My ex was terrified of "space"

[knotknewbie]

Hi everyone:

I was processing something in therapy today about my uBPDex, and it occurred to me that I wanted to reach out for some experience of those who have loved and been a relationship with a pwBPD.  My ex was practically terrified of "space"--she always said she "wasn't wired" for it.  If we were out of touch for 10-12 hours, she would get sad and angry.  Is this similar to other people's experiences?  Even when things were rough and our first break-up started and I wanted what felt to me like some healthy space to process what I was feeling and to have a chance to breathe, she would go nuts and harbor resentment toward me afterwards.  It felt like she wanted total enmeshment--is that a characteristic of BPD?

Also, a second topic for some advice please: I have read on here that it is practically impossible to get closure from a pwBPD.  My ex moved on within a few weeks, is already in "love" again after 2 months, won't take responsibility for contributing to the unhealthiness in our relationship and basically blames everything on me (i.e. "it was the 'space' you needed and emotionally abandoning me that created the void in my heart which allowed me to realize that I had romantic feelings for this other person... . "  Ok, my fault.  Whatever.  Anyway... . since I clearly won't be getting any closure from her, what have people on here done to get closure from these toxic relationships?  I want to move past the stage of anger, revenge fantasies and praying for this new relationship of hers to implode while I sit on the sidelines and watch... .

Any and all wisdom and suggestions appreciated.  Thank you!

[NoCRV]

Hi Knotknewbie,

Sorry you are going through this.  I hadn't really thought about it till you mentioned it but my BPDex and I probably never went 12 hours without contact until the end.  BPDs do not do well by themselves or on their own.

None of my relationships really had any closure at the end so when the BPDex did it, it was par for the course.

Maybe you can ask yourself why you stayed in the relationship when it was unhealthy.  Once you start to focus on your part, what she has to say or believes doesn't really matter.  When you start to focus on yourself you will begin to detach and heal.  Just my two cents.

[MrFox]

It seems to be very common in relationships with a pwBPD.  My ex and I pretty had constant contact throughout the day.  Even a few hours was a strain on her.  I think there was a number of reasons for it.  She lacks object constancy and seems to feel everyone else does.  She was terrified I would forget her or stop loving her.  She also feared me cheating on her (partly because she is a cheater) so it was a form of control.  Also, I was an object to soothe her since she can't do that for herself.  Think of how needy 3 year-olds are and that pretty much sums up the neediness of my ex.

Closure does seem to be something of an impossibility for pwBPD.  I think this is also for many reasons.  Closure takes both sides of relationship to taking responsibility for the wrongs they did to the other.  It takes apologizing and it takes forgiveness.  Also, in the case of waifs (as my ex was) closure means not getting to play the wronged party, the victim.  And, that is something she lives for.  Don't hold out for closure from your ex.  It will only make it harder to detach.

[dansure]

My ex moved on within a few weeks, is already in "love" again after 2 months, won't take responsibility for contributing to the unhealthiness in our relationship and basically blames everything on me

My ex behaved in the same way. And it is exactly this behavior that gave my closure. I don't want to be with a person with who can't take any responsibility and can move on to another relationship after 2 month. I don't need anything more than that.

What do you want to hear from her? It won't change the fact that she left you and got together with someone else only after 2 month. There might be people who think differently, but in my opinion this is simply cheap.

[Learning_curve74]

A borderline has a weak sense of self, problems attaching in relationships, fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. She wants to be enmeshed but also fears engulfment, so that's how you get the recipe for idealization to devaluation and why she abandons you when that's one of her own greatest fears. If you can't grasp it, that's ok in a way because it means your thoughts are not similarly disordered.

As for closure, what does closure mean to you? If it means that both people take responsibility and admit to each other whatever individual actions and reasons for why the relationship didn't work out, then it's true that most people do not get closure at the end of a BPD relationship. Denial and projection are a big part of the borderline survival strategy. It might help manage their fears and anxiety in the short term but it is dysfunctional in the long term for lasting healthy relationships. And it often means they cannot take responsibility or admit to their part in the failure of the relationship.

