Packed my bags

[malibu4x]

We've been married almost 10 years now.  The major fights seem to go i a 1-2 month cycle.

I have always tried to do anything but leave.  The fight starting last weekend is one of the worst.  She was coming off of flu. Kids were sick too.   Everything was actually fine until she started feeling better.  She came out of her room to find house in disarray and BAM! Things went downhill from there. 

I'm new here and still learning about SET, DEARMAN, and not taking things personally.  It is so hard sometimes, but I have already found a lot of strength.  My Father in law also said this week:  "Remember it is not you.   YOU ARE THE LIGHTNING ROD."    Such a good thought to remember.

Anyway, this week has been really really hard.  Over the course of 10 years, there have been a handful of nights that I have slept on the couch or separate room.  Sometimes she even has b/c she realizes that she is out of control and needs some space. 

However, I have not slept in same bed with her for 7 days now.  And yesterday morning she asked me to leave.  I finally said - "if that is what you really want," and I got up and went to grab a suitcase and started packing. 

She left the house at that point.  In the meantime, I wrote little notes for the kids and left them on their beds, saying how much I loved them and that I would call them and see them soon.  I broke down and cried a big big cry. More than I have cried in years. The pain was just unbearable. 



The big thing for me is that by moving out and getting a hotel just seemed like admitting defeat - failure.  But now today I realize that it is probably a good thing to give her some space from me.   Yesterday morning she was shaking as she said how much she hated me "right now".  (the use of "right now" being a big positive in my mind).   

She wrote me a somewhat scathing email later yesterday, but said that she was getting together with a doc and getting some anti-depressants.  Yeah!  I'm concerned that she will keep with it, but it is a good start.   She also said that I could come by later and take the kids out - so that is another really big win!



Now to the questions

I'm wondering if the fact that she is getting help is an opportunity to talk about things in an honest way.  I don't want to diagnose or label, but I want to talk about real solutions.    Her mom is BPD and my W knows it.  She also knows that she has some of the same traits.   I would not be surprised if my W already suspects that she has BPD.  It is probably best to leave it alone and let her bring it up if anything and in the meantime, just encourage her in therapy and meds.



For those of you who have SO in therapy and on meds - what do you do to encourage them to stick with it? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi  malibu4x,

The big thing for me is that by moving out and getting a hotel just seemed like admitting defeat - failure.  But now today I realize that it is probably a good thing to give her some space from me.   Yesterday morning she was shaking as she said how much she hated me "right now".  (the use of "right now" being a big positive in my mind).

It is tough to admit you struggling so much that you got to move out   .  Some time apart will help everyone to cool down and give you a chance to better digest and internalize the material here. It may be good to have some time-line for the break you are taking. Check out TOOLS: how to take a time out

Don't think it is defeat. It is strength. You are in a war and if you are not willing to loose a battle once in a while you are sitting duck that can be gamed easily. Boundaries are there to protect you, your core resources to allow you to come back another day! Your willingness to admit defeat in one area is absolutely key to implement boundaries. When push comes to shove in implementing boundaries the question always is - what is the consequence for myself? The consequence of not being able to have sufficient peace at home was moving to a place where you have some peace. You are in control of what you do. You are not gamed. You act in accordance to your values and needs. This is not defeat - this is inner strength!

Hang in there - you are doing good 

a0

[malibu4x]

Thanks an0ght for the vote of confidence! 

And for the like to the Tools: How to take a time out. 

[malibu4x]

Just wanted to report back.

Spent two nights away.  Much drama ensued as I came to get kids one afternoon (which she had offered for me to do), but you know how those interactions go.

The anger reached boiling points against me many times.  Via TXT She called me LIAR, martyr, etc.  Claimed that am not capable of loving her, and "stay the HELL away from us."  Sat night, I told her I was turning off phone and happy to talk when she is not so upset.  and I turned it off.   Turned back on 30 mins later and there was several more brutal nasty texts.   I let it go and had a good cry. 

Talked to her dad (who's ex is pwBPD), and he gave the advice to not stay away too long. That with her it can make things worse as it allows her to become even more firm in her delusion that she can just suck it up and be fine without me. She is very stubborn and even though she hates the abandonment she can put up a hard wall after a while.  Anyway, he said - remember you work hard, it is your home, you are paying the bills, you are not abusive, you are a good dad etc., and that I belong at home with my family.  His approach was a little more aggressive than I thought appropriate for my W (in terms of calling out all the things that I do), but the part about "belonging at home" rang really true.

So I got up early sunday morning and headed back home. Before heading in, I said a prayer, and recited to myself.  "Be Strong in the face of the storm.  Be Firm.  Be Calm.  Be strong for (Wife), (kid1), (kid2) and for me."

