Lonely child ... abandoned child ... conflicted thoughts

[Cimbaruns]

Hi all

As I work with my T on my co dependency issues ( and I fit the criteria on many) I am conflicted as to my r/s with my ex and it's causing me to question on whether I have BPD issues myself.

I know this question has been posed here before, as one delves into their own core issues, they begin to wonder if their behavior isn't irrational as well

I know when I have gone through periods of LC I look at the way things have played out and wonder if I'm the crazy one here? It seems that the way things are projected upon me or the way they seem to twist and shift the blame on you as the bad one... . well I look back and wonder?

It seems that after having lived with a partner with this kind of PD... . one begins to take on some of the traits that they subject you to... .

I understand one cannot become a person with BPD... . but is it like a person living with someone suffering from PTSD , where you begin to develop secondary trauma so to speak?

I'm fully aware that I have many core wounds myself ... . and i am in the beginning stages of recognizing them... . but being apart from this r/s I see a lot of things that I may not have been aware of before... . and after much introspection I am seeing for the first time just how much further damage I may have suffered by being with a BPD partner.

Anyone have any ideas on this... . ?

[Allmessedup]

I can't answer your question with any degree of certainty, but I can tell you I feel exactly the same way.

When we first split and in all the times we split previously, I found myself blaming her for everything.  Blaming her for my pain.  Taking no accountability for my half of it which ironically is one thing that drove me nuts when she would do it.

But this time I find myself becoming very much aware of the games I played as well.  Not intentionally but as a result of my own issues.

Which is very hard to look at, but it's definately there if I look back at my old journal entries.  I realize I am hugely codependent.  I used her too to meet my need of being needed.  I too suspect I had plenty of BPD traits that became more evident as our relationship progressed.

But our bond was based on trauma ultimately and we both played our past over repeatedly in the relationship.  It sucks but it's true. 

The post about the lonely child and the angry child details my relationship perfectly.

Now my ex was diagnosed with BPD so really I have no question about that.  But I don't believe I have BPD precisely because I am able to see what I have done and what my role is and I am working on that.

However knowing that the pain I inflicted on her was the furthest thing from what I thought I was doing allows me to let go of some of the anger towards her as I think the pain she inflicted on me was also unintentional. 

We both were simply coping (or more aptly not coping) the only way that we knew how.

I can change how I cope, she can't.

We were simply two broken people who tried to fix the other... . but we can only fix ourselves

So yes I think that for me I developed some secondary trauma.  Her actions and choices reopened a ancient wound in me and vice versa.   For me dwelling on the BPD and what it did is not the answer... . but looking inside to see the source of those ancient wounds and figure out how to heal them is... .

[seeking balance]

The "silver-lining" of these relationships is that we can really see our core wounds.  I thought I had it all under control, I had been to T before, I knew my childhood stuff... . and that part was true.  My pwBPD opened up a can of worms that I didn't even realize was running my life.

Check out some of the workshops, some great value there.

The quote below came from this one:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

2010:

In some relationships, the idealization phase is the partner being in lonely child stance and the Borderline being in abandoned child stance.*Both need saving* Both need attachment to stave off the pain of being alone.  This is one type of bonding seen in this community.

In this bond, both people bring core trauma to the relationship. Mirroring reenacts the earliest childhood experiences to rise up and emerge into consciousness.

In idealization, there is a dual identification and projection for both people that they have found a perfect love- however, one partner (the “lonely child”) does not yet realize that the other partner (the abandoned child= Borderline) has no whole self- and is utilizing a fantasy of a part-time good in order to fuse with the partner's part time good and become one.

The lonely child has spent much of their life becoming “one.”  When a lonely child finds an abandoned child, both parties feel needed. However, rather than truly loving the individuality of both parties- the sad, fantasy aspect of mirroring magnifies the unhealthy *needs* of both people.

