14 month later

[hildagarde]

It's been 14 months... . almost 15, since my last interaction here.  I've been rendered speechless by personalities, events, and life in general.  Before I continue, I will reiterate the disappearance and death of my older brother (Sept. 2012) and express my distress that my mother has not lifted a finger to memorialize him.  As far as I know, she has his ashes in the box they came in, somewhere in her home... . unless she's disposed of them.  No urn.  No memorial service.  No obituary write up. 

My last post dealt with:

I've posted here for 19 months, or so, focusing primarily on BPD as it relates to my mother.  It's been extremely helpful to me in managing my relationship with her, and maintaining a semblance of sanity.  Since my brother's recent death, many other issues have surfaced, including some of his writings, which expand the nature of her disorder, to include MN.  I'll expound by placing focus on the road ahead for a bit. Mom is 87, living in an apartment within an independent living facility. Mid-summer, she began complaining of a woman "stalking" her; allegedly "attacking" her with her wheelchair, and, issuing verbal abuse, name calling, and such. She claims, "The woman is insanely jealous of me, because I am more popular and better looking. I've gone to management, and they won't do a thing. I went to the doctor with my damaged knee, and he refuses to get involved. I hope you don't mind, but I've told management that my kids are ready to sue if they don't do something about her... . I can't understand it... . I've always gotten along with everyone... . nothing like this has ever happened to me!" WHOA-A-A-A NELLIE! This woman has never played well with others. She has picked and goaded at her neighbors everywhere she's lived, and set the stage to make it appear she is being abused, so family will defend... . her. It's all to feed her sense of self importance. It's always outrageously dramatic, and I stopped falling for it decades ago... . which makes me the bad daughter. She is unrealistically accident prone. If she finds out we're planning a trip, she'll take a bad fall, or invent a situation to detain us from going. Seldom works, but it's never kept her from trying. Many of her staged accidents have resulted in terrible long-term cuts and bruises. Back to the issue at hand. The woman finally was forced to move out. The very next day Mom had a heart attack (actually, this one was real). She's doing alright, but now is trying to blame that woman and/or management for her heart attack... . and is also actively seeking someone else to goad and pick on. One woman out and out told her she won't sit with her at meals because she's sick and tired of her rampages. Why is it that, when the whole world tells her loud and clear that she has a tail, she absolutely refuses to turn around and look? I guess my question is this... . now that my brother has been rescued by death, and I am the oldest, how am I going to resume NC?

During the time, since her heart attack, she has fallen repeatedly, sustaining injuries of variable severity, which prompt frequent, and waifish calls.  She loves to use terms like "wound clinic", "hematoma", et. al. to emphasize either the seriousness of the situation, or the fact that she has expanded her vocabulary impressively.  I finally began scolding her for not using her walker.  In addition, she has selected, yet another, victim to fight with.  The woman goads people into confronting her, and then does the thespian victim thing.  I have pointed out to her that she has ALWAYS has issues with her neighbors... . always doing the bait and switch... . always perpetrating the waifish victim once she's done her thing.  I am a liar, of course.

I retired last summer.  I have plans for my retired life which don't involve her.  My strange and delusional younger brother has re-entered the picture.  Actually (he is 60 now... . with no visible means of support or home to call his own), he has moved into an apartment in her retirement facility under the guise of "taking care of my mother" (even though he wrote her off and went into NC for 25 years), and she's footing the bill.  I'm not supposed to know that, and frankly, now that she's got him to step and fetch it for her every whim... . I'm inclined to accept that things are happening as they should.  Quite sincerely, unless he bilks her dry and creates a burden for me, I am quite happy to let him take over. 

So why, then, am I so concerned with what the rest of the family thinks?

[rebl.brown]

I'm so sorry about the death of your brother.  My mother is very similar to yours and is in her late 70's.  She lives in a retirement home but is in and out of mental comittments and gets kicked out of one facility after another, is always at odds with everyone, never her fault etc. etc. My only sibling and older brother manages her estate, pays the bills but has very little contact.  In order for me to stay sane I have NC and haven't had for 10 years. 

