Views from six months NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In a day or so (I can't remember which date in Sept. I just cut all ties and ensued no contact) I'd have reached that milestone of SIX MONTHS no contact with my ex - diagnosed - BPD. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, i.e still have all the advantages of my personality (in some warped view we could ever be friends) whilst beginning a new rebound which I have every belief crashed and burned a month in (one minute she had his name in her Facebook username, then not) but that's ill people, nobody really understands them, it's had enough to understand non-abnormal people.

Anyway, I was painted black at that point - her self-hate and hatred of anyone who is just able to transcend her BPD codes manifested, oc - so yes, I think that's why I haven't heard anything from her (although, like dogs, they're always back I hear?) and I certainly won't contact her.

IT IS HARD I'm still in the fog - I have denied myself partial closure of telling her what I have gleaned since the NC - how ill I realise she is - and I know that I will never receive closure from her.

It is like ... . of course when you get so far up a mountain vertigo sets in, you become scared and the higher you go the harder it becomes - or you're out to sea and the sea is wider and deeper out there - that's where I am at.

I dream about her - last night even. It's always the same theme, always me actually quizzing her did she cheat or what number relationship is she on now? Obviously, these things are in my subconcious because I had to endure the pain of A) A BPD breakup (rebound) B) No closure.

Outsiders have no idea. I refuse to believe outsiders, i.e anyone out of this board including my friends and family, have any idea... . I get sick of people saying 'everyone goes through a breakup' and sure they do - but some of the stories here and my own, drive it home - there's no breakup like a BPD breakup, it ends with their instantaneous seeking of a replacement, whose lives they will wreck. I don't think I'll ever be replaced, , as if.

I've been inches away from breaking the no contact to shout the woman down or to tell her this, that, the other - but you know what? I am stronger than that. - Silence is eloquent (Philip Larkin) and although I know I could destroy her with my insight she has this amazing ignorance, BPD-driven, of never being in the wrong, no empathy. So I won't win.

Fundamentally, I know that she's a spiteful person because what part of the BPD tangent includes being so deluded that you can't come to the person you claimed to love and say 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never worked on getting my illness recognised in the realms of the rel. (she was diagnosed, but apparently I was always the ass) I'm sorry, you're too good for me' bla blah blah

Gah.

Oh and all that YOLO thing is rubbish ... you live and die many times in life and clearly I need to be reborn, to live again. I'm dead atm, nowhere near stability.

[allweareisallweare]

In a day or so (I can't remember which date in Sept. I just cut all ties and ensued no contact) I'd have reached that milestone of SIX MONTHS no contact with my ex - diagnosed - BPD. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, i.e still have all the advantages of my personality (in some warped view we could ever be friends) whilst beginning a new rebound which I have every belief crashed and burned a month in (one minute she had his name in her Facebook username, then not) but that's ill people, nobody really understands them, it's had enough to understand non-abnormal people.

Anyway, I was painted black at that point - her self-hate and hatred of anyone who is just able to transcend her BPD codes manifested, oc - so yes, I think that's why I haven't heard anything from her (although, like dogs, they're always back I hear?) and I certainly won't contact her.

IT IS HARD I'm still in the fog - I have denied myself partial closure of telling her what I have gleaned since the NC - how ill I realise she is - and I know that I will never receive closure from her.

It is like ... . of course when you get so far up a mountain vertigo sets in, you become scared and the higher you go the harder it becomes - or you're out to sea and the sea is wider and deeper out there - that's where I am at.

I dream about her - last night even. It's always the same theme, always me actually quizzing her did she cheat or what number relationship is she on now? Obviously, these things are in my subconcious because I had to endure the pain of A) A BPD breakup (rebound) B) No closure.

Outsiders have no idea. I refuse to believe outsiders, i.e anyone out of this board including my friends and family, have any idea... . I get sick of people saying 'everyone goes through a breakup' and sure they do - but some of the stories here and my own, drive it home - there's no breakup like a BPD breakup, it ends with their instantaneous seeking of a replacement, whose lives they will wreck. I don't think I'll ever be replaced, , as if.