When the lonely child begins to question the reality of mirroring (reality testing) this raises core traumas into activation concerning both the questioning (uncertainty) and the hope (unfulfilled expectations) of the unrealistic attachment. "Lack of inherent trust" is found in both parties at this stage.

Reality testing causes the lonely child to pull away because certain things don't add up- as you say, "the idealization phase slowly erodes."

Pulling away, even while in the lap of comfortable luxury- triggers the abandoned child issues of the Borderline. This causes panic reactions of clinging behaviors by the Borderline to prevent the retreat of their desired love object. These immature demands can look like entitlement to others, especially to a lonely child, who has learned early on to be self sufficient and to self soothe- but the entitlement markers are highly charged and emotional to a Borderline, which isn’t Narcissistic grandiosity- it’s ego deficiency and panic.

The entitlement phase brings a hidden "angry and aggressive child" out from hibernation and into full view and this usually occurs when the lonely child least expects it.  The angry child that emerges is pissed and has delusions of persecution that are ideas of reference from earlier childhood trauma. It’s at this point that the angry child (Borderline) will become enraged and try to cast off shame.  They may attempt to harm himself/herself in order to scapegoat the lonely child- who unwittingly stands-in for the earliest attachment.  This triggers the lonely child's trauma from their earliest attachment as well.

The Borderline wants so badly to be whole that they demand that the lonely child create wholeness for them- which the partner succeeds in doing early on but then relaxes. The Borderline temper tantrum, with its ideas of reference being so very childlike and fantastic, perceives the relaxation of the partner as though the attachment is split up. In order to cope, the Borderline must now find another part time perceived good object to self medicate the emotions of feeling badly from the split.  If this cannot be accomplished, the surge of limbic fear concerning anger and abandonment causes such great pain that self harm is often inflicted for relief.

The lonely child is often very surprised by this. The anger and dysregulation are in contrast to what he/she perceives are necessary for the circumstances. (The lonely child fails to see need disguised as "love."  Therefore, the lonely child seeks to understand the Borderlines ideas of reference concerning "love" in order to cope with the neediness and begins a line of questioning.  The Borderline retreats.

Lonely child is "understanding driven" and gets drawn into the Borderline acting out. The lonely child now has a mystery- the Borderline dilemma of "who am I?" This is very likely the same way that the lonely child came into existence as an “understanding driven” child. Especially when he questioned the motives of his earliest attachments during infancy and adolescence.

The lonely child *understands* the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline- the lonely child must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline and also guide, teach and show the way- because after all, that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) worked so well in the idealization stage- the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline.

In the "upside down" world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand.  This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic- that forms a needy bond.

The Borderline is a perfect template with which to and identify with as a good object and also one to invest in to feel better about the “self.”

The understanding driven lonely child "imagines" (projects) onto the Borderline what he/she feels the Borderline identifies with. The lonely child often fills in the blanks with projective identification and the Borderline attempts to absorbs this- but it's impossible to appear as a self-directed person while taking cues and mirroring another self directed partner.

The Borderline scrambles to keep up with what is projected in a chameleon like manner.  All of this pressure to adapt and conform to the projection smothers and defeats the Borderline’s yearning for a perfect bond and triggers engulfment failure. 

Engulfment also means loss of control, annihilation fantasies and shame.  Shame activates the punitive parent that resides in their inner world, their psyche. The attachment failure has now become shame based for the Borderline.  It will soon become guilt driven for the lonely child partner.

Engulfment makes Borderlines very frustrated and angry- but Borderlines fear abandonment and choose to stuff away their fear and compulsively attempt to manage their pain. The impulsive gestures are a form of self harm that fixes the bond in a permanent chaos of action/reaction. 

Borderlines can be avoidant and passive aggressive and will do everything in their power to hide their strong emotions until they implode.  They swing wildly from abandoned child to angry child until they deflate into detached protector- who is basically a mute that doesn’t speak- or worse, speaks in word salad when confronted.

