Manipulation and Blaming wears you down

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What a few weeks it has been. Quick recap on my situation. I have told my husband (DBPD) I want a divorce. That was 4 months ago but here is the kicker, we are still living under the same roof because we are overseas due to my military work commitments with 2 children in the middle. He is not working, he wont go home and leave the kids and I understand that so we have decided to try and stick it out knowing that we are 'separated' and divorcing as soon as we get home. We do not spend time together socially and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 12 months now already.

He has gone through periods of acceptance to anger. Right now he is off medication and has decided he is tired of Dialetic therapy. So I feel like I am back in the washing machine getting rung out while trying to keep some kind of stable environment for my children. We do go to counseling sessions together for the sake of the children but the last few have felt like a waste of time with no forward progress. He is so stuck in his self pity and the hurtful comments I made a year ago. He is just so angry right now. He hates my guts right now.

Last night I put the kids to bed and needed to get out and see one of my girlfriends. I couldn't stand a night of silence and the sulking. I told him I would be back in a few hours. He asked if I was seeing anyone and if I was then even though we are separated that would be disrespectful (i'm not btw). He told me that if I am going to spend any time with male friends then he has a right to know. So I was left questioning myself. I have male and female friends, they have been may sanity especially over the last 3 years. I do not see why at this point I should have to tell him where I'm going or what I'm doing. He is just trying to control, is he not?

So as the pattern goes with me. I later question myself. 'was I unfair saying that'? 'Should I be telling him about who I see and where I go'? Second guessing myself and getting sucked into the manipulation. So draining.

Anyway I've decided that No I don't need to tell him. He never tells me how he spends the 8 hours he has to himself every day. I am just going to stand my ground and shut the conversation down. I don't owe him anything at this point.

[Newbeginnings1]

What a few weeks it has been. Quick recap on my situation. I have told my husband (DBPD) I want a divorce. That was 4 months ago but here is the kicker, we are still living under the same roof because we are overseas due to my military work commitments with 2 children in the middle. He is not working, he wont go home and leave the kids and I understand that so we have decided to try and stick it out knowing that we are 'separated' and divorcing as soon as we get home. We do not spend time together socially and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 12 months now already.

He has gone through periods of acceptance to anger. Right now he is off medication and has decided he is tired of Dialetic therapy. So I feel like I am back in the washing machine getting rung out while trying to keep some kind of stable environment for my children. We do go to counseling sessions together for the sake of the children but the last few have felt like a waste of time with no forward progress. He is so stuck in his self pity and the hurtful comments I made a year ago. He is just so angry right now. He hates my guts right now.

Last night I put the kids to bed and needed to get out and see one of my girlfriends. I couldn't stand a night of silence and the sulking. I told him I would be back in a few hours. He asked if I was seeing anyone and if I was then even though we are separated that would be disrespectful (i'm not btw). He told me that if I am going to spend any time with male friends then he has a right to know. So I was left questioning myself. I have male and female friends, they have been may sanity especially over the last 3 years. I do not see why at this point I should have to tell him where I'm going or what I'm doing. He is just trying to control, is he not?

So as the pattern goes with me. I later question myself. 'was I unfair saying that'? 'Should I be telling him about who I see and where I go'? Second guessing myself and getting sucked into the manipulation. So draining.

Anyway I've decided that No I don't need to tell him. He never tells me how he spends the 8 hours he has to himself every day. I am just going to stand my ground and shut the conversation down. I don't owe him anything at this point.

[ogopogodude]

Anyway I've decided that No I don't need to tell him. He never tells me how he spends the 8 hours he has to himself every day. I am just going to stand my ground and shut the conversation down. I don't owe him anything at this point.

This will anger him even more. So, just talk calmly to him. Even write a note on paper about what you are doing, where you are going.

It is the civilized thing to do.



Just a thought... .

[Tausk]

Hi NB:

I'm sorry for your difficulties and pain.  I can't imagine.  I don't have any direction suggestions other than to read the board as much as possible on how to defuse the situation.  

Depersonalize the interactions.  :)on't lose your temper.  And establish boundaries that you feel are best for the situation.   There are many wise people on this board.  

Are you seeing your own therapist?  If not, I'd definitely recommend that course of action. We all need a vent, a place of validation, and an impartial third party to provide guidance in what they are hearing from us.

You hang in there.

T