Can't forgive her

[Perfidy]

Can't forgive her... . is there another way? DoI have to?

[BorisAcusio]

Me neither. She's repeatedly done cruel, deliberate acts to her loved ones without considering what it will cause to them. Disordered or not she's an adult and exactly know the difference between right and wrong.

[KE151]

What helps me is thinking of the person and the disorder as separate. BPD the Person perpetuates in her own dysfunction, led by BPD the Disorder. Accepting and forgiving the Person becomes possible for me that way. I see her as a helpless little child, frightened and lost. Part pity, yes, but helps me that way. Time helps too.

Stay strong.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Perf-

As a reminder, we forgive someone for us, not for them.  A somewhat sadistic way to look at it is a borderline fears abandonment the most, the core of the disorder, removing one from our lives physically is abandonment, but the ultimate is when we remove them from our heads, by forgiving and letting go, the ultimate in abandonment, hurt them where it hurts most.  Of course thinking about hurting her is still giving her space in your head and isn't forgiveness or detachment, but it's a start.

What has worked for me is to learn about the disorder, which has given me an understanding of how she thinks, very, very different from how I think, and over time it's made more and more sense why she did the things she did.  I've come to accept that she's doing the best she can with what she has, is just trying to survive, and it's a continuous struggle with varying levels of success.  Her responses to constant pain and fears were very painful for me, and are for anyone who gets that close, but focusing on the wake-up call I got from the ordeal as well as the beautiful girl buried under all the crap has allowed me to forgive her, for me, be grateful for the lessons, and even feel compassion for her.

No, you don't have to forgive her, you can let it fester and make you bitter, up to you.  What is the biggest obstacle to that forgiveness?

[seeking balance]

Can't forgive her... . is there another way? DoI have to?

Nope - you don't have to forgive her, this is your life to life as you choose.

What exactly are you asking in this - what is your actual goal Perfidy?

[myself]

Can't forgive her... . is there another way? DoI have to?

You can just learn to live with it.

Let go of the past as much as possible.

Accept how things are now.

Get to this forgiveness when it's time to.

If it's ever time to.

Maybe not forgiving keeps you motivated?

[Cumulus]

Hi perf, without forgiveness is there not resentment? Resentment takes it out on us. Like that saying, resentment is me taking the poison, and expecting you to die. Forgive for yourself and begin your new life without that burden. Just my thought. Cumulus

[Perfidy]

Is there a way to forget her? I understand how she fed into my fantasy due to my own disfunction. I'm ok with that and aware of my part. All I want to do now is forget. I am through most of grieving over her. So much negative feeling came out of me that I just want to forget and move on. What really sucks is that the last year we were together was the best year we had. There was lots of change and new things to look forward to. She was not using drugs as much. I could see light at the end of the tunnel.

[seeking balance]

Is there a way to forget her? I understand how she fed into my fantasy due to my own disfunction. I'm ok with that and aware of my part. All I want to do now is forget. I am through most of grieving over her. So much negative feeling came out of me that I just want to forget and move on. What really sucks is that the last year we were together was the best year we had. There was lots of change and new things to look forward to. She was not using drugs as much. I could see light at the end of the tunnel.

What, specifically, do you want to forget?  The pain of the breakup?

[heartandwhole]

What really sucks is that the last year we were together was the best year we had. There was lots of change and new things to look forward to. She was not using drugs as much. I could see light at the end of the tunnel.

Are you rewriting history, Perf?  There was a reason you two broke up.  It's okay to remember the good times, it happens, but we don't want to dwell there, right?  For me, setting new goals and pursuing them has helped a lot in letting go, especially these kinds of thoughts.

When someone leaves, it can feel like a void.  What have you filled it with?  

[Perfidy]

I would rather just forget the whole thing ever happened. I don't think I'm rewriting history. The last year wasnt perfect but it was the best year we had. There were a lot of changes. I don't know for sure what caused the breakup. A lot of honest reflection has not provided me with a solid answer to this. Could have benn this, could have been that. A combination of things.

   When I was communicating with her about it she was all over the map. She gave me so many different reasons it was hard to understand. She named off every reason in the world except for the real one and I'm lost as to what that is. Bottom line to me is that there was no reason. I could see no reason for it, but I think differently than her.

I have stayed my course in the new things that I began when her and I were together. I've been meeting people and moving forward in my life. I know how destructive this was to my emotional well being. The void isn't all that great.

