not sure

[suffering_parent]

So BPD moms first visitation is coming in a month.   I now have full custody and am divorced from her.   She still has no car, no job, no money.

She lives 6 hrs away and wants me to pay her transportation costs for the visit and/or pick her up.  I can't give her a ride or be anywhere near her due to her anger.   Her visit was already going to cost me probably 2k.   I have to pay for supervision for 7 days and for food to make sure the kids are taken care of.    I also have to be out of my home during that time.

I really don't want to pay or have any part of her problems in getting here.   It is her choice to live so far away and not be working.   At the same time the kids are expecting her.   It is a hard choice.   I could probably swing the costs, but it is less I have for the kids.

I am torn and not sure what to do!

[DreamGirl]

That is hard.

Sometimes we have to say, "I just can't swing it."

From where I stand, you're compromising your fair share. She also probably is asking for as much as she can and will come through in the end... .

Or maybe is (subconsciously) laying the responsibility in your lap, so that if she fails to come to the visit - it is not her fault. (Because guilt is a really hard emotion)

It's OK to say no. It's OK to say yes. That's up to you. I also know that the pwBPD in my life is pretty good at getting what she wants when she really wants it. So if she wanted to see her kiddos 6 hours away - she'd find a way.

[Nope]

I also know that the pwBPD in my life is pretty good at getting what she wants when she really wants it. So if she wanted to see her kiddos 6 hours away - she'd find a way.

This is very true. My step kid's BPD mom called at the beginning of the summer crying poverty and asking for help getting the kids school supplies (even though she was about to be still getting child support for the month and a half we had the kids). We didn't give her anything and she ended up voluntarily going down to only part time work for the summer and living off the child support and suckering her grandmother into paying for school supplies. Where there is a will there is a way.

You also don't want to set any precedent of paying for her expenses to see the kids. Precedents tend to turn into expectations.

[PinkieV]

You're already paying more than enough - let her figure it out.  If she can't it's her fault.  I like the comment "I just can't swing it".  I'd tell her "I just can't swing that too."  Put it in writing so you have proof of what you are paying for, and what she's asking for.

[suffering_parent]

So I told her nicely it was her responsibility to get here.   She doesn't seem to understand we are divorced and she doesn't get alimony.   She is saving all her money to sue me and my lawyer for putting her in poverty!

So insane how they are never responsible for their own bad decisions.

[Nope]

So insane how they are never responsible for their own bad decisions.

They can't. Taking responsibility can be hard for people who don't have a PD. In her mind she probably feels like she has no control over anything and therefore bad things just keep "happening" to her.

The closest I ever saw my step kids BPD mom come to accepting responsibility was in a public online post to her mother discussing a recent speeding ticket. She said, "We're damned if we do, and we do. So we're just damned."

[bravhart1]

No amount of "help" financial or otherwise will ever be enough. I think we all know that one by now right?

Cut off the funds you aren't legally obligated to pay. Take care of your family and keep the hard earned money you earned in your own pocket.

Sorry to sound harsh, but we tried to help our special BPD mommy and she just kept asking for more. When the answer finally became no. We were the jerks!

Wish we hadn't let her dupe us out of the THOUSANDS we gave her. My husband and I both work hourly, a combined 125+ hours a week. Not rich by any means.