2011 Custody - 2013 Majority time - 2014 CPS again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yes, that's right, we came home last night, son got to the front door first and he found a calling card from the county CPS - Children's Protective Services.  <Groan!>  Here we go again... .

Actually I'm not all that surprised, it was almost predictable.  The December order had nothing good to say about her, she lost her equal time during the school year, frankly she looked bad and it was in writing right there in our court order.  Her past pattern, one shared by many with BPD behaviors, was to try to make me look as bad or worse than her.  And what better way than to get CPS involved?

Well, I really don't have proof it was her, CPS never identifies the complainant, but son said only he and she knew the medical matter.  I was virtually clueless about it all.  If only she had informed me we could have been working on resolving the problem.  However, this was her excuse to make a complaint.

I told the CPS investigator we had just been to the doctor a couple weeks ago on a different matter and it was never mentioned.  He wants a copy of our doctor visit paperwork, apparently it's an indication I am not neglecting my child.  We'll have a home visit next week.  Oh, and he remarked we had quite a lengthy file.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, that's right, we came home last night, son got to the front door first and he found a calling card from the county CPS - Children's Protective Services.  <Groan!>  Here we go again... .

Actually I'm not all that surprised, it was almost predictable.  The December order had nothing good to say about her, she lost her equal time during the school year, frankly she looked bad and it was in writing right there in our court order.  Her past pattern, one shared by many with BPD behaviors, was to try to make me look as bad or worse than her.  And what better way than to get CPS involved?

Well, I really don't have proof it was her, CPS never identifies the complainant, but son said only he and she knew the medical matter.  I was virtually clueless about it all.  If only she had informed me we could have been working on resolving the problem.  However, this was her excuse to make a complaint.

I told the CPS investigator we had just been to the doctor a couple weeks ago on a different matter and it was never mentioned.  He wants a copy of our doctor visit paperwork, apparently it's an indication I am not neglecting my child.  We'll have a home visit next week.  Oh, and he remarked we had quite a lengthy file.

[DoxieLover]

Hi FD,

I've read many of your posts in the years I've been a member and all I can say is that I am so sorry you are having to deal with this garbage again.  It is sad that you weren't really surprised as her behavior has become predictable over the years.  Sadly, we have the same issue.  We haven't had CPS visits but we have been sued multiple times and of course, raged at a bazillion (give or take 1 or 2  ) times.  We have learned to expect something when her fear of abandonment is triggered which is usually right before or during our vacations and holidays.  Not fun!  At any rate, we haven't dealt with CPS so I can't offer any advice in that arena but I wanted to let you know you are in my prayers.

Take care,

Doxie

[sanemom]

I am sorry!  That is terrible.  How old is your son?  My DH has a countdown on his phone for how much time we have left to deal with her drama.

I actually know of a case with a BPD mom where CPS has forbidden her to make any more reports.  Maybe it is almost time for that in your situation!

[broken3]

Forever,

I have had the same thing happen a few times in my situation.

CPS got fed up with her and wrote a letter to family court. Filed with the judge.

After it was over. I was actually thankful that they were involved.

[ogopogodude]

yep, ... . CPS involvement in my case was theeeeeee best thing ever.

I looked like the angel.

My wife looked like the very devil.

Me like CPS. Yesireeeee.

[david]

You have a long file with CPS and you recently got majority time. You have paperweork showing you were at the docs a few weeks ago. Looks like everything is pointing in her direction as the problem. Let her keep documenting her poor behavior and you keep doing what you are doing. It's a bump in the road. At some point CPS should understand enough to tell ex to knock it off. If you show them the doc papers that may be the end because of the long file. Perhaps, if she tries taking this to court the judge will finally do something about it. If that happens I would suggest supervised visitation and therapy for ex via court order. Unless those conditions are met ex does not see son.

I am coming to the opinion that unless my uBPDw gets seriously reprimanded by the court she will not stop. The victim switch in her brain will be changed from me being the monster to the court system. She will always maintain the victim status because that is all she knows.

[Waddams]

I'm sorry.  Does enough instances of this qualify as reason to file a suit against her for harassment of some kind?  Or a contempt action?  Divorces start with the non-interference clause (or something to that effect).  you're supposed to be able to move on free from interference from the ex- in your life.  She's violating that every way she can.

I also make a point of checking with my son's doc periodically so I can keep abreast of things his mom does and doesn't tell me about.  That way I'm informed and up-to-date on any issues and doc's recommendations.  uPDxw once tried to bring something up like I dind't know about it and try to make me look bad in a meeting with school people a few years ago.  I pulled out my copy of the doc's paperwork and spoke intelligently to the doc's recommendations, which she was misrepresenting.  If she could shoot lasers from her eyes, she would have at that moment!

[ForeverDad]

Well, I don't *know* she was the complainant, CPS protects the identities of their informants following the whistleblower principle.  We don't want to discourage the sincere reporters, do we?  S12 knows who knew about this.  But it's fairly obvious this complaint of child neglect was blaming, anyone else would have recognized this as common issue frequently encountered even by adolescents, gone to the local store, gotten some cheap over the counter meds and taken care of it without fuss.

