Getting to my core feelings/feeling better

[Depression = 72% of members]

      It's funny but the more I relax and allow myself to feel what I feel the closer I get to my core feelings about all this,  which were much harder to find in the beginning being consumed in pain and anxiety all the time.

                                                       Ive come to realize that there are certain things I can't safely express here and to have validated the way I would like.  That I can accept,  since relaying a story is much different then actually being there in it, experiencing it first hand.    I know for certain my ex has some kind of disorder. What it is exactly I cant say because Im not a doctor.  Im educated, I deal with young adults with diagnosed disorders every day.  Ive been doing this for 14 years.  Enough said.

                                                           What I need to express, I need to express for the benefit of myself and that is why I'm starting this as a new post, started by me,  for my recovery.   

                           

                                 There has been something going on with my ex that I havent been able to put words to until now.  I tried on another post of mine in reference to him sending me a strange post, but I felt emotionally I was a ping pong ball in expressing myself. I just couldnt getting out straight.  His post back to me looked innocent enough,  but with out the history of all the prior posts and how he had been treating me up to that point, it was impossible to get anyone to understand what it was I was talking about, let alone myself.   

                                  Ive been reading this book called:  "Focusing"  by Eugene T Gendin,PH.D.   Its an old book,  but its a good book about learning how to focus on becoming more in touch with your feelings when it comes to problem solving. He talks a lot about how feelings get lodged in the body so on and so forth and takes you through practices of finding the source of what is the core problem that is troubleing you. 

                            Anyways,  Ive been so troubled by that last post because I had this feeling about it that I could not for the life of me express,  but yet I knew it was there. Something really,  really  wrong with it. Something wrong with everything! hes been writing to me in the last month. The way hes been talking about our break up,  as both of us being in pain... .    "Pain"  has been the theme with him and rubbing it into me as much as he can is what hes been up to.   I think he has sadistically and intentionally wanted to hurt me emotionally. He knows giving me the silent treatment works to upset me and causes me to work extra hard at trying to convince him that certain things did not happen that he claims had happened, which I think he has known all along didnt really happen. I guess what Im saying is that he has created this break up as an emotional soothing mechanism for himself and has intentionally created this pain "in" me just so he could feed off it.  This is why he still wanted to remain friends and I couldnt handle it because he was still being hurtful. He cant validate me in anything I say,  no matter how obvious and true,   because if he does "I" wont be in pain anymore and he wont be able to get anything out of relationship in this way that suits the kind of attention he needs for himself right now.   He's feeding off the pain I am feeling for him.                                                 

[goingtostopthis]

      It's funny but the more I relax and allow myself to feel what I feel the closer I get to my core feelings about all this,  which were much harder to find in the beginning being consumed in pain and anxiety all the time.

                                                       Ive come to realize that there are certain things I can't safely express here and to have validated the way I would like.  That I can accept,  since relaying a story is much different then actually being there in it, experiencing it first hand.    I know for certain my ex has some kind of disorder. What it is exactly I cant say because Im not a doctor.  Im educated, I deal with young adults with diagnosed disorders every day.  Ive been doing this for 14 years.  Enough said.

                                                           What I need to express, I need to express for the benefit of myself and that is why I'm starting this as a new post, started by me,  for my recovery.   

                           

                                 There has been something going on with my ex that I havent been able to put words to until now.  I tried on another post of mine in reference to him sending me a strange post, but I felt emotionally I was a ping pong ball in expressing myself. I just couldnt getting out straight.  His post back to me looked innocent enough,  but with out the history of all the prior posts and how he had been treating me up to that point, it was impossible to get anyone to understand what it was I was talking about, let alone myself.   

                                  Ive been reading this book called:  "Focusing"  by Eugene T Gendin,PH.D.   Its an old book,  but its a good book about learning how to focus on becoming more in touch with your feelings when it comes to problem solving. He talks a lot about how feelings get lodged in the body so on and so forth and takes you through practices of finding the source of what is the core problem that is troubleing you. 