I've been inches away from breaking the no contact to shout the woman down or to tell her this, that, the other - but you know what? I am stronger than that. - Silence is eloquent (Philip Larkin) and although I know I could destroy her with my insight she has this amazing ignorance, BPD-driven, of never being in the wrong, no empathy. So I won't win.

Fundamentally, I know that she's a spiteful person because what part of the BPD tangent includes being so deluded that you can't come to the person you claimed to love and say 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never worked on getting my illness recognised in the realms of the rel. (she was diagnosed, but apparently I was always the ass) I'm sorry, you're too good for me' bla blah blah

Gah.

Oh and all that YOLO thing is rubbish ... you live and die many times in life and clearly I need to be reborn, to live again. I'm dead atm, nowhere near stability.

[node4]

Outsiders have no idea. I refuse to believe outsiders, i.e anyone out of this board including my friends and family, have any idea... . I get sick of people saying 'everyone goes through a breakup' and sure they do - but some of the stories here and my own, drive it home - there's no breakup like a BPD breakup, it ends with their instantaneous seeking of a replacement, whose lives they will wreck. I don't think I'll ever be replaced, , as if.

I've been inches away from breaking the no contact to shout the woman down or to tell her this, that, the other - but you know what? I am stronger than that. - Silence is eloquent (Philip Larkin) and although I know I could destroy her with my insight she has this amazing ignorance, BPD-driven, of never being in the wrong, no empathy. So I won't win.

Thank you for this. I needed to read this, this morning. I am feeling the same thing at 3 1/2 months out. It seems to be getting harder for me. I do not understand that. I am keeping my game face on, and leaning into the anger to keep my overall composer about all of this, I am going to try to fake it until I make it. I just hope "this" does not last much longer. I don't want to be here feeling like this a year from now. Not sure that I have it in me... . but what choice do I really have?

[Clearmind]

You sound angry! All part of the grieving cycle.

Have you assessed your role in the relationship dynamic? Why you were attracted to a Borderline and why stayed despite the abuse? Not everyone attaches to a Borderline and they say we tend to be attracted to an emotional equal.

We have much healing to do and much of it does not involve our ex's.

[myself]

they say we tend to be attracted to an emotional equal.

This is said, but I think many of the people who come to this site were dragged down when someone lied to us, got their hooks in us, and took advantage of our love and kindness. While struggling in the r/s we were at their level. This is not where we usually are, where we have better emotional balance. Finding they are too unequal, the truth within the FOG, is when many of us have our eyes opened and we detach.

[Soulslider]

"Finding they are too unequal, the truth within the FOG, is when many of us have our eyes opened and we detach"

I totally agree myself!

[allweareisallweare]

You sound angry! All part of the grieving cycle.

Have you assessed your role in the relationship dynamic? Why you were attracted to a Borderline and why stayed despite the abuse? Not everyone attaches to a Borderline and they say we tend to be attracted to an emotional equal.

We have much healing to do and much of it does not involve our ex's.

No I haven't really assessed why I was attracted to a Borderline - I don't see the need to, because I don't fundamentally see it as a case of being attracted to Borderline traits ... . in order to fall in love with her. She has lots of qualities and I loved her DESPITE the condition, which I knew of as she was diagnosed. I'm not saying it was constant abuse but it was definitely up-down BPD. I think the fact that I loved her despite the illness heightens my sense of anger given the circumstances of the break up. Six months out, six months no contact is like WOW. I mean, had I broken it and gotten some of this off my chest after, say, three months, perhaps I wouldn't be *as* mad (I'm not coming across that mad, really, honestly, nothing can *really* capture the feeling which is anger/sadness/depression/sickness - it's a feeling, you know, it's what you feel when you wake up.

I would have carried on and tried to love her despite the BPD because I did that for five and a half years, so ... . really, for it to end the way it did I'm sad that it had to come to that and I have to live my life with little consolation and no closure.

[GreenMango]

Delayed anger.  I know that one.  It took me awhile.

If you look at the detaching steps to the right hand margin which step do you think you are at right now?  (acknowledgement, self inquiry... . if you click on them they give a little more detail on)

[woodsposse]

Hey... .

Great posts.  And I too know what you mean about... . well, all of it.

I started my LC stage about last November.  I haven't spoken with her in real time since then.  We have had text conversations... . arguments - whatever - but during this past week when I had an opportunity to really slow down and process a lot more... . I wrote my last text and don't intend to write anything else.

