he would feel betrayed if he knew

[cm2012]

I'm married to someone with BPD who can't/won't see it in themselves and would consider it a complete betrayal if he knew that I was on these boards. I feel subversive every time I come here. Can't figure out how to deal with that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

A normal feeling that many of us have.  How is it that you are betraying?  Are you not looking for answers and understanding?

[191919179384613]

yeah how easy is it for these to be read? and found?

[cm2012]

A normal feeling that many of us have.  How is it that you are betraying?  Are you not looking for answers and understanding?

I don't feel like I'm betraying him. I am just looking for answers in order to understand. But it's not what I'm doing or feeling - it's how he would see it.

[an0ught]

Hi cm2012,

It may be worth contemplating why you feel that what you are doing is

 - ethical

 - the right thing

 - the thing he would approve of

One can easily make an argument that you are trying your best to help him and the relationship. He may not like it but you do have a right to do stuff he does not like particularly when it it is in what you believe is your common interest and is not stepping much over his boundaries.

Your problem is not so unusual. The fact that you strongly feel what you imagine he is feeling and so little feel what you are feeling yourself can be a sign of you not having sufficient boundaries to protect your inner emotional life and giving it the right priority. Working on boundaries and doing plenty of validation will help over time to improve the situation.

We all (including our SOs) have a right to privacy. Privacy serves an important role - it allows a freer exchange of information including emotional, inaccurate and tentative one. It plays a role in coming to decisions. We do have a right to keep our thoughts private, sometimes even a duty as not all our thoughts are proper to share. When it comes to taking actions it becomes a different matter.

[joshbjoshb]

Hi cm2012,

It may be worth contemplating why you feel that what you are doing is

 - ethical

 - the right thing

 - the thing he would approve of

One can easily make an argument that you are trying your best to help him and the relationship. He may not like it but you do have a right to do stuff he does not like particularly when it it is in what you believe is your common interest and is not stepping much over his boundaries.

Your problem is not so unusual. The fact that you strongly feel what you imagine he is feeling and so little feel what you are feeling yourself can be a sign of you not having sufficient boundaries to protect your inner emotional life and giving it the right priority. Working on boundaries and doing plenty of validation will help over time to improve the situation.

We all (including our SOs) have a right to privacy. Privacy serves an important role - it allows a freer exchange of information including emotional, inaccurate and tentative one. It plays a role in coming to decisions. We do have a right to keep our thoughts private, sometimes even a duty as not all our thoughts are proper to share. When it comes to taking actions it becomes a different matter.

Great points.

Let me add that I believe that in a marriage, even a normal one, it's 100% okay not to tell your spouse everything, all the time.

How much more so when you have a spouse who, perhaps, deals with a disorder, and him knowing about these boards will make the situation worse.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Great points.

Let me add that I believe that in a marriage, even a normal one, it's 100% okay not to tell your spouse everything, all the time.

How much more so when you have a spouse who, perhaps, deals with a disorder, and him knowing about these boards will make the situation worse.

If only I could convince my uBPDw that... . In her world if I'm not telling her 100% it's 'evidence' for all the reasons she's come up with not to trust me... .

[an0ught]

If only I could convince my uBPDw that... . In her world if I'm not telling her 100% it's 'evidence' for all the reasons she's come up with not to trust me... .

Understandable, a lot of us felt this way. Here are alternatives point of views:

If only I could convince my uBPDw that... .

Co-dependent: I feel ok with my actions if they are aligned with my partners views.

Strong indvidual in relationship: I feel ok with my actions if they are aligned with my values and that does include not hurting my partner. Can't be perfect however and especially avoiding self inflicted and imagined pain is really her problem.

In her world if I'm not telling her 100% it's 'evidence' for all the reasons she's come up with not to trust me.

Somewhat in FOG: If I can just avoid giving her any evidence at all I will be fine.

Back in reality with BPD SO: She struggles to trust me and others too. When it gets too much she needs to find or invent evidence otherwise she would be overwhelmed. Got nothing to do with me, I'm fine - it is quite irritating and exhausting though.

[bruceli]

Great points.

Let me add that I believe that in a marriage, even a normal one, it's 100% okay not to tell your spouse everything, all the time.

How much more so when you have a spouse who, perhaps, deals with a disorder, and him knowing about these boards will make the situation worse.

If only I could convince my uBPDw that... . In her world if I'm not telling her 100% it's 'evidence' for all the reasons she's come up with not to trust me... .

Same here... . and I quote... . " you must be 100% honest because if not that will be the downfall of us."  However, just this weekend she forgot to close her Yahoo messenger... . what an eyeful I got.