I'm starting to feel like I'm the disordered one...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I would be very appreciative to whatever feedback and/or advice some of you may have for me.  I'll try to make this as brief and easy to follow as possible. 

I have been in a 4yr relationship with someone to whom I believe is uBPD.  I've been doing a lot of reading on these boards for quite some time, and sometimes I feel like I maybe have written some of these posts, in my sleep.  We have recycled so many times, I honestly wouldn't even begin to put an accurate number.  To complicate matters we lived together, and have two sons from a previous marriage.  We had a rip roaring fight (the Sunday after Valentine's day of course... . )were as usual the most vile, hurtful, and downright abusive comments were hurled at me.  This is nothing new, although he did add some new, but particularly hurtful insults to his repertoire.  However, I lost my wits and decided how he would like to have horrible insults hurled at him.  I'm not proud.  It made me feel good for about 10 minutes and then I was left feeling horrible about myself, for a) hurting someone for the sole purpose of hurting them and b) for caving and partaking in the same exact behavior I have been telling him is hurtful and damaging to our relationship. 

Needless to say, it was the last straw for me.  We really didn't have a "conversation" about specifically breaking up because my stbxBPD stonewalls and goes into silent treatment mode, but I did tell him that was my plan.  Of course I have threatened this so many times prior, who knows if he understood how serious I really am.   Since we leave together, NC really isn't an option but I had told myself I would do my best to keep to LC.  Fast forward to a couple of days of VERY LC I received an email from him asking when I would be moving out? I told him that I had just started looking but as soon as I had the hard date he would be the first to know.  To further complicate matters his parents are coming in from out of state to visit us, next weekend.  It was at this point I told him that I had made arrangements for me and my children to stay at a friends while his parents are in town.  He then informed me that he had already talked to his parents, and told them to reschedule.

Fast forward to today, again after very LC.  I received this email from him, which I will admit, is one of the most respectful correspondence that I have every received from him.  Other than I had answered this question on Friday, AND let's not forget he told me he had already spoken with his parents, and that they were rescheduling their visit.

HIM:  Can you please give me a hard date on when you will be out. I need to let my Dad know when we can reschedule his visit. I would like to have a discussion with him about this and everything else by this weekend. That way I can give them as much notice as possible to change their plans. Thanks.

Me: I responded by attaching my email to him from Friday, stating that as soon as I had the exact date he would be the first to know.  So I didn't respond with anything new, just the attached email response from last Friday

HIM: Thanks for your help. Let's be honest... . you haven't signed any lease at all have you

WHHHAAATTT?  One, I have NEVER told him that I've signed anything, and two - he is accusing me of lying yet admitting to his on lie, all in one sentence?  This is where I'm certain I've made a mistake.  I responded (I know, I know) with what started off as trying to set boundaries but after rereading my response a few times, I was clearly trying to purge my anger.  I know better, it's a totally waste of time, they are NEVER going to get it.  Here is my response:

I have answered your questions, as you've asked them, and you cannot say the same. How have I not been helpful?  There is not one question that not only have I not answered, I have been very timely with my responses.  Oh, that's right - it's always about you and how you feel you've  been wronged, even when there is concrete evidence to prove just the opposite.   I feel all I owe you is to tell you the hard date, as soon as I have that.  I owe you nothing more. Nothing less.

This will be the LAST conversation I have with you, until I provide you with the date.  I will no longer be responding to any correspondence from you regarding this matter, or any other.  So listen up - read it out loud, print it out, do whatever you need to do that will help you to retain this information and to refrain from reaching out to me needlessly. 

You are correct.  I did not sign the lease, after viewing the condo, in person, on Monday afternoon.  It is not any of your business, but my reasoning was simple and very logical.  I really do not want to change schools on the boys.  I really do not want to climb 2 flights of stairs to get to my house, there is no yard for the boys to play in, and no place for me to store such things as bikes.  I will not be forced into a lease agreement and pay money on a place I dislike or that fails to meet my basic needs for the boys.  It's that simple.  Again, this is not any of your business, and I'm sure you will not even be able to see my reasoning or my logic, because of course, it's not yours.

I have located three properties that would appear to meet some of the basic needs.  I have not had a chance to view these yet, and as I stated on Friday the 21st.  You'll be the first person I notify.