The swinging dysregulation pattern is unable to be separated and individuated and self directed. Because it cannot be self directed, it cannot be self soothed. There is no ability to defer these emotions to logic and reasoning with introspection *without* another person to blame.  This is where Borderlines are showing you the maturity stage at which they are developmentally arrested and remain stuck and frightened.

[heartandwhole]

I thought I had it all under control, I had been to T before, I knew my childhood stuff... . and that part was true.  My pwBPD opened up a can of worms that I didn't even realize was running my life.

This is exactly how I would describe my situation, too.  And I feel that it was a gift.  My issues go much deeper than I imagined, and yet, with help and time and understanding, I am more accepting of them than ever.

Cimbaruns, I've had moments, too, where I thought I might have BPD traits, especially after my painful breakup – I think many of us here have.  It's also common to experience PTSD-like symptoms which appear similar to what pwBPD exhibits. 

On the other hand, in my view, co-dependency (and I am in there with you) can actually be quite destructive, but we don't call it a disorder.   

You are doing great work by looking deeply at your stuff, and the hurt you experienced in the relationship.  Learning better coping strategies and understanding yourself is far more important than any labels we might ponder, in my opinion. 

Keep up the good work, Cimba, this is what recovery looks like! 

[seeking balance]

I'm fully aware that I have many core wounds myself ... . and i am in the beginning stages of recognizing them... . but being apart from this r/s I see a lot of things that I may not have been aware of before... . and after much introspection I am seeing for the first time just how much further damage I may have suffered by being with a BPD partner.

Anyone have any ideas on this... . ?

Cimbaruns,

After posting originally, I kept thinking.  I have not talked about an area that I believe was a core struggle much mainly because it limits the participation on the boards.

Core wound - being gay

Feeling like you don't belong even in your own family is tough.  It doesn't matter whether family is good and we are good now, but most gay people I know always felt like something wasn't quite right.  I know I did.  I had boyfriends in college that I loved, but something was missing and I figured it was due to the fact I was Catholic and not married yet.  But the first moment I experienced kissing a girl - I knew that was what I was supposed to feel that I didn't feel before.  And lord knows, that was not a Catholic ideal.

I stayed with unhealthy partners because I felt "gotten".  Not so alone when so much of my time I felt alone and like something was broken in me due to society and culture.

Is this the only wound?  No - but it is significant.  I thought I had addressed it in my 20's when I went to T.  But when I had to divorce, I realized how much shame that I had.  Being gay, I made sure I was perfect in every other area - I held myself to a standard that was so high... . due to core shame.   My marriage (now that I had a legal right) to fail and be out of my control - it gutted me.

I don't talk much about this part of it as there are on a lot of gay people on the boards - but for me, this was a really big part of healing me... . accepting me and accepting better for me.

[Cimbaruns]

Allmessedup.  Heartandwhole. SB

So much to look into here... .

These posts by 2010 are very eye opening for me... . I have read a lot on this dynamic and I find myself intrigued as to why I was so pulled into this r/s from the beginning

It almost appears that this needed to occur in order for me to recognize what these core issues were and who I was as a person... .

They most certainly were coping mechanisms Allmessedup ... for both of us... . and I remember her recognizing that she had abandonment issues of which she was trying to address with a T... . however I don't really think she could ever see that BPD was in the picture for her...

I remember trying to analyze my own issues early on... . but I had become so entangled in hers... . with the notion that I could fix her... that I lost all sight I where and what I may have needed to do for myself!

SB

I too am gay... . and feel that I am just touching the surface of what that may mean for me and my core issues... . my lonely child who most definately suppressed who I was growing up, because of my realization that being open would have meant further rejection from my family... . and my possible inability to be loved as I really wanted to be... .

I realize this is an entirely different issue for most of those here on these boards... . so it's hard to touch upon it as the majority here have a different experience in those respects.

But yes. SB... . it is an integral part of my "lonely child" issues


So much here to digest... . I will reread these posts and use them to work on my issues going forward

I look forward to more input from those here... . Thank you all