If they refuse to cooperate?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am still in the house we are sleeping in separate bedrooms, I try to speak to my wife as little as possible.   My main reason for staying is to keep communications with my dBPDw open as long as possible. I guess official separated, most of my states rules.  I plan an retaining with the lawyer as submitting paper in the next couple weeks.  My wife states she will not cooperate with divorce proceeding and intact move away to another state and lose communication with everyone we know.  I am about 99% percent positive my wife has not shared our I guess pending divorce with anyone her parents, her family, or any her friends.  We have not went public share the news with anyone as of yet.

I realize what she does is not my concern, and I wish her the best and want her to be able to move on with her life.  If she moves away it will just make divorce proceedings much more difficult.

Has anyone else experience this?  Anyone have any suggestion to force positive conversations so this process can go forward?

[Mike76]

I am still in the house we are sleeping in separate bedrooms, I try to speak to my wife as little as possible.   My main reason for staying is to keep communications with my dBPDw open as long as possible. I guess official separated, most of my states rules.  I plan an retaining with the lawyer as submitting paper in the next couple weeks.  My wife states she will not cooperate with divorce proceeding and intact move away to another state and lose communication with everyone we know.  I am about 99% percent positive my wife has not shared our I guess pending divorce with anyone her parents, her family, or any her friends.  We have not went public share the news with anyone as of yet.

I realize what she does is not my concern, and I wish her the best and want her to be able to move on with her life.  If she moves away it will just make divorce proceedings much more difficult.

Has anyone else experience this?  Anyone have any suggestion to force positive conversations so this process can go forward?

[Matt]

Any kids?

[Mike76]

No kids... .    Part of the reason I ask this question is if my wife does not cooperate it takes 2 years for the divorce to finalize.

[Matt]

If your wife has BPD or something similar, then it's pretty likely she won't cooperate, and the harder you try to get her to cooperate, the worse things will go, and the longer they will take.

Talk to your lawyer and find out exactly how the process works - what the steps are - if the other party does not cooperate.  Make sure each action is taken on the first possible day.  For example, where I live, a key step is to get the trial date set.  I asked for a date about three months away, and the other party asked for a date about six months away.  The judge chose a date in-between.  But it was still good because that set the longest the divorce could take.  Many people don't file a motion to set a trial date, so things can take even longer.

When you understand the process and what steps you need to take when, then focus on doing that, and make sure - instruct him in writing! - that your lawyer knows not to agree to any delays without your written approval.  Sometimes lawyers agree to a delay out of professional courtesy to the other lawyer.  Look for anything like that, which could add time, and nip it in the bud - talk with your lawyer and make sure he is helping you do that.

If that sounds like "It will probably take 2 years." - well, it will probably take two years.  Maybe you can find ways to speed it up.  But the key to getting it done is to take strong action, with no delays, to move without the other party's cooperation.  Then if the other party decides to cooperate, to save both of you money and time, great - it could happen faster.

Negotiating with someone who has BPD only works, in my experience, when they believe that not cooperating with you will have negative consequences for them very soon.

[Mike76]

Thanks Matt, mostly what I thought... . I asked a lawyer the questions that I had, I then try to talk about them to my wife, and now I just have more questions.  I was hope to work a few things out before I filed, but I realize I have no other options now.   I believe she may refuse to even get a lawyer, and and ignore this situation.

[Matt]

If she doesn't get a lawyer, that's her decision.  You just do what you need to do.

Minimize communication with her.  E-mail only.  No discussion of the divorce.

Living with her, one big risk for you is false accusations.  If she calls the police and says you hurt her or threatened her, you will go to jail - guilty til proven innocent, and it's very hard to prove your innocence.  (It happened to me and many others here.)

If you are sure the marriage can't be saved, my suggestion is to move out as soon as you can, and have no contact with her, except e-mail with cc: to your attorney.  It's not worth the risk.

[ogopogodude]

Living with her, one big risk for you is false accusations.  If she calls the police and says you hurt her or threatened her, you will go to jail - guilty til proven innocent, and it's very hard to prove your innocence.  (It happened to me and many others here.)

  It's not worth the risk.

The above is SOUND advice.  You had better protect yourself. Make sure your iPhone as well as iPad, and iPods are ALL charged and ready to record video content.  You are setting yourself up for a false accusation situation. BPD's scheme, plot, what ever you want to call it, ... but you will LOSE big time.

Your reputation is at risk.  Your livelihood is at risk. Your assets are at risk.

Do whatever you want, though. 

Trust has now been literally thrown out the window. DO NOT TRUST your mate at this point. She does not trust you, just so's you know.

[Mike76]

Thank for your suggestion about the false accusations.   I have never hit or been really tempted been tempted to hit her(that is just not whom I am), although she hit me in the past.   She never even apologized nor ever said there may have been a better way for her to handle her anger until after I said I wanted a divorce.  Even a year into marriage counseling(during sessions) she would say I deserved it, because I made her mad. The BPD was not officially disclosed to me until December 2013(I suspected in 20122), even-though the MC had the diagnoses in June 2013, made by her individual therapist.

That being said I realized if she places a complaint against me, she wins... .  

[Matt]

Sounds very much like what I went through - my wife would throw something at me, and then say it was my fault for not doing what she wanted me to do.

When things got worse, she wanted to hurt me, so the accusations got worse.  Finally she called 911 and told them I "threw her down the stairs".  If the officers who came had believed her, they could have charged me with attempted murder, but they caught her lying, and their report - issued a few weeks later - proved it.  But on that night, they had to follow their procedure, which meant they had to arrest me and charge me with something - assault - even though they knew my wife was lying.  That caused me huge problems, and the arrest record is still online today - and always will be - so any potential employer can see it easily.

The only sure way to avoid something like this is to never be alone with that person, without a non-family adult third party present all the time.

[livednlearned]

Your wife may be in denial about the pending divorce right now, and when you actually file, she will actively turn against you. It can be triggering for nons to receive official legal documents, and much more so for pwBPD. Have you read Splitting: Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? He was formerly a counselor, then began practicing law. He recognized that most high-conflict cases involve a PD, usually one disordered spouse, sometimes both. There is a lot in the book about divorce when kids are involved, but it is very useful even if you don't have kids. The same issues apply. Family court is an adversarial system, and it helps to understand how that might impact your case.

It is not possible to walk on eggshells and get divorced at the same time. Trying to keep the lines of communication open with her right now is more likely to put you at risk than anything. And anything she agrees to now she can very easily decide to obstruct later. Many of us experience this with our BPD sufferers. A lot of pwBPD will consent to something in front of a judge, and then obstruct in more ways than you can even imagine.

The key is to find a good lawyer, learn what you can about the process, get a therapist to help you through the process, come here for peer support and guidance, read Splitting, and pace yourself. Find out what you are liable for during legal separation, and how her actions might impact you during the divorce process just in case she does something with financial or legal implications that could impact you.

The stage you're at right now is the worst. You are detaching, your heart is in shreds, probably still very enmeshed with her emotionally, trying to walk on eggshells while firing up the legal machine. But it does get better. Things will start to make sense to you. This site is so helpful, lots of people here have spent more time in court than many of us wish we had.

We're here for you. You're not alone. And you'll make it through this. 

Do you have somewhere you can stay after you file?