No win situations? What to do?

[Learning_curve74]

I have a lot of experience on the leaving board and detachment because that was where I was at when I first started participating actively here at bpdfamily. However, I'm trying again with my BPD gf. I've gone through a bit of the idealization phase again where I was responsible for helping make her happy in her eyes. And of course we all know what they say about being put up on a pedestal... . it's sometimes a long way to fall. 

Anyhow, she wants me to take responsibility for "helping" her stop some of her impulsive behaviors. Part of me is devoted to her and wants to stop her, and part of me also understands that these behaviors are part of her dysfunctional coping mechanisms. For example, sometimes she has a problem with spending money excessively, so she expects me to talk her out of it or stop her physically from buying something she doesn't really need. If I stop her, then she blames me, "Why did you stop me? You're no fun, why are you always screwing me over?" But if I don't stop her, she's still angry at me, "Why didn't you stop me? You're supposed to be the strong one, but I can't trust you!" Part of me understands that she is probably projecting, but weirdly enough I also do feel like I need to be the strong one.

Maybe I don't fully understand what it means, but I feel that I do need to be the strong one if I am the "emotional caretaker". On the other hand, I instinctively feel bad when she blames me and says she can't trust me. I also feel that she is injecting drama into our relationship as well as trying to put some emotional distance inbetween us as she's been relatively clingy so far.

I want to tell her that I don't appreciate being made to feel like I'm in a no win situation. On the other hand, I'm not sure that saying it is in anyway beneficial to our relationship.

So what do I do? Do I simply validate her emotions by saying, "You've every right to feel angry because I did [the opposite of what you wanted me to do]". Do I just let it go when she starts in on, "You keep getting it wrong, you never learn"? She is actually good at not prolonging the discussion, so should I just let her be? It seems like she lets it fester inside her mind, but I don't think there's anything I can do or say about it that has a postive effect at that point. She'll get silent and a little cold for a few hours to a day, but I've never experienced any true rages or prolonged silent treatments like others here.

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[Grey Kitty]

I'd say work on your own attitude about what is your responsibility and what is hers... . then act accordingly.

For example, out of control spending:

Controlling her spending isn't on you.

Managing your own financial situation is on you.

If your finances are separate, this is easy.

If you have joint finances, you can't be make this issue clear. Separating more of your finances from hers will make it easier, although it may well cause a fight.

So what do I do? Do I simply validate her emotions by saying, "You've every right to feel angry because I did [the opposite of what you wanted me to do]".

I'm not sure that is quite how I'd recommend validating it. She is angry, and that is worth validation. Her actions that she takes when she is angry probably are NOT something you want to validate... . so be careful about how you say it.

Do I just let it go when she starts in on, "You keep getting it wrong, you never learn"? She is actually good at not prolonging the discussion

Getting out of that sort of conversation (emotional abuse) is the right thing to do. If she will wind down on her own VERY quickly, letting her do so works. Otherwise, disengaging on your own seems better to me.

Actually I can listen to more of that at some times than others. If I'm feeling very centered and compassionate, I can listen and validate and realize that it is just her feelings... . and I try to do so. Other times, I've not got that capacity, I'm going to take it personally, and start feeling bad. Then I need to disengage faster.

[In_n_Out]

The book When Hope is Not Enough talks about dealing with situation. (I can't recommend this book enough by the way, it has saved my r/s with my dBPDgf - friends for now but who knows at this point).

First, if she is in a dysfunctional emotional state when this happens, then you must first identify that emotion (anger likely), validate the *emotion* (not her actions!) and work to get her back to her "baseline".  Once she has settled and you read her emotional pulse (as the author calls it), then you can again validate the anger, let her know that it is not an unusual response (others would be mad too if someone told them how to spend their money), and then offer her suggestions on possible better solutions to deal with that anger but let her make the final decision.

An example (H is Her, Y is you):

H: "Why did you stop me? You're no fun, why are you always screwing me over?"

Y: You seem to be really upset over this, are you angry?

H: "hell yes I'm angry, it's my money and I can buy what I want!"

Y: That would be very upsetting for anybody if somebody else tried to tell them how to spend their money.

H: "Yes, it is.  Why did you let me do it?"

Y: Do you feel that you tend to spend more money when you're feeling angry?

H: "yeah, probably.  So what?"

Y: It's understandable that spending helps you to calm down when you're angry at the same time does it also anger you at the end of the month when bills are due and you're coming up short on money?

H: "yeah, I hate not being able to pay my bills!"

Y: Maybe there's other things that you could do instead of spending money when you're angry or upset.  Do you have any ideas on some other things that might help calm you?

H: "well, maybe if I did 'this'"

Y: That sounds like a great idea!  Think about doing 'that' the next time that you're upset and see if that works out better for you.

That's my example and I may be corrected on the technique but I think that is close to the gist of what the book talks about (I'm 2/3rds of the way done with it so I may not have all the points covered).

[an0ught]

She is uncomfortable making these decisions and fears to be judged etc...

The problem is as soon as you get involved the individual decision of hers becomes a decision of you as a couple (or you as and individual) and it is not individual spend but collective spend. This can have semi harmless effects aka you getting blamed but also serious repercussions as the money pot accessible to the decision is larger.

She needs to carry this. The money gone. The risk of buying the wrong thing. The risk of having to return it or not being able to do so and having to sell it on Craiglist or EBay.

With freedom comes responsibility comes choice comes consequences.

Separation of accounts in some shape or form will help.

[Chosen]

My suggestion is rather simple: instead of, say, physically stopping her spending (taking action for her), can you just do it as a reminder ("Remember?  You said you don't want to go overbudget this month." then let her decide on her own actions?

Of course, she's going to blame you either way.  BUT, in this way, you're helping her by reminding her, but you're not taking away her responsibility.  She's still responsible for deciding whether to follow what you said.  She won't want it, and might blame you for not physically restricting her.  But if you restricted her then she'll have something else to say.  Because pwBPDs are afraid of taking any responsibility for their actions. 

You can help her, but you also have to let her take up her own part.  Otherwise you'll be bearing on financial responsibilities on your shoulders (and perhaps even more), and sooner or later you can't handle it, and she'll say it's your fault anyway.  The sooner you let her handle her own business, the better it is for both of you, and your relationship.