This has to get better

[buddy1226]

My friends and family don't understand why I'm not over her. I don't either actually. I hate this. I wake up every day dreading the day. Feeling like this. Missing her so bad I can't stand it. I'm a broken record here, I know. It's as if being with her was better than this.

She was awful to me. She trumped up false charges, drank and took pills daily, abusive in every way. The thing is, there were times when we were perfect. Like I knew this was the person I was supposed to be with. She felt that too. I think even now she does but she has gone too far with everything to go back.

I know everyone tells me it will get better. I guess it will. I almost broke NC today and can't swear that I won't. I need help. I go to meetings, pray, all that stuff and it seems to be getting worse.

[Turkish]

My friends and family don't understand why I'm not over her. I don't either actually. I hate this. I wake up every day dreading the day. Feeling like this. Missing her so bad I can't stand it. I'm a broken record here, I know. It's as if being with her was better than this.

She was awful to me. She trumped up false charges, drank and took pills daily, abusive in every way. The thing is, there were times when we were perfect. Like I knew this was the person I was supposed to be with. She felt that too. I think even now she does but she has gone too far with everything to go back.

I know everyone tells me it will get better. I guess it will. I almost broke NC today and can't swear that I won't. I need help. I go to meetings, pray, all that stuff and it seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry, buddy. It doesn't help when we have non-empathetic people in our lives. No one knows what you are going through. One friend at work said, "just forget abou her!" He doesn't get it. Even my friends who have been super supportive got sick of me talking about BPD, so I don't anymore. Though all of us here can relate, we don't know what is going on inside of you either. No one really does except ourselves. Is it feasible for you to talk to a counselor? I found mine immensely supportive throughout my detachment. What kind of meetings do you go to?

[cosmonaut]

I think you need to keep the focus firmly on yourself, buddy.  Every time you think of your ex, tell yourself it's over and you are moving on.  Assume you will never see or speak with her again.  Do this every time!  It's hard at first, but this is truly helping me to let go.  It is critical to begin detaching, because we can't begin to heal until we do.  Believe me, I know how hard this is.  There are days I would give anything just to have 30 seconds with her again.  There's days too when I wish I'd never even met her at all.  Ultimately, however, I've had to accept that I'm in the situation I'm in.  I fell in love with a pwBPD.  It's a miserable, nasty, hellish fix of a place to be, but the reality is that's where you and I are.  The only way out is to accept that our ex's are truly gone forever and that our fairytale romances were just that - a fairytale.  They never truly existed.  That's the grim reality, buddy.  We fell for a dream, and like all dreams it ended.  Keep laser focused on yourself.  Don't let her win, buddy.  Don't let her destroy you.  Don't let her ruin your life.  There is life beyond her - a better life.  Reach out and take it!  It's yours!  You deserve it!

The article about ten beliefs that can get you stuck when your relationship with a pwBPD ends has been very important to me.  I keep reading it and trying to accept it.  I know it's speaking the truth.  Have you been reading it too?  It's deep stuff.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Hang in there, buddy!  Keep posting.  Focus on you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi buddy, In my view, a BPD r/s has an addictive quality to it.  We stay in them even though we know that a r/s with a pwBPD is not the right thing for us and in some cases is destroying our lives (read: mine).  Likewise, I suggest that you are going through withdrawal symptoms, again somewhat similar to a recovering addict. I've been in your shoes, believe me.   Agree w/cosmonaut that it helps to keep the focus on yourself.  Is it possible for you to just sit with your feelings and observe them, without judging or feeling compelled to do anything in particular?  The key to your recovery, I think, is gaining an understanding as to why you ended up in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hang in, Lucky Jim

[seeking balance]

The article about ten beliefs that can get you stuck when your relationship with a pwBPD ends has been very important to me.  I keep reading it and trying to accept it.  I know it's speaking the truth.  Have you been reading it too?  It's deep stuff.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Hang in there, buddy!  Keep posting.  Focus on you!

I printed this article and carried it around.  Whenever I felt like you do right now Buddy, I could directly identify one of the false beliefs.

Read the article - which of the 10 False Beliefs have you stuck right now?  Talk about it here.

[winston72]

Hey Buddy... . "This has to get better."  It does.  Really, it does.  Really.

My progression to feeling better (consciously avoiding "healing" or other such terms because when I felt/feel like you are now I didn't care about being healthy, I just wanted the turmoil and anxiety and longing to end and for me to feel better) took a long time.  I don't think I did a great job of healing.  I suffered for a year or so before finding this site last May.  But, it gets better.  You will get better.  You don't have to be particularly "good" at the process... . you just have to try... . that is my observation of myself.

