What is the sound of one hand clapping

[Changingman]

I was reading a post and suddenly the riddle of

What is the sound of one hand clapping

It came into my mind and suddenly I knew that for me it was silence and being alone. Inner voices are loud in this state. The self is exposed, noise distracts from the soul

I had been feeling detached from my ex for some time and am finding some joy in the peace.

Bringing memories, feelings and thoughts into awareness needs silence and space.

Of course pwBPD cannot be alone, fear abandonment, no true self, have to attach. This silence is deafening, only change can come from it. Isolation is the key for me to allow buried trauma and reality to come into awareness.

One hand clapping describes the love and arguments, nothing solid only myself in the RS

Has this old riddle any meaning for anyone else

[Skip]

Just so shocked that I have found out my udBPDxgf has this condition at the end of our 3.1/2 year relationship. Thought she had alcoholism and some drug issues. But felt there was something else I couldn't put my finger on. I used to say she runs and hides from things, her work was an escape from dealing with things, would drink at night till she collapsed, sexually provocative, fantasys of sex clubs, 55 sexual partners, sex with a prostitute, always a drama/crisis, constantly having 'accidents' where she hurt herself. Rage and anger when drunk, all her friends seemed to be old boyfriends. Really hard self abusive sex, thought I had a problem with her male friends, would have emotional intimacy with some nerdy guy at work. Got dogs at her insistence then had hardly any time/interest in them. Thought I was the coolest guy shed ever met, went on about marriage. Couldn't organize anything new without having panic attacks. Left as if everything meant zero. Been having an affair with boss for 5 months behind my back, wow.

This seems like a pretty troubled person with a red beacon flashing.

Alcoholism is a pretty big problem.

Did her life choices bother you?  :)id you share any of these beliefs?

What were the redeeming things that kept you in? Where were you hoping this would go?

[Changingman]

No Skip thank you,

I have close friends, my best friend ( since 8years old ) has come on this journey with me. Surprisingly Both our mums suffer from uBPD. I think the noise of the last 4 years with my ex have been one of the ways I was confused. Always loud, always drunk, drugged, constant crisis, everyone hated her at different work places, it seemed she was pursued by bad luck and even worst people.

The silence now feels peaceful, I feel purpose coming back. I've noticed friends around me are talking about their real feelings and selves to me. My healing seems to be somewhat infectious ( I humbly submit ). I think this is others recognising how completely broken I had felt and seeing me submitting to my healing has been hopeful.

Change does come from within, I'm finding some steel in me.

[Changingman]

Skip your lonely child post, blow my mind. Helped enormously still reading it everyday

[Skip]

"Lonely child" is a lot of hurt.   :'(

You mentioned that she drank a lot.  Do you also have drinking issues?  Was that any part of the bond?

[Changingman]

No skip I didn't share alcohol abuse with her, joined in a bit but more protector tried to help her ease up on her drinking and drugs, but enjoyed it to a degree. Did some c with her for sex mainly, we never got into any 'swinging' she dropped it when she realised I wasn't interested, at idealisation stage she was more interested in sex. I am Hypersexual but keep it monogamous. She had very few friends and all RSs messed up in some way, I fixed them. Work was suffering I thought because of the drinking before I arrived, so we fixed that, built a home life I had always wanted ( mirrored me completely ). While I was doing all this work I found that my life was changing for the better work wise I had a reason to live. I had been mildly depressed. We seemed to be heading towards happiness and fulfilment, my new job was great money and creative. She hid her emotions and acting out really well. I thought she was kind of fragile with a big sweet heart that needed nurturing. Each time she moved work she had what I realise we're major panic attacks/psychotic episodes. Attaching to new people is terrifying for her. She used her seduction as attachment.

I felt I was saving us both