I've said all I can say, need to say, and will ever say to her.  Mostly because a lot of what I could say I have said a million times in every form of saying it possible.  Loud, soft, with love, with anger, with sadness with joy... . nothing ever is heard.

Don't get me wrong - it's heard.  They aren't stupid.  But how many times can you say the same thing and get the same result before you realize you are talking to a wall?

I respectfully disagree on one point you made ("l'd reference the line, just don't know how to do that yet) - but it said that you don't think it is important to understand why we get attracted to and stay with a BPD.  I think this is actually a needed point of ponder.

For me... . it really did help explain why I decided to stay in the up/down relationship.

Although mine wasn't diagnosed BPD... . I knew she suffered from depression, anxiety attacks, she had a life changing injury happen so she is struggling with that (all the pain and suffering and doctor visits and so forth cause a lot of stress), and I knew she could get very difficult to handle sometimes with her emotions.  I knew all of that and stepped across the aisle anyway.

It was a coaster ride from hell.  Yes, I tried to find ways to deal with it - I tried to sqush my anger and frustration.  I tried to logic my way through illogical and irrational conversations.  I rationalized everything down from not wanting to go get a job (though we both knew with the economy crashing it would take more income but she still wouldn't do it), to not wanting to be intimate.  A lot of the things had a hint of truth to it... . just enough to make me second guess if I'm right in being angry or frustrated or upset.  all the while I was actually correct - second guessing myself destroyed my self esteem... . especially at home.

So why did I stay? 

Cause I was raised that way.  That was my household at home with my diagnosed mother.  Almost down to the very last letter (outside of sexual intimacy that is).  So part of me is there to take care of my spouse and put up with the crap because I put up with the crap in my household where my mother was doing the same things... . and I did anything I could to make her "not unhappy" so I can have the "good mom" back.

Maybe I wanted to get back on my mom's "good side" and have her pay attention to me and not make me out to be a bad child.  I'm sure that is part of it - but mostly because when she is off the chain my mother was a freaking tornado.  And I just wanted the storm to stop.

Maybe so I could just be normal and not freaked out all the time.

Whatever it is... . yes, knowing why drives us to want to stay is a good thing.  That isn't to say that we need to run away from our significant other once we realize what we are dealing with if they are diagnosed - nor do I suggest we need to run away because we tap into the fact that we ourselves had gone through something in our formative years which made up rip for these types of relationships.

What I am suggesting is that in the knowing of ourselves and the why - and in knowing what a relationship can bring with those diagnosed we are in a better position to support them and at the same time not discarding us in the process.

Personally... . I never want to be involved with anyone with a diagnosis of anything.  The rent is too high.

I'm even afraid of furthering relationships with people who tell me, often, they are depressed.  They have been depressed for a long time... . so forth and so on.  Those words stop me dead in my tracks.

Another example... . there is this guy who is a friend of my friend.  I met him once and all he talked about was how he is depressed and anxious, on this med and that for the condition, that he has had a number of heart attacks and was advised not to drink or smoke or do drugs but he gleefully says how much he drinks, smokes and does drugs even though he knows if he had another heart attack he would die... . not to mention he just had his 3 DUI and needs one of those breathalyzer things to start his car.

Yeah... . this guy would NEVER EVER be in my circle.  That is a walking talking accident unfolding and anyone close to it is gonna get sucked in and the potential for total devestation is not an understatement.

So to know what relationships are like with someone who is diagnosed with clinical depression, BPD or any of the others... . big huge red flag and at this moment in my life... . I will run the other way.

I am too patched together at the moment to take on someone elses issues.  I'm so messed up, I don't even know how messed up I am.  The FOG is a bhit!

[Soulslider]

Hi woodsposse,

"I am too patched together at the moment to take on someone elses issues.  I'm so messed up, I don't even know how messed up I am.  The FOG is a bhit!"

I don't know how to paste yet either :-) I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, it's all too similar, especially the emotional struggle and the FOG. What helps me with FOG is asking the question/s:

1. What is it, that I genuinely look for in a woman or relationship? My two answers are: security and trust

I can't really tick any of those with my exdBPD

Stay strong :-)

[Clearmind]

they say we tend to be attracted to an emotional equal.