Perplexing how attached we became to such a source of turmoil.  No wonder, I suppose, when I read your description of your relationship being both "abusive" and "perfect".  I think that describes a pretty charged engagement that runs to the extremes in both directions.  One would have to conclude that such an experience creates a bond that is not sustainable and then is painful to untangle.  Simply stated, all of the other psycho-dynamics aside, that is enough to mess anyone up and require sustained recovery.

Hang in there, keep on striving, it gets better.

[Changingman]

Buddy it IS addiction,

I literally sat at work sweating out the feelings with a towel by me, I was so bad I eventually lost my job, new people thought I was on heroin or recovering from it, or drinking heavily. The irony was I couldn't drink or do drugs as I had been with my ex, I knew it would be the end of me, i could hardly talk, a dark hole had replaced my personality, I had become BPD. The pain was indescribable, no one could truly understand it. I couldn't understand it, the FOG was not a metaphor it was real, each awareness pealed another layer of pain. I'd been abused? My ex was a collector of chefs kitchen knives, wouldn't let me use them ( Narsisistic snobbery ). I looked behind me and saw everyone sticking out my back, I went home looked at them and spent 2 hours taking all the metal blades down to near zero, they could never be sharpened again.

This is a serious illness and I would advise extreme caution for your health, lord the way I felt for those 2 months was so crazy I almost understand her self medicating and acting out.


Take your time, eat properly, light exercise, small steps everyday away from yesterday.

Today is your Birthday, happy Christmas, being born again does not happen overnight even nature takes 9 months ( ten lunar months )

This is indeed a spiritual journey

No contact with the Hungry Ghosts

Good luck fellow traveler, God speed

[winston72]

Hey Buddy... . like SB, I read and reread the 10 False Beliefs over and over.  They are super helpful to me now.  I was thinking this morning how still in the recesses of my heart and mind I believe I will never be as happy with a woman as I was with my ex... . she holds the key to my happiness!  Wrong.

Identifying these traits really helped me to identify the sources of the pain and stagnation... . and therefore to get on top of it.

Eager to hear what is impairing you right now... .

[Conundrum]

It sounds like what's tearing you apart is being stuck in limbo--which in many ways is remaining in the bargaining stage. It's an emotional purgatory where one neither moves forward, nor back. It's not a good place to stay in, because it maintains a debilitating status quo--alienation from the self. The self doesn't want to go to that painful place beyond bargaining, therefore rumination becomes an internal method for keeping the nexus with the pwBPD alive within. 

The bargaining stage keeps us clinging to desire (even when unhealthy). Respecting the self means one has to clearly perceive whether any of those desires (our hopes, wishes, and expectations) are reality based and beneficial to the self. No one can determine that for you.

Personally, I don't think it's necessary to disrespect your marriage and categorize it as illusory to progress. It was real, but it was with a mentally ill woman. Still, there exists strong anecdotal evidence from this board supporting the premise--that attempting to maintain a functional long-term committed relationship with a pwBPD (at a certain point) enters the death spiral stage--and one must emotionally eject to preserve one's being--truly a survival mechanism. Whether you choose to bargain with her, in hopes of reaching some sort of satisfactory relational arrangement is entirely personal to you--but remaining in limbo is a soul killer. Maybe you need to ask yourself--what do I want, vs. what can I have? Is there any middle-ground and do you truly want to go there?

[Witchway]

Great advice, as of today they will be carried with me at all times.

[Clearmind]

These relationships tend to open up some of our core wounds which existed before our partners came along. Often the grief we feel are our own issues resurfacing, being ignited rather than something to do with our ex.

Keep the focus on you - explore the reasons innate in you that attracted you to a pwBPD, why you ignored the red flags and why you stayed.

Answers lie within. Many of us have grown up in dysfunctional homes, alcoholic or BPD parents/parents with traits, invalidating childhoods etc - we each need to find our reasons.

[Perfidy]

Hey buddy, It is understandable. I experienced the same kind of feelings that you are having now. I also got together with a very broken girl. Drugs and mental illness. She drank too but her DOC was meth. Pills too. Irrational and immature. Anger, rages, violence. I wanted it to end if it couldn't get better. When it finally did end I had a meltdown. Reduced to nothing. Wore out my family and friends with it. Should have been doing the happy dance but became deeply depressed. Suicidal thoughts. I understand. Never experienced anything like it in my life.

It's better now. Been almost a year since the split. Counseling, support, crying, and time have been the main elements of my recovery from this. I said the exact same thing that you did. It has to get better, and it did. It's not perfect, but it is better. What others have said in reply to your post cannot be stressed enough. Focus on the self. Learn about the self as much as you possibly can. In understanding your self you will understand others too. Learn about how thought, feeling, and behavior are related. Know that we can have feeling and not act on it, letting feeling control our behavior. I believe that having thoughts that are incongruous with reality are the sole source of our emotional suffering and discomfort. Let's do the happy dance. It will get better. If you are proactive in your healing it will get better sooner. Everyone is different. We share similar experiences but the road to healing is individual for each of us. It's our lives that I'm talking about. I know it's not easy, but it's the hard times and how we solve tough problems that define us. Strength and love. Perfidy.

