BPD magnet

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Is it possible for a non to become a BPD magnet? They have several ppl on their life that show the characteristics of BPD or other MHDs such as NPD?

They have a parent that shows characteristics, then a long-term r/ship with a partner with BPD characteristics. Is this a common thing?

TY in advance

[questioncentral]

Is it possible for a non to become a BPD magnet? They have several ppl on their life that show the characteristics of BPD or other MHDs such as NPD?

They have a parent that shows characteristics, then a long-term r/ship with a partner with BPD characteristics. Is this a common thing?

TY in advance

[growing_wings]

Hi questioncentral

in my view, Is not about being a BPD magnet, is about who we as individuals seek to be our partners. Has been said a few times on this board that we seek partners that match our own emotional level (or maturity), therefore, if we have unresolved core issues, some of us might keep looking to get "nurtured" by people who exhibit BPD traits.

For example, i am co-dependent and worknig at it. I am working hard a breaking a pattern where i expected others to control my life and to "Nurture me"... . my exwBPD gave me a LOT of nurturing and understanding during hte honey moon and i fell for her like crazy, then , as part of her wish to gain more and more control she started to dictate how i should live my life, and part of me liked this. Until things got really really messed up and i took a step away.

If i dont work in fixing my co-dependency, the next person that shows up in my life with "nurturing" capabilities will become my "love" target again... .

is not about being a BPD magnet, it is about us realizing what issues / needs we need to fix ourselves, and which ones can be "complemented" by our partners.

hope i explained myself ok... .

[growing_wings]

Hi questioncentral

in my view, Is not about being a BPD magnet, is about who we as individuals seek in others to be our partners. Has been said a few times on this board : "we seek partners that match our own emotional level (or maturity)", therefore, if we have unresolved core issues, some of us might keep looking and looking to get "nurtured" by people who exhibit BPD traits, even after we break up with a pwBPD.

For example, i am co-dependent and worknig at it. I am working hard a breaking a pattern where i expected others to control my life and to "Nurture me"... . my exwBPD gave me a LOT of nurturing and understanding during the honey moon and i fell for her like crazy, then , as part of her wish to gain more and more control over me she started to dictate how i should live my life, dress, etc... . and part of me liked this, i even confused her extreme jealousy with love!. Until things got really really messed up and i took a step away.

If i dont work in fixing my co-dependency, the next person that shows up in my life with "nurturing" capabilities will become my "love" target again... .

is not about being a BPD magnet, it is about us realizing what issues / needs we need to fix ourselves, and which ones can be "complemented" by our partners.

hope i explained myself ok... .

[questioncentral]

Hi growing_wings

You explained that fine, ty.

It makes sense. I will have to spend some time reading about core issues, because yes, that sounds correct. The need for nurturing sounds right, because it explains how I ended up with exH and why to spite all that's happened I still try to be "friends" with him. Because I hope that maybe if I show him some compassion, he'll return it; maybe if I "work with him", he'll be able to compromise too. But that never happens... .

Does this start with childhood r/ships? I've often thought and said that my exH is so much like my mother because with her it was the same; me looking to her for nurturing only to have her be mean, belittling or more demanding/controlling. I did not have the most loving childhood and I've been the "blacksheep" for as long as I can remember - never meeting her expectations or living up to her demands. Lots of conditions and never able to meet any of them. And that dynamic was repeated with my exH.

Her and I don't even speak anymore because my exH and her have a very close r/ship that I want no part of (a very unhealthy triangle?) They seem to relate quite well, actually - especially when they decide it's time to punish me for not jumping through their hoops anymore.

TY for answering, I'll read about core issues. I'm sure even in this answer I've identified a whole bunch of them.

[growing_wings]

It makes sense. I will have to spend some time reading about core issues, because yes, that sounds correct. The need for nurturing sounds right, because it explains how I ended up with exH and why to spite all that's happened I still try to be "friends" with him. Because I hope that maybe if I show him some compassion, he'll return it; maybe if I "work with him", he'll be able to compromise too. But that never happens... .


Does this start with childhood r/ships? I've often thought and said that my exH is so much like my mother because with her it was the same; me looking to her for nurturing only to have her be mean, belittling or more demanding/controlling. I did not have the most loving childhood and I've been the "blacksheep" for as long as I can remember - never meeting her expectations or living up to her demands. Lots of conditions and never able to meet any of them. And that dynamic was repeated with my exH.

