Coping With My Ex-gf Loitering At My Work

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It is now 6 months since my ex-uBPDgf and I split-up.

Thanks to the help, reassurance and guidance I have received from everyone here and friends elsewhere, I would say I am 85% over her.

I realise I actually did a pretty good job of seeing that something was not right with her. It's true I didn't stop the relationship's progression when I noticed what I now know were red flags, but notice them I did. I logged many events and in the final analysis I was able to summon that information and use it to distance myself from her.

In reality, it was she who actually 'hijacked' control at the end by slamming down the shutters and closing me out the instant she perceived I was distancing emotionally. In reality I had simply asked for some space, as I was no longer able to understand her behaviours towards me.

It was hard to instantly lose access to her children, whom I was growing to love, overnight and to have her go from saying 'I love you' one moment to 'I don't love you' 24 hours later and ignoring my very existence.

I have learned to be kind to myself. I know it's not about me. I know and feel if I continue to love and learn about myself I will continue to go from strength to strength.

There is, however, one scenario with which I would like to ask you all for guidance:

My ex still persists in loitering at one of my places of work.

I work as a physical therapist and one clinic is located in a major branded health centre. My ex is a long time gym-class attendee at this gym but never on the days that I work on the premises. In fact she had cancelled her membership not long before we split. Since we split, she has:

• Rejoined this gym.

• Loitered late in the café, such that I was forced to see her and her 'new man' sitting there alone, as I left work, just a few weeks after we split. I just kept a poker face and walked on past.

• Begun attending spinning classes, something she previously had no interest in, on a day and time at which she knows I am at work.

• Been seen, gesticulating to her 'new man' to get up and look into my room, or at me, one evening as my patient left the room. She had obviously manipulated him to sit there and do this.

• Regularly, loitered outside my room, whether alone or with her 'boyfriend'.

There is a small bank of lockers right outside my room. She does not need to use these. The majority of attendees of the spin class walk from their cars with just a small hand-towel and a drink-bottle; that is all that is needed.

My ex- manages to loiter for several minutes, 'using' the locker or hanging around close to my door, such that I would be forced to see her if I opened it when she was there.

I know this because I have one or two patients who know of her and I know many gym users who know what I went through with her and are apt to keep a good look out for her and spot her antics.

For my part I have avoided all contact since shortly after we split. This hasn't been difficult as she spat much vitriol at me and told me to, "... . never contact me again by any method".

If only she had followed this path herself. I have had withheld number calls, WhatsApp and Viber picture and status changes aimed at me (before I deleted my accounts) and even a FaceTime call showing her number.

Although she has seen me on several occasions since we split, mainly at this place of work, as I moved around, she has never seen me see her. So, effectively, she thinks I haven't seen her in my place of work since she first 'ambushed' me in the café to 'show off' her rebound boyfriend, nearly 6 months ago.

My point is this:

I respect that she has the right to use the gym. It would have been nice to receive a small communication to say that she would be around. This would have defused the situation.

However, that is obviously a fantasy in my head, with this disordered woman. Given that she lacks even this modest decorum I find it very difficult to feel comfortable on Wednesday evenings at my place of work.

I do not know how to handle this situation and tend to stay 'out of sight'. I have thought that I will just go about my business and if I see her I'll just smile gently and walk by. However, I feel this will make things worse as she will take this as some sort of signal that I still like her.

I have decided to simply show indifference and look at her, expressionless, when I see her. Just as I'd perhaps look at most other people I do not know.

This still leaves me feeling uncomfortable about encountering her at close range outside my door. It'll be like 'rabbits in the headlights'. There has been no closure between us, just her cut-off.

Why does she do this? After 6 months, the one place she might so easily avoid completely, by not doing that class or walking past quickly, by not using a locker in that location etc, she chooses to be at week in week out.

Part of me wants to confront her and just say, "... . STOP IT!" I know this is just going to be attention and play into her hands though.

I am so close to the end. If she wasn't forcing herself onto my radar she wouldn't be in my head to any extent at all.

Do I just continue to ignore her, at a small cost to myself and hope she gives up? I don not know what tondo for the best.

I'm grateful for any advice or insight.

[Aletheia]

It is now 6 months since my ex-uBPDgf and I split-up.

Thanks to the help, reassurance and guidance I have received from everyone here and friends elsewhere, I would say I am 85% over her.