[buddy1226]

Thanks guys. It gets a little better after I post and go to a meeting (AA). The same principals are applied to this situation as a drug/alcohol problem and most problems for that matter.

I guess this is addiction. Lonleliness too. Honestly I feel like we are going against the will of the universe. That we are supposed to be together. That the problems we had are fixable... . if she would just... .

I've told her that. Both of our lives have spiraled since the separation. She is miserable. I don't know if there is a replacement yet. I'm actually looking forward to a recycle attempt.

I know. I've lost it today. I'm just sick to death of grieving her when I know she is going through the same. Tired of playing this game. She wins if I contact. That will be the relief she needs to move forward to the next time.

I just don't know anymore. Surrender has to come soon.

[seeking balance]

Thanks guys. It gets a little better after I post and go to a meeting (AA). The same principals are applied to this situation as a drug/alcohol problem and most problems for that matter.

I guess this is addiction. Lonleliness too. Honestly I feel like we are going against the will of the universe. That we are supposed to be together. That the problems we had are fixable... . if she would just... .

I've told her that. Both of our lives have spiraled since the separation. She is miserable. I don't know if there is a replacement yet. I'm actually looking forward to a recycle attempt.

I know. I've lost it today. I'm just sick to death of grieving her when I know she is going through the same. Tired of playing this game. She wins if I contact. That will be the relief she needs to move forward to the next time.

I just don't know anymore. Surrender has to come soon.

Buddy - can you indulge Winston and me and go to article 9 - Read it.

What False Beliefs were keeping you stuck when you posted this?

[Paul M]

Hey buddy

I had an intense romance with my ex gf. She told me a few days b4b4 she dumped me how to took an overdose a couple year ago when with her ex, got put on anti-depressants lost her job her friends the lot. She was so upset. I believe she panicked and left me because if it.

She was never abusive as such but emotionally I never knew where I was at. She hated drunk men she was so harsh and stubborn and told me she had no sympathy for men at all. She was a man hater!

We was in love we done everything met each other's fAmily.talked about future. Kids names.4 year plans sex was amazing it was a dream.

This dream turned into a nightmare. I have struggled for couple weeks and still am. I think she BPD. She would never admit it. I think she's scared of love because she was so hurt b4 and don't want it to happen again.

When she dumped me I got mad told her to never talk to me again. I ain't spoke to her yet. Absence makes the heart grow older with these people. It's unreal. But you have to try tell yourself there's no way back! Even if you did it would only bring more hurt.

I no how bad it is. It's so hard man. I can't stop thinking of her. I'm hoping time helps. All my fan say it was only couple months man up! They ain't used to me being weak. I'm normally the strong one.

Hang in there keep strong

[LettingGo14]

My friends and family don't understand why I'm not over her. I don't either actually. I hate this. I wake up every day dreading the day. Feeling like this. Missing her so bad I can't stand it. I'm a broken record here, I know. It's as if being with her was better than this.

She was awful to me. She trumped up false charges, drank and took pills daily, abusive in every way. The thing is, there were times when we were perfect. Like I knew this was the person I was supposed to be with. She felt that too. I think even now she does but she has gone too far with everything to go back.

I know everyone tells me it will get better. I guess it will. I almost broke NC today and can't swear that I won't. I need help. I go to meetings, pray, all that stuff and it seems to be getting worse.

Buddy -- I hear you.  I had 4 years of pain.  And it was too long.   And I regret not letting go sooner.   But, that said, there's no silver bullet.   And, truly, the more we feel bad about it, the more it increases.    Here are some of the things that helped me "cool & calm" my brain.

1. Book:  "Wisdom of a Broken Heart" by Susan Piver (audio version)

2. Book:  "Three-Minute Therapy" by Michael Edelstein (REBT techniques)

3. Book:  "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron (audio version)

4. Book:  "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach (audio version)

[seeking balance]

1. Book:  "Wisdom of a Broken Heart" by Susan Piver (audio version)

2. Book:  "Three-Minute Therapy" by Michael Edelstein (REBT techniques)

3. Book:  "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron (audio version)

4. Book:  "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach (audio version)

Impressive list LettingGo 

[buddy1226]

Okay SB and Winston,

#2. I do believe she feels the same as me. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago she was a wreck. Crying and telling how she loved and missed me. The next day she was back to telling me we were over and being very mean. I know this is because she has gone too far and cannot turn back.

#6. The words that were said. Look, I've been around the block a few times and know when someone is sincere and not and my ex is a manipulator and great with words. But there were times when I know she was being completely sincere and I know i'm the love of her life. When she was here a few weeks ago she said something to the effect of moving on and living with the pain of us being apart. That bothers me. Why should we?

