She got engaged... Not shocked...

[Johnny Alias]

6 months and engaged... .

I never pulled the trigger. Too much rage and substance abuse.

She's gotten worse. Raged at now ex-friends. Hospitalized twice for alcohol/drug issues.

It won't last I know. Still in honeymoon phase.

She can't have a kid. She can't. Too old and screwed up. I want this. I do.

Thing is he's nuts too. Was engaged to two women at same time... . Proposed to one after 3 months... . Gets in bar fights... . Screams at women... . Steroids... . Bona fide narcissist.

I can't be there for her when this bombs out. I can't. I cannot save her. That's the hard part.

Still this makes her easier to let go... .

[DiamondSW]

Goodness, you're lucky...

I'd give it 3 months tops, it's tough enough if they're married to a healthy person, this could be chaos. 

actually, did I say you're lucky?  hmmm... .   that implies it affects your life in a good/bad way... .    

I think the truth is watch from a distance but try not to care. 

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for posting.  This is going to happen to me too.  I am certain of it. 

I am very grateful you wrote about it, because it makes me go back to the list of 10 things that keep us hooked.

I just need to remind myself I am glad to be off of the roller coaster.  I need to remember I was an object that will be replaced.

Hang in there.

[buddy1226]

Wow... It won't last. No way. My money is on them never making it to the altar. It sounds cliche and i would struggle with it but from an outsider looking in, be glad. If it were not for him she would still be causing chaos in your life and making you miserable. There is no happily ever after with these women.

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks. A friend made a joke and wondered if he recycled one of the old rings from previous fiancés. Baha.

It won't last but it helps with closure. 

[growing_wings]

It won't last but it helps with closure. 

Hey Jonny, sounds like a sudden decision from her part... . it is nice for you to think you cant be there to save her, and indeed that is the hard part... . but now really, it is someone else's problem/situation to handle.

well, time for you to move on for good , move on for yourself... . work towards radical acceptance

wish you well... . wish you well

[Mirdin]

My ex did the same thing, got engaged after 3 months f meeting a new guy. They broke up 4 months later. Then got back again and 2 months later broke it off for good, now there is a new guy in the picture. After 2 and a half years of not being with her and having a great healthy relationship myself, it's kind of funny (I know, also cruel) to guess for how long her relationships last. I just don't care about her anymore and so it's just funny... .

No, they never last, if it does, they're both screwed up... .

You should be glad you got out of the grinder my friend... .

[Clearmind]

You are right it won't last.

What does this mean for you Johnny? Does it help you detach? It's important to turn the focus on you and your feelings rather than her.

[Johnny Alias]

You are right it won't last.

What does this mean for you Johnny? Does it help you detach? It's important to turn the focus on you and your feelings rather than her.

I'm not sure... . It kind of is I think.  I want to just run away from all this and setup a new home in another state to just get away from her... .  

I'm not in a good way right now for anyone.  I'm trying to focus on learning to be alone.  That's NEVER been easy for me.  Got a lot of childhood issues and family was almost wiped out about 8 years ago in a big accident. My tendency to accept abuse for sake of a dream family is way too high... .  

She's going to be at a party next week for a couple I promised I would see before they move away... . am thinking I'll go at the very beginning and bail since I know she won't be there.  She's habitually late to everything... . and yes there's a small chance I'll see her but I want to not care... .   I can't run from this forever... .

[Clearmind]

Good for you Johnny - although it sucks you are on the right path. You have insight into where you can focus your healing. Baby steps. Keep posting

[Johnny Alias]

God... . I just found out they were doing piles of blow and ecstasy and buckets of booze when they got engaged... .

This is who she really was... . she was restraining herself so hard with me.  She's an alcoholic and drug addict. 

Forget the borderline diagnosis... . this is MORE than enough to let someone go. 

Her reality is so not based in this world.  She has to party all the time.  She has to make the world into some fantastical dream because she hates it SO MUCH. 

I asked her friend (soon to be ex friend since she rages at her all the time) to stop telling me things.  She can't help it and I can't help myself.  She's just as caught up in it all as I am.  It just makes me more angry.  More betrayed.  More regretful I couldn't change someone who doesn't want to change and can't save because she doesn't want to be saved!

