Panicked... then rallied...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

(Posted this too in my "freak out" post below)

Just saw my son's schedule for deployment where he will be over the next few months... . when I saw that the only near location (only 2 hrs away) is exactly where all of them will converge, and it's only for a 48-hr period -

6 months away and I am in a cold sweat thinking, I have to see him but my god how the hell will I avoid them taking that whole weekend? 

I am in a panic about something that has not happened yet, schedules are subject to change, and it is so so like the way I used to live nonstop it scared the hell out of me.

He is awesome enough to read between the lines if I say, "Hey yes can't wait to see you I will be able to come down on Saturday afternoon," he will keep Sat afternoon free for me and me alone.

Then I don't give a damn who else monopolizes his time... .

But oh wow the flood of shock that I might have to compete to see my own son -

that I might be kept out of the loop while they are in it, enjoying his company - when in fact the last time they showed up and even brought uninvited (by him) 3rd parties, he totally didn't appreciate it at all.

He doesn't LIKE them but he is civil to them.

I have to remember not to equate his being civil to them and in contact as any kind of judgement against me in his head because I have nothing to do with them. Never will again.

My late mother's ability to still make the dark waters swirl and almost suck me in, it's just crazy.  Literally crazy. I have nightmares still (this week) that I am constantly driving and water is coming in a car where I've driven off of something I couldn't see because everything is flooded and dark and I choke awake trying not to drown.

She doesn't exist anymore, but the awful things she set in motion inside of me are still alive and still hurt me. I know if I take my power back during the waking hours, my sleep improves. But it's going to be a lifelong effort.

I feel comfortable saying, I loathe them.  I detest them. Hate them if forced to really spit it out.

I'm okay hating loathing detesting them. It makes other people squirm if you say that. I'm not out to comfort other people anymore.

I think it clears the decks when I am honest about their impact in my life.

I can move forward today if I am really honest about my feelings for what they did  to me.

I cleared my entire drive yesterday, loved the motion, loved throwing snow to the side, loved looking back at the *clear* path widened and passable again.

That is what leaving my words here for you to read does for me - I am scraping away the detritus and the scum and the scabs fall away and it's new again.

thank you 

[lucyhoneychurch]

(Posted this too in my "freak out" post below)

Just saw my son's schedule for deployment where he will be over the next few months... . when I saw that the only near location (only 2 hrs away) is exactly where all of them will converge, and it's only for a 48-hr period -

6 months away and I am in a cold sweat thinking, I have to see him but my god how the hell will I avoid them taking that whole weekend? 

I am in a panic about something that has not happened yet, schedules are subject to change, and it is so so like the way I used to live nonstop it scared the hell out of me.

He is awesome enough to read between the lines if I say, "Hey yes can't wait to see you I will be able to come down on Saturday afternoon," he will keep Sat afternoon free for me and me alone.

Then I don't give a damn who else monopolizes his time... .

But oh wow the flood of shock that I might have to compete to see my own son -

that I might be kept out of the loop while they are in it, enjoying his company - when in fact the last time they showed up and even brought uninvited (by him) 3rd parties, he totally didn't appreciate it at all.

He doesn't LIKE them but he is civil to them.

I have to remember not to equate his being civil to them and in contact as any kind of judgement against me in his head because I have nothing to do with them. Never will again.

My late mother's ability to still make the dark waters swirl and almost suck me in, it's just crazy.  Literally crazy. I have nightmares still (this week) that I am constantly driving and water is coming in a car where I've driven off of something I couldn't see because everything is flooded and dark and I choke awake trying not to drown.

She doesn't exist anymore, but the awful things she set in motion inside of me are still alive and still hurt me. I know if I take my power back during the waking hours, my sleep improves. But it's going to be a lifelong effort.

I feel comfortable saying, I loathe them.  I detest them. Hate them if forced to really spit it out.

I'm okay hating loathing detesting them. It makes other people squirm if you say that. I'm not out to comfort other people anymore.

I think it clears the decks when I am honest about their impact in my life.

I can move forward today if I am really honest about my feelings for what they did  to me.

I cleared my entire drive yesterday, loved the motion, loved throwing snow to the side, loved looking back at the *clear* path widened and passable again.

That is what leaving my words here for you to read does for me - I am scraping away the detritus and the scum and the scabs fall away and it's new again.

thank you 

[StarStruck]

Hi  

Firstly don't even try to imagine or think about the dark side spending company with him. The only thing in the world for your relationship is him and you. Keep the faith that he wants the same as you, like you say he can make arrangements and read in between the lines. Loosely keeping in mind that schedules change like you said too, so don't concentrate too much on the dates.

Yes - hate, detest, repulse, evil & not forgiving = all allowed here. YIPPEE! (Lovely ladies are allowed to think like that you know)

Whenever stage you're at and whatever brings on all that old crap it will continue to get easier to deal with & you WILL find better solutions. Let a thought sit like a little bird in your palm, looking at the bird but then as it would, let it fly away & keep practicing.


 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Do you have any idea, Starstruck, how much I needed the "even lovely ladies are allowed to think like that you know" part of your post?     bless you for saying that.

I know lovely ladies, I have some really amazing souls in my life, they set the bar very high for being kind and good through and through - without ever bringing anyone down while they do so.

And they are up front about times in their lives that nearly broke them.

I aspire to be like them... . hence my consternation when I just need to spew some venom and slap both hands to my face and scream... .

I appreciate you validating that fear and letting me know it's okay. 

That was very kind of you. 

[StarStruck]

About lovely ladies, I think you could be there already, that meaning = you are definitely allowed