This is said, but I think many of the people who come to this site were dragged down when someone lied to us, got their hooks in us, and took advantage of our love and kindness. While struggling in the r/s we were at their level. This is not where we usually are, where we have better emotional balance. Finding they are too unequal, the truth within the FOG, is when many of us have our eyes opened and we detach.

Exactly my point! Many of us who come here have their own issues that were brought to the relationship. No one can drag you down without your permission. Many stayed well beyond the relationships use by date. These are things some of us need to explore as to why and much of it lies in relationships skills and/or FOO issues.

You have been around here a while myself - I'm sure you have seen it many times how members make apparent links to FOO.

FOG didn't start with the relationship - it's was already there.

[myself]

No one can drag you down without your permission.

Many stayed well beyond the relationships use by date.

FOG didn't start with the relationship - it's was already there.

Thanks Clearmind, I agree with what you wrote. Wanted to say something about the quotes above.

I think you can be brought down without your permission, because for many of us it was like we were frogs in gradually hotter water. When we realized it was getting hot, we did what we could to cool things down. Some of that because of our FOO issues, some because we are caring loving people trying to make the best of uncomfortable situations. To save a marriage or friendship that we already had a lot invested in. In extreme cases of abuse, what permission was given? Yes we could have left sooner but for many of us there wasn't much choice at the time. Especially when our hearts were so involved.

FOG did come into these r/s with us, and was multiplied by the circumstances. That's where I've been looking, because it's part of the emotional level I am at whether I am in a r/s with a pwBPD, someone who is 'normal', or just by myself. As a friend, a parent, whatever. I have seen a T throughout this r/s, and she agrees, my ex pushed the buttons on the FOG machine every chance she got. It was up to me to get out when things got too bad. I stayed. I thought we could find a way, but there was no way. Learning better r/s skills, validating her, setting boundaries, the results were she got more frustrated and left while raging, while I became more balanced but alone. Ok, I see the gain in that but it's still a loss.

I think it's true that too many of us take too much of this on ourselves, and blame ourselves for being failures when actually we did our best and should be proud of that. My issues were not the reason this r/s did not work out. They were part of it, but it took two and while I did my best to nurture us towards being better together, she chose the same old patterns which were too damaging. That's not my fault, not my FOO, and not my FOG. She's not a scapegoat, and I refused to be hers when I walked away.

The best thing I can say about FOG is it keeps some people from committing suicide. Where they go from there is a whole other story. We do all need to face ourselves for best results in life.

[woodsposse]

I stayed. I thought we could find a way, but there was no way. Learning better r/s skills, validating her, setting boundaries, the results were she got more frustrated and left while raging, while I became more balanced but alone. Ok, I see the gain in that but it's still a loss.

Oh my.  When did you all start the ability to read my mind and use the EXACT words I would use to describe what happened to me?  :-)

I "knew" what I was up against and I too thought I could stay and find a way to work it out.  I honestly got to the point in our marriage I put me leaving on the table.  I was deathly serious - and wish I woulda followed my logical mind at that point.

What followed, of course, was a saying of whatever needed to be said to "calm me down" and not leave.  Sure there was good times after that... . and other family stuff, normal everyday things... . but through it we were okay.  But there were other arguments and slights which just didn't make sense.  Even if we started talking about them, they would end up in long long conversations with me, mostly, running the numbers - seeing how logically what is going on doesn't make sense.  deparately trying to find the right words or right combination of words to get this thing back on track.

Those words could never be found.  So... . other means were used to "protect" me.  I walk away to cool down (but this is taken as abandoning her).  I go to work (abandonment).  I take phone calls from her while I'm at work and she is freaking out over something and I take as much time as I can to call her down (mind you I'm at work)... . but since I can't spend a great deal of time the conversation has to get put on hold until I get home (not being there for her) - and when I get home... . everything is fine.  So I sit down to watch some TV or play a video game or do one of my hobbies (and I'm not spending enough time with the family)

NOTHING... . repeat NOTHING was ever good enough.