Her and I don't even speak anymore because my exH and her have a very close r/ship that I want no part of (a very unhealthy triangle?) They seem to relate quite well, actually - especially when they decide it's time to punish me for not jumping through their hoops anymore.

TY for answering, I'll read about core issues. I'm sure even in this answer I've identified a whole bunch of them.

Hey question central, lets see what others respond... but i want to share my experience.

for sometime i was in the same place you describe above, where i wanted to be "friends" with my ex in an attempt to get some compassion or nurturing from him in return. the reality, is that pwBPD have trouble keeping a stable source of compassion due to the push /pull dynamics. But the issue with expecting others to fulfill this basic need is that even the non's, sometimes they will provide it, and sometimes they wont/cant, so it is up to us to nurture our basic needs first... I am working on my own self soothing based on chats i have had with my therapist. but i can relate to what you describe above well.

Answering your question regarding childhood: Yes, again, more senior members can provide their perspective, but yes, issues with FOO (Family of origin) are common.  Looking to fulfill childhood needs through r/s ... . we need to move beyond this need, so we can live fulfilling lives that do not depend.

great work in looking about core issues! for me, this has been the way forward.

When i finished the r/s, i wanted to remain friends with my ex (I couldnt possibly think of doing otherwise), but it was a frienship based on need again... . as time goes by, as i work in myself, i feel less need to remain friends with her, or to need her. I have my down days where i would like to chase that nurturing she offered to me, but i know that is not real, so i work on fulfilling my own need.

are you seeking to work with a therapist? or how would you like to work on the core issues as a next step?

[questioncentral]

"are you seeking to work with a therapist? or how would you like to work on the core issues as a next step? "

To answer these. I have not been able to find a therapist close enough to where we live. But I've identified that I need to find one.

It's only been recent that I can even admit that I'm not wonder woman and that all of it has added up like bricks one on top of the other and crushed me. I'm very much depressed. I can find glimpses of feeling good in some things (school work, my own goals and what r/ships I do have) but those glimpses are getting farther and fewer between the longer this goes on.

I'd like to be able to identify these core issues because if I never take care of me, I'll never be able to unload of some of these bricks.

That's why I came here. I don't know exactly how to work on the core issues and I'd like to find out how - maybe not so much about trying to understand others but to look in the mirror and be able to understand myself and how I relate to others.

It's okay to be able to identify that yes my exH has all the characteristics of BPD and my mother has all the characteristics of NPD and BPD (it's been so easy and comfortable to cling to the life-raft of blaming them and to nurture my feelings of resentment anger about what "they've done" but now I'd like to be able to identify what I've done/accepted/allowed and what is wrong with me.

And that starts at my own core... .

[growing_wings]

It's only been recent that I can even admit that I'm not wonder woman and that all of it has added up like bricks one on top of the other and crushed me. I'm very much depressed. I can find glimpses of feeling good in some things (school work, my own goals and what r/ships I do have) but those glimpses are getting farther and fewer between the longer this goes on.

I'd like to be able to identify these core issues because if I never take care of me, I'll never be able to unload of some of these bricks.

hey Question central!

is so good you came here, i have found a great deal of support on these boards, so do stay and share your views with people that can understand you as we have gone through similar situations ourselves. Senior members are great at providing great insights based on knowledge and experience.

You say something critical: you need to take care of you. this is very important. Make sure you look after yourself well.

I am sorry you feel depressed, but you are taking action which is very good. How can we support you?

please keep sharing, we will be here to listen 

[questioncentral]

Hi growing_wings

To answer the question "how can we point support you?"

well, it's nice to have my questions answered  I named myself aptly, I do have a million questions.

So far today I've done a depression quiz = 76   - and the thing is, while I was married it was in the mid-range, when I left it dropped to minimal, then when the parental alienation started and all the court stuff heated up it's been high since. the end of court stuff is soon and will be final this time. so maybe that number will come down again soon. for long periods of time when I'm n/c with exH the depression level goes down significantly - but the more it fluctuates the harder it gets for it to come back down.

