Gifts are a way of control you?

[afdezm]

I'd like to ask you if you think when your ex  give you a gif "selflessly" was a way to control you.

Sorry for my english.

[growing_wings]

hi afdezm,

I am not sure how to answer this question. So better to share my experience:

I gave a lot of gifts to my ex, and in return she gave me a lot gifts too , but I dont think her intention was to control me.  i think we have each other gifts because we wanted to shaer and we were happy back then

the only thing that happened, is when things got a bit bitter, she would say she gives and gives and i couldnt give in return, so she kind of threw it at my face that she was always giving me something (even tho i always gave her lots of stuff too!), but i think that this could happen in a non BPD r/s too.

why do you ask this question? can you share abit of the background or thought process behind the question?

[afdezm]

I think as they do nothing selflessly giving a gift is a form of control, or after a big discussion with us.

The problem is that a friend tell me he saw on FB as my exBPDgf gave a gift to his new victim. And it made me remember when she gave them to me. Always was after a big discussion or to I stay more time in the r/s.

[growing_wings]

yeah, i see where you are coming from.

how long have you been out of hte r/s? are you NC now?

[afdezm]

I'm out since September after 3,5 years, then she found the new victim and triangulated with me until December where she's gone to live with him. I was in NC one month. 3 weeks ago I met her at a club in Barcelona, ​​I talked to her. The new victim is a jealous stupid guy, and he  started pushing me and said me: come on left. I tried talking to him but he continued to push me. Finally I had to hit him.

After this incident, she started to send me some messages like "oo im sorry for the other night", " i have feelings for you that i dont have for this guy, bla bla" bullhit.

I was ok one week ago, but this last days im feeling really bad. Because its so difficult to assume as she could change me for this stupid and jealous type with no personality, just because it represented a safe option.  I know she is already screams and insults him, but he dont have strong personality and I imagine that he resists all trash. I know it's not my problem, but sometimes torture me.

This disorder is bullhit.

Sorry another time for my english! i have to improve my skills.

[halfnelson]

Just cut her off and don't look back. She's with someone else, let him deal with it. It's not your problem anymore.

As for the gifts, don't worry about that either. If people give gifts to get something in return, they are not good people. I give gifts because I like to give my friends things when I think of them. But I don't do it a lot because I don't want them to think I'm trying for something in return. It's just to show I'm thinking about people I care about.

But like I said firstly, just cut her off. There are lots of pretty girls out there who don't have issues!

[Kifazes]

Mine would always give me a gift that was worth in money, what he wanted from me.

So when he got me a 400€ phone, I knew he wanted a 400€ Playstation 4. The price tag he put on mine, was the price tag he himself wanted.

So in my experience: yes. It was a from of control. To control what he could get from me.

[seeking balance]

On the surface - gifts might simply be a nice way to show love/caring.

Looking deeper - when a pwBPD may be feeling "abandoned" - gifts may be a way to hold the attachment... . we don't know and they likely don't know their motivations either.

I'd like to ask you if you think when your ex  give you a gif "selflessly" was a way to control you.

Sorry for my english.

The real important part - you felt controlled by them, right?

What part of receiving a gift made you feel obligated?

[Ironmanrises]

For me it was. I was given an iPad mini when my exUBPgf came back into my life for round 2(she never brought me anything prior to that) and had my name engraved on it with a a personal message engraved right underneath "Just because... . " When she discarded me at the end of round 2(12 days after my birthday), she didn't get me anything for my birthday, literally. Not even a ___ing card. Just reflected to me that the gift she had once given to me "Just because" was to reel me in(she knows how sentimental I am). It was her way of controlling me until she discarded me.

[afdezm]

What part of receiving a gift made you feel obligated?[/quote]
When we get angry gifts are used as a weapon. Like, "How can you say this after I've spent so much money?, all my efforts have been for nothing." 

Guilt.

[monkeyman]

During the devaluing stage, right after we broke up:  She canceled plans to see each other on Christmas day, and hadn't gotten me a gift in return anyways.  She could tell I was very sad, so she agreed to meet me briefly the next day.  Tried to pass off some random things as gifts, tried to pass off her parents' gift to me as from her, and told me something was on it's way in the mail (this is when I still believed her lies  ).

So in my experience, gifts from her were not very common, though she was willing to pay for some stuff and was pretty fair about splitting meals. At the end, gifts were just another thing to avoid as she plunged headfirst into a new relationship while not having the courage to let me know.

[GreenMango]

Afdezm

Some people have a love language expressed by the giving and receiving of material gifts.  Other people may have a different language ... . like words of affirmation, etc.

It sounds like you felt controlled or guilted by the gifts.  

There are members who have said they felt like after all they've done or all the things they've given their partner the person doesn't appreciate it or them.  I'm sure the other person with BPD could possibly feel guilted or obligated too.

Feeling unappreciated or obligated in a relationship isn't a good feeling.

have you checked out the detachment lessons over on the right hand margin of this page?  Which step do you think you might be on?

[State85]

My first christmas with my exgf, she bought and spent more than 5 times what I bought and spent on her. There was literally 15 presents I had to open. At the time I though how nice and caring this was, how she really cared.

Not long after ending this r/s, she would bring up (or thrown in my face) all the things she bought me... . and how I didn't buy her anything. Well I did buy her things, just not as much as her. She would constantly mention the amount of money she spent on me. These were things I asked her not to buy because she really couldn't afford them. But this would not stop her.

As far as it being controlling. I say yes.

[monkeyman]

My first christmas with my exgf, she bought and spent more than 5 times what I bought and spent on her. There was literally 15 presents I had to open. At the time I though how nice and caring this was, how she really cared.

Not long after ending this r/s, she would bring up (or thrown in my face) all the things she bought me... . and how I didn't buy her anything. Well I did buy her things, just not as much as her. She would constantly mention the amount of money she spent on me. These were things I asked her not to buy because she really couldn't afford them. But this would not stop her.

As far as it being controlling. I say yes.

hit, this makes me feel kinda bad, because I would bring up how I moved out of my parents' so that we could share a space together (which was true.)  And she always felt very pressured by this.

But I was really just trying to get her to pitch in at least a third in rent because I was not able to afford it, and she could have easily helped out that much. She didn't pitch in.  I couldn't afford it after several months.  I ended up having to move back in with my parents, and that created many obvious obstacles.  So when I look bad, I think it was just a big misunderstanding because she has literally had everything handed to her, and doesn't even understand the concept of pitching in on rent.

[GreenMango]

This misunderstanding can be in any relationship.  Love language, or differing ones, and an imbalance in the giving or the mutual sharing daily rigors of a relationship can muddy any relationship.

A lot of it has to do with how the couple mutually handles things like communicating needs and expectations, etc.  

There is a lot of folklore about people with BPD sometimes.  Sometimes the dysfunction or hurt from the relationship is so strong it's easy to look for anything that points at something as part of the disorder, or some sinister underlying aspect of manipulation.  

There can be some confusion about BPD.  Heres a video from one of most repected clinicians in the field explaining the disorder in a very interesting way:

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/05/bpdfamily.html?m=1


Hopefully learning more about the disorder can help dispell some of the myths and also help to depersonalize this.  It feels really personal and it's not easy.  Looking at the detaching steps from the lessons on the right margin - steps 2 and 3 are are part of this.