Thanks god shes's losing her looks.  Thank god.  If she were younger this would be too hard to bear. 

[myself]

Johnny, you need to take the focus off of her and keep it on yourself. Why be so stressed over something you admit you can't do anything about? Accept you care, accept you tried, and accept that walking away from it is best. It's frustrating and sad to know that is happening in her life. She's the one who has to live it, and is deciding to do things the way she is. I cried again last night thinking of the bad choices my ex makes, where her pain comes from and how she runs from it and covers it up instead of facing it. That's who she is and who she'll be when she doesn't change it. All we can do is work on ourselves. I know you know that, just a friendly reminder. Take it easy on yourself, ok? Let it go. Live your own life.

[Johnny Alias]

I'm trying... . reeling from all this... . she also went to a swinger party with her new fiance and had a threesome that night... .  

ON THEIR ENGAGEMENT NIGHT! 

Feel nauseous... . partially because I'm jealous?  The sex with her was amazing.  I won't like.  We had some nights like that but I know deep down that it is NOT STABLE... .

She will attack him eventually and her looks are almost gone.  Just fricking nuts. 

[blissful_camper]

I sympathize with you, I really do.  It's painful, and at the same time an eye opener, when you see how they are conducting themselves and what they are choosing to bring into their lives.  This is who they really are though. 

I went through this myself.  I couldn't believe it.   A friend told me that I would learn the truth of who my ex really is after I left him.  He was right, and what I learned was shocking.  You were shown this for a reason.  Embrace it.  You have more than enough information to know that she's not healthy. 

You may need to cut contact with friends who aren't respecting that you don't want to hear about her anymore.  I had to do this, and while difficult, it was the healthiest choice for me so I could heal and move forward in my life.  I eventually cut contact with all mutual friends.  I just let that chapter of my life go.  Please take care of yourself. 

[Clearmind]

I'm trying... . reeling from all this... . she also went to a swinger party with her new fiance and had a threesome that night... .  

ON THEIR ENGAGEMENT NIGHT!  

Feel nauseous... . partially because I'm jealous?  The sex with her was amazing.  I won't like.  We had some nights like that but I know deep down that it is NOT STABLE... .

She will attack him eventually and her looks are almost gone.  Just fricking nuts.  

Johnny what are you trying to reconcile?

I glean from your posts that she is unstable - what is it that is not sitting well? That some other man has her not you? That you are demonizing her cause it makes you feel better about not being with her?

[myself]

Johnny, you mentioned her appearance a few times. It wouldn't matter if she stays beautiful her whole life, would it? Here's the truth. It's what's inside, and how she acts, that matter most. Hearing what she's up to hurts you more than helps you. Wish her well, from your heart, and let her go.

[Ironmanrises]

I can't be there for her when this bombs out. I can't. I cannot save her. That's the hard part.

I had to come to the same realization. Not easy at all. My exUBPDgf is with someone else now. The outcome was already set at its conception. I will have to make sure to keep her out of my life when she comes storming back.

[Johnny Alias]

I know I harp on about her looks fading... .

Seriously that's part of her seduction power... . part of what kept reeling me back in.  Men aren't that smart after all. haha... .

I'm just glad they're almost gone because in the end I realize that is the only thing that kept me in there... . all the kindness, idealization, etc., was just part of her cycle... . then came devaluation... . and discard. 

i broke up with her i did.  I couldn't imagine bringing a child into this. 

You're right about not hearing about her.  You're right about my ego.  It does hurt it.  I can't help but think if I'd been more wild and crazy that I could have tamed her anger... . but I know that's a pipe dream. 

I will try to wish her well and let her go... . but understand that hearing about this stuff has really ripped open healing wounds... . I'm bleeding right now. 

My date tonight is in for it.  Got to get my game face on.   

God working out helps.  Woof.  That just made me feel so much better. 

[buddy1226]

I hear ya about the looks thing and I think rightfully so. We all know it's what's inside but it's no secret that they use their looks as a weapon. If they were not as attractive then they would not be able to pull of the idealization phase so successfully... They would not be able to move on so fast and hurt us even more than they already have as quickly. It's like a devastating aftershock when they are with someone right after the torment they put us through.