#8. She admitted to having this telepathic thing that I eluded to about knowing when the other is thinking about each other. I know she is grieving. I now she misses me. She can't tell her family because sher has made up lies and threw me under the bus so bad that they would wsh their hands if she did.

Her kid and I loved each other. this has to be hard on him. His father fanned the flames because he was jealous. He can no come over and hang anytime. He didn't like me. He was triangulated with us.

I know I'm crazy to miss her. I'm just trying to untangle this mess. Life was better with her. Better than this anyway

[seeking balance]

Okay SB and Winston,

#2. I do believe she feels the same as me. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago she was a wreck. Crying and telling how she loved and missed me. The next day she was back to telling me we were over and being very mean. I know this is because she has gone too far and cannot turn back.

#6. The words that were said. Look, I've been around the block a few times and know when someone is sincere and not and my ex is a manipulator and great with words. But there were times when I know she was being completely sincere and I know i'm the love of her life. When she was here a few weeks ago she said something to the effect of moving on and living with the pain of us being apart. That bothers me. Why should we?

#8. She admitted to having this telepathic thing that I eluded to about knowing when the other is thinking about each other. I know she is grieving. I now she misses me. She can't tell her family because sher has made up lies and threw me under the bus so bad that they would wsh their hands if she did.

2 & 6 were my hardest to reconcile too.  Literally every time I was struggling, those were the ones that had me... . this is where learning the facts about BPD as a disorder helped me to detach.  Logic wasn't enough, I needed to understand real facts of the mental illness.

Question for you - do you "buy" the false beliefs as real?

Her kid and I loved each other. this has to be hard on him. His father fanned the flames because he was jealous. He can no come over and hang anytime. He didn't like me. He was triangulated with us.

I know I'm crazy to miss her. I'm just trying to untangle this mess. Life was better with her. Better than this anyway

You are not crazy at all - if it were all bad, we wouldn't have stayed.  And right now, in the pain you are in, not having those glimpses of fun and hope, it is downright hard.

The kid component - you are grieving too attachments buddy - please keep that in mind.  Kids are pure love and losing that must add to an already hurt heart 

Be gentle with yourself as you grieve.

Peace,

SB

[LettingGo14]

I know I'm crazy to miss her. I'm just trying to untangle this mess. Life was better with her. Better than this anyway

Buddy -- there's a quote that says, "You are the sky.  Everything else is just the weather."

You are in the midst of an emotional storm right now.  Please be kind to yourself.  From my own experience, especially in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), I imagined that "life was better with her" too.

I was stuck.   I was hunkered down in the storm.  And I thought she was the ONLY answer.

Life became better when I calmed my anxiety, let go of attachment, and opened my heart.   You are suffering, and we understand because we suffered like you. 

What if, for five minutes (you can time yourself), you imagine yourself smiling on your own two feet?  What if, in that time, you ask the universe to show you how to live without her?   What if, you ask the universe for a sign of your strength?   

Visualize your goodness, Buddy.  Start with 30-seconds, or a minute, or 5-minutes. 

Let go of the story of her for a short time and ask the universe to show you exactly what you need to do.   

We're here for you.

[winston72]

Thanks Buddy!

Following on the SB's comments,

2.  Is this the way you think and feel?  Or are you presuming that she is always loving and missing you?  In other words, are you as contradictory as these behaviors suggest?  That question sounds leading, but it is not intended to be.  If this is the way she feels (wanting you one day, no wanting you the next) is this something that works for you?

6.  Is she equally sincere when she tells you that she wants to move on as she is when she says you are the love of her life?  Mine said both and I think she meant both sincerely.  I chose to "hear" and remember the love of her life part!  The other part killed me. But, I still emphasize it in my memory.  

8.  Not sure how to respond to this one!  It sounds more like she is trapped in her own conflicted communication and distortions with her family more than a growing fondness.  This being said, my ex struggled/s mightily with our break up.  It is not easy for her on many, many levels.  I think she misses me a lot... . a lot... . but it does not mean that our reconciliation would lead to a harmonious union.  

I am wondering about your responses to 2 and 6.  :)on't your beliefs about her confirm that she does not feel the same as you, and that her words are not consistent?  By this I mean that I think she misses you... . and wants you gone... . and I think she means it when she is sweet... . and she means it when she is mean.  Isn't this the very dynamic that put you in this condition?

And, as I type this, I am conscious that I pine for the very things that tortured me.  Ah, life!  The human condition!

One more... . was it really better with her?  The pain was not at the surface, but wasn't it just about to boil over?  Easy to miss the calm before the storm... . and to think that it meant there was not a storm looming.  Hmm... . I didn't make that word picture work!