I realise I actually did a pretty good job of seeing that something was not right with her. It's true I didn't stop the relationship's progression when I noticed what I now know were red flags, but notice them I did. I logged many events and in the final analysis I was able to summon that information and use it to distance myself from her.

In reality, it was she who actually 'hijacked' control at the end by slamming down the shutters and closing me out the instant she perceived I was distancing emotionally. In reality I had simply asked for some space, as I was no longer able to understand her behaviours towards me.

It was hard to instantly lose access to her children, whom I was growing to love, overnight and to have her go from saying 'I love you' one moment to 'I don't love you' 24 hours later and ignoring my very existence.

I have learned to be kind to myself. I know it's not about me. I know and feel if I continue to love and learn about myself I will continue to go from strength to strength.

There is, however, one scenario with which I would like to ask you all for guidance:

My ex still persists in loitering at one of my places of work.

I work as a physical therapist and one clinic is located in a major branded health centre. My ex is a long time gym-class attendee at this gym but never on the days that I work on the premises. In fact she had cancelled her membership not long before we split. Since we split, she has:

• Rejoined this gym.

• Loitered late in the café, such that I was forced to see her and her 'new man' sitting there alone, as I left work, just a few weeks after we split. I just kept a poker face and walked on past.

• Begun attending spinning classes, something she previously had no interest in, on a day and time at which she knows I am at work.

• Been seen, gesticulating to her 'new man' to get up and look into my room, or at me, one evening as my patient left the room. She had obviously manipulated him to sit there and do this.

• Regularly, loitered outside my room, whether alone or with her 'boyfriend'.

There is a small bank of lockers right outside my room. She does not need to use these. The majority of attendees of the spin class walk from their cars with just a small hand-towel and a drink-bottle; that is all that is needed.

My ex- manages to loiter for several minutes, 'using' the locker or hanging around close to my door, such that I would be forced to see her if I opened it when she was there.

I know this because I have one or two patients who know of her and I know many gym users who know what I went through with her and are apt to keep a good look out for her and spot her antics.

For my part I have avoided all contact since shortly after we split. This hasn't been difficult as she spat much vitriol at me and told me to, "... . never contact me again by any method".

If only she had followed this path herself. I have had withheld number calls, WhatsApp and Viber picture and status changes aimed at me (before I deleted my accounts) and even a FaceTime call showing her number.

Although she has seen me on several occasions since we split, mainly at this place of work, as I moved around, she has never seen me see her. So, effectively, she thinks I haven't seen her in my place of work since she first 'ambushed' me in the café to 'show off' her rebound boyfriend, nearly 6 months ago.

My point is this:

I respect that she has the right to use the gym. It would have been nice to receive a small communication to say that she would be around. This would have defused the situation.

However, that is obviously a fantasy in my head, with this disordered woman. Given that she lacks even this modest decorum I find it very difficult to feel comfortable on Wednesday evenings at my place of work.

I do not know how to handle this situation and tend to stay 'out of sight'. I have thought that I will just go about my business and if I see her I'll just smile gently and walk by. However, I feel this will make things worse as she will take this as some sort of signal that I still like her.

I have decided to simply show indifference and look at her, expressionless, when I see her. Just as I'd perhaps look at most other people I do not know.

This still leaves me feeling uncomfortable about encountering her at close range outside my door. It'll be like 'rabbits in the headlights'. There has been no closure between us, just her cut-off.

Why does she do this? After 6 months, the one place she might so easily avoid completely, by not doing that class or walking past quickly, by not using a locker in that location etc, she chooses to be at week in week out.

Part of me wants to confront her and just say, "... . STOP IT!" I know this is just going to be attention and play into her hands though.

I am so close to the end. If she wasn't forcing herself onto my radar she wouldn't be in my head to any extent at all.

Do I just continue to ignore her, at a small cost to myself and hope she gives up? I don not know what tondo for the best.

I'm grateful for any advice or insight.

[growing_wings]

Part of me wants to confront her and just say, "... . STOP IT!" I know this is just going to be attention and play into her hands though.

Do I just continue to ignore her, at a small cost to myself and hope she gives up? I don not know what tondo for the best.

hey Aletheia,

in my personal opinion, sounds like she is trying to get you to respond. All that stuff about being around your work place, etc is too coincidental. If you want to keep moving on, then dont bite the bait!, she might be provoking you so you get an answer... .

just keep ignoring her. Moving on, is leaving them to live their lives while you live yours avoiding any kind of bait.

imagine the scenario: you talk to her, the communication channel is re-open, you might feel you want to ask a question or two... how will you handle that?

