Bpds contradictory statements

[gravity1]

I am new here and am having a hard time with my boyfriends contradictory statements. If I do what he requests, or go along with something he says, he will claim he never said it or become angry with me for going along with his request!

We will make tentative plans for an evening and then he won't answer the phone because he "fell asleep early." Before I knew about his disorder I would become very angry, but my anger would create him giving me the silent treatment. I feel though that if I don't get angry enough, that upsets him too or he genuinely assumes I went out with someone else.

How do you deal with your BPDs contradictory statements? I feel like I'm constantly falling into traps!

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[123Phoebe]

Hi gravity1

Oh yea, the tentative plans trap... .  Sorry to hear you're dealing with this sort of thing   I've been there and it feels so twisted!

Boundaries boundaries boundaries and being true to you will help in correcting this.  :)id I mention boundaries?

When he bailed on a tentative plan, I went ahead and did it anyway.  No show for the movie we 'planned' on seeing?  I went alone.  I felt every feeling associated with being blown off or forgotten about.  BLECH!  Then escaped to the movies.  Wow, it felt empowering not needing him to go to the show.  I told him how awesome the movie was, too   And let him think whatever he wanted about it.

Once he realized that I wasn't sitting around wasting my time worrying about what he wasn't doing for me, that I can take care of myself, he began paying more attention.

It has been years since he's forgotten about a tentative plan.  Not saying that every single plan is followed through with, as life happens and things come up.  We can discuss this now ahead of time, without blame, fear or control driving it... .  

[waverider]

Its part of black and white thinking. They find difficulty weighing up pros and cons then reaching a best compromise decision. What happens is an idea pops into their mind on impulse... So its happening plan it, they mean it. Sometime later a reason not to do it, or just the impulse passes. So they decide its not happening.

Lack of empathy means they do not appreciate that they are stuffing others around. If you complain, they go into auto defense/denial. You end up in pointless conflict that just goes off on a tangent

As 123 phoebe says, do not assume a plan will happen, try to have a plan B, and if its something you would like to do, go do it. As much as possible remove your dependency on their decisions or it will breed resentment

[Lilibeth]

I've found help in what you've said Waverider, and a little more understanding. This line has really touched me: 'As much as possible remove your dependency on their decisions or it will breed resentment.'

To remove my dependency totally is what i am striving towards... . have just taken one teeny step by telling him that i will go to the vegetable market by myself - met a huge wall of words, and though i was quaking, said i would go anyway... . and i did. This is also part of my healing, a part of getting myself back, Waverider, because i used to be fairly independent earlier.