[myself]

What really sucks is that the last year we were together was the best year we had.

Me too. That's been hard to make sense of. I think they want to trust us, to spend their lives with us, but the triggers are too embedded. My ex invented a bad story so she had reason to leave, because she couldn't deal with the good story that was happening. I thought we had made much progress as a couple, we talked about it many times, but it was only me doing it for myself. Best and worst year for us.

[fromheeltoheal]

Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Perf?  It includes a service that strategically zaps memories you don't want, brain damage really, and some say the Kate Winslet character is a borderline.  Recommended, just for the hell of it, but beyond that, we remember everything that ever happened in our lives, until we get Alzheimer's or dementia later in life, or we can temporarily simulate them with Budweiser.

I've been meeting people and moving forward in my life.  That's the way to do it, shift our focus.  I've been doing that too, and have found that my memories of her, and my opinion of her, change over time.  It's a process, but when I think of her now I see a pathetic little fcked up girl, flailing in her life trying to survive, and that's always a wake-up call again: what the hell was I doing?  But then again, that version of me wasn't asking that question, so I'm taking credit for the growth between.

[Turkish]

Me neither. She's repeatedly done cruel, deliberate acts to her loved ones without considering what it will cause to them. Disordered or not she's an adult and exactly know the difference between right and wrong.

one might think so.  and it ought to be so,  but on some level it's not.  Based on what I  found written in her journal( which she may or may have not left out fir me to read),  mine did... .   and didn't know the difference.  our she did when lucid,  and didn't when not.  she repeatedly asked God  if this situation was meant to tell her the difference between right and wrong.  on another page,  she thanked God for both me and her paramour (!).  Emotionally immature,  yes.  And ethically as well.  it's oddly fascinating to me,  though sick as well.

[dontknow2]

Hi Perfidy,

I am finding true forgiveness for others isn't sticking until I learn to forgive myself. I haven't gotten there yet.

Best to you.

[Perfidy]

Totally hear you Turkish, although I've no fascination for living it anymore. The PTSD is waning. I'm gaining a little more relief and I know that not too long from now I will be complete again with my self. I am beginning to come to terms without full answers or some of the more meaningful aspects of what others believe with regard to healing, such as forgiveness. I've learned way more than I wanted to know about BPD. Professionals dread working with them. I am aware of the term of dichotomy and now that I am a little more informed I feel that the dichotomy is appropriate. They are resistive to treatment and change. Average men and women are nearly defenseless regardless of FOO issues. I do not support villinising pwBPD. I understand that they are sick. Would a person with any other disease need forgiveness? Well, it wasnt a diabetic that tore through my life.

[Dog biscuit]

Average men and women are nearly defenseless regardless of FOO issues. I do not support villinising pwBPD. I understand that they are sick. Would a person with any other disease need forgiveness? Well, it wasnt a diabetic that tore through my life.

I agree with this!

My belief is that forgiveness is highly personal, and very abstract on some level. What is forgiveness? Is it acceptance? Is it not holding someone acountable for their actions? Is it loving/respecting someone regardless of what they did to you? I dont know what forgiveness actually means because it will have different meaning for each indivudial here on this board.

I dont think I can or ever will forgive my ex for the things he has done. I forgave him endelssly during the r/s, it was what kept me entangled. For me it is a good thing not to forgive him, but to remind myself that he is dangerous and highly disordered. But the disorder is no excuse for the external behavoir and damage they create.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Oldest child of uBPD'd mother here... .

Just the word forgiveness alone, as someone a little further up said, is so hard to define... . for me it has overtones of almost religious necessity.

When in fact - it might just mean letting the nightmare set sail. Christen the god-awful mess as "terrible terrible awful part of my life I do not have to live anymore" and step away as it blurs into the horizon sort of thing.

I know I have lifelong issues with inner security, peace (ha that's another word wondering what it means), relationships, daily challenges and interactions.

So my late parent didn't leave me better off than she found me.   :'(

She instituted great damage.

I can blame her or encapsulate it as much as I can, compartmentalize it, and say, But what am I going to do with my time on this earth? What will I perpetuate?

I want to believe it will be charity and compassion.

I just cannot extend it to her in my head. And I think that's okay.

I remind myself Jesus had a saint for a mother... . not a uBPD'd person.

And I know I ain't Jesus.    Not to make light of anyone's firmly held beliefs... . just truly saying what I tell myself. Even He might've had some stains and blots being one of her kids.