How would she feel?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Dear all,

Think i've made 4 or 5 posts here in 48hrs... . been struggling lots, but THANK YOU for your kind responses.  They have really helped in tough, very tough moments.

Today I went to work and walked past the BT Tower again, but this time no panic attack or tears, made it home safely.  BPDexgf in my mind but not crippling me like yesterday.

Anyway, tomorrow I see my T and want to discuss my emotions of seeing her on Sunday completely by chance in church.

Recap:  I left the service to use the restroom and there she was in the foyer.  She walked towards me, got 3m away and then recognised me (don't think she meant to walk my way t initiate anything, pure coincidence), our eyes locked for 2 seconds, then I literally put one foot infront of the other, turned my back and walked out fast from the building. 

It's been 4mths NC and 5mths since the split and I'm no where near ready to speak to her, indeed I don't think I want to/may never want to.  I care about her deeply because I know of all the sexual abuse, her loneliness and depression, but I think guilt was as much to play as love regarding my feelings in the last few weeks/months.

Anyway, enough... .   how do you think my actions made her feel?  Would she care?  I mean, she really showed no value to my life at all... .

Looking forward to seeing my lovely T tomorrow... . 2pm roll on!

[DiamondSW]

Dear all,

Think i've made 4 or 5 posts here in 48hrs... . been struggling lots, but THANK YOU for your kind responses.  They have really helped in tough, very tough moments.

Today I went to work and walked past the BT Tower again, but this time no panic attack or tears, made it home safely.  BPDexgf in my mind but not crippling me like yesterday.

Anyway, tomorrow I see my T and want to discuss my emotions of seeing her on Sunday completely by chance in church.

Recap:  I left the service to use the restroom and there she was in the foyer.  She walked towards me, got 3m away and then recognised me (don't think she meant to walk my way t initiate anything, pure coincidence), our eyes locked for 2 seconds, then I literally put one foot infront of the other, turned my back and walked out fast from the building. 

It's been 4mths NC and 5mths since the split and I'm no where near ready to speak to her, indeed I don't think I want to/may never want to.  I care about her deeply because I know of all the sexual abuse, her loneliness and depression, but I think guilt was as much to play as love regarding my feelings in the last few weeks/months.

Anyway, enough... .   how do you think my actions made her feel?  Would she care?  I mean, she really showed no value to my life at all... .

Looking forward to seeing my lovely T tomorrow... . 2pm roll on!

[GuiltHaunted]

Do you hope for reconciliation? Do you hope, that she would call you up and say "seeing you in the church made me realize I made a mistake"?

It's no shame if this is how you feel. I still hope so, after almost 10 months. I think that is what detachment is all about, to give up hope and longing. I think I will never be indifferent, as many other define it.

[DiamondSW]

oh goodness no.

The LAST thing I want is a recycle!  NO WAY

I'm just wondering... .   well tbh, I'm wondering if she has ANY feelings at all!  Maybe a part of me would like to provoke some feelings in her, I feel like she 'got away' with her nasty words and actions... . would be nice to know she hurts in some way

I did end up on suicide watch!  Not much fun... .  

[fromheeltoheal]

Ouch!  I'm sorry that happened Diamond.  A relationship with a borderline is characterized by "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships", and those can end up being very cruel and hurtful, both ways if it goes that far.

Borderlines feel everything strongly, since they don't have an ability to self-soothe, and if the feelings are negative, one way to deal with it is off them on someone else, you.  That has everything to do with her feelings and nothing to do with you, well it might have something to do with you depending on what happened between you, you decide.

She hurts in lots of ways; the disorder is a living hell, which is why the suicide rate among borderlines is far greater than average.

Running into her is actually a good way to see how you're doing with your detachment.  You've got a way to go and it's good you're seeing your T tomorrow.  Is your detachment going as planned, or can you do something differently?

[GuiltHaunted]

The LAST thing I want is a recycle!

Ok, then... .

how do you think my actions made her feel?

... . I think it made her feel nothing, or if anything "why is that idiot running away from me".

After 8 months (over x-mas), I got a greeting from my ex, which caused me to spill my gut once-again-again-again, about what I felt. In the ensuing telephone conversation (that ended with my request for her NEVER to contact me again), she said "but it's soo long ago?".

Probably, if your ex was 5 months with you replacement, she sees it as "soo long ago" too. Think of someone that had a crush on you in school. If you met that person today, and they turned around on their heel and ran away. What would you think of that person?

Forgive her and move on (easier said than done, I am still trying myself).

[ogopogodude]

It's been 4mths NC and 5mths since the split and I'm no where near ready to speak to her, indeed I don't think I want to/may never want to.  I care about her deeply because I know of all the sexual abuse, her loneliness and depression, but I think guilt was as much to play as love regarding my feelings in the last few weeks/months.

Diamond, ... this part of your story concerns me…. you care about her because you know all about her past sexual abuse, and her loneliness & depression... ? This isn't really a good basis for a stable relationship. You sound like you care for her out of pity. But what do I know, … I am still  going thru stuff myself with my ex.

I am quite proud of you for going on almost 1/2 a year without contact. That is quite an accomplishment.  Keep that up. I am almost right behind you in terms of my NC with my ex. But I have to thank a restraining order (that my lawyer got for me) for getting me this far….

Oh. … I like your way of putting things…. "I feel like she got away with her nasty words & actions" which is what all of us non-BPD's feel … this is why we are all here actually.

And, yes, ... she does hurt inside. BPD's always hurt emotionally inside, … but they lash out at everybody else in the mean time, usually without even knowing it.

Best thing for you is to continue with your no contact.

BTW, when you looked in to her eye and locked in for that brief minute… i have been there done that and it can be a nice feeling, … but it is also a dangerous thing, too.  It is a lure of the fisherman/woman trying to get you to take the bait on the hook.

[GuiltHaunted]

... . I want to add to my previous post, that I didn't mean to be hurtful, but rather direct.

I feel like she 'got away' with her nasty words and actions... . would be nice to know she hurts in some way

I feel the same too. That there is no justice. Why is it "soo long ago" for her, when I still think about her all the time after 10 months.

The answer the obvious; because we don't have BPD.

She hurts in lots of ways; the disorder is a living hell, which is why the suicide rate among borderlines is far greater than average.

This should be enough justice... . And we should be happy not having to participate or trying to sort her problems out. We deserve someone who will have our back too... . She will never have your back (other that on a superficial level perhaps), because she if far too busy dealing with her own problems.

[DiamondSW]

Thank you guys for your responses which are varied, sensibe and also honest. 

I just would love to know what she's feeling... .  

maybe I just want 10 seconds to hug her, and then walk away permanently... . Or a final way to know that she's not being sexually abused any more or wasting her talents... .

urgh, god I'm spouting rubbish... this isn't my problem!  so confused still. 

[living in the past]

 Hi, just reading this thread,i know from reading here there is never any closure,you shoud be proud of yourself,i know its hard ,yet i think you sound good,I'm only 5 days nc and still dealing with being undecided(pwBPD is a friend)i think thats easier than person being a gf,but still very hard,ended up in therapy myself,just tring to get through friendship with pwBPD,one day at a time ,fromheeltoheal you always are so helpfull to me when i run across your post or reply,and you don"t even know it ,thank everyone for posting here.