In closing, thank you for the laugh today.  Only you can accuse me of lying, and contradict (exposing your lie) in the very same email?  You really are something very special.  Allow me to keep it real.  It has not even been 7 days since I started looking.  You're going to have to reign in your child-like "I must get it/have it/say it now in order to make myself feel better" tendencies under control or this could be a very long couple of weeks for you.

One last note, this was already pointed out on Friday, but I'll reiterate this one last time.  The boys and I will NOT be at your house while your parents are there nor would we do anything to disrupt your visit with them.  If you choose to postpone it, that's on you, and there is nothing that should be holding you back from having that conversation with them, since last Friday.  So let's be honest... . you're not interested, not one tiny little bit in providing your family any notice, or you would of told them on Friday the 21st, like you said you had already done. 

Now leave me alone and go back to watching whatever garbage tv show that you're entrenched in at the moment!

Help, am I the disordered one?

[blondie79]

I would be very appreciative to whatever feedback and/or advice some of you may have for me.  I'll try to make this as brief and easy to follow as possible. 

I have been in a 4yr relationship with someone to whom I believe is uBPD.  I've been doing a lot of reading on these boards for quite some time, and sometimes I feel like I maybe have written some of these posts, in my sleep.  We have recycled so many times, I honestly wouldn't even begin to put an accurate number.  To complicate matters we lived together, and have two sons from a previous marriage.  We had a rip roaring fight (the Sunday after Valentine's day of course... . )were as usual the most vile, hurtful, and downright abusive comments were hurled at me.  This is nothing new, although he did add some new, but particularly hurtful insults to his repertoire.  However, I lost my wits and decided how he would like to have horrible insults hurled at him.  I'm not proud.  It made me feel good for about 10 minutes and then I was left feeling horrible about myself, for a) hurting someone for the sole purpose of hurting them and b) for caving and partaking in the same exact behavior I have been telling him is hurtful and damaging to our relationship. 

Needless to say, it was the last straw for me.  We really didn't have a "conversation" about specifically breaking up because my stbxBPD stonewalls and goes into silent treatment mode, but I did tell him that was my plan.  Of course I have threatened this so many times prior, who knows if he understood how serious I really am.   Since we leave together, NC really isn't an option but I had told myself I would do my best to keep to LC.  Fast forward to a couple of days of VERY LC I received an email from him asking when I would be moving out? I told him that I had just started looking but as soon as I had the hard date he would be the first to know.  To further complicate matters his parents are coming in from out of state to visit us, next weekend.  It was at this point I told him that I had made arrangements for me and my children to stay at a friends while his parents are in town.  He then informed me that he had already talked to his parents, and told them to reschedule.

Fast forward to today, again after very LC.  I received this email from him, which I will admit, is one of the most respectful correspondence that I have every received from him.  Other than I had answered this question on Friday, AND let's not forget he told me he had already spoken with his parents, and that they were rescheduling their visit.

HIM:  Can you please give me a hard date on when you will be out. I need to let my Dad know when we can reschedule his visit. I would like to have a discussion with him about this and everything else by this weekend. That way I can give them as much notice as possible to change their plans. Thanks.

Me: I responded by attaching my email to him from Friday, stating that as soon as I had the exact date he would be the first to know.  So I didn't respond with anything new, just the attached email response from last Friday

HIM: Thanks for your help. Let's be honest... . you haven't signed any lease at all have you

WHHHAAATTT?  One, I have NEVER told him that I've signed anything, and two - he is accusing me of lying yet admitting to his on lie, all in one sentence?  This is where I'm certain I've made a mistake.  I responded (I know, I know) with what started off as trying to set boundaries but after rereading my response a few times, I was clearly trying to purge my anger.  I know better, it's a totally waste of time, they are NEVER going to get it.  Here is my response:

I have answered your questions, as you've asked them, and you cannot say the same. How have I not been helpful?  There is not one question that not only have I not answered, I have been very timely with my responses.  Oh, that's right - it's always about you and how you feel you've  been wronged, even when there is concrete evidence to prove just the opposite.   I feel all I owe you is to tell you the hard date, as soon as I have that.  I owe you nothing more. Nothing less.

This will be the LAST conversation I have with you, until I provide you with the date.  I will no longer be responding to any correspondence from you regarding this matter, or any other.  So listen up - read it out loud, print it out, do whatever you need to do that will help you to retain this information and to refrain from reaching out to me needlessly. 