Something like this happened in years past when son got ringworm, a type of fungus, a few times here and there.  She was more concerned then about getting documentation and blaming me than just using standard antifungal cream and making it go away.

[Nope]

Oh isn't this fun. (Sarcasm.) If we get majority time I am sure we will go through the same thing. You do have leverage though. You can tactfully remind her that she isn't giving you any child support and maybe caring for your child would be easier if she was helping financially. Since you have majority time you can drag her back in for support any time you'd like. If she works at all she'll be told she needs to pay something. And it sounds like you'll never see a penny out of her but the consequences of nonpayment will still be real. (Not sure what they are but I do know Child Support Enforcement there is aggressive. My SO has gotten harassing calls from them and he's never once been late.

Yes it is playing a little bit dirty but it also buys you a certain amount of insurance. There is only one magistrate that would give someone behind on CS back primary custody.

[david]

My ex is a registered nurse and I used to just follow what she said about health issues since I figured she knew better than me. I learned that wasn't true. Her reasons have nothing to do with sons' welfare. It is very similar to your ex. It has nothing to do with the child and all about finding fault with something you did. You have the paperwork and a logical reason for what you did. I expect my ex to stop about a year after our youngest turns 18. Anytime earlier than that and I would be surprised.

I communicate with doc, teachers, etc without ex's interference. I have found that there is some resistance at first but once the person interacts with both of us they soon get why. The last two years I've had S10's teachers give me their personal cell number in case I need to call. My ex actually volunteered as homeroom mother this year. S10's teacher gave me her number and told me she didn't give it to anyone else. His teacher last year said something very similar to me when he gave me his number. When ex takes him to pediatrician S10 is seen by the same doc everytime. I take him and he has been seen by several of the docs at the practice including the one that sees him when ex brings him. Some of their comments indicated that there was a reason for this.

[bravhart1]

Sorry you are going through this. Even though you've done nothing wrong, I know it still feels terrible to have someone (come on we know it's her) report you to CPS.

I have been there and I was humiliated by it. I have never been accused of anything remotely like that and it felt really bad. In the end the report read "mom made it up to make step-mom look bad" and there was not a single word to her about filing a false report.

She also "set DH up" with a ringworm thing. Saw it on daughters back, took pictures of it and gave her to us sun morning.

Monday morning she called Dr and set appointment for noon. We had seen rash by then and put ointment on it. At appointment she showed Dr pics of it she took on Sat and got Dr to agree it had gotten worse. Used this as example to mediator as to why DH was bad dad.

Mediator used it as his example as to why mom shouldn't have primary custody because she was more interested in setting dad up than daughters health.

Moral here is given enough rope, the idiot always hangs himself.  Good luck

[livednlearned]

How does your son feel about the CPS complaints?

[Matt]

I wonder if you could file something with the family court, informing the court of what you know - that someone filed a complain with CPS, and that the only person you know of who could have done it is your ex - and asking the court to cite her for contempt.  Maybe a hearing so the judge can ask her if she filed the complaint, and why.  You can just tell the judge very frankly, in the motion, that you believe this is harassment and it would be in your son's interest for it to stop.

At the very least, that would put the issue in front of the court;  even if the court takes no action, the judge will be aware of what your ex is doing, and might be influenced by that for future decisions.

[Forward2free]

That's really bad luck FD. Hopefully it will only be a matter of time before this is resolved and you can get some more distance between you.

It's such a shame that there are no departments to escalate the matter for permanent resolution!

Take care and document.

[ForeverDad]

I thought I'd choose this thread to give an update.  It's been relatively calm these last couple years.  I've concluded it's a combination of (1) son is older and a teen now and (2) her Entitlement bubble was finally deflated at the end of 2014.

Son loves his mother but occasionally he'll comment she's crazy or she's always hated me.  She's a bit much, even for him sometimes.  The huge surprise is that he's with me most of the time lately, his mother has been busy working and taking classes for additional certifications.  She almost always takes her overnights but virtually every day he's here.

She had him for Memorial Day and returned him early so she could go to classes.  Finding they were closed, she called but he told me later he made up an excuse not to go back for the extra hours.  He had a doctor visit today which was on her time, he stayed overnight so I could take him to the early appointment.

Ten years ago I would never have imagined this seeming calm.  Her classes end soon so maybe she'll be more available, time will tell.  And not all is hunky dory, she still can't handle a conversation with me.  So I let him do most of the day to day communicating.

[Matt]

How old is he now?

How is he doing in school and in other ways?

Any ongoing counseling - for anybody?

[sanemom]

This was good to refresh with our CPS mess going on... .if they are subpoenaed, they will testify as to who their complainant is.  :-)

Glad someone finally deflated her bubble and your DSS is doing much better with his head on straight.  Your story gives hope to others!