Things got worse when after all the years she didn't want to go back to work and due to the economy lost a job and eventually unemployment was running out - now all of a sudden I can't support the family so she HAS to get a job... . which she hated and I heard about it everyday... . but - wouldn't ya know it, not soon after she gets the job... . she starts lining up her next victim and starts a side relationship.

Of course - to her it isn't an affair.  They are just friends.  who just happened to start sleeping together two weeks after she left the house (Yeah... . sure... . anyone buying that time frame).

A few months after she moves out, I get a text on my birthday while I'm out on date that she is going to die soon and I finally get my wish to not have her alive cause she just got diagnosed with Cancer.

Of course, this totally ruined my birthday dinner.

She comes to the house a few days later (after I calm down and feel empathy for her and her new medical condition)... . so we can talk about it.  We talked about it for about 5 minutes - the rest of the time was spent talking about my new girl interest and how she feels she may have made a mistake and thinks us getting a divorce is a mistake. (of course she doesn't wanna move back in or make plans for any type of reconciliation... . and fails to mention that she is seeing this other dude... . who eventually got her pregnant... . they broke up... . got back together... . broke up... . you know the cycle).

Meanwhile, I'm ready to sign the papers and we get together to talk about it... . and tears come - and she is sorry - and she wants to tell me the truth about the other guy... . blah blah blah... . can you ever forgive me... . I love you... . and back to other boy toys and very bizarre conversations.

Bizarre isn't the right word.  But the whole one day I'm good, next day I'm bad... . so forth.

Meanwhile I'm starting to disconnect but it's difficult because NOW she can come to therapy with me under the guise we want to balance out our relationship due to our kids (adult kids... . out of the house... . but still)  and conversations swing widly from "I'm in love with someone else... . I love you but I'm not in love with you... . I think we should be together but we need to move to another state... . I'll never marry again unless it is to you.

Don't get me wrong - I knew none of it were true, but it is still hard to totally walk away even though you know for a fact none of this is real.

You can still argue with her, because some of what she is saying makes sense... . but it is the same argument over and over and over.

My therapist suggested we go to NC for a bit.  I actually was down for that.  She didn't want any part of that.

But when my buttons were pushed, I'm sure she wished we would have done NC... . because I let the anger fly.  But I'm sure that is what she wanted.  Another reason to claim I'm a son of a bhit.

So I have to live with that.

All the strides I made in trying to find better ways to communicate, better more productive ways to deal with stress, heck even finding peace when I know the woman I am with can look right at me and not see me - right out of the window because it didn't matter.

I could have been the sweetest man on the planet... . there is no logic behind it - and there was nothing I could have done.  Because there is ALWAYS something.  Always.

The scary part is - when it starts, you think "this is just normal relationship stuff.  Guess I need to learn to roll with the punches".

I remember when my grandmother impressed upon me a virtue of "roll with the punches".  Yes, I know it's a metaphor.  But I have a better one.

Stop standing there getting punched.

[Tausk]

Fundamentally, I know that she's a spiteful person because what part of the BPD tangent includes being so deluded that you can't come to the person you claimed to love and say 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never worked on getting my illness recognised in the realms of the rel. (she was diagnosed, but apparently I was always the ass) I'm sorry, you're too good for me' bla blah blah

Hey thanks for the update.  Six months is not that long.   One of the best pieces of advice I read was in the Wall Street Journal that recommend giving oneself two years to get over it.  And that was for normal b/u's.  For those with a BPD, and betrayal, and trauma bond, and PTSD... . it just takes more work.

One perspective that has helped me to depersonalize is not to think of my ex as evil or spiteful or ... . Because although parts of her are definitely those characteristics,  parts of her are also kind, and innocent, and sweet and beautiful.  Those are the parts that I loved and kept me stuck in the interaction as long as I did.

But the Disorder is destructive and manipulative and lured me and kept me in the insanity and FOG due to my shortcoming from my FOO issues.  

Looking at it from the perspective of the Disorder, depersonalizes the actions and gives me the ability to have compassion for myself, forgive myself, let go of some of the bitterness, and find some more recovery and growth.


Thanks again,  Congrats.  

