Wife announcing adulterous plan?

[Unleashed]

Hello, this is a VA case if it matters... .   We have been separated for months (separate houses), My BPD wife has repeatedly stated she will have a single male friend over for weekends.  Any pro's and con's to setting up an adultery case on this matter?  The male in question is known to be at least of fair to excellent integrity, but is a pushover.  He is well known to both of us.

Another question I have is the likelihood that this will be an adulterous engagement, or just a testing waters phase for her?  If she has been adulterous years past, it is just a 50% chance per limited circumstantial evidence that has crossed my path, she is not a convicted cheater in my understanding. I am reluctant to declare an adultery case on the first round, maybe let her sink a little more?  Any insight?

Thanks,

[Waddams]

My first thought is we probably don't know enough of the big picture yet.  So here's a series of questions first.

-You're separated.  Do you intend to divorce?

-Do you have kids?  How many/ages?

-What led to the separation?

-Do both parties work?  If not, who does/doesn't?

-How long have you been married?

My first instinct is worry about yourself first, and her second.  If you're separated, then live your life, build your life on your own, and move towards your own future.  Don't worry so much about her liasons with anyone, worry about getting a good financial settlement that will not encumber you too badly coming out of the divorce.  If there are kids involved, then get the best custody deal you can, and be there for your kids.

You'll find the more independent and strong you get on your own, the more nothing she does bothers you.  That's why she's telling you what she's doing with this other man.  She's trying to get under your skin.  Figure out some boundaries for yourself with her so she can't do that anymore.  Do you have a cousnelor?

As for this other man, if he's off fair to excellent integrity he wouldn't be screwing the wife (even separated) of someone else he knows personally.  Lots of people act, but if they don't walk their talk, what are they?  If it were me, that'd be grounds to just excise him from my life permanently.

[maxen]

an action in adultery in my state requires the third party to testify and admit it, short of having a witness walk in on them. and, there is no effect on the distribution. it's still brought, rarely, when there are custody issues involved. no custody in my case, only personal violation. i was gently but firmly shoo'd off the idea.

[Unleashed]

-You're separated.  :)o you intend to divorce?  Very certainly

-Do you have kids?  How many/ages?  Two kids between 3 and 12

-What led to the separation?  I am slow to act in many matters, but I did, and when I do I solidly proceed... .

-Do both parties work?  If not, who does/doesn't?  I am the income, 90% of it.

-How long have you been married?  10-15 years (staying under radar... . )

I have been very independent, and this has been strongly resisted.  Additionally vigorous efforts have been made to uncover skeletons in my closet. Since there were none, that was very defeating to her. For a long time I have been vigorously investigated and accused in front of my children, of adultery. Since there is no truth to the delusion, my kids retain respect for me. I have always been about the most flirt free man I know... .   I am also financially supportive of her, voluntarily.

An adulterous declaration can make for divorce in a month, rather than an extended manipulation gameplay of 2+ years if she had it her way. I do not need instant out, but I will also not tolerate five years of solace.  In my state adultery weighs slightly on custody, heavily on alimony, and instantly on time of separation override. I know other states vary.  My state of VA also requires a P.I. to work surveillance, no husband-stalker.  We have some cases based on "inclination and opportunity"  So a long hug on camera combined with his car in the street for a whole night does fly in some of our courts.  Welcome to VA !

Thanks,

[ForeverDad]

So it's your call whether to hire an investigator.  They're not cheap but as bonded or certified professionals their reports mean far more than your claims.  (However, your knowledge of the patterns is very helpful so the PI can focus attention where the most benefit can be obtained.)

Are you officially or legally Separated or just living separately?  Does post-separation infidelity carry the same weight as pre-separation infidelity?

Frankly, the longer you are married, the longer any potential alimony or support might be.  Living separately might make a difference, but I strongly suspect the more a divorce filing is delayed and if there is short term or long term support, then it will be longer.  Those rules and policies vary from state to state so seek legal advice for how such matters are typically resolved in your local area.  It doesn't mean you need to sit back and passively take it on the chin, but you'll have an idea of what your possible outcomes might be.

Also, what are the parenting arrangements?  Do you have equal time with the children, as I believe you do?  If not, minimize the excuses your spouse can make to obstruct your parenting.  For example, live in the same school area as your spouse so that riding the bus, exchanges at daycare or distance isn't an excuse for her to minimize your parenting.

