.

Validation is a very satisfying thing, however you will never get it from him, and the loss of the relationship isn't lightened with anger so fighting or no you would have been left with that need for validation and confusion just the same.