[babyducks]

Aletheia,

My Ex did this too.  Engaged in some semi-stalkerish behavior that really came across my boundaries in a big way.    My Ex chose to show up in a public place where she previously had no interest or desire to be, knowing it was a place I had a serious commitment to be at.   It was one of the most difficult things about the break up.   It kept the wound open for a lot longer than it might have been and I struggled with it.

I've read here that people with the traits of BPD have an attachment disorder.   So it seemed with my EX's behavior.   Even though we were broken up, and she was saying she was moving on,  her actions, like volunteering in the community garden across the street from my house, really showed her disordered thinking.   As my T used to say "who does this kind of stuff?", people with poor executive function and a serious mental disorder.

I learned a long time ago with my EX, that when I thought things were finally becoming quiet and ordinary and was heaving a heartfelt sigh of relief,  she found them to be empty and vacant and would do something to stir the pot.   The world around her needed to match what was going on inside her so she constantly added drama to mix.

Her turning up at a lot of the places I went to was adding drama to the mix.   It was difficult because I was raw and hurt and she was way up in my space.   I tried to the best of my ability to handle it with maturity and dignity.  I particularly didn't want to sink to her level of acting like a jerk in public.  Those people who knew us and knew the story (or as much of the story as I felt comfortable sharing) also got sucked into the drama.   It was unpleasant.

I took the advice of the senior members here and went with civil but disinterested, cordial but unconcerned.   A couple of times, when I was tired or having a bad day I slipped and got sucked into the drama a little bit.   It was like fuel to her and she took whatever I did, or didn't do and ran with it.   Along the lines of "oh how hard this is, babyducks said such and such".   It was a classic double blind situation, something my EX was awfully good at.   I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.   It was pretty freaking tiring.

What my experience taught me was to keep my own side of the street clean.  I no longer contribute to her volatility in any way.  I can say empathically I do not regret walking past her and either ignoring her or avoiding her.

We have been broken up for 10 months now.   She is still at it.   I have detached enough and recovered enough to see her actions for what they are.  The pathetic actions of a lost and lonely child looking for comfort.  It took me a while to get to that point.

Here is my advice for what its worth.   Do not engage.  You can't win.   This is yet another thing that is about her disorder and how she processes emotions and information.  Find the high moral ground and climb up there.   Practice one liners in case you get caught short.  I had a couple of one liners that I used, I called them my White House Press conference canned replies, which I just about wore out.   My favorite was "I really can't talk about this now."

What was true for me was I worked hard on my recovery and my detachment and eventually I got to the point where I no longer really care were she is or what she is doing.  Time is a great healer of emotions.

Hang in there.   

babyducks

[GreenMango]

I'd echo both your and babyducks experience and it did effect the length of time it took me to detach because of the rolling exposure to this stuff.  It was exhausting and frustrating and uncomfortable.

It felt provoking.  i think that is exactly what this stuff is... . someone looking for an emotional response negative or positive (it really didnt matter just a response) to get validated in some way.  I did respond once to the attention seeking.  I wasnt nice.  Clear but not nice.  That was no - win like baby ducks mentioned.  My frustration and exhaustion came through.  

This was probably the most bizarre part of the disorder I didn't understand.  It took a therapist explaining to me the emotional part of disorder and how behavior manifests sometimes.  The whole session was a Q & A from me trying to wrap my head around the contradictions and how to handle them.  It helped quite a bit make sense if things to depersonalize the actions a bit.

I'm a huge fan of those scripted one liners.  Non combative and disinterested ones if you have to say much of anything.  

I do feel for you especially if you want to move forward and getting mired in this makes it tough.  Acceptance of chalking it up to the behavior and seeing it for what it is helped me to move past it.

working through the detaching steps helped me.  Working through each one diligently brought a lot of perspective.

[Aletheia]

Hi everyone

Thank you, as always, for your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

I shall continue to put the effort into avoiding seeing my ex-gf when I know she may be close to my room. Otherwise, I shall continue as now and move around the building with confidence.

