how was I not good enough

[cal644]

It has been quite some time since I have posted here - which I believe is a good sign.  Now that I'm somewhat out of the FOG things become more clear but there are times I ask myself how was I not good enough?  It's weird but I know how great of a husband I was to her, I know how patient, kind, and understanding I was - but I still ask why?  Again now that I am out of the FOG - I understand I was good enough for her - maybe too good and she honestly didn't think she deserved me, IDK?  The only thing I still struggle with in my new relationship is that this new person doesn't need constant attention 24/7, she doesn't constantly have that need for recognition, she is dependant (which is a good thing), but after being "trained" for the past 19 years in my marriage and walking on eggshells it's a strange feeling.  The one thing that is great with my new relationship is that this new person lets me know how truly amazing of a guy that I am - and she asked, just like everbody who knew the ex and I - What the heck was your ex thinking?  Life does go on, life does get better, so for all of those of you who are new to this sight - there is a light at the end of the tunnel of darkness you may be going through right now.

[Clearmind]

"How was I not good enough" - because it's not about you or what you could or could not provide.

Cal, work on your own feelings of you believing you are not good enough and work on your self worth. A person with worth does not blame themselves for the demise of the relationship but rather works on what they could do different in the new relationship. They use this experience to learn and as a process of self discovery.

What would you differently in this new relationship compared to the last? We need to be mindful of not repeating patterns.

[cal644]

Actually I don't think I would do anything different except look for the warning signs. Her main reason for quitting loving me was when my brother got cancer and passed away because I wasn't paying enough attention to her and because I was focused on him and myself during the grieving process. 

[Rosehip]

You are an inspiration cal644.

You've been strong and moved on. You are human. You have self doubt. Better that than be someone who walks over people and treats people badly.

19 years of giving is a long time. Feelings of being used and not appreciated are bound to crop up now and then.

But you got out and didn't go back and have a wonderful partner who appreciates you.

You have my admiration. Thank you for giving us hope that things will get better if we stick at it.

[Turkish]

Actually I don't think I would do anything different except look for the warning signs. Her main reason for quitting loving me was when my brother got cancer and passed away because I wasn't paying enough attention to her and because I was focused on him and myself during the grieving process. 

That is a horrible person. Mine started detaching from me when I was paying too much attention to my little kids instead of her. Oh, wait, they were her kids, too! And they weren't older: a baby and a toddler. And she neglected them to pursue her teen romance offline from us. Despicable.

[Clearmind]

We each play a role in the dysfunction. Part of healing is finding our role and not repeating it in future relationships. We attach and stay for a reason - it's not simply fate. How we wish it's that easy.