How do I get through to my BPD partner?

[gravity1]

My on again off again BPD partner of almost 2 years has a very hard time with intimacy of any kind. He is extremely emotionally fragile, and I believe was sexually and physically abused as a child. He has an incredibly hard time opening up, and often times can only communicate with sex. He won't contact me for weeks at a time, but when I exhibit genuine upset he profusely apologizes and claims why he has no idea why he treats me the way he does (I know he is serious) and will buy me presents, and write me long facebook messages telling me how sorry he is.

His mother depends on him emotionally, and stays home all day long. He constantly contacts her during the day and becomes very upset if he won't answer her, even if he is genuinely working.  He has been able to communicate the huge amount of anger he has towards her and I felt this to be a huge step. He has had to be his mothers emotional partner his entire life, and she will even come down for the weekend and stay with him at times. This has created a VERY tough template for me to work with, because whenever I contact him during the day he feels incredibly triggered, overwhelmed, and engulfed. I am a nanny so I am home with a child all day, and I do feel like he feels like the same thing is happening even when I just want to know how he is doing.

I have chosen to stay with him because I have a similar dynamic in my own family. I am comfortable with it, and now I am just seeking ways to feel better and not take it so personally when I don't hear from him. The only time I find that I receive the love and affection I crave from him is when I am angry with him. (Similar dynamic with my parents.) This is incredibly difficult for me, as I feel guilty when I become angry with him, I am a very empathetic and understanding person by nature. I end up finding myself apologizing.

I love him, and I know he loves me and is incredibly emotionally damaged. Even sex he prefers over the phone, as I believe he relives trauma during the experience (as do I, from my past.) The dynamic works, in this way. Sometimes though, I really do crave being physical with him and being close to him but I don't know how to go about doing that without making him feel engulfed and I am left in an even worse spot. Even tonight, I would love to contact him now and ask what his plans are for the evening in the hopes that we could spend time together but I would be contacting him at work, and I don't want to overwhelm him.

Any suggestions on how to get through to my partner with BPD without becoming angry with him? Any suggestions on creating emotional barriers on my heart so I don't feel so hurt by his behavior? How can I communicate with him without making him feel engulfed, yet still feel heard? Thank you SO much and hugs to you all!

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[an0ught]

Hi gravity1,

His mother depends on him emotionally, and stays home all day long. He constantly contacts her during the day and becomes very upset if he won't answer her, even if he is genuinely working.  He has been able to communicate the huge amount of anger he has towards her and I felt this to be a huge step. He has had to be his mothers emotional partner his entire life, and she will even come down for the weekend and stay with him at times. This has created a VERY tough template for me to work with, because whenever I contact him during the day he feels incredibly triggered, overwhelmed, and engulfed. I am a nanny so I am home with a child all day, and I do feel like he feels like the same thing is happening even when I just want to know how he is doing.

we are often not only struggling with behavioral problems of our SO but with a whole ongoing legacy of behavioral problems in SO's FOO. You situation sounds tough indeed. He has insufficient boundaries and gets dumped on by his mother. And then of course the coping capabilities are stretched - considering how much he may be dumped on by his mother probably even healthy people would be struggling to stay calm. In the medium term he would greatly benefit from learning to establish boundaries but it is very difficult to do that from your vantage point as that may pit you against his mother. A T from the outside could really help him there.

Right now how to communicate - avoid invalidation and validate, validate, validate, validate and validate. In a healthy relationship the ratio of invalidating to validating exchanges is 1:5 or better. Validation connects in a healthy manner and it helps him to process his emotions. Validation is not problem solving - leave the problems with him - just listen carefully and give back your best understanding of how he feels and what the situation looks from his perspective. And once in a while you can slip in your perspective in a neutral manner for his consideration without pushing it. Your main activity howrver is not to fix but simply to listen carefully and actively respecting his point of view... .

Have you watched this video? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0