Did the personality disorder quiz - my highest score was avoidant but not over 50. it does reflect how I've been, yes, it's rather accurate. "Core issue is an inability to meet their codependent need for connection with their codependent fear of rejection and/or discomfort/anxiety around others."

That makes perfect sense actually, because I value my r/ships greatly with my kids, friends, extended family (even my Mom, as difficult as that can be), co-workers etc. but since the PA started and it is extreme, I do feel great fear of rejection and very anxious around others. In the last few yrs, almost all r/ships I had are now gone - like almost everyone I ever loved got on a plane and it crashed - they went to support him and I couldn't fight with him to keep them. So on some level I feel guilty for cutting them loose to spare them/me the games he played, but on another level I feel rejected and abandoned by them.

We moved to a new city and because of all of that I'm afraid to meet new ppl - not to mention really involve myself in the r/ships I have left, even though I want to. Now becoming almost agrophobic - afraid to leave the house, but God I love it when I do 

Then I did the color personality test and I'm a blue - a helper. One of the career recommendations was journalist. Go figure. In my former career, way back when, I worked with ppl every day. I wrote freelance for magazines and stuff - met a ton of ppl and loved my job. I gave up that career because exH was very jealous of me meeting so many ppl and made control accusations about it, called me a "banger sister". But I do love being around ppl and working with ppl.

So I'm living this huge conflict between loving being social, being around ppl; and feeling rejected, abandoned, fearful. I did go to a counsellor for a short period about 4 yrs ago - she said I have characteristics of PTSD. Maybe the trauma I experienced was so many ppl I loved going out of my life so fast. I lost a sibling a decade or so ago and it was devastating and the mourning was hard - now, it just feels like I've been in a very long period of mourning all those ppl that left/I left behind.

So far, my personal inventory summary is - I'm depressed, my core issue is avoidance of ppl that conflicts with my personality who is a helper and loves people, and I do believe I'm in some kind of mourning. In short - I'm a mess... . So if anyone can point me in the direction of further exploring these topics, I'd very much appreciate it.

My SO came home today with a phone# for a MH clinic not too far from where we live. I'll be calling in the morning 

[Surnia]

Hi questioncentral

I am so sorry to hear that you feel more and more depressed. 

I am glad you could put this in words here.

Being depressed, avoidant, its very familiar to me. I was there too.

Any action will be important, so calling the clinic near by would be great. 

Another good thing is moving your body. Walking a dog, exercising, all kind of things bringing some energy back.

Hang in there, QC, and keep us posted. We care about you. 

[questioncentral]

Hi Surnia,

Thank you for the welcome.

I did call the clinic and booked an appointment for next week. It's a preliminary to see what's what, if they can help and how they can help. Instant anxiety for me - And, believe me, the "1000 and 1 ready-made excuses" tape is already playing in my head... . the same one that plays whenever SO and I make plans, but I'll get there. SO won't let me beg off this one because he'd like me to get back to being "old" me. I'd like to get back to being old me too. I used to be fun, I used to be present - actually, I used to be the person that ppl came to when they were depressed, stressed or angry for help or sound advice. Tables turn and first steps - can't face a problem until you know/admit there is one, which now I've done.

The moving my body is great advice - I used to walk every day and do yoga, and I've forgotten how wonderful it felt.

I read your post earlier today and took it to heart. We went for a walk - and, it's really nice out there. I forgot that too because before all this started it was hard to keep me in the house. Baby steps. Small goals. 

It's not going to change or revert over night, even though I wish it could. I was reading Co-dependent No More today. I'll take that in small doses too. I think sometimes, that being depressed and being avoidant is much like being an addict - it becomes a safe comfort zone to dwell, stress and worry and otherwise cling to negatives. So, I'll approach it like they would in AA or NA - one day at a time, some good and some maybe not so good. And I'll keep posting... .

[Surnia]

Hi QC

Good to hear from you again and that you went walking. 

Yes, baby steps and each of it counts.

It's not going to change or revert over night, even though I wish it could.

This is important, I think. Being patient with yourself.

I have avoidant traits myself and one of the really big helpers on the path for me is the work of Brené Brown. She has written some books and great TED Talks. Perhaps this could be something for you.

[growing_wings]

Hey QC

Baby steps ... .   definitely the option here. Like Surnia also says, you have to be patient and compassionate with yourself.

You used to do yoga, what about trying that again?