I know I preferred seeing my ex in the train wreck state I saw her in last as opposed to the way fondly remember her. I know that's not the healthiest view and no doubt it will pass until we could care less.


John, you're doing good, man. We landed here about the same time dealing with very similar situations and you've held the line a little better than myself at times proving that doing the right thing produces the right results. Keep it up and I'm going to follow suite. Have FUN tonight. You deserve it!

[GreenMango]

I'm not sure... . It kind of is I think.  I want to just run away from all this and setup a new home in another state to just get away from her... .  

I'm not in a good way right now for anyone.  I'm trying to focus on learning to be alone. [\b] That's NEVER been easy for me.  Got a lot of childhood issues and family was almost wiped out about 8 years ago in a big accident. My tendency to accept abuse for sake of a dream family is way too high... .  

She's going to be at a party next week for a couple I promised I would see before they move away... . am thinking I'll go at the very beginning and bail since I know she won't be there.  She's habitually late to everything... . and yes there's a small chance I'll see her but I want to not care... .   I can't run from this forever... .

You don't sound ready to date.  It sounds like revenge dating or maybe self soothing dating.  Not a good place to be when you want a family. 

 

My date tonight is in for it.  

Why are you dating?

[Johnny Alias]

Because I'm lonely and in pain and want some validation.

Maybe it's weak.

I'm probably not in the right spot to but I need it.

This woman went through something very similar to me. We talked about it for hours last night. She's seeing a therapist. She's a good person. 

I think we just want to commiserate more than anything. We've suffered greatly.

I just can't be alone right now. Not after everything thats happened. I'd call my best friend but he died a few months ago.

This all just sucks.

Look I appreciate you all trying to help but I just needed to vent. I'm coping the best ways I know how. I've cried, been seeing my therapist, working out, taking trips, but I'm not going to give up dating. I might not be ready for a long term relationship but I want to have fun with Someone... . At least to know there are good women out there... . Because right now I'm jaded cynical and in total PTSD. I was abused for four years and sitting at home by myself is not going to help me. Maybe something more in the future but light for now. Best I can do.

[buddy1226]

You're good, man. I've got a date tomorrow night and I'm just starting to laugh again. Just because we go out with someone doesn't mean it's a relationship. I'm with y, particularly if we are honest and let them know the deal.

[GreenMango]

It does suck.  It is going to be like that for awhile.  There are good people out there.

Johnny it is totally hard I get it.  Most of here know the sadness and lonely feeling is a real struggle.  I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.  This is another incredible loss.  You sound like you are grieving.

I'm saying this because if you've read around enough here long enough one common pattern is to jump into dating being vulnerable like you are now can make you compromise in unhealthy ways or possibly not have a good bearing on decisions/noticing red flags, or god forbid start another unhealthy relationship.  How did you get involved with your ex?  Was it one the heels of a breakup?

That being said it is totally important to have a support.  A healthy and solid one.  Friends, family etc can be a real comfort.  When you with your ex did you find your other social circles shrinking?   How is your larger support system (not therapy)?

I'd like to encourage you to look at those detachment steps (to the right margin------> at self inquiry.  Possibly sit with those feelings for awhile and not impulsively or emotionally react to these overwhelming emotions.  It takes practice.

Before you met your ex did you actively avoid emotional pain?

[blissful_camper]

I understand the huge need to move one's life forward.  It's a pretty natural thing to want when you come out of something like that.  I felt the same way, when I left my ex.  I felt I had wasted a lot of time and wasn't going to waste anymore of it. 

Shortly after the relationship ended, I became romantically involved with a former boyfriend. His friendship meant a lot to me.  We dated for a few months, but that was too much too soon for me.  I wasn't ready for dating, not even close.  I had to do the healing alone. I'm glad I made that decision.

Listen to your inner voice, and honor it.  If dating feels good and healthy great!  If it doesn't, give yourself alone time.  I wish I were ready to date, but I know I'm not. I doubt I'll be ready for quite a while.