This is what I said to my W:

I love you.  I’m sorry that you are hurting so badly.  If I try to put myself in your shoes with everything that has happened this week, I would feel the same.

I'm coming home.  I am not leaving our family.

I love you and our kids and here is where I belong.

I want us to get counseling together.

I have been doing some research and trying to get some help and I realize that I have not taken this as seriously as I should.  But I'm confident that I can build the skills to be stronger. But I want us to work on it together.  But I'm not going anywhere - I'm here.

She finally broke down and started crying.  She said "This is what I've been wanting to hear... . I'm sorry that I've been so angry. I turn into this crazy person when I'm so mad and I'm sorry... . " 

I told her that I'm really going to work on not being defensive because it ends up in a lose-lose.  She agreed.

I forgive you - I said and we had a good hug.

(that is the jist of it anyway)

BIG WIN! 

Then I suggested we do something for the day to get out and have a change of scenery and she agreed it was a good idea. 

The rest of the day was a little bit up and down, but I did not get sucked in as she was critical about the restaurant, or other things.  I tried to show empathy and did not fight back.

Last night as we are in bed, she told me that she really could see that I was trying, and that she really really appreciated it.  I said "thank you, that is a "big win" honey" and she kind of looked at me funny.  I said "big win, because it is not only for me that I'm not justifying, defending or fighting back, but it is for you, so that neither of us escalate".  She smiled and agreed. 

What a difference!

[joshbjoshb]

Just wanted to report back.

Spent two nights away.  Much drama ensued as I came to get kids one afternoon (which she had offered for me to do), but you know how those interactions go.

The anger reached boiling points against me many times.  Via TXT She called me LIAR, martyr, etc.  Claimed that am not capable of loving her, and "stay the HELL away from us."  Sat night, I told her I was turning off phone and happy to talk when she is not so upset.  and I turned it off.   Turned back on 30 mins later and there was several more brutal nasty texts.   I let it go and had a good cry. 

Talked to her dad (who's ex is pwBPD), and he gave the advice to not stay away too long. That with her it can make things worse as it allows her to become even more firm in her delusion that she can just suck it up and be fine without me. She is very stubborn and even though she hates the abandonment she can put up a hard wall after a while.  Anyway, he said - remember you work hard, it is your home, you are paying the bills, you are not abusive, you are a good dad etc., and that I belong at home with my family.  His approach was a little more aggressive than I thought appropriate for my W (in terms of calling out all the things that I do), but the part about "belonging at home" rang really true.

So I got up early sunday morning and headed back home. Before heading in, I said a prayer, and recited to myself.  "Be Strong in the face of the storm.  Be Firm.  Be Calm.  Be strong for (Wife), (kid1), (kid2) and for me."

This is what I said to my W:

I love you.  I’m sorry that you are hurting so badly.  If I try to put myself in your shoes with everything that has happened this week, I would feel the same.

I'm coming home.  I am not leaving our family.

I love you and our kids and here is where I belong.

I want us to get counseling together.

I have been doing some research and trying to get some help and I realize that I have not taken this as seriously as I should.  But I'm confident that I can build the skills to be stronger. But I want us to work on it together.  But I'm not going anywhere - I'm here.

She finally broke down and started crying.  She said "This is what I've been wanting to hear... . I'm sorry that I've been so angry. I turn into this crazy person when I'm so mad and I'm sorry... . " 

I told her that I'm really going to work on not being defensive because it ends up in a lose-lose.  She agreed.

I forgive you - I said and we had a good hug.

(that is the jist of it anyway)

BIG WIN! 

Then I suggested we do something for the day to get out and have a change of scenery and she agreed it was a good idea. 

The rest of the day was a little bit up and down, but I did not get sucked in as she was critical about the restaurant, or other things.  I tried to show empathy and did not fight back.

Last night as we are in bed, she told me that she really could see that I was trying, and that she really really appreciated it.  I said "thank you, that is a "big win" honey" and she kind of looked at me funny.  I said "big win, because it is not only for me that I'm not justifying, defending or fighting back, but it is for you, so that neither of us escalate".  She smiled and agreed. 

What a difference!

I can cry together with you. This is so sad to have to leave your children. I can't even think about it for a moment.

But - I am sure that right now you feel so good, she admitted that it's her fault, and from now everything will look up.

Please, friend, don't believe it for one minute... . you will still have a lot of ups and downs... . being married for a person with BPD is sure to be challenging... . but if you want to stay you will find here a lot of support.

You must spend hours and hours reading this forum, but first other books and watch videos about BPD. Keep away from anyone who is out to bash the pwBPD, just look for reading on how to cope.

Good luck!