You are correct.  I did not sign the lease, after viewing the condo, in person, on Monday afternoon.  It is not any of your business, but my reasoning was simple and very logical.  I really do not want to change schools on the boys.  I really do not want to climb 2 flights of stairs to get to my house, there is no yard for the boys to play in, and no place for me to store such things as bikes.  I will not be forced into a lease agreement and pay money on a place I dislike or that fails to meet my basic needs for the boys.  It's that simple.  Again, this is not any of your business, and I'm sure you will not even be able to see my reasoning or my logic, because of course, it's not yours.

I have located three properties that would appear to meet some of the basic needs.  I have not had a chance to view these yet, and as I stated on Friday the 21st.  You'll be the first person I notify.

In closing, thank you for the laugh today.  Only you can accuse me of lying, and contradict (exposing your lie) in the very same email?  You really are something very special.  Allow me to keep it real.  It has not even been 7 days since I started looking.  You're going to have to reign in your child-like "I must get it/have it/say it now in order to make myself feel better" tendencies under control or this could be a very long couple of weeks for you.

One last note, this was already pointed out on Friday, but I'll reiterate this one last time.  The boys and I will NOT be at your house while your parents are there nor would we do anything to disrupt your visit with them.  If you choose to postpone it, that's on you, and there is nothing that should be holding you back from having that conversation with them, since last Friday.  So let's be honest... . you're not interested, not one tiny little bit in providing your family any notice, or you would of told them on Friday the 21st, like you said you had already done. 

Now leave me alone and go back to watching whatever garbage tv show that you're entrenched in at the moment!

Help, am I the disordered one?

[NyGirl8]

I think back to the many "endings" and none of them were pretty.  Stress, hurt, and anger are at an all time high.

I also found that in each recycle... . especially this last one... . I had to make myself very clear that NONE of his behavior was acceptable and his actions and words hurt me more than he will ever be able to comprehend.  I said some hateful things on the way out.  Now I am very much into low contact (as we have kids together).  I have a handle on my anger and pain... . as long as he is not in my presence for too long (a kid exchange with no talking to him is all I can handle right now).  I do not speak to him and all communication is in emails or texts.  The communication is very much business like.  He keeps trying to engage me, it is getting easier to not respond as time goes on.

Good luck!  I hope you find a place soon!  That kind of stress is horrible to live in

[Murbay]

Blondie79, I don't believe for one moment you are the disordered person and completely understand where you are coming from in relation to some of your own actions. It can be very frustrating at times when dealing with someone who is disordered especially when they take no responsibility for their own actions and behaviour and see it as perfectly normal.

I can totally relate to some of your actions too because I wasn't proud of it and felt horrible too, but I too tried to fight fire with fire on a couple of occasions. The frustration does get the better of you when you are on the receiving end of insults, verbal abuse, rages etc... . to just rage back and mirroring their behaviour to "show" them what it feels like. Sadly, that's where the line stops because we do understand our actions and behaviour and feel horrible for doing so. Something they will never do and as I found out, they are quick to identify that it is wrong when we have done it but acceptable for them. Likewise, no matter what you do or say, they will always remember that one time you raged back or yelled but forget every time they have done it.

The fact you recognise it and how you feel about it sets you apart. The trouble with these types of relationships is that we do pick up fleas. Also, in a sense, we often have our own issues which we brought into the relationship and drew us in anyway. The key difference being that we are able to identify with that and at least do something about it to work on ourselves and that sets us apart from the disorder. Likewise, we have our own traits which can fall within the category too so there might be a chance 1 or 2 of those traits are similar as do most of us.

Right now, you are going through a stressful time with finding a place to live and also taking care of the children. It isn't an easy process and you are showing a lot of strength and courage with everything you are dealing with 

[DiamondSW]

No, you're not disordered but you are angry and fed up.

At least you didn't do what I did -I wrote her 2 or three really lovely letters telling her how beautiful she was, how talented she was and how she could do anything with her life.

Then I went to hospital with a complete breakdown.

I was so worried about 'her' and 'her feelings' that I'd totally missed the fact that her words and actions had truly broken me.  Totally took my eye off 'me'... .   with horrid and v sad consequences. 

I was soo in the FOG and soo worried about her crazyness and aloneness that I didn't even think of my physical or emotional needs.