[Madison66]

I'm about 90 days out since the b/u with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  I was done with the r/s in October, but succumbed to a short six week recycle.  Had 75 days of n/c going since December until my ex gf broke it last week to make a ridiculous request.  I was surprised at the anger I unleashed on an inanimate object (painting).  So, I understand the waves of emotions including anger that can linger.  All I can say is that I have an overwhelming sense of calm since it went down and finally really came to a sense of radical acceptance that the wackiness is going to come up every one in a while.  The reality is that the everyday craziness and emotional abuse allowed myself to endure for so long seems like a different lifetime.  It's only been 3 months and I'm sure there will be more struggles.  The amount of sunlight taking over the darkness really has me feeling optimistic for the future... .

[woodsposse]

I have seen this before... . but what is "FOO"?

[Tausk]

I have seen this before... . but what is "FOO"?

Family of origin

[allweareisallweare]

I thought: "To hell with it" as I caught a bus to work this morning at 5.30am - I'll send her a message, I'll send a postcard, try to alleviate - but then the day wore on - a sunny, warm day, another day away from her, not speaking to her, not dealing with her - and I thought I'm doing too well to blow this, I will never break NC, it's what it's there for - the only tool and weapon I have v BPD. So I promise, I won't - not that, you know, it has to be about proving that I can endure it, or that I can do it for the sake of it - I will never receive an inch of closure, compassion or concession, so what is the point, I await for her (I swear it will come) to contact me, which I shall repel.

Thanks, good luck and peace all, I appreciate your replies.

[woodsposse]

I have seen this before... . but what is "FOO"?

Family of origin

Ah.  I understand.  Thanks.  :-)

[woodsposse]

I thought: "To hell with it" as I caught a bus to work this morning at 5.30am - I'll send her a message, I'll send a postcard, try to alleviate - but then the day wore on - a sunny, warm day, another day away from her, not speaking to her, not dealing with her - and I thought I'm doing too well to blow this, I will never break NC, it's what it's there for - the only tool and weapon I have v BPD. So I promise, I won't - not that, you know, it has to be about proving that I can endure it, or that I can do it for the sake of it - I will never receive an inch of closure, compassion or concession, so what is the point, I await for her (I swear it will come) to contact me, which I shall repel.

Thanks, good luck and peace all, I appreciate your replies.

Oh have soo been there done that.  Well, that is, I went a month without talking to her (mainly cause I was upset) and broke down and wrote a letter... . long email... . called - the works.  We started communicating again.  Nicely at first - but the fights started almost immediately.  And they were so stupid.  They almost always centered around the fact that I knew she was "lying" to me but was so insistent she wasn't and that she was in the right.

Try and let her go - and she won't leave.  But she won't recommit either.  Drove me insane.

Hadn't texted her since December after a huge text argument and vicious things were said and he last text to me was "I hate you".  I calmed down and apologized... . but no reply.

After the new year I finally broke down and reached out for some texts (no calls).  They went okay for a bit.  Then got to a point where I could "forgive her" and "forgive myself"... . so had to share that.  It went okay.

Then this past week sent her a happy b-day greeting a few days before her b-day (I didn't want to have my name popping up on her phone on her b-day)... . and that was the time that I fully stumbled on to this sight and joined the community... . realized my FOO was totally F'ed up and my mom had been diagnosed (unbeknownst to me) - and the clarity started rolling in.

I could put my relationship with my mom in proper perspective.  I could put my own dealings with people in proper perspective - as well as my first and second marriage (heck, now that I'm thinking about it... . almost every relationship I have had was chuck full of PD... . and I was so conditioned to think it was normal).

Now I don't contact her.  I don't have a need to.  I don't have a want to.  Wheter she will eventually want to reach out to me or now is no where in my head.  I don't wonder what she is doing - I don't wonder who she is doing it with - I don't wonder if the relationships she is having work or don't (but at last time I heard... . they certainly are as rocky as mine was with her).

I don't need to ask the kids how she is doing.  I don't feel the need to run to her rescue - or go visit her in the hospital (oh, that was a big thing!  She was always "sick" since we were together and we spend googobs of times in hospitals and doctor offices... . I was always there - felt the need to come when she called.  About a year ago - even after the split - she said she had to go to the ER.  I felt horrible she was going to be there alone, so I made my way to the hospital to be with her... . hated every step I was making as I walked to the entrance.)

