News about my BPD ex-feeling pretty bad

[tomjon78]

Since november I havent heard from my BPD ex. A few text messages. Today a mutual friend of ours, who b.t.w hasn´t been talking to her for a few months told me some news.

She is pregnant and has a new boyfriend for a few months now. She is planning to move with him.

A few crazy things... . she is looking at an apartment next to her ex... . the father of one of her children.

Secondly she is saying lies about me... . that I have been harrazing her and telling some crazy lies about me.

I just feel bad about this. I´ve been struggling even dating or having any interest in women and for her it is as easy as switching socks.

I will try to stay strong, I know I will survive this. But this hurts me

[myself]

Sorry you're struggling with this, that is hard news to hear. Grieve it. Let it go.

Remember, this probably isn't 'easy' for her. It's desperate. It's trying to cover up her pain, her shame. Trying to feel like she's somehow in control. Like she's ok with things, at least on the outside.

Make sure you take your time, really process what you're going through. Don't make desperate moves of your own. She can lie all she wants. You know the truth about yourself. Hang in there.

[LA4610]

i am sure this is every tough on you and you are very hurt, but you have to believe that your the lucky one. whoever got her pregnant now has to deal with her FOREVER. their relationship will only get worse once a child is in the picture and divorce/money/custody issues are close to a given. also, who even cares what she is saying about you. i wouldn't look too much into that. you know what is true and what isn't. think about it like this... . would any smart person believe gossip from a woman who is about to have two children by two different men? i don't think so.

[fromheeltoheal]

It seems as easy as switching socks because that fantasy that seemed like an adult emotional connection to us was really the amount of emotional connection we could have with a sock.  The big question moving forward is why did we mistake that fantasy for the real thing?

[tomjon78]

Well some elements of this just make me wonder about myself. For me this was relationship the worst dissapoinment in my life. I was the one who got out of it. I had to before she would tear me apart. I´m thankful for that choice.

But i´m still struggling finding balance again. She pops in my mind every day. I´m seeing a therapist every week and I am even feeling ashamed talking about her to him sometimes. Just wish I could push some kind of erase button in my head.

The weird thing, I´ve been reading a lot about BPD´s and this was actually what I predicted. She signed up to some rescue squad seminar (saving people on montains and so on). I just knew she would meet someone there quite soon and she is now in a RS. with her coach and they are planning on moving in together after a few months. (which was the same story for me and her).

I just wonder. Is this really normal? She´s pregnant right away. It´s not my problem I know. But it hurts alot. She owes me a lot of money, she destroyed things in me: my self confidence, is talking trash about me and I opened all of my self to her.

She begged me to give her another chance until like 8 months ago and even tried to sleep with me in october. I just can´t believe this is normal... . I know it´s BPD and it really hurts.

I really hope this will help me in the end these news... .

B.T.W this is her third child with the third different guy. And both the fathers of her children are expecting children also... . is that coincidence of what?

I guess she never loved me... . i was just a toy for her delusional f-cked up head.

As for the trash talk... . it hurts because she has done this before and many people sympathize for her.

I decided at the time not to pursue the money she owed me but now since she is planning on buying a new apartment with her boyfriend, my fair gut tells me I should, but me emotional wellbeing could be in jeopardy.

Any thoughts on that?

[fromheeltoheal]

I decided at the time not to pursue the money she owed me but now since she is planning on buying a new apartment with her boyfriend, my fair gut tells me I should, but me emotional wellbeing could be in jeopardy.

Any thoughts on that?

Well, you pegged it, the tradeoff between the money and your sanity.  Mine owes me money too, I'll probably never see it, but it isn't much and the preservation of my serenity is worth ten times that much, so I'm letting it go.

Also consider that however bad it was with her when you split, it could be much, much worse if you go to war now.

[LettingGo14]

I decided at the time not to pursue the money she owed me but now since she is planning on buying a new apartment with her boyfriend, my fair gut tells me I should, but me emotional wellbeing could be in jeopardy.

Any thoughts on that?