Stay strong, keep up your boundaries and don't ever think you are disordered.  You're a human being who is having a tough time and has been badly let down by someone they trusted (even if that person is ill)... .   I personally don't believe BPD is 100% an 'excuse' for their behaviour... .   75% maybe, but not 100%

Take care you

[blondie79]

Thank you, everyone.  It’s been a very long week.  I’m just emotionally drained.  I think the realness of it all is finally sinking in, which of course has me very angry.  My children love him very much, but I know in my heart of hearts that I would be doing my boys zero favors and only causing them harm by staying.  I want to be able to serve as a role model to my children, and be in an unloving, abusive relationship is a direct contradiction to that wish.  I just can’t believe I ended up here, in this spot? I never would have thought this would have been me in a million years.  I’m a strong, intelligent woman and I’m so blown away at the my uBPD’s ability to successfully manipulate me the way he has – of course, I’m ultimately the one to blame, for staying, and for allowing another person to treat me this poorly.

I’m sure as the days and weeks tick by, I will need more support.  I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone, and that I’m not losing my mind. *phew* 

[LettingGo14]

No, you're not disordered but you are angry and fed up.

At least you didn't do what I did -I wrote her 2 or three really lovely letters telling her how beautiful she was, how talented she was and how she could do anything with her life.

Then I went to hospital with a complete breakdown.

I was so worried about 'her' and 'her feelings' that I'd totally missed the fact that her words and actions had truly broken me.  Totally took my eye off 'me'... .   with horrid and v sad consequences. 

I was soo in the FOG and soo worried about her crazyness and aloneness that I didn't even think of my physical or emotional needs.

Stay strong, keep up your boundaries and don't ever think you are disordered.  You're a human being who is having a tough time and has been badly let down by someone they trusted (even if that person is ill)... .   I personally don't believe BPD is 100% an 'excuse' for their behaviour... .   75% maybe, but not 100%

Take care you

Diamond,  I want you to know that what you wrote brought me to tears.  You are brave.  You are strong.  And I applaud you for sharing like you do.

I truly felt so alone before I found these boards.  I felt crazy and insane.   I just wanted out of the cycle.   

I found a language here I could understand (e.g., the FOG).   And I put the spotlight back on myself, and accepted that I had needs which were not met.

Thank you for writing what you wrote.  It gives me strength.

[DiamondSW]

Oh no... . I didn't mean to put you in tears LettingGo... .

I saw my T today and again she made me realise that I have GOT to stop thinking of others before me.  You've got to do the same.

I've been in tears too tonight and I'm really scared about my future because my ex has really taken all of my confidence -which for a teacher, is career closure.  But I'm not giving up.

My poor T even told me to call her at midnight if I need to, anything to keep trying and not give up.  She's so lovely. 

Please know that you're not NOT not and not again the disordered one.  I think that statement is their final calling card, the kind of 'destroy' statement.  I remember her telling me I needed to see a therapist, that I was unsuccessful, indeed she made me feel utterly worthless.  But you know what?  Today my T asked me about my teaching career -8 years in schools.  I told her a little anacdote that one year I was given so much wine and so many boxes of chocolates that I couldn't fit it all in the boot of my car.  It was an astronomical amount of gifts. 

I may be depressed (yes), heartbroken (yes), distraught and hurting (yes), even despairing (certainly), but I'm not disordered and nor are you.  I'm sensitive, I'm too kind for my own good, and maybe I'm immature for my mid 30's, but I'm not her and I'm not cruel (even if it is just the illness talking). 

Tomorrow is a new day, I glad today's over, but as my T said 'your life is too precious.  Don't waste it because of her'... .   my T also said 'I'm worried about you'... .   (something my ex never said) 

I know you, I, and my T are not disordered BECAUSE we have such feelings, such emotions, and inherent kindness.  For that, I'm hurting now, but I'm grateful.  I wouldn't want to be BPD and live that life. 

[LettingGo14]

Oh no... . I didn't mean to put you in tears LettingGo... .

The tears were good ones, for sure.  I thought what you wrote was very brave. 

I may be depressed (yes), heartbroken (yes), distraught and hurting (yes), even despairing (certainly), but I'm not disordered and nor are you.  I'm sensitive, I'm too kind for my own good, and maybe I'm immature for my mid 30's, but I'm not her and I'm not cruel (even if it is just the illness talking). 

Again:  Brave.  You are getting healthy.  It's definitely darkest before dawn.

Thanks for writing and sharing.