However, just because she can't admit it doesn't mean you can't understand that she is mentally ill which is a huge reason why the relationship didn't last. You can also go through a period of self examination to understand why you were attracted to somebody who probably exhibited some "red flags". Were there ways she treated you that most people would not have let slide? Was she ever really the perfect key to your happiness?

[Aussie0zborn]

Some very brilliant answers above.

My stbx uBPD wife needed that constant contact and it was always a pleasure to receive her call at morning tea break time. But when she'd call me on site while I was working and I couldn't talk, it would be the end of her world and she sought counselling.

I went to her counsellor with her who asked why I couldn't take five minutes out of my day for her. I replied that when I have the client standing next to me I can't ask him to wait while I engage in lovey-dovey talk. Counsellor asks, "what is is that you do again?" I tell her and she replies, "OK so you're not a brain surgeon. My husband is a brain surgeon and I can't ring him at work, correct?  Well you're NOT a brain surgeon. Your work can't be that important!" Wow, what a brilliant counsellor.

I since told my own counsellor about this and she laughed, asking if I was serious or making it up. I wish I was making it up.

As for closure, she's not going to give it to you so please don't stress yourself looking to get it from her. Waste not one more second of your life thinking about it. NoCRV suggested a perfect solution:

Maybe you can ask yourself why you stayed in the relationship when it was unhealthy.  Once you start to focus on your part, what she has to say or believes doesn't really matter.

And that's when you get your closure.

[bb12]

Ahhhh... . closure. You elusive beast.

The single greatest factor for me was radical thinking: believing without doubt that my ex had an illness. With this came the ability to know what was mine to own and what was their's.

The other biggie for me was taking the focus off them. What was it in me that made me choose this broken person, and then stay in the face of neglect, abuse and non-stop conflict? Reading up on Schema therapy, Codependency helped me realise I am other directed and have barely been able to articualte my own needs and desires my entire life. I happily make things about the other person. Unfortunately, so do they! No-one is looking out for you!

So, believe in your soul that they are limited by their damage... . just as you understand why a three legged dog limps. It's a sad fact deserving of your pity more than your anger. Use your own gift (the ability to grow and change) to your advantage through self-examination and spiritual growth.

Thinking leads to Behaviour, leads to Outcome

Examine your thoughts about yourself. Challenge these. You will be surprised how quickly your automatic behaviours change and then your outcomes. Mindfulness, awarenes, conscious living. Knowing where the beliefs come from, challenging those, breaking old patterns = personal freedom. The journey becomes so interesting that closure is no longer the end game.



Bb12

[GreenMango]

As mentioned as far the disorder there can be object constancy issues (needing contact contact - toddlers do this when they follow you around room to room it usually is developmental phase)  and the separation anxiety (rejection/abandonment sensitivity).

As far as closure... . I believe the actions, a reasonable look at the treatment you received from this person (behavior) and the mismatch in values is enough to provide it.  Im not a huge fan of closure as having to be emotional sometimes the facts are much more helpful.

[16YearBetrayal]

Isn't it just crazy how all of our stories are the same.

Yes my stbxBPDh also had to be in contact with me constantly. I too went through a period of needing space in the r/s to evaluate it and it was literally like I was killing him. I now realize he might have actually felt like he was dying.

Me taking this healthy space is what lead to him cheating on me. In his mind, me taking space was equally as cruel and mean as him cheating and leaving me for this woman. He told me this and I do believe he believes it.

And yes he also professed his love in less than a month of knowing my replacement.

I don't think you will ever get closure. But what I did was speaking my peace to him to get the best version of closure I could get. I told him to shut up and just listen and I then proceed to explain my feelings. This is a double edge sword because I'm pretty sure my ex gets pleasure from my pain. But I felt better just saying the words to him even though I know he didn't hear them. And since that time I have not showed him any emotion or feeling whatsoever. I've been 100% business about our divorce. I break down after any conversation of meeting with him. But I don't let him see it.

I still obsess about all the things you do - revenge, the new r/s crashing and burning, etc. But I think I obsess less and less as time goes on. And focusing on yourself, as others suggested, is key.