I don't think it's worth the trade off.  My post-abandonment interactions led to miserable feelings about myself.   I like your three words, "life goes on."  I think we're all here to help each other past the hurt, and out of the FOG.

I'm really sorry you learned all of this so suddenly.  It makes me sick to think about.   But, as others said, we have no idea how BPDx experiences life.  Mine would be sailing high one day, and crashed the next. 

I hated being abandoned.  I hated being replaced.  But, once I found out I wasn't alone, it made breathing easier again. 

[Surnia]

Hi tomjon

I am so sorry to hear the news and your struggle with it. 

Its a lot together. I would be hurt too.

No, 3 children with 3 different fathers isn't a sign for healthy relationships. Unfortunately making babies is quite easy...

I agree with you on the money, it can backfire bc you need to put energy in.

Please don't give up the healthy things in your life. Keep posting here, tomjon.

[tomjon78]

Thank you all for your comments... . somehow the world is strange. Here´s what happened today.

I met her on the streets near to where I work. Haven´t seen her in almost 5 months now. I decided I wanted to pass her and not see her. But she got the eye contact and said "Hi". I stopped. Said "hi" and the conversation was quick:

She: "how are you doing"

Me: "I´m doing fine" ... . slight pause... . I said "heard you are expecting a baby"

She: smiling said "yes, who told you?"

Me: xxx told me (our mutual friend)

She: ok

Me: Have to go, bye bye

I took a fifteen minute walk and felt really bad, lost my breath and felt sick. Got home an hour later. Went to the gym and punched the heavy bag really hard and did some workout.

Now I´m home really tired and feeling somehow strange, not really upset but glad I´m not the one having her child. Glad I´m not with her. But sad to have ever have met her, sad to see I still am not over her. Sad seeing her "happy" and feeling kind of surreal about all of this.

Thankfully i´m seeing my therapist in the morning. I will not give up and let this backfire on me. But still this is a trigger for some strange thoughts.

It´s also hard to have this kind of anger I have towards her.

This sucks !

[Tausk]

Hey TJ:

It hurts a lot.  It hurts like hell.  It doesn't make sense. The feelings of being discarded like an old pair of shoes that she claims smells like dog sht.  

But it's the Disorder.  It doesn't make sense.  It's not meant to provide happiness.  It's meant for survival of a traumatized three year old... . but that's not a recipe for sanity.

I'm sure you are angry, and confused and sad.

One suggestion, is that your ex now will be having another child.  If you can't depersonalize and let go for yourself, try to do it for the unborn child.  The children are at risk.  They may not survive.  Recognize that there's a boundary that is bigger than the two of you. 

And in the meantime, keep on the board, and keep doing the work.  I contributed to the destruction with my ex.  It took me a while to figure out how, but now it's gotten much better for me.  I still have moments.  I still have imaginary conversation. I still have argument (which I lose), but it's gotten better.  You are very recently out of the interaction, but the trauma bond and PTSD are a strong.

It will come.  You're not alone. You will recover. 

[Surnia]

Hi tomjon

Yes, it sucks. And anger is not so easy for some of us.

I think you handled the encounter quite courageous, asking her directly about the baby. You can be proud of it.

Now I´m home really tired and feeling somehow strange, not really upset but glad I´m not the one having her child. Glad I´m not with her.

Stick with your values, Tomjon. And keep going. 

[beatrixkiddo]

I understand the pain. It can be physically excruciating. But I promise... . Her moving on is the kindest and most merciful gift you can ever get from the end of a borderline relationship. It's hell when they hang on. The revolving door is a hell all its own. I finally understood that. Unfortunately mine just wouldn't let go. And I kept jumping back in to the fire never coming out the same, and declining into hopelessness.  A good therapist and meds that we call a "life-jacket" for now are what have kept me strong. When I left the last time, I was an emotional hurricane. But 3 years somewhat "clean" from that insanity has made me see the hope of life again. And I had lost it. I believed that just breathing was a successful day. So hang in there and stay strong. Now the thought of not having this new life scares me to death. I almost didn't make it. You will get there too!