Really struggling with the ex's birthday today

[nooseroundmyfeet]

I can't thank this forum enough for all the help and insight it has provided me these past few weeks.  I have only had a few posts but I have taken the time to keep up with current comments and have gone back and read much of the historical info on here.  Being able to tie others experiences to mine has not only helped accept the final discard, but has given me the perspective to start looking at the aspects of the entire relationship and not each of the instances of deceit in as one in its self, something that could be worked through until the next one

Today is a trigger day for me, her birthday.  I knew it was coming, tried to prepare, but woke up early and can't get her out of mind.  Have been reading and re-reading my list of "why this will never be the same" which includes lack of trust, pathological lying, cheating, lack of honesty / integrity, my refusal to be smeared for things that never happened, etc etc... . all the things I need to be focusing on as I have obviously not yet fully detached

I have been strong in holding NC, but it is very difficult today... . I didnt have this much trouble over the holidays.  I have been avoiding her recent passive attempts to get my attention or to get a reaction, but miss the fact that I can't reach out to her on this day for fear of opening the door even a crack.  I'm confident the shame, the fear of rejection as I held her accountable for her lying and cheating, have prevented her from doing any more than the passive feelers .  I know I need to stay strong and not open myself up to more of the same treatment, I do feel a little childish that I can;t allow myself to even say Happy Birthday in a text to someone that I shared so much with, but knowing my generousity would not be taken as any more than a "i still got my hooks in him" message.

Thanks for letting me share

[Allmessedup]

My ex's birthday is coming up next week and I have struggled with the same thing you are right now.

I am not at all certain how I will be on the actual day but I have made a plan on how to deal with it.  I plan to go to a spot in nature that was ours with a cupcake candle and balloon.  I plan to ding her happy birthday and blow out the candle and release the balloon.

For me I can't ignore the day entirely as she was a big part of my life for a very long time.  However I can appease my need to celebrate it in my own way privately and remember that I am giving both of us the best gift I ever could give by letting her go.

[Tincup]

Hi, I just went through this last weekend.  It was extremely hard for me to not send any communication to her, but I am so glad I did not.  For me personally I did not see any positive that could come from me sending her a text.  Just thinking about doing it brought me pain and suffering.  I had a hard time remembering that NC is about YOU not them.  You are feeling this way because you are a decent person who cares. 

I agree with you that the holidays were not a hard from me as her birthday was.  Do what you can do to fill that particular day up.  I went out of town and kept myself very busy.  If you have to turn your phone off so you can't text.  Whatever it is that works for you to keep YOURSELF heathly

[arn131arn]

Noose, you bring up the point about your refusal to be smeared for things that never happened. Would you mind elaborating on that problem? I am experiencing the same, and my need for vengeance is growing, yet, everyone is telling me to take the high road that her and my replacement's day will come. Thanks, Arn

[seeking balance]

Hi Noose,



I know this is hard (trust me, I remember too). 

There is no magic answer that will make you feel "all good" right now - simply have the discipline to do the little things and not call so that more time can go by.  Keep telling yourself, this is the only "1st" you have to do.  And it is - it will not hurt like this next year.

So, the things you can do to give yourself some comfort & strength:

- post here 

- Make a plan with some friends; dinner and a movie maybe

- let yourself cry for a bit, then get moving - go exercise

- accept this is only a single day, that is it.  You can do anything for one day.

Distractions are good in times like this, use the ones that are healthy in your own coping tool belt.

Hang in there,

SB

[woke up]

I just went through this a couple of days ago.  I also had the deep desire to call or text a birthday wish, but I kept myself busy intentionally so I wouldn't do it, and I didn't.  Boy am I glad I didn't.  So do whatever it takes to not make contact and you'll feel better.  If you do make contact, I guarantee you will feel bad and regret it. 

[nooseroundmyfeet]

Arn,

The items that were projected on to me after the replacement had been secured included cheating on her, problem with liquor, I didn't care about her anymore, and my favorite that I put my ex-wife's needs before hers.  I started getting anonymous messages about how I'll pay for cheating on her and other passive aggressive comments about my character and integrity that I believe were from a few of her female friends.  I think she had to justify why with someone else so quickly   It sucks but I would suggest the high road. The lion doesn't worry about the opinions of the sheep and what people think about me is none of my business.   It has become another reason why I will never look at her the same way.  I have taken the high road when my friends and family asked what happened, we seemed so happy.  Just tell them it didn't work out.