In about 3 weeks I am going to USA for almost a month and I have orchestrated an early finish on my last day and first day back. This means, from her perspective, I shall be absent, with the office lights out etc for 5 weeks. Hopefully, she will lose interest.

I'm almost laughing as I type that as I think it is more likely that she will increase her efforts if she is unsure what I am up to. Right now, she knows where I am and what I'm doing.

In time I hope she will just tire and go away.

[Tausk]

Hi everyone

Thank you, as always, for your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

I shall continue to put the effort into avoiding seeing my ex-gf when I know she may be close to my room. Otherwise, I shall continue as now and move around the building with confidence.

In about 3 weeks I am going to USA for almost a month and I have orchestrated an early finish on my last day and first day back. This means, from her perspective, I shall be absent, with the office lights out etc for 5 weeks. Hopefully, she will lose interest.

I'm almost laughing as I type that as I think it is more likely that she will increase her efforts if she is unsure what I am up to. Right now, she knows where I am and what I'm doing.

In time I hope she will just tire and go away.

It sounds like a plan.  And a good one at that.  It may extinguish.  

But I would also say be prepared for it to get worse.  Not that it will, but prepare.



 Hope for the best... . PREPARE FOR THE WORST!

This may mean documenting.  Finding corroborating individuals to support you.  Seeing a Lawyer (Barrister?), because she's encroaching on your professional life.  It could escalate.

It's not unusual in the smear campaign and extinguish burst to have unwarranted claims and accusations made.  So if it gets worse and you need to let her know that you will enforce boundaries do it in a non emotional way, but in a manner that is consistent with the plans that you have prepared.  How will your business go if she claims you raped her or molested teenage girls while treating them.  And she will believe the claims even if they are fabrications.  

It's a Disorder. At this point she is Bat Sh'T CRAZY.  And she has no free will in decisions and has no boundaries and no sense of the truth.  It's not personal.  She's Bat Sht Crazy, and don't leave your fate in her hands.

So have a plan prepared in the event that things start to ramp up.   Don't wait until you're in the newspaper or court to respond.  

Just my opinion.  Have a good time here.  :)on't come to the Midwest,  The winter has sucked. Just go to Florida or the National parks or NYC.  

[babyducks]

Aletheia,

 

Whether she tires and goes away or not, will eventually become a moot point because you will continue to grow and change.   In 5 weeks you will be different.   

Enjoy your trip.

babyducks

[Aletheia]

Thanks babyducks!

I have decided to write a brief letter and create the situation I desire but which I know she won't give me. Does anyone have a serious reason why I should not send this?

**


Dear xxx

RE: xxx Health Centre

I notice, of late, that you have attended xxx Health Centre on Wednesday evenings.

As it is my place of work and I regularly use the facilities for leisure, I would like to preempt any awkwardness and as a matter of decorum acknowledge, on both our behalves, that your attendance might result in us briefly encountering each other at some point.

In the light of this I hope that neither of us will feel uncomfortable should such an occasion arise.

Regards


Aletheia

[growing_wings]

Thanks babyducks!

I have decided to write a brief letter and create the situation I desire but which I know she won't give me. Does anyone have a serious reason why I should not send this?

**


Dear xxx

RE: xxx Health Centre

I notice, of late, that you have attended xxx Health Centre on Wednesday evenings.

As it is my place of work and I regularly use the facilities for leisure, I would like to preempt any awkwardness and as a matter of decorum acknowledge, on both our behalves, that your attendance might result in us briefly encountering each other at some point.

In the light of this I hope that neither of us will feel uncomfortable should such an occasion arise.

Regards


Aletheia

Aletheia,

are you planning to send that letter to your ex?

are you choosing to engage and potentially open conversation to her? what are the real reasons for this, you know she wont stop going... . so what do you want to hear from her?

[Aletheia]

Hi

I feel that I am making a decision, in awareness, to create the freedom I want.

I cannot control her behaviour; I fully realise that. I know she will not give me closure and I know she was not adult and did not inform me that she was using the gym and that our paths might cross.

Thus far I have avoided any contact with her although I am fortunate to know what her actions are around my room etc when she is at the gym.

By writing I consider that I have taken the situation into my control. I cannot stop her coming to the gym and have no right to but by letting her know that I know that she is there it neutralises the 'surprise' element she has if we come face to face suddenly.

That is all I need. I don't care that she is there, only that she doesn't get an opportunity to make my life awkward.