She had recently been placed on bedrest in the hospital with complications of her pregnancy. She wanted me to come visit.  It was odd.  The hospital she was at was the same hospital we spent a lot of time at with her other conditions... . and... . is on the way to my G/F house.  So I passed by there all the time - it felt so strange not to go and stop in and be there for her... . but at the same time it felt strange that I even wanted to.

I resisted and didn't ever go.  I'm glad I did.  Or else I would never be able to get those pictures out of my head.  And even if I did go - it would have changed nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I would still be in the wrong.  I'd still be "on the outside" of my own life.

But that is the thing... . I'm not on the outside of my own life.  I'm just on the outside of hers.

Yes, I made the mistake of thinking her life was my life and vice-a-versa.  But it wasn't.  And it isn't.

I have a "new life".  It has nothing to do with her.  I'm happy that she isn't a part of this - so why would I want to bring her into it by calling, texting or wanting to see her (for anything other than business related issues?)

And on that matter - why would I want to have her occupy space in my head - thus bringing her into my new relationship with my new G/F?  That's absurd.

I wasn't able to make the hard choices to leave when it was financially feasible for me to do so.  So in the end, again, I'm back to ground zero financially - and have a mountain of debt to clean up and a mountain of hurt to recover from.

Why on earth would I want that woman anywhere near me again?

[Ironmanrises]

In a day or so (I can't remember which date in Sept. I just cut all ties and ensued no contact) I'd have reached that milestone of SIX MONTHS no contact with my ex - diagnosed - BPD. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, i.e still have all the advantages of my personality (in some warped view we could ever be friends) whilst beginning a new rebound which I have every belief crashed and burned a month in (one minute she had his name in her Facebook username, then not) but that's ill people, nobody really understands them, it's had enough to understand non-abnormal people.

Anyway, I was painted black at that point - her self-hate and hatred of anyone who is just able to transcend her BPD codes manifested, oc - so yes, I think that's why I haven't heard anything from her (although, like dogs, they're always back I hear?) and I certainly won't contact her.

IT IS HARD I'm still in the fog - I have denied myself partial closure of telling her what I have gleaned since the NC - how ill I realise she is - and I know that I will never receive closure from her.

It is like ... . of course when you get so far up a mountain vertigo sets in, you become scared and the higher you go the harder it becomes - or you're out to sea and the sea is wider and deeper out there - that's where I am at.

I dream about her - last night even. It's always the same theme, always me actually quizzing her did she cheat or what number relationship is she on now? Obviously, these things are in my subconcious because I had to endure the pain of A) A BPD breakup (rebound) B) No closure.

Outsiders have no idea. I refuse to believe outsiders, i.e anyone out of this board including my friends and family, have any idea... . I get sick of people saying 'everyone goes through a breakup' and sure they do - but some of the stories here and my own, drive it home - there's no breakup like a BPD breakup, it ends with their instantaneous seeking of a replacement, whose lives they will wreck. I don't think I'll ever be replaced, , as if.

I've been inches away from breaking the no contact to shout the woman down or to tell her this, that, the other - but you know what? I am stronger than that. - Silence is eloquent (Philip Larkin) and although I know I could destroy her with my insight she has this amazing ignorance, BPD-driven, of never being in the wrong, no empathy. So I won't win.

Fundamentally, I know that she's a spiteful person because what part of the BPD tangent includes being so deluded that you can't come to the person you claimed to love and say 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never worked on getting my illness recognised in the realms of the rel. (she was diagnosed, but apparently I was always the ass) I'm sorry, you're too good for me' bla blah blah

Gah.

Oh and all that YOLO thing is rubbish ... you live and die many times in life and clearly I need to be reborn, to live again. I'm dead atm, nowhere near stability.

A very good chance she will return. Especially if she has done so before. Mine sent me via her cousin(in disguise) a friend request via Facebook just days before posting on Facebook that she is in a new relationship. Is that a coincidence?  NO. Why? To see what I am doing without revealing herself. Why? Because she is mentally sick. Why send me that "feeler" when you are in a new relationship? Because she knows it will fail, so that I can become the fallback supply. Do they(pwBPD) come back? Mine has. And is still trying to. As you can see, although indirectly for now.