Frankly, you can't afford to be the Nice Guy (or depending on gender, Nice Gal).  Why?  Your politeness, over-thoughtfulness, etc will not be reciprocated by a pwBPD.  While a marriage is viewed with emotional aspects, a divorce is different, if potentially High Conflict then it has to be conducted in a business-like manner.  Sadly, emotions and emotional decisions when unwinding a dysfunctional marriage are too likely to be self-sabotaging.

Have you had any confidential consultations with family law attorneys?

Do you have (for yourself) Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger and (for your parenting) Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak?  There are other excellent books but those are two basic ones to (1) protect yourself and (2) minimize alienation of the children by the other parent.

[Unleashed]

In my state of VA one separates, writes the date down, then files for div one year later. There is no official record, other than my word, and my statement to my attorney, anarchy I know... .

Adultery unhooks 75% of financial responsibility  from victim compared to no-fault divorce when established, based on cases I know, not codified into law specifically.  It has the added advantage of immediate divorce, ending the drama ( I will not capitalize on this to start shopping for the next one right away, but... . ending the drama is attractive to me). In my state adultery is viewed the same, regardless of state of separation.

I have equal time with kids by casual arrangement until courts can hear this. There has been some obstruction, but I ended her techniques to mess with that.  One grave concern I have is that the courts are hearing divorces 6 months out due to workload.  So after her drama gets settled and we file, if she fails to appear, or files for an extension, well our courts are so busy, this could be a lot more than one year of separation.

As for this other man, if he's off fair to excellent integrity he wouldn't be screwing the wife (even separated) of someone else he knows personally.  Lots of people act, but if they don't walk their talk, what are they?  If it were me, that'd be grounds to just excise him from my life permanently.

  He is reasonably bright, and has in the past shown one instance of solid integrity, but being an extreme pushover makes him vulnerable. We can say he's eccentric, some characteristics make it hard for him to find women at his higher level. But, if my wife wife were to marry him, he is the best thing my kids could be in contact with. Considering her perpetual adolescence and appearance, she will not find any other solid guys easily, the types she would attract would not be good around my kids.  It is not lawfully beneficial for me to condone adultery, but regarding him and her, well, I would celebrate quietly.  He would have a rough time when she flips on him though... .

Frankly, you can't afford to be the Nice Guy (or depending on gender, Nice Gal).  Why?  Your politeness, over-thoughtfulness, etc will not be reciprocated by a pwBPD.  While a marriage is viewed with emotional aspects, a divorce is different,

  Very true, I am emotionless and cold blooded in many ways regarding this. That irks her a lot, but you are right, she does not reciprocate kindness.

Do you have (for yourself)... .

Actually I have Kreger's other book "eggshells... . "  Did have many co-workers and friends I have spoken to over the past decade, who provided a similar thoughts.  The book seems to mirror my experiences and thoughts, but I may be a little saturated with info. As a bit of an introvert I cope with stress by study; there has been a lot of that I had been told so many times to divorce now, but I was slow to act, only when I determined that I cannot fix this person, and there is no benefit for anyone in continuing, that I acted.   

[ForeverDad]

Stop Walking on Eggshells is excellent information and validation but Splitting has crucial legal insights and warnings concerning legal pitfalls, common blunders and other gotchas.  The other co-author, William Eddy, is a social worker, mediator, lawyer, write and lecturer to professionals everywhere.  In other words, he's well respected by the legal community.  It's very inexpensive and even available as an ebook on Amazon.

[Unleashed]

Ordered "Splitting" thanks ForeverDad.  For me the most frightening part of this may be legal surprises, set ups, etc.  Being aware that my life is clean, yet friends are told rough things about me, leads me to believe I may have a surprise or two heading my way.  I had the choice of lawyers, as do any, I picked an acquaintance who is confident, but not shark.  He recognizes the mental illness reasonably.

She is within days of having the adulterous man stay over there, what can be going thru the BPD head to advertise and plan this stay? Is there a special part of their conduct that I am missing? "Hey I got a man coming over these dates, wee!"  I suppose the reason I am reluctant to accept the concept that she is doing this to get under my skin is as follows:  She is not at all attractive to me, with the combination of abuse and non-interesting qualities in her. It is preposterous to believe that I would want her and become jealous because this fellow is coming over.  To be very clear to both the MC's and her, I was open, the marriage was an act of charity with zero attraction and full dedication.  Simple observations would confirm that sentiment.  Are there any ideas on this, I am working on getting a PI on the matter. Evidence is power, whether stored or used... .