The truth need no defence and by stating the facts I feel I have been honest and open. What she does with that is up to her. I shall just feel easier about my day.

If she continues to come I will find it easy to smile inside about the fact that she needs to be so childish. There is nothing I want to hear or care that she might say.

I either take control or live around her antics. I feel strong enough to take control.

There was a time when I didn't. I know I now feel strong enough to do this. It is inevitable that we will come face to face one day. I'd sooner do it having defused the surprise beforehand.

[growing_wings]

By writing I consider that I have taken the situation into my control. I cannot stop her coming to the gym and have no right to but by letting her know that I know that she is there it neutralises the 'surprise' element she has if we come face to face suddenly.

I see your point, can I ask another question, she knows you work there right? and she joined that gym after the b/u, probably with the intention to "bump" into you by accident... .

do you really think she will be surprised to see you there?

why do you want to avoid the element of surprise to her?... . I find it intriguing that you want to avoid surprising her face to face by writing her a letter... .

[Aletheia]

Hi

Yes, I understand your observation. She was previously a member and cancelled it shortly before we split. She rejoined shortly after we split. She did, of course, have a choice of other gyms but being balances about it I can see why she chose to stay at this one.

I have always felt that my being there was a 'useful adjunct' to membership. Her presence has not previously bothered me as I have not been so close to over it until recently. Now I do not need to cling.

To address your point; obviously, she will not be surprised to see me there. I am likely part of the reason she attends on a Wednesday. It's not her I am protecting, it is me I am freeing from the awkwardness she creates by loitering. I have seen her at the gym many times and friends tell me what she does. She has not noticed me see her since October. She does not know that I know she attends regularly. I have done a good job of avoiding her.

It is this avoidance I wish to end by letting her know that I have become aware that she attends on Wednesday evenings.

If she knows that I know that she knows I know she attends the value of her loitering to surprise me or get me to look at her or whatever she wants, is undermined. I don't care what she does as long as she knows I know she will be there.

She can be all the childish things in the universe as long as she can't surprise me when I'm greeting a patient or walking thorough the gym.

[Aletheia]

Well, a night's sleep and my unconscious doing its work has persuaded me not to send a letter.

It would indeed disarm her and remove her control at my place of work, but it would deliver to her the reward she has been wanting, my attention and proof of it in black and white at that.

It would be a mistake. No contact, indifference and distance seem to be the best approaches.

I will continue as I have been and hope she tires of behaving as she does. In time we will no doubt come face to face and my indifference will come across regardless of how we handle the encounter. The job will then be done.

[growing_wings]

In time we will no doubt come face to face and my indifference will come across regardless of how we handle the encounter. The job will then be done.

Aletheia hi!

glad you slept well! 

good point above...   you will have to face the situation when you encounter her face to face as you say, and then, your behaviour will speak louder than any letter you might want to send before.

keep moving on, keep moving forward. 

Like others have said on these boards, if you engage with her, you are "rewarding" that behaviour and she might come for more, or put more pressure. If you dont react to it, she will see she is not getting an answer and will eventually bore and move on onto something else that gives her the answer she needs.

your post comes at a time where i know i will face my ex at some point in the future... i will handle that int he best possible way ! but in the meantime, i am working on keep moving on... .

[Aletheia]

G-W

Good luck to you my friend, and thank you for your support (thank you everyone).

I have a belief, an observation I make regularly as I grow.

It is simply that what we say or do is perceived very differently depending upon whether we believe, deep in ourselves, in what we are doing.


So, the same words or actions, even if proven under forensic analysis to be identical, are received differently AND ELICIT A DIFFERENT RESPONSE if we truly believe in ourselves.

When you and I see our ex-s, how we feel inside, our true strength and indifference and honesty will influence how powerfully our ex-s experience us.

The truth needs no defence. Just be the true you and you will prevail.

[growing_wings]

When you and I see our ex-s, how we feel inside, our true strength and indifference and honesty will influence how powerfully our ex-s experience us.

The truth needs no defence. Just be the true you and you will prevail.

i really like this Aletheia... . thanks for this reminder! lets keep us posted when we see our ex's (by accident or by them walking into our world by "accident" 

[Aletheia]

G-W, that's a plan. I'll let you know when that moment happens.

Wedneday evening's performance, from my ex, will commence in about 90 minutes.

Keep in touch!