I just want you to know its ok to do whatever you have to do for your own life.  You've given enough to the craziness, you've worked your whole life to retire.  No one, not a relative or anyone else knows what it is like to deal with BPD parent.  Not even a sibling necessarily, we each have our own experience.  If I had to care for my mother I would give her estate which is considerable to the state and they would have to commit her or take all her money and she'd be homeless.  Its that bad.  She will not stop and has no understanding of her behavior and never will. 

I had to clean out a room I store photos in today and I could not look at any from the past.  Sometimes I feel fine and at peace about it and other times I feel so much grief that I have had to completely stop contact in any way with her or any one else from my childhood.  Its just so sad and not something I would ever want.  For all my bluster, it still hurts, it still hurts knowing that the family thinks I'm a hitty daughter.  It hurts to know my mother doesn't know me at all and has a completely made up diatribe in her head, she's the victim when she has caused so much sorrow.

I could keep going, but, please don't waste anymore of your life on it.  If you can do it and still remain in contact great but just know this is not your fault and you are right to do whatever you have to for yourself.

[rebl.brown]

oh, and, have your own memorial and invite the people you love to come, any pastor worth his salt would be happy to let you use their church and officiate. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello... . what a time you've had of it.   

When you ask why you are afraid of what the rest of the family might think if you look after yourself - and I don't know your whole story - what family are you concerned about?

Anyone not familiar with our stories would think we were nuts for that fear - but the "circle the wagons" mentality of condependent families, even extended relatives, and how they shun the one who is the "voice" and punish that voice - it's so real and so cumbersome and hurtful.

I so heartily agree with you that things might be unfolding as they should. If your schmuck of a younger brother has found a free ride with her, let that be how that works. If you are now retired and can finally turn your attention to grieving your brother and finding a way to memorialize him in your heart, let that direction give you some solace.

I lost a younger beloved brother. I have made financial contributions at great sacrifice to keep his name attached to good works in the medical field. 

I contribute to Scouting because he never got the chance to do it even though I remember he so wanted to (our father had better things to do than spend time with any of his children).

I had a blog a few years ago all about him - have you thought of a blog where you can post those pictures that break your heart, speak your mind (I spared no one back then it was what I needed to do and say but I kept actual names murky to avoid legal backlash). That venue let me truly dump alot of what was still killing me not just about his passing but his mental state due to our upbringing.

Take your pain about him and try to weave it into something that shines. It never brings them back but it reconstitutes something within US as the siblings.

I don't know about you, but I am the oldest as well, I always felt like my brother's death released him from the literal insanity of what he was living at the time, and sometimes wished to be able to join him (not like suicidal but that thought process where the world without him is too painful) and know that for me, any talk of the afterlife means I get to see him again. He is the only "angel" I talk to and I truly feel like he's pulled me through some completely awful horrible medical crises.

It takes someone who lost a sibling like that and grew up under our circumstances to say, I'm so deeply sorry. You have a right to grieve, wonder where his ashes might be, wish that you could properly memorialize him, anything and everything you feel in that weighty broken way I recognize and  embrace you for it.

I'm so very sorry.   

[Coral]

Hildegarde,  if you have the tiniest concern about your mother's finances, talk to a highly competent estate/trust attorney.  It's extremely easy to arrange a trust that will protect all concerned.

I'm terribly sorry about your brother.

[hildagarde]

I posted this a few minutes ago as a new post (Enter, psychotic brother), and on second thought maybe should have added it to the existing one.  In any event, here it is again.

In my last post, I mentioned the resurfacing of my younger brother once my older brother passed away.  His behavior has been bizarre, to say the least... . he moved into the retirement facility where our (88 year old uBPD/narcissist) mother resides, to "take care of his mother".  All things considered, it has seemed the sensible thing to do, to sit back and allow nature to take its course.  He has no job or family, really, and so has the time to devote to serving her narcissistic needs... . which relieves us of a great deal of angst resulting from her "staged" mishaps.  I do put in the "obligatory" phone call from time to time, just to check on her well being.

This morning, he telephoned my husband, claiming to have become lost trying to find our house, so my husband drove half a mile to the grocery store to "visit" with him.  Among the ramblings were: 

"Everything Mom says is happening to her in that facility is true... . I caught one in the act of bullying her a month ago". 