                            Anyways,  Ive been so troubled by that last post because I had this feeling about it that I could not for the life of me express,  but yet I knew it was there. Something really,  really  wrong with it. Something wrong with everything! hes been writing to me in the last month. The way hes been talking about our break up,  as both of us being in pain... .    "Pain"  has been the theme with him and rubbing it into me as much as he can is what hes been up to.   I think he has sadistically and intentionally wanted to hurt me emotionally. He knows giving me the silent treatment works to upset me and causes me to work extra hard at trying to convince him that certain things did not happen that he claims had happened, which I think he has known all along didnt really happen. I guess what Im saying is that he has created this break up as an emotional soothing mechanism for himself and has intentionally created this pain "in" me just so he could feed off it.  This is why he still wanted to remain friends and I couldnt handle it because he was still being hurtful. He cant validate me in anything I say,  no matter how obvious and true,   because if he does "I" wont be in pain anymore and he wont be able to get anything out of relationship in this way that suits the kind of attention he needs for himself right now.   He's feeding off the pain I am feeling for him.                                                 

[growing_wings]

this is a great post Goingtostopthis!... .

It conveys an element of "surrendering" to me. I might be wrong, but i get this impression. Accepting the feelings, letting them be, without judgement.  This is what my T has been telling me, is ok to feel anything during a b/u, as long as we let those feeling be without judgement from my side, this has been a good tool towards healing, as in the past, i would try to stop myself from feeling sad, or feeling stuck... . as i associated these feelings to "not moving on"... when i allowed them to be, is when i started to move on! paradoxical...

   He's feeding off the pain I am feeling for him.                                                  

What you say above is important. For me, that was true, during the last stages of the r/s and just prior to me stepping away, i was in tears everyday, i was in pain and she could see that. At times, i would cry or be low for a whole afternoon, and she would not cry a tear, but instead go and talk with other friends and feeling ok with everything (almost pleased... . )

what do you think is the next step for you? are you willing to stop feeding him that pain?


For me,

[seeking balance]

I guess what Im saying is that he has created this break up as an emotional soothing mechanism for himself and has intentionally created this pain "in" me just so he could feed off it. [/b]

This is why he still wanted to remain friends and I couldnt handle it because he was still being hurtful. He cant validate me in anything I say,  no matter how obvious and true,   because if he does "I" wont be in pain anymore and he wont be able to get anything out of relationship in this way that suits the kind of attention he needs for himself right now.   

He's feeding off the pain I am feeling for him.                                                 

This is deep insights into how & why the borderline mind creates this scenario.  A pwBPD has  pain, they project that pain to cope and the projection object is needed for coping.

Detaching for me happened when I stopped feeling like a victim and started looking at the facts of the disorder - just the facts, not judging them - accepting them.

With the facts - I could process my own actual feelings rather than the confusion, lost and angry feelings.  

Your post also made me think of the 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck -https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Specifically this bolded:

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

[Stjarna]

This is why he still wanted to remain friends and I couldnt handle it because he was still being hurtful. He cant validate me in anything I say,  no matter how obvious and true,   because if he does "I" wont be in pain anymore and he wont be able to get anything out of relationship in this way that suits the kind of attention he needs for himself right now.   He's feeding off the pain I am feeling for him.    

Holy cow... . this really hit me in a core kind of way.  I have been struggling of late to detach from my ex-uBPDh of 40 years.  We have been apart for almost a year now, and the feelings of guilt and obligation still creep in from time to time into my consciousness.  Though it seems to be getting better and better in little bits as time goes on, I still find myself wondering if this fog will EVER completely be gone.  

We have gone through periods of NC and then gone back to LC, and then had a period about a month ago where he said he "Would give anything if we could just remain friends."  We have five children together, a couple of whom are needy, an autistic 21-year-old daughter and a 34-year-old son who is in rehab right now for heroin addiction.  So, in my mind I felt that we really DID have a valid reason for remaining in contact.  After a couple of times having coffee together and meeting at the hospital when my son was in there with a bone infection, it became obvious to me that having this contact was causing an extreme amount of pain.  I was having trouble discerning where the pain was coming from, really.  On the surface, it almost felt like I was missing him.  I do miss some things about him.  But in further digging and searching myself, I really feel that the contact was painful for me because he was doing exactly what you mention.  

He is still trying to control.  He will not say one validating thing about me or anything I tell him of my life.  He knows that I am in a relationship, and he makes comments like, "Well, if that's the best you can do... . "  and other derogatory comments about my new friend.  He constantly talks and brags about his multiple new girlfriends and how much this one in particular loves him, how educated she is versus I am etc., etc.  He talks and brags about every aspect of his life, how much better he is with his therapy, how much money he is able to save (while I alone support the monetary needs of the two kids above and am left with no extra spending money whatsoever), the trips he just got back from or is planning on taking now that he is retired (he just turned 62 in Feb).  He thinks that "friends" means that he can go on and on about all of this, offer no help to our children (he acts like they are mine and mine only, which was sort of representative of how things went over the 40 years, with him having little emotional connection to anyone).  He thinks that I should smile and nod and be happy for him, but if I mention anything that is going well for me, he immediately shoots it down with mean comments and criticisms.  Some friendship, huh?  You are right.  He needs to keep me in a state of "pain" because he needs to feed on it.  

And I wonder why I am sitting here, still worrying about him, worrying that he is okay.  It's taking every ounce of resolve that I have not to text him just to say Hi.   Boy, I have a lot of work to do on myself yet, but thank you for posting... . there is a little bit of clarity there that I can absorb to see the reality of the situation.  Thank you so much.  

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You  Growing Wings,

       That was a good ending question.  Ive been in no contact for 6 days now.  Ive been busy fussing about still giving him my attention for about 3 weeks prior to this. Its my attention he has been getting and sucking off of and getting some kind of a control power trip over it. Like its making him high on himself.  Im still finding it so hard to believe that someone could be so cruel. He changed over night.  His whole personality! Its makes me wonder,  geee,  has the FBI got him under some kind of mind control? wacky ya... .   I know.  How ever,  I saw the signs coming to the surface gradually before this.  He'd all ways come back to himself eventually. Now I think ,this isnt going to happen.

                                 I think because Ive been in no contact now, Ive calmed down a bit and taken some time to center into myself.  Im not happy with what Im seeing but it's giving me the strength to not want to talk to him.  I say,  not "want" to.   Usually when people go into no contact it becomes this thing of all ways feeling like you have to hold your self back. You are denieghing yourself what you want to do.  I think this is part of it and all ways will be, cant get around that,   but mainly it needs to be something where you just dont have the desire, because you dont  want to.

           I cant prove if my ex is actually being sadistically demonic or not. Thats what it sounds like doesnt it?  This is how it feels. He could be this sick, you know, and doesnt have a clue what he's doing.  I mean,  Im just asking questions,   What is the motivation behind splitting on people by BPD's?  I saw an interview on tape of one openly admitting that she knew darn well all her reasons for making her boyfriend bad werent true.  Quite frankly, I think its manipulation, emotional abuse, out right. All designed to get the kind of attention on themselves that they want to ease their fears. 

                   I dont know, Im not sure I even care anymore.  All I know is that I feel that Ive been seriously manipulated and it isnt going to stop until I stop feeding it. Its all ways been about him, never been about me and hes proven it in the last month like nothing else.  He has it.  BPD.  I know he does.  Hes really been getting off on shaming me and talking down to me like a child. And really enjoying the oppurtunity when he can break me down enough to get it, to tell me its over in his most dooming , you must face the fact way.  Which in every case has been nothing but an acting out of this new character person he thinks he is now. Mr.  Authoritarian Adult Man who feels frickin nothing!  Nothing like he used to be at all! I could be dealing possibly with a split personality here too.   He's ill.  Lets face the facts.  His monster came out and  I fed it a steak!  big time... . How was I to know?  No way I could have.  I did what I did,which was to mainly defend myself and continue to be as loving to him as I could,  showed him my pain openly and he ate that for lunch and dinner and is still eating it.

                                                                                                                  My pain validates to him that he is loved and wont be abandoned.  bottom line... . hes using me as a kind of drug thinking that he can go on now with out me and be this big cool frickin guy and feel just fine------and in the back of his mind I know he thinks I will all ways be there for him to sound off on so he can feel better about who he thinks he is now. I wont be there.  + I wont be there.    Im gone now.   and it feels good.   thanks for listening... .              

[myself]

There were times I took on the role of scapegoat for her, to help ease her pains if I could. I'm still working my way free from having done that. It took me quite awhile to realize it wasn't doing either of us any good. It was going to be a pattern that went on for the rest of our time together. She dumped it all on me at the end. I wasn't in a r/s to be taken down, but to elevate myself and my partner. She decided not to come with me into something more positive. Disorder or not, she's a full-grown woman, smart, and has a heart. I know she intentionally hurt me because I saw and felt it happen and she admitted it. I don't know how she releases her pain now. I'm gone. I value myself too much to continue being devalued. Especially when it's someone who "loves" me.