"I have police connections, and if it keeps up, I'll have them come to the facility and put the woman in handcuffs... . I'm already working on headlines for a senior center bullying feature." 

"I'm going to move her one floor up, install an aquarium just inside the door with the blowfish she loves so much... . for her birthday... . and move into the room above the one I'm living in now... . and install a spiral staircase, 'cause I need more room for the surveillance work I'm doing on the bar across the alley." 

"I have to stay under the radar, due to the nature of my 'work'"... . ?

"I, and a buddy of mine, are going to buy the strip mall across the alley, and create a quiet room next to the bar, and also a sauna, which I need for my diabetic neuropathy."

"I just finished working a hospice situation nearby, and I held the man's hand as he passed away... . felt his spirit move through me."

Sometime during the conversation, he reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a bullet, set it on the dash, excused himself to make a quick phone call, saying, "I see your guy watching me, and you can tell him I know he can see the bullet on my dash... . but he won't see the next one." 

That should be enough to provide the gist of his "frame of mind".  Needless to say, our day is off to a very freakish start. 

My knee jerk reaction to all of this is to notify (I have NO idea where to start, or who to notify) someone that he needs to be watched.  Upon further consideration, left alone, management at the facility should certainly step in and involve the appropriate authorities. 

She moved him in there knowing he "creeps the rest of the family out".  She gave him a key to her apartment, despite previously changing the locks because she "was afraid of him". 

After this morning's exposure to him, I've become convinces he's crossed over into some kind of psychotic fantasy land. 

Anybody have a clue, or shared experience?  I'm WIDE OPEN to feedback.

[Legacymaker]

Hildaguard,

I scanned your posts, but didn't note if your brother was diagnosed bipolar or schizophrenic (or any other illness).  Some of his grandiose thinking and paranoid behaviors are classic for schizoaffective disorder (a combination of the above). My father is diagnosed with this.

and install a spiral staircase, 'cause I need more room for the surveillance work I'm doing on the bar across the alley. "I have to stay under the radar, due to the nature of my 'work'"... . ? " 

At one point, my father became so dangerous to himself and others that I had to involve the police.  I have had to do this on two occasions when he threatened the lives of my husband and oldest son.

If the person becomes a threat to himself or others, you can call it in, they might be picked up and placed on a 72 hour hold. If things are bizarre enough, law enforcement will probably make this decision for you.   They are usually good about not saying who has issued the complaint.  I will warn you though, if the challenged party has been through the mental health system, they know most of the ways to get around this.  If they come across coherent to law enforcement, probably nothing will be done.  If you call in a complaint and discuss the bullet incident with the police, they may be willing to take a report from you.  It will require you to say he is a threat to others (which can be hard to do). 

You might also find that your brother is about to have a full blown psychotic episode.  Trust me, you will know if this happens.  It can be very dangerous.  My father attacked his new car with a crowbar because he wanted to minister to indigent people and didn't think they would trust him if he had a new car!  He also went on a mission to collect school supplies for children.  He was stopping people in parking lots and demanding donations. 

If this is a full blown episode, your brother would be admitted to a hospital and medications would be started.  My father was moved to a psychiatric hospital for nearly a year in the 70's and then 6-8 weeks the last time it happened... . his psychosis is very challenging.

I would talk to your mothers care givers too.  They can keep an eye on him and will be able to collaborate your concerns if you do need to file a report.

One thing to consider now that I re-read your post.

he moved into the retirement facility where our (88 year old uBPD/narcissist) mother resides, to "take care of his mother".  All things considered, it has seemed the sensible thing to do, to sit back and allow nature to take its course.  He has no job or family, really, and so has the time to devote to serving her narcissistic needs... . which relieves us of a great deal of angst resulting from her "staged" mishaps.  I do put in the "obligatory" phone call from time to time, just to check on her well being.

Has allowing him to move in near your mom made things easier for you, or are you know dealing with two very challenging people? 

I am really sorry this is happening to you.  It is very difficult.  My father is now in a nursing home near my home.  I limit myself to one hour a week visits.  My mother is uBPD and my younger brother is uNPD.  